A/N: This was one of the hardest chapters to write in this fic. I'm still worried about OOCness, but I guess because its an AU it's not as serious as it would be for a canonical one. :) I'd also like to remind everyone that I know nada about medical stuff, or the criminal world, seeing as I am neither a doctor, an adult, nor a mafioso. So if there's any stuff that's incorrect, I apologise sincerely; I just made it up and tried to make it believable. XD
On a much, much brighter note, it's my half term again! A whole week without exams! I'm going to France tomorrow (at five am GAH) and I'm really excited, but today's going to be really busy...so I decided to update this while I could. I'll be back before next Saturday, though, so that update'll be normal! Probably. Unless I get ill. XD
Yet another incredible response to last chapter! Thank you guys so much:
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and stripes0123! That's probably more people than I can count. XD
Disclaimer: Ce n'est pas le mien. Je voulais pratiquer mon français pour le demain. C'est probablement incorrecte.
Chapter 17: Breaking
Misa pressed the gun into his hand.
"Kill me," she whispered.
Light's eyes widened. "No! I can't!" His hands were sweaty with distress, and the repulsive metal of the gun slipped in his slick palm.
Misa gestured with her gloved hands. "Do it, Light! You'll be better off without Misa. You should be happy," she told him, "you've gone to all the trouble of cheating on Misa to avoid her company after all. Now you'll be able to get rid of me forever!"
Light would have sighed in exasperation if he wasn't so terrified. "Misa, for the last time, I never cheated on you!" he shouted desperately.
"Don't lie to me!"
"I'm not lying! You're deluded!"
"You are lying to Misa!" she screamed, "You didn't even want to be part of this relationship in the first place!"
Light did sigh this time. "You blackmailed me into going out with you by threatening my family. Of course I didn't want it, but that doesn't change the fact that I've never cheated on you!"
"So now you're admitting that you don't want anything to do with Misa!" There was a glint in her eye that chilled Light to the bone.
"I never said that!" he cried, desperate to get her to stop this insanity. "Misa –"
Misa snatched the gun from his clammy hands, raised it to her temple and pulled the trigger.
Light watched her crumple to the floor in horror, barely noticing the gun skittering away across the concrete. He fell to his knees beside her, completely numb, even though he could feel her blood soaking through his trouser legs.
He had never loved Misa. He had never even liked her, paranoid lunatic that she was, but the scars of trauma she had left him with were going to be with him for a long time.
This was her final act of cruelty.
Light soon realised his own misconception when he heard police sirens in the distance. His sluggish gaze drifted over to the abandoned pistol, then to Misa's gloved hands.
Fingerprints, he thought with muted dread.
Misa hadn't finished with him yet.
He was in a prison cell, and it was exactly like he'd seen in the movies: cold, concrete and horribly bare. The food was awful, and the tiny room stank of anger, tears and despair.
"This will be your diagnostic psychologist," came the cold, professional voice of the prison warden. Unlike in the movies, he wasn't a cruel man bent on torturing his prisoners, but he certainly wasn't friendly.
Light looked up briefly, seeing two pairs of shoes. One was the too-familiar patent leather belonging to the warden, and the other was a pair of scuffed trainers, the laces loose and trailing. The owner didn't even appear to be wearing socks.
Slowly, Light's eyes travelled upwards, taking in the oddest man he had ever seen in his life. His hair was like a nest of raven's feathers, sticking up at every which angle. His skin was pale, too pale to be Asian, and Light wondered whether he was fully Western, or if he was a Half. He wore baggy, oversized clothes that only emphasized his painfully skinny frame, and his eyes were like bottomless pools of apathy, giving the impression that the strange man had the ability to see into another's head and know all their secrets. He was sucking on a pink lollipop.
The man opened his mouth, and said in precise, perfect Japanese, "Hello, Yagami-kun. I am L."
"Yagami-kun, please be reasonable about this," L said, not showing any emotion in the slightest, apart from a hint of exasperation.
"How can I be reasonable?!" Light shouted, furious and frustrated, "I've been proven innocent and you're still keeping me under custody!"
L sighed quietly. "As I have explained before, I am not doing so for a reason that includes the murder you were accused of."
Light nearly screamed aloud. "That just makes it even worse! What is your reason, then?!"
"Your mental health."
"What?!" Light would have strangled the man, if it hadn't meant he'd spend the rest of his life behind bars.
L elaborated. "You are not mentally stable enough to re-enter the general public. Whether this is a result of the trauma Amane Misa caused you or a separate cause, I have yet to assess."
"I'm not mad!" Light yelled, making his own ears ring.
"No, Yagami-kun, you are not mad."
If Light had had a gun, he would have shot someone in that moment, and he wasn't too sure it would have just been L, either. "Then why the fuck are you extending my sentence to until I'm eighteen?!"
"It is not a sentence, Yagami-kun, it is –"
"I don't care what it is, why are you making me suffer it if I'm not mad?" Light's voice cracked up a couple of octaves, like it hadn't done since he was fourteen.
"Because you are showing signs of nearing a breaking point, which, when you reach it, will make you dangerous to yourself and others around you." L explained, as if he were telling Light the weather. "Therefore, you need to be under constant supervision by a trained professional – to be exact, myself."
"...You're insane," Light stated blankly, the fire completely gone from his voice as he stared at L in incredulity.
"Actually, Yagami-kun, in order to get my licence, I had to pass an inspection that has proven I have no –"
"Oh, shut up, you know what I meant."
"There were several possible meanings to your words, and –"
"Just shut up!"
Light regarded L with trepidation. "No way in hell," he told the psychologist decisively.
"Come now, Yagami-kun," L reasoned, "It's just temporary safety measures."
Light stared at the handcuffs in L's hands. "Safety measures?! There is no way in hell you are putting those on me," he declared.
"Do not worry, only one of your hands will be chained," L reassured him, not very reassuringly.
Light narrowed his eyes in understandable suspicion. "...So why are there two manacles?"
"The other will be attached to myself," L told him brightly.
Light was silent for a few stunned moments. Then: "Okay, now there's definitely no way in hell. Have you even heard of human rights?!"
L blinked at him in the infuriatingly slow way of his. "In actual fact I have, but am choosing to disregard them for now."
"They're not optional!"
"They are for me, Yagami-kun."
"Light-kun." L's voice snapped Light out of his daydream, in which he had been happily back at home with his family.
"Yes?" Light answered, tiredly. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, which was ironic, seeing as it was the first night in God knew how long that Light had been free of handcuffs. Who'd have thought he'd actually get used to having the crazy psychologist beside him while he slept?
"We have been invited to work on a case in England," L said, munching on something. Light suspected it was a fruit chew from the packet he had seen on the kitchen counter earlier that day.
"Have we now?" The news didn't really surprise Light; L got asked to help with cases all the time. According to rumour, he'd been a world-famous detective before he got into psychology. However, L had turned down all such offers since Light had come into his care. Apparently, a child such as he was not to be trusted outside of the heavily-guarded building they were currently in.
"Yes. I would suggest you pack as many warm things as possible; it is going to be Winter there soon, and the temperatures get quite –"
"Wait, what?!" Light interrupted.
L blinked at him. "I was just suggesting what clothing you should pack."
"You're going to let me work on a case?" Light was stunned.
"Yes," L replied, as if it was obvious. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Oh, no reason," Light said airily, "apart from maybe the fact that you've barely let me out of the building for the past year!"
L chewed his thumb. "I thought it was longer than that..." he mused.
Light gritted his teeth. "Either way, why the change of heart?"
"I am theorising that contact with humans other than myself may aid your mental health and postpone your inevitable snapping," L told him, as if Light hadn't known that since the first week of his imprisonment.
"Why England? Why not let me go out while I'm in the country?"
L shrugged. "I believe the further you are from the places you went with Amane Misa, the better it will be for your mental state."
"You think that going away will make everything better?" Light spat viciously, "You think that out of sight means out of mind? I see her blood every time I close my eyes, L!"
