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I hear a strained howl from the corner. It has happened. I knew this day would come.
James Potter has finally lost his marbles.
He bends over, lets out a pained gasp and bursts out laughing. Black looks at his friend rolling around the floor, and his face contorts for about three seconds before he lets out a big barking laugh. Mina's hands are on her hips and she's glaring at Black who has joined James on the floor in blissful merriment.
It's not funny, Lily. Really, it's not worth Mina casting a Bat Bogey hex on you and you obtaining uncontrollable boogers. Don't laugh.
Stop it.
Don't.
Knowing Mina, her curse will probably have evolved, and you'll obtain boogers for hair, too.
Do not laugh.
"LILY!" she snaps at me, her voice at least five octaves higher than normal.
I think I just snorted. That can't be flattering. Oh bloody hell. Cower away, Evans. Cower away.
Cowering, not working.
Sod it!
I don't care if I have wonky bookers that attack me! I WILL LAUGH, DAMN IT! I DON'T WANT TO EXPLODE!
Great.
Now I can't breathe.
Which is interesting, considering my jaw is almost touching the floor.
My brain isn't getting enough oxygen.
Dang it, now I'll never be able to say anything coherent.
I manage to turn my head around and look at the two boys laughing alongside me, tears of hysteria dripping down their red faces. Black looks much like an overgrown tomato. James looks like a cute overgrown tomato.
By the time James, Sirius and I look up from the floor, Mina is nowhere to be seen. Oh crap. She's gone upstairs. Which means she is past the point of no return.
"Where's Taylor?" Black asks in a small voice, looking around wildly like a frightened bunny, though he still lets out hiccups of laughter now and then.
"She's gone," I say slowly, to emphasize the scene, for the dramatic effect. Cue in the sharp violins and shrieky homicidal music. Dun Dun duuun…. "Which means that she's past yelling."
"Past…yelling?" Black whispers, looking terrified. "What's past yelling?"
The fire in the fireplace crackles ominously after his question.
"It's the dark side of the moon, mate," James says quietly, his eyes narrowing, as he glances about suspiciously. "It's a place that is so ugly, that if it were a girl, even you wouldn't shag it."
Black looks aghast. "Oh, dear." He puts his head in his hands hopