Chapter 3
Santana walked behind Sue back to the train in silence. In the hallway outside her door, Sue gave her shoulder a pat.
"Chin up, Sandbags. It could be a lot worse, you know." She headed off to her compartment, leaving Santana alone.
In her room, she removed her sodden slippers, her wet robe and pyjamas. There were more in the drawers, but she just crawled between the covers of her bed in her underclothes. Quinn was in a deep sleep, but still subconsciously wrapped an arm around Santana's waist as the Latina moved closer to her. Santana wrapped her arms around Quinn's slim waist and threw a leg between the ivory pair.
She stared into the darkness, her conversation with Sue running through her head. Everything she had said about the Capitol's expectations, her future with Quinn, her future with Blaine, was true. And she was right, she could do a lot worse than having Blaine as her best friend. That wasn't the point though. One of the few freedoms they had in District 12 was the fact you chose your own company. There was no keeping up appearances like in the Capitol, where the were an "it" crowd, who people would literally kill to become part of. And now even that had been taken away from her. How long would they let her appear as close in Puck? Obviously they'd stay in contact, she had volunteered for his sister, but she knew he'd be cut out of the picture in a few years.
Not to mention how they'd intrude into her relationship with Quinn. They'd be forced to marry as soon as it suited the Capitol, and then to pop out a kid or two. Santana flinched at that thought. Their children would be forced to face the reaping each year. And wouldn't it be something to see the child of not one but two hot victors chosen for the arena? Victor's children have been in the ring before. It always caused a lot of excitement and generated talk about how the odds were not in the family's favour. But it happened too frequently I just be the odds, and Santana didn't think she could bare watching her child in the Games.
Quinn mumbled in her sleep, tensing slightly, something she always did when she began to have a nightmare. Santana gently pressed a kiss to the blonde's forehead, whispering comforting words until Quinn relaxed again. Neither of them were strangers to nightmares, but while Quinn seemed to freeze in terror and occasionally scream, Santana trashed wildly and screamed her lungs out. They were worse when she'd abided by Quinn's rule of sleeping in her own room, but after too many sleepless and unrestful nights, where Quinn would end up coming into her anyway, she'd just relented and they slept together. The nightmares were less frequent when Quinn's arms were around her securely.
Watching Quinn sigh in her sleep, Santana thought of Sue and Will, unmarried, no family. She had heard some rumours about Will and women - apparently before the Games he'd had this thing with some woman called Elmo or Alma or something, but she had no idea what happened there, and had never come across the woman herself. Afterwards apparently he'd had a fling with that nutcase Terry something. She was pretty sure that small scar on Will's neck came from the bitch, who lived alone and bitter now. She had no idea about Sue- the woman was so secretive.
Maybe they're better off, living alone. At least then they don't risk the alternative. Her mind began to race as she considered a way out- an escape route from President Snow's plans for her. She could escape into the woods and live deep in the wild. There was a high chance she'd be caught, but it could work.
Quinn would be hard to convince. And I'd have to bring Kurt, Blaine and mi familia too. She sighed in defeat. It was too late for that sort of thinking, and she was tired. Rolling over to spoon the peaceful Quinn's back, she drifted off into the dark embrace of her nightmares.
Xxxx
"It's a shame Kurt said no alterations. We could really make you into something special." If anything snapped Santana out of her daze it was that. Her prep team- who she had to get up particularly early for so they could work on her- hadn't been their usual chatty selves. Apparently they couldn't handle being up before noon, and were handing each other bright pills and drinking gallons of coffee while they worked on her. She preferred it that way, especially when she was in such a shitty mood.
"What the fuck do you mean by that?" Her voice was an octave higher than normal, as she freaked out at the idea. Over her fucking dead body would she go around with purple skin or bloated lips! Her prep team just ignored her however.
"When she's older," said Harmony almost grimly. "Then he'll have to let us." Unique nodded to her words. The thought of walking around looking like one of those freaks just added to Santana's miseries competing for her attention- her abused body from all the waxing, her lack of sleep, her mandatory best friend, and the terror of being unable to satisfy President Snow's demands.
Fuck my life.
By the time she reached lunch, where Holly, Kurt, Will, Sue, Blaine, Isabelle and Quinn had started without her she was in no mood to talk. Only Quinn seemed to notice her darkened expression, and as Santana slumped down into the chair beside her, she placed a comforting hand on Santana's knee.
"Rough day?" Santana groaned, folding her arms and resting her head on them on the table.
