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A couple of weeks later, Obi-Wan got up from the living area floor after finishing his morning meditation. Now that he was back in the habit of meditating, Yoda was no longer insisting on joining him. He really was a persistent little troll. Obi-Wan smiled to himself. Yoda had always been one to take him under his wing and even push him along for his own good. That would probably never change.
Obi-Wan did feel better. Meditating was helping quite a bit. No sooner did that thought occur, than another, more cynical one took its place. What kind of Jedi Master was he to have neglected something so vital? He had lectured Anakin about that very thing MANY times! He felt very much the hypocrite. Obi-Wan sighed heavily. He wasn't acting much like a Jedi. Yes, his life had just gone through a complete upheaval, but shouldn't that be the time when his training truly kicked in? Isn't THAT the measure of true commitment?
As Obi-Wan went through the doorway, he pasted on a smile for Padme's benefit. "Hi."
Padme turned from her position by the crib. "Hi." She acknowledged his smile with one of her own. She knew that his smile wasn't genuine. It didn't reach his eyes. Her worry for him increased a notch. Padme had been thrilled when Obi-Wan told her that he was starting to meditate daily again. She had hoped that it would ease his grief and his guilt. Well, he did seem to be less plagued with grief, but he seemed to still be struggling with guilt. There was also something more, something deeper even than guilt in Obi-Wan's eyes – there was self-recrimination.
"Are you ready for breakfast?"
"Yes." Padme made a mental note to talk with Yoda about her concerns.
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Padme hit the buzzer beside Yoda's door. Obi-Wan was watching Luke and Leia. He had insisted that she take the whole afternoon off. She was extremely grateful, for it gave her the opportunity to talk with Yoda alone.
The door slid open to reveal the aged Master. "Come in, Padme."
"Thank you, Master Yoda."
"Tea, I have. Like some, would you?"
"Yes, thank you."
Padme settled herself in one of the two available chairs. She smiled as a full cup of tea floated toward her. She carefully took it in hand as Yoda settled in the other chair.
"Speak about Obi-Wan, you wish?"
"Yes, Master Yoda. I'm worried about him. I thought that meditating would help him more than it has. I mean, he does seem to be less grief-stricken, but the guilt…"
Yoda sighed heavily. "Yes, sensed it I have, as well. Very hard on himself, he is being."
"Why is he always so hard on himself?"
"His strong suit, self-confidence has never been."
"How could someone as wonderful as Obi-Wan have so little self-confidence? What could have caused that?"
"Many causes, there are – including his innate sense of humility."
"But humility is a positive trait. What caused it to turn into self-doubt?"
Yoda studied Padme closely. "Sure you want to go into this, are you?"
"Yes," Padme said without hesitation. "I want to know all I can about him. I need to truly understand him."
Yoda went into detail about Obi-Wan's youth – about how close he had come to being wasted in the AgriCorps, his initial rejection by Qui-Gon and the bumpiness that had marked the beginning of their relationship. "Deep feelings of unworthiness, this brought about in young Obi-Wan. Strive, he always did, to prove himself. Work harder, study longer, fight more tenaciously, he did than the other padawans. Felt it necessary, he did, to be acceptable as Qui-Gon's apprentice."
"Did Qui-Gon not notice this?"
"Hmph. Stubborn, Qui-Gon was, and quite blind he could be to his padawan's insecurities." Yoda took a sip of his tea before continuing. "Close, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan became, but insecure, Obi-Wan remained. Love Obi-Wan like a son, Qui-Gon did. Proud of him, he was. But express that often enough, he did not."
Padme pushed aside her irritation with Qui-Gon for the moment. "Then came their mission to Naboo."
"Yes." Yoda explained Obi-Wan's determination to fulfill his promise to Qui-Gon to train Anakin, despite Yoda's misgivings – and despite his own. "Disrespectful or disobedient to the Council, Obi-Wan never was. But given his word to Qui-Gon, he had. Break his word, Obi-Wan will not."
Padme smiled softly. "I know."
"Despite Obi-Wan's determination to train Anakin, feel equal to the task, he never did. Yet again, strive, he did, to be the best master he could, because unworthy to train the Chosen One, he always felt."
"Blast it! Why doesn't he understand how the rest of us see him?" Frustration pulsed through Padme, making her drum her fingers on the arm of her chair in a staccato rhythm.
Yoda smiled. "Share your frustration, Mace always did. Part of the strain, it was, between him and Anakin."
