A Teaspoon And An Open Mind: A Doctor Who Fan Fiction Archive

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Ninth Doctor

The Dancing We Don't See by RagaMuffinSun Reviews - 49 Printer Chapter or Story Add Story to Favorites Add Author to Favorites

Author's Notes:

To everyone who is still kind enough to be reading this I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update this story. What can I say health problems, personal problems and computer problems have made it so hard for me to update. (Slaps self in head with a fish) I promise I will try to update more often.

Thanks to Neko, you are a goddess among Betas.

My apologies to DNA for borrowing his characters and as always I don't own any of the characters and make no money from writing this.

Chapter Twenty-One: A Gift For Living Well

The Doctor had a few hard and fast rules for life. His life had always been full of rules. The Time Lords had been a restrictive bunch that lived for rules and regulations but now they were gone, the Doctor lived by his own rules. Like the rest of his people the Doctor didn't like it when his rules were broken even if he was the one who was breaking the rules; like now.

The Doctor was sure if he had ever taken the time to write out his personal code of rules , the rule he was about to break would be in the top five. In fact , it was big enough that it might even being the fourth and fifth rules.

The rule was never, ever, ever, ask cousin Z for help.

Z was genealogically the Doctor's cousin about as much as Rose was cousin to a goldfish. Z wasn't actually related to the Doctor in any way shape or form but used the appellation 'cousin' to describe his relationship with the Doctor when he wanted something, needed something, or was in trouble with the law on Rigel Seven.

A little known rule in the law books on Rigel Seven stated that anyone arrested for breaking the law could claim that their cousin was, in fact, responsible for their behavior and that the law breakers themselves were completely innocent. It was an archaic law that should have been removed years ago and never had, a fact that Z took shameless advantage of at the worst times.

At the moment the Doctor wasn't sure where Z was but, knew he shouldn't be that hard to find. All the Doctor had to do was to set the TARDIS to find the biggest disturbance around that involved sex, political scandal, and chocolate pudding. Z would be in the middle of it.

If the Doctor agreed to pay off an injured parties, stall any executions, apologize to a few dairy farmers on behalf of his cousin he could get Z out of the middle of it with a minimum of fuss or required jail time. Once the Doctor had Z free, he would remind the humanoid that he owed the Doctor a few dozen favors for assistance in the past and that he wanted to collect on one now.

For all his faults, Z was a ladies' man on par with few others. He had a real gift for living well. He had skills even Jack would die to learn and the Doctor wanted to use these skills to win Rose. The Doctor didn't have the first clue how to go about courting her. He didn't want to be another Mickey The Idiot and run the predictable flowers, candy, snog, third date shag route. He also didn't want to use any Gallifreyan ways, he doubted Rose would appreciate them and actually might injure him if he attempted one. That left him two choices: Jack or Z.

After much thought, the Doctor decided Z was the better choice.

Have you gone mad? The TARDIS asked, as she picked up on Theta's thoughts.

'Cousin' Z was a con man, a swindler, a megalomaniacal bastard and a real ponce. She didn't want to be within two centuries of his time stream. She was still scrubbing down corridors from the last time he'd visited thirty years ago. At that time the Doctor had promised her that Z would only be allowed back if the situation were an emergency.

The TARDIS hadn't expected the Doctor to keep his promise , but she hadn't expected him to renege on it quite so soon

"I'm as sane as I ever was, thank you." The Doctor protested haughtily.

That's not saying much. the TARDIS replied.

The Doctor ignored the taunting. "It's for Rose, old girl. You love Rose and most of the time you like me so do this for me?"

For Rose, but if he tries to sell me off again in a poker game all bets are off.

When the annoyingly chipper voice that belonged to the Heart Of Gold's computer informed him that that the TARDIS - or more properly, the man who was piloting the TARDIS - wanted to speak to him, the humanoid known to the Galaxy as Zaphod Beeblebrox, grinned. His Gallifreyan semi cousin wanted to speak to him; that almost never happened. Zaphod answered the alert. This had to be good.

"What's up, Doc?" Zaphod knew that the Doctor hated being called Doc, but if he was calling Zaphod for help that meant Zaphod had all the power at the moment. He intended to take advantage of it.

"I need your help." The Doctor said shortly. He hated being called Doc, in fact it would be safe to say he despised being called Doc but he needed Z's help. Beggers couldn't be choosers when it came to what Z decided to call him.

"Anything for my favorite cousin." Zaphod purred.

"More like the only cousin you don't owe money, and who will always bail you out." The Doctor corrected softly. He knew exactly how fond of him Zaphod really was and he didn't care. The feeling was mutual. If he wasn't desperate he wouldn't be contacting him.

"What can I do for you, doc?"

"I need help. I want to court a young woman and I need your advice."

"What is she Venutian? Martian? Rigelian? Bachhian?"

"Human. From Earth twenty-first century London."

Zaphod rolled both sets of eyes. He needed help with this? The Doctor had to be kidding. The Oncoming Storm, the Destroyer Of Worlds couldn't figure out how to court a human?

"It's simple Doctor. Flowers, candy, kiss her goodnight and wait for the third date before you attempt to get her in bed."

Before the Doctor could say anything else Zaphod broke the connection. Honestly, he had the intellect to solve the problems of the cosmos provided he wasn't busy, and this is the kind of thing he got plagued with...

"What do you think, Trillian?" Zaphod asked turning one of his heads in her direction.

In true human custom Trillian decided to show him what she thought with a frying pan across his head. Zaphod's last thought was Oh nap time.