"You have no idea." Quinn began to rub her lower back, effectively making Santana feel marginally better. Quinn was a fucking amazing girlfriend, and Santana probably didn't deserve her. Quinn tried to coax her to eat, but she refused after having stuffed herself at breakfast.
The others noticed, and tried to bring her into the conversation but she brushed them off. At some point, the train stopped because of some malfunction that would require at least an hour to fix. This sent Holly into a hysterical state as she tried to rearrange the schedule. Her voice rose and rose, and with it so did Santana's temper. So fucking what if they were a little late, did these people have no fucking perspective?!
"Oh my god, nobody cares Holly!" she snapped. Everyone at the table stared at her, even Sue, who Holly drove up the wall. Her defended immediately went up. "Whatever, it's true!" She got up and stormed out of the dining car.
Suddenly the train seemed stuffy and the walls were closing in. A wave of nausea swept over her and she found it hard to breathe. She had to get off the fucking train. She found an exit door and kicked it until it opened. She ignored the alarm it set off, and set off down the track. She expected it to be cold with snow outside, but was instead surprised by the hot humid weather. She only paused for a second though before walking down the track. If she walked down for twenty minutes, then back in the same time, she'd return with plenty of time to spare.
She didn't stop at the end of the train though, and kept walking, her breath coming back to her bit by bit as she got her bearings. After a couple hundred metres, she sank to the ground and sat there, looking into the distance.
If I had a bow and arrows I could keep going. She lay back, closing her eyes and taking long, calming breaths. She let her mind empty and just listened to the sounds of nature around her. She continuously counted to ten, something that had helped her a lot in the past.
After a while she heard footsteps behind her.
Here comes Sue to chew me out. Or Quinn to give me shit for being such a butch but then make me feel better. She hoped it was the latter.
"I'm not in the mood for a lecture." She drawled, keeping her eyes closed.
"I'll try to keep it brief." Her eyes snapped open as Blaine sat beside her. She watched him closely as he leaned back on his elbows looking calm and collected.
"I wasn't expecting you to come." His chocolate brown eyes flickered over to her, amused.
"You mean you thought it'd be Sue? Or Quinn?" She half shrugged in response.
"Quinn sent me. That's why she's not here herself." Santana rolled her eyes; Of course Quinn would force her to confront one of her problems. Damn bitch knew her too well.
"'Course she did."
"Bad day, huh?"
"Unless you want to meet Snixx, I wouldn't mention it." Blaine took a deep breath.
"Look, Santana. I've been wanting to talk to you about the way I acted on the train. The last train, I mean. The one that brought us home. I knew you and Puck were best friends, way before the Games. I was jealous of your friendship with the guy- something I never had- before I even officially met you. And it wasn't fair to hold you to anything that happened in the Games. I'm sorry." We'll that surprised her. Sure he had given her the cold shoulder after she confessed their whole friendship in the Games was something of an act. But she didn't hold it against him, she'd played that angle for all it was worth. And there had been times she didn't know where their friendship stood. She still didn't really.
"M'sorry too," she mumbled. It was hard for her to apologise, especially when she wasn't exactly sure why she had to. Maybe because there was a very real chance she'd be the reason he died.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You were just keeping us alive. But I don't want us to go on like this, ignoring each other in real life but putting on a show in front of the cameras. Can we take a shot at just being friends?" Damn it, he was too nice for his own good. And seeing as most her friends would end up dead anyway, she wouldn't be doing him any favours refusing.
"Totes." He smiled, his first genuine smile to her in months and it warmed her insides a little. She felt like a load had been lifted off her back as he lay down beside her. So different to the last time they were in that position and they were both bleeding their guts out.
"So what's wrong, San?" She shook her head and began to pick at a clump of weeds. She couldn't tell him.
"Ok, how about we start with the basics. Isn't it a little strange how I know you'd risk your life for me...but I don't know your favourite colour?" That made her smile.
"Red. What's yours?" She bit down the snarky remark of it probably being pink.
"Blue, like the sky at home when it's sunny with just a few clouds on a Summer's day."
"Nothing to do with it being the same colour as Kurt's eyes then, no?"
"What a coincidence, I never noticed!"
"Yeah, coincidence my ass." He grinned at her, and she ignored the urge to tell him exactly what had happened with President Snow.
"You know, everyone's always raving about you performances, and I haven't seen one," she said casually. He raised an eyebrow.
"Sure you have. Me and the glee club performed a load of times in school assemblies." She openly laughed at that. As if she actually went to those school assemblies. Those were just the opportune moments for her and Puck to get some extra time in the woods without anyone noticing they were gone. Well, maybe the teachers did notice, but why would they complain about the school's loudest troublemakers leaving the assembly in peace?
"Oh Blaine, my poor naïve Warbler, do you seriously think I wasted my time at those lame ass assemblies? I had things to do. People to see."
"You mean you went ditching with Puckerman." She hit his arm lightly and he laughed.
"Shut up, Warbler." He just grinned wider and stood up, offering her his hand.
"Come on. I'll perform for you back on the train. Before you apologise to Holly." Santana grimaced as she took his hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet. She brushed down the dirt off herself and accepted his arm, linking the entire way back to the train with him. It was insane the difference being on good terms with Blaine already made. She hadn't realised how fucking stressful it had been worrying about where they were the entire time. But clearly Quinn had, and though she didn't like to admit it, she was glad for the girl's help.
Blaine led her to down a few carriages to one where there was a vas array of instruments, shelves full of books of sheet music, and even a fricken microphone. She looked around, impressed.
"Damn Warbler, how'd you manage to pull a get up like this?" He was rooting through some drawers, looking for something and shrugged at her.
"I didn't, I just found it here. There's one for you too, next carriage down." Her eyes narrowed at that.
"Serious?"
"Completely." She'd definitely be checking that out as soon as this was over. She cocked an eyebrow as Blaine turned around, a red plastic cup in his hand. She watched in disbelief as he sat on the hardwood table, placing the cup down in front of him and gesturing for her to sit in the armchair opposite the table.
"A cup?" Disbelief seeped through her tone and the corner of his lips tugged upwards. He nodded.
"A cup. Now sit, please."
"Warbler, you do realise we're in a room filled with state of the art instruments from our friends in the Capitol?" The sentence dripped with sarcasm but he ignored her until she was sitting. She crossed her legs and gestured for him to begin, relaxing back in the chair. She watched in silent shock and amazement as he began doing some form of a routine with the cup, making a rhythm out of it, before he joined in singing.
"So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent,
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top,
Don't look back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all,
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin,
Isn't it
I get a little bit bigger, but then, I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Oh, don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top,
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all,
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin,
Isn't it,
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Oh, don't you understand,
I'm never changing who I am
It's time to begin,
Isn't it
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Oh, don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes
It's time to begin,
Isn't it
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
It's time to begin,
Isn't it
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am." He finished on a soft note, and Santana stared at him in astonishment.
"Shit Warbler, you can sing!" He had looked slightly nervous while singing to her, but her comment made him beam with joy.
"You liked it?"
"Are you kidding? That was amazeballs. Too bad I missed all those glee performances," she said, clapping her hands in approval. He hopped down from the table and leaned down to hug her. She tensed slightly at the contact; The only people she didn't have intimacy- real intimacy- issues with since she got back were her parents, Kurt, Puck and Quinn. But she might as well give it a shot with Blaine. She hesitantly wrapped her arms around him and awkwardly patted his back. He pulled back, still delighted.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now come on, you better apologise to Holly. I think you really hurt her feelings." Santana's face twisted.
"Ugh, do I have to? She was totally-"
"Santana."
"Fine, whatever. I'll do it." She grumbles, and they headed down the train to find Holly. Santana plastered her best apologetic expression on her face. She went completely over the top as she apologised for at least five minutes to her non stop, blaming it on stress and saying how they wouldn't be able to do any of this without Holly. Fortunately, that seemed just about adequate in Holly's books.
"I understand you're under a lot of stress, Santana, but someone has to make sure things run smoothly." Holly sniffed. Clenching her jaw and counting to ten in her head, she smiled. Holly didn't know any better, she was from the Capitol. Santana blocked out her little speech until she finished, apologising once more before going to find Quinn. She wasn't in their shared room, so Santana continued through the carriages, passing through ones she hadn't even known existed.
Eventually she reached the last carriage, where a door opening to a small platform with a barrier was wide open. She saw Quinn leaning on her arms across the railing, her back to Santana. Santana paused a moment and waited to see if Quinn would notice her presence. She didn't, and Santana walked out onto the platform behind her. Quinn jumped slightly as Santana snaked her arms around Quinn's slim waist, resting her chin on her shoulder after placing a soft kiss to her girlfriend's neck. After realising it was only Santana, Quinn leaned back into the embrace slightly.
"Hey."
"Hi. We're still on speaking terms?" Santana chuckled at her words. So maybe she had been exceedingly bitchy today.
"We are. I'm sorry for being such a bitch...well, a bigger bitch than usual. Cause I'm not sorry for being brutality honest and keeping it real the rest of the time. And uh, thanks. For you know, sending Warbler." Quinn turned and pecked a kiss to Santana's cheek. Santana could see the small smile on the blonde's face at her lame attempt at thanking her.
"You're welcome, and that has to be the worst attempt at an apology I have ever heard," she replied, a hint of smugness in her tone. Santana rolled her eyes but let it pass; Quinn had put up with all her shit.
"Well this is normally how I apologise babe..." She smirked as she nipped at Quinn's neck. Quinn gasped and pulled away, blushing furiously. Santana grinned widely at her.
"Santana, you can't say things like that when we're out in public!" Santana rolled her eyes. Even if Quinn did have a point and the train was probably bugged.
"Whatever, Q. They don't care-"
"Well I care. Now, take a seat and relax. We're about to reach District Eleven." Santana complied and sat next to Quinn on a couch. The back windows retracted into a ceiling so it was like riding outside in the fresh air. She smiled up at Kurt and Blaine as they entered. They'd never seen the other Districts either. there were huge open fields with herd of dairy cattle grazing in them. So unlike district 12. The train began to slow and Santana's eyes widened at the fence that rose before them. Ten metres high and topped with wicked coils of barbed wire, making the one back in Twelve look childish. Then she saw the watchtowers, manned with armed guards and places evenly apart, standing out in the crop fields they were built in.
Crops stretched as far as the eye could see, men, women and children in straw hats straightening and turning their way to watch the train. Santana's mouth felt dry as she felt as if their eyes were staring at her specifically. She noticed orchards in the distance and felt the usual pang in her chest as she wondered if Brittany had worked there. Climbing trees and collecting fruit. Small communities of shacks - making the houses in the Seam look up market - sprang up here and there, but they were all deserted. Every hand must have been needed for the harvest.
"Dios," she breathed out and Blaine looked at her solemnly.
"We're not in District Twelve anymore."
"You don't say."
Xxxx
"Big smiles!" Holly said, giving them a nudge as the massive doors of the Justice building opened, forcing a grin on her face as Blaine led her onto the platform.
This is it.
There was a loud applause, but none of the cheers or whoops of the Capitol. These people recognised the Games for what they were. And they felt the pain the rest of them felt when their tributes didn't come home. They walked across the shaded veranda until the roof ran out and they were standing at the top of a big flight of marble stairs in the glaring sun. Santana's eyes flitted over the buildings in the square which had been covered with huge banners to cover up their neglected state.
Fucking typical.
A special platform had been constructed at the bottom of the stage for the families of the dead tributes. On Dave's side, there was only a middle aged man with a worn face and an old women who's expression seemed almost empty.
She wasn't prepared for Brittany's family as her eyes rested on them. Her chest felt constricted, and she felt tears prickling her eyes. Her parents, whose faces were still fresh with sorrow. She looked like her mother, with the same blue eyes as her father. Her younger sister, who resembled her so closely, Santana could have sworn it was a ten year old Brittany back from the dead. Blaine did his part if the scripted reply and then she found her lips moving to conclude it. Her parents and Quinn had drilled it into her so she could do it in her sleep.
She didn't pay attention to Blaine's personal comments, only noticing how he didn't pull out the cards he had written it on. He spoke about them as friends, about how they had kept her alive and indirectly kept him alive by doing so. Then he hesitated and added something that wasn't written on his cards. Because if it had been, someone would have made him remove it.
"It can in no way replace your losses, but as a token of our thanks we'd like for each of the tribute's families from District Eleven to receive one month of our winnings every year for the duration of our lives." Santana's eyes widened, and the crowd responded with gasps and murmurs.
What the fuck are you doing Warbler? There was no precedent for what Blaine had done. Hell, she didn't even know if it was legal. Probably wasn't. And he probably didn't know whether it was or not either, so he didn't ask just in case. The families just stared at them in shock, their lives changed once again. A month of tribute winnings could easily provide for a family for a year. They'd never starve again.
Britt would be happy. She looked at Blaine and he gave her a sad smile. Sue was right, she could do a lot worse than have Blaine as a friend. So when she gave him a tight hug, it wasn't forced at all.
The mayor stepped forward and presented them each with a plaque that was so large, she had to put down her bouquet to hold it. The ceremony was about to end when Santana saw Brittany's sister staring at her. Despite the good news about the winnings, she still wasn't happy. Her blue eyes, identical to Brittany's, shone up at her with disappointment and reproachful. At first, Santana thought it was because she didn't save Britt, but no. It was because she still hasn't thanked her.
A wave of shame rushed through her. Brittany's sister was right. She couldn't just stand there, and leave Blaine who hadn't really known Brittany to speak on her behalf. If Brittany had one, she would never have let Santana's death go unsung. The memory of her covering Brittany with the flowers flashed before her, and she knew what she had to do.
"Wait!" She stepped forward, knowing if she said nothing, that gesture would go unsupported. She dust give a fuck if her time for speaking was gone. This was for Brittany.
"Wait, please." She took a deep breath, her eyes resting on Brittany's family.
"I want to give my thanks to the tributes if District Eleven," she said. She looked to Dave's family. "I only ever spoke to Dave one time. We'd met at training, but we had only spoken in the Games. Just long enough for him to spare my life. I didn't know him, but I always respected him. For his power. For his kindness to Brittany. For his refusal to play the Games on anyone's terms but his own. The Careers-" Her lips still curled at the thought of them all- "wanted to team up with him from the beginning, but he wouldn't do it. I respected him for that."
For the first time the old woman- probably his grandmother- raised her head and the trace of a smile played on her lips. The crowd had fallen silent, as if they were holding their breaths. She turned to Brittany's family.
"I feel as if I did know Brittany. Everything beautiful and pure brings her to mind. I see her in the yellow flowers that grow in the meadows by my house, in the butterflies that flutter around in summer. I see her in the mockingjays that sing in the trees. In everything good, I see her, hear her laugh, see her dancing in the trees..." Her voice was nearly broken, but she was almost finished.
"Thank you for your children." She raised her chin and addressed the audience. "And thank you all for the bread." She stood there, hating how exposed and small she felt, with thousands of eyes trained on her. It was all she could do not to bolt. Then, from somewhere in the crowd, someone whistled Brittany's four note mockingjay tune. The one that meant safety in the arena. Santana's gaze sought out the whistler, a wizened old man in a faded red shirt and overalls. Their eyes met.
What happened then was not an accident. It was too well executed to be spontaneous, because it happened in complete unison. Every person in the crowd pressed the three middle fingers of their left hand against their lips and extended them to Santana. The sign from District Twelve, the last goodbye she gave Brittany in the arena.
If she hadn't spoken to President Snow, it probably would have moved her to tears. But with his recent orders to calm the districts, it only filled her with dread. And not only for herself, but for these people who openly saluted the girl who defied the Capitol.
It was only then the full impact of what she had done hit her. It wasn't intentional- she just had a big mouth and had only wanted to express her thanks- but she had elicited something dangerous. An act of dissect from the people of District 11. Sparked a flame that could ignite a raging fire.
Good fucking job, Santana, this is exactly what you're supposed to preventing! She tried to think of something to undermine what just happened, but she could hear the slight burst if static indicating her microphone had been cut off and the mayor took over. Blaine and Santana acknowledged their final round of applause. Blaine led her back towards the door, unaware anything had gone wrong.
She felt strange, and had to stop for a moment. Little specks of bright sunshine danced before her eyes. Great, now she was going insane on top of everything else.
"Are you ok?" Blaine asked.
"Just dizzy. The sun was so bright, migraine I guess." She noticed his bouquet. "I forgot my flowers."
"I'll get them."
"Don't, I can."
She could never do what she was supposed to, and always ended up paying for it. Her parents and teachers had told her as much her entire life. When she's skip class to go hunting, then end up failing her test and be scolded by her Papi. When she's ignore her Mami's order to put on a coat in the winter and come back ill. This was another perfect example. If she hadn't stopped, they'd have been safe inside the Justice Building by then. If she hadn't forgotten her damn flowers. Instead, from the deep shade if the veranda, they saw the whole thing.
A pair of peacekeepers dragged the old man who whistled to the top of the steps. They forced him to his knees before the crowd and Santana knew what was going to happen before it did. Blaine wrapped an arm around her to restrain her as they put a bullet through his head.
Xxxx
A/N: This took a while, but I'm happy with the result. This story will take a bit longer to get moving compared to This Girl Is On Fire, but once it does it'll be worth it, I promise. As always, you're all amazing for reviewing and please leave one to let me know what you thought in the meantime!