"Because Anakin seemed to think that Obi-Wan couldn't succeed without him?"
Yoda's ears raised at her perception. "Yes. Resentment there also was, towards Obi-Wan…and jealousy. Knew that, Mace did. Like it, he did not."
"I didn't like it, either. It took me a while before I understood Anakin's feelings about Obi-Wan. They were so contradictory at times. I came to understand, though, that his resentment towards Obi-Wan stemmed from his dependency on him."
"Hmm." Yoda nodded his head. "Agree with you, I do. Understand the depth of Anakin's dependency on Obi-Wan, we did not."
Padme nodded her head. "Well, I understand better why Obi-Wan is so darn hard on himself. The question is, how do we change that?"
"Deeply ingrained in him, this is. Try, Mace & I did – along with many others – to get him to see himself as we did, but succeed, we did not."
Padme folded her arms over her chest, a determined look on her face. "Well, I'm not going to stand by while he blames himself for things that aren't his fault! If I have to physically knock some sense into the man, then that's what I'm going to do!"
Yoda chuckled. "Perhaps successful, you will be. Try violence against him, we did not."
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That night, as Padme and Obi-Wan got settled into bed, she decided to broach the subject. "How are the meditations going?"
"Fine." Obi-Wan sighed heavily. "I should never have stopped."
Padme propped herself up on her elbow. "You've had a lot going on, Obi-Wan."
"That isn't an excuse. I should have made the time. I can't remember how many times I lectured Anakin about that very thing."
"The entire galaxy wasn't falling down around his ears any of those times."
Obi-Wan finally looked Padme in the eye. "No, but…"
"No 'buts!' Cut yourself some slack, for a change! You're meditating now, and that's what matters."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes, berating himself. With everything Padme had been through, she didn't need to be further burdened by his issues. "You're right, Padme. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. That isn't any more Jedi-like than not meditating."
Padme gaped at the man beside her. This conversation was certainly not going as she'd hoped! "Feeling sorry for yourself? What are you talking about?"
Obi-Wan opened his eyes at Padme's distraught tone. The look on her face was complete incredulity. He tried to think through why she would be upset. What did he say?
Padme noticed the confused look on Obi-Wan's face. She had to restrain herself from shaking the recalcitrant man! "Blast it, Obi-Wan! You are not feeling sorry for yourself! You were expressing doubts and feelings, which is not the same thing! Geez!"
Obi-Wan was still confused. Why was Padme mad at him? He didn't know what to say, so he just remained silent.
Padme sat up, hissing her breath through her clenched teeth. "Why do you ALWAYS have to be so hard on yourself? Why do you have so much compassion where the faults of others are concerned, but so little for yourself?"
Obi-Wan just blinked, trying to decide how he should respond. He sat up slowly. "Listen, Padme…"
"No, you listen!" Padme put her hands on his shoulders. "You are not to blame for anything that's happened! You have been through more than any one person should ever have to endure!" This time, she did shake him a bit. "Yes, you are a Jedi, but you are also human!"
After a moment, a smile started to play at Obi-Wan's lips. "I thought that was my little secret."
Padme chuckled, relieved that he hadn't lost his sense of humor. "We'll try to keep it just between the two of us, then."
"Sounds fair."
Padme's smile faded as she took hold of Obi-Wan's hand. "Really, Obi-Wan, you can be brutal to yourself. It hurts me to witness it. Please, for my sake, go easier on yourself."
Why did she always have to put things that way? He could deny her nothing and he certainly didn't want to hurt her. What other option was there? "Okay, Padme, I will."
"Promise me." Padme knew that would be the clincher.
Obi-Wan couldn't help but smile at the determination in her voice. "Alright, I promise you that I will not be so hard on myself."
"Good. Now, let's get some sleep." Padme let Obi-Wan get settled, so she could take her usual position – glued to his side, head resting on his chest.
Obi-Wan kissed Padme's forehead. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Padme snuggled close and sighed contentedly. She was thrilled that progress was being made. They had been here a month now and she was already getting quite impatient for this impasse to end and their relationship to accelerate. Laying this close to Obi-Wan was wonderful, but it was also hard. Padme had never been so physically attracted to a man in her life! Her body's desires were getting harder and harder to ignore.
Padme knew Obi-Wan loved her, but she also understood that having a real relationship with her was a big step for him. It meant letting go of something deeply ingrained and valued – valued because it was a link to an Order now gone. But he would let go! He HAD to! They couldn't let this one blessing, in the midst of such tragedy, pass them by!