L sighed. "Yes, but there is no need to aggravate the wound additionally. On a separate note, the person requesting my aid is someone I am rather fond of, and if this case has caught his attention, it will no doubt be interesting."
Light rolled his eyes. Of course, everything had to be interesting for The Great L.
"I trust you know English, Light-kun?" L inquired, cocking his head to one side.
Light nodded briefly. "I took separate tutoring in the language. I thought it would be useful."
L looked as pleased as one can without smiling. "Good. We will be boarding the plane at four am tomorrow morning."
Light choked. "What?! Four?!"
"It is a private jet."
"So fly at a human time, then!"
"Near requires our presence at seven am GMT, so therefore we need to leave the city at four am JST. It is simple mathematics, Light-kun."
Light just put his face in his hands and calculated what time he'd have to go to bed to even be partially awake at four in the morning. He didn't like the answer.
"Light-kun...we shouldn't do this." L's voice was hushed, but had an underlying tone of panic and excitement, which only served to thrill Light more. The psychologist barely ever showed emotion.
"Do you want to stop?" he asked huskily, looking L in the eye from his position looming over the older man.
L swallowed, before drawing Light down into another passionate kiss.
It was desperate, almost violent, their kiss. Light could taste sweets and sugar on L's tongue, the flavour only adding to the arousing nature of their actions.
L was biting down on his bottom lip, causing pain, but not enough to deter him. The elder wanted this just as much as he did, after all.
Light's hands made their way up to L's hair, burying themselves the soft, fluffy strands that felt so different to how they looked.
L wound his arms even tighter around Light's back, drawing them closer together. And then –
Light's eyes snapped open, an involuntary gasp tearing from his lips. He stared at the ceiling in disbelief before noticing the...problem he had.
Cursing his wandering subconscious, Light curled up and tried to will his throbbing Problem away. He had no idea how the fragments of fairly innocent (if distressing) memory had morphed into...that. Did humans go into heat? There had to be some explanation for the completely nonsensical scenario his dreams had graced him with.
Light groaned at the memory. Of course, he knew he was attracted to L, had known for a while now, even though he'd initially tried to ignore his feelings and hoped they'd go away. Now there was no escaping it, it seemed, and no escaping the fact that all this sexual frustration was for nothing. It was only natural this happened once in a way; he was a seventeen year-old boy after all, and he hadn't gotten any for nearly two years. But still...why now? Why him?
Light groaned again. The Problem didn't go away.
"Light-kun?"
Shit! Light screamed inwardly, covering himself hastily with the duvet.
L was standing in the doorway. "Is everything alright?" he asked, walking over to the bed.
Light gritted his teeth to avoid shouting at his guardian. "Fine, until you decided to waltz in unannounced," he snapped.
L ignored him. He sat down gently on the bed, drawing his knees to his chest in his customary fashion.
Light almost died on the inside. "Go away," he hissed viciously, giving L the most poisonous glare he could manage.
"Are you going to punch me again?" L asked curiously, gesturing to the fading bruise on his left cheek.
Light glowered at him. "I'm seriously thinking about it."
L smiled slightly, effectively wiping Light's glare off his face and replacing it with a look of astonishment. Then his expression turned to one of horror as L sniffed the air.
"It smells different to usual in here," the psychologist observed, sniffing again.
Light could feel his stomach shrivelling up.
L smelt the air a while longer, then looked sharply over at Light.
Light avoided eye contact and inwardly committed suicide.
L got to his feet hurriedly (for him), taking a few steps back from the bed.
"I suppose I should leave you to...sleep," he said awkwardly, shuffling his feet slightly.
Light just closed his eyes and smothered the need to groan in humiliation.
L high-tailed it.
Light buried his face in the pillow, his Problem worse than ever, and cursed life, the universe and everything. He sincerely hoped things would be better in the morning. Unfortunately, Fate seemed to quite enjoy tormenting him.
This is definitely my punishment, Light thought morbidly.
He didn't go back to sleep that night.
"I have some unfortunate news," Near informed Matt and Mello as they entered the room, not looking at either of them.
"What is it?" Mello asked with trepidation, not entirely sure he wanted to hear it. Matt wasn't sure either.
"Gevanni failed a second time to infiltrate the warehouses. It appears they are all more closely guarded than their official status as empty warrants. This increases our suspicion, but doesn't narrow down the places the children could be. The other warehouses could be storing opium and the like, after all," Near said, without even the slightest inflection.
Matt restrained the urge to slam a hand into his forehead. This was ridiculous; they weren't getting anywhere. "We'll just have to think up a different way to get into the buildings, then," he said aloud.
L nodded in agreement. "That would be the best course of action, yes."
Matt looked over at Light, who was sitting as far away from L as humanly possible. The youth had a look of sharp concentration on his face, and his eyes were calculating.
Matt wondered what hare-brained scheme he was cooking up.
"We could just force our way in," Mello offered, "Though we'd have to hire more operatives to be sure of getting through."
L shook his head. "It would be unwise to draw that much attention to ourselves. If we failed, Four-Field would have a chance to attack us in turn, and with their influence, I doubt we would have much chance of winning."
"But what, then?" Matt asked in exasperation. Talking around in circles wasn't getting them anywhere. "We don't have many more options."
"I think I have an idea," Light said quietly. All eyes turned to him. "We need to find these children, right? And we're not even fully certain that they're in these warehouses."
"So your point is...?" Mello prompted, impatient.
"What if we get Four-Field and Palm themselves to take us to the children?"
They all stared at him. Even Near looked slightly confused.
"How the fuck would we do that?!" Mello demanded. "I'm pretty sure going up and saying 'pretty please' wouldn't work!"
Light looked him solidly in the eye. "I know that. I'm suggesting that we trick them into taking us there."
"Again: how?!" Mello was visibly frustrated.
"One of us gets kidnapped."
There was a silence.
"The ages of the children taken are between fourteen and seventeen, correct? I'm in that age group, so if I snoop around a safehouse of Palm and generally look like I know something I shouldn't, they'll get suspicious and kidnap me to certify I'll be unable to tell anyone whatever I've found. If you place a tracking device on me, you'll be able to see my location, and therefore where the children are being imprisoned. Then you break in with the police, arrest anyone you can find, interrogate them and bring the companies down. It'll be simple!"
"So...you're saying you'll hand yourself over to Palm just so we can find out where they're keeping the kids?" Mello asked in disbelief, eyes wide.
Light nodded determinedly. "I'm the only person in the group who's in the correct age range, apart from Near-san, who is needed here. It's the only option we have."
Loath as he was to have Light in danger, Matt could see the necessity, simplicity and genius of the plan.
"I see..." said Near, looking more alive than he had in days (which wasn't much, but it was still an improvement), "If we conduct the rescue mission quickly enough, Light will not be in any serious danger. The only problem is that we have evidence that the clothes of the children are taken away. How would we make sure the tracking device stays undiscovered?"
Matt piped up. "A few years ago, I invented a tracker that can be swallowed. It's only a short-term thing, for obvious reasons, but it'll definitely be long enough for us to rescue Light."
"That's brilliant!" Mello grinned, elated at finally having the chance to bring the culprits to justice.
"That is unacceptable."
Everyone turned to stare at L with stunned expressions.
"What?" Mello asked incredulously.
"Light-kun is far too young to undergo such a mission. He has no experience, and is therefore a liability," L stated flatly, leaving no room for argument.
Light managed to find room anyway. "What are you talking about?! I'm only just young enough to qualify for this mission, and I'm perfectly capable of walking around and getting kidnapped! You're being completely unreasonable!"
"I have to agree," Matt cut in.
L shot him a silencing glare. "There will be too much risk involved. My word is final: Light-kun will not be going on this mission."
They all gaped at him, apart from Near, whose eyebrows had only raised slightly.
Light suddenly jumped up and stormed out of the room, his hands shaking.
Matt hesitated only a few seconds before standing to run after his friend. He glanced at Mello, who smiled slightly and nodded his head.
Matt sprinted to catch up with Light.
"Light, wait! What are you doing? We can still convince L to let you on the mission! Everyone knows he's being ridiculous; it's only a matter of time until we wear him down!"
"He'll never wear down." Light's voice was trembling too, and his hands were clenched so hard that the tremors racking them travelled all the way up his arms. "He'll never agree to let me go anywhere without someone to watch me twenty-four/seven."
"Light..."
The brunet put his face in his hands, and Matt saw a tear trickling from between his fingers. "He doesn't trust me! He never has! He's sees me as a petty child who'll take the smallest chance to betray everyone just to get back at him for taking my family away from me! He hates me!"
Matt watched his friend sob for a few moments in silence, before turning on his heel and walking away.
As he re-entered the investigation room, Matt heard Mello and Near trying to convince L to change his mind.
"Come on, L, it's nearly foolproof, and –"
Matt marched over to where L sat and stood in front of the man, arms folded and face stony. "Listen dude," he said coldly, "I may not be a psychologist, but I know distraught when I see it. Go talk to him. Now."
To everyone's surprise, L obeyed.
Light heard shuffling footsteps approaching him and wished he'd taken the chance to run to his bedroom and lock the door while he'd had it, childish or no.
He sniffed and wiped at his tears, even though they were replaced immediately.
"It is awfully puerile to cry like a toddler when you do not get your way," L's voice said from behind him.
Light snapped.
He whipped around and punched the psychologist in the face as hard as he could, causing L to stumble back a few steps before Light hit him again and he went down.
"It's not a matter of me not getting my way!" Light screamed in Japanese, completely losing his command of English, "It's a matter of you being so suspicious of me you won't even let me out of your sight for five minutes, lest I betray you all! I've been living with it for nearly a year and a half now, and I can't take it anymore! You see me as an infuriating child and I'm done being patronised by you as if I'm barely worthy to be in your presence!"
L blinked up at him from his position on the floor of the corridor. "I never said I saw you as a child," he said, still maddeningly calm.
"You didn't need to say it, did you?!" Light screamed. Even as he raged, a completely separate thought crossed his mind, and he wondered whether he'd finally lost it after all.
"Fine," L said, getting up. He looked Light in the eye. "I do not see you as a child. I did at first, yes, but recently, you have...grown up."
Light regarded him with suspicion, still sceptical.
"And I do trust you, more than you probably know, but –"
"So why won't you let me out of your sight?!"
"But," L continued, "your mental state is delicate. If you had reached your breaking point while I was not around, you would probably have injured yourself, and I cannot let that happen. It is the same with this mission: I refuse to allow you to be hurt, physically or emotionally."
Light snarled. "You've done a pretty good job of hurting me yourself!" he accused viciously. "You hardly need any help with that!"
L looked away. "I realise that," he said quietly. "I apologise for my initial mistrust of you, Light-kun."
"I don't want your apology, and I don't want to be protected! I – I...want to be your equal," Light muttered, losing his bluster somewhat.
"You already are."
Light was shocked into silence, looking at L with confused eyes.
L sighed quietly and closed his eyes for a moment. Then, he opened them and said, "What do you see me as, Light-kun?"
Light's breath caught in his throat, and he could have sworn he felt his heart stop. The blood drained from his face and he could distantly feel his hands beginning to shake anew, for completely different reasons.
He knows, he knows, he knows...
"My theories are that you could either see me as a bodyguard, a prison keeper, a guardian or a tormentor; possibly more than one. Am I right?"
Light shook his head mutely. He didn't want to give L any more hints. However, he risked a simple denial, "No, I don't...I never saw you as that. I – I don't hate you." To divert the direction of conversation before he could say anything stupid, Light mumbled, "And what about you? What do you see me as?"
L smiled slightly. "I see Light-kun as my first and only friend, and have done for a while now."
Light blinked, uncomprehending. L saw him as a friend? L liked him? Not in the way Light secretly wished for, of course, but it was still completely unprecedented.
Before he could regain control of his body, his arms shot out and embraced L in a way that was entirely unfamiliar, certainly against the rules and yet completely blissful.
"Thank you, L," he murmured in the man's ear.
I have a friend.
L stiffened and pushed him away, not unkindly, but that didn't stop Light's heart from tearing itself in two. Suddenly, the youth was in complete control of his body again, and Light didn't like it one bit.
L stepped back a short distance. "It would be best if you do not make such physical contact with me," he said matter-of-factly.
Light knew the agony was showing on his face, and that there was nothing he could do to hide it now.
L looked at him for a while, scrutinising Light's face in concentration. Then his expression softened, and he explained. "I admit that some of my feelings for you are not socially acceptable. A charge of paedophilia would not be good for my career, and more importantly, you and I would be separated permanently. I realise that this will most likely happen anyway when you turn eighteen, but for my own, selfish reasons, I would prefer to stay with you for as long as the law will allow," he said calmly.
Light's jaw hit the floor.
There was an excruciatingly awkward silence for a few minutes, until Light regained the power of speech and said, "Are you kidding me?" He'd had no idea. Absolutely no idea.
L shook his head, staring intently at the floor. "I will understand if you wish to leave now, in light of what I have just told you, but –"
Light hugged him again, tighter this time.
L tried in vain to pull away. "Light-kun..."
Light threw all caution to the wind and kissed the psychologist gently on the corner of his lips, not quite as he'd been wanting to do for months, but near enough.
L stared at Light as he pulled away, his eyes for once showing some of his disbelief. "I don't understand," he said bluntly.
Light ignored that. "We can't get in trouble unless someone reports us, and anyway, I'm nearly a legal adult now."
L's expression finally thawed enough to show a hint of a smile. "Only in this country, Light-kun. You will not be a legal adult in Japan until you are twenty years of age."
"Not the point."
L's smile grew a little bit. "I am...pleasantly surprised to learn that you see me in the same way as I see you, but –"
Light cut him off. "Can you just shut up for a minute and realise that if we're both willing, refusing this is pointless, and unless we're very stupid indeed, we won't be discovered, and we definitely won't get accused of anything. Stop cutting your nose off to spite your face and let me have this. Please. I really will go insane if you say no."
L considered it for a while, and then stepped away from Light's embrace. Light surrendered himself to heartbreak and ultimate doom.
He stared at the ground and subsequently missed the fond smile playing across L's lips. As such, he was not a little surprised when L took his hand and pecked him on the cheek.
Blinking like an idiot, he managed to stutter out a "huh?!" before L spoke.
"Seeing as this does seem to make you happy, I will ignore my better judgement and follow your wishes. I hope you do not start to have second thoughts about this," he warned, but Light could hear the joke in them.
He smiled properly for the first time in weeks. "Fine, but only if you don't have second thoughts either."
"Agreed."
As they walked back to the investigation room where Near, Mello and Matt waited, Light sighed. "I suppose you still won't let me go on this mission, huh? Seeing as there's still the risk of me snapping or whatever."
"On the contrary," L surprised him (again) by saying, "You snapped just a few minutes ago, though you probably did not even realise, and returned to normal. There is a very small chance that you will snap again after this."
Light looked at him in confusion. "Really?"
L nodded.
"So you'll let me do this mission?"
L hesitated only a moment before saying, "I'm not exactly complacent about having you in the bowels of the enemy, but I can see the necessity of your idea. It really is very clever, Light-kun."
Light's heart swelled with pride. "Thank you, L."
"And thank you, Light-kun."
A/N: So there you have it! The last turning point for this fic! I'm sorry to say Celestial is coming to a close; we only have three more chapters and a very short prologue left, but I hope you'll enjoy the rest!
Sorry this update is late, too, guys. I started the A/N and final proof-read at eleven, got interrupted for an early lunch, did a bit more, had to go to town, dropped off some keys to my house at my friend's so she can feed the cat, got chatting and then FINALLY ended up back here! At...quarter to four. O.o Whoops. At least it's still Saturday, though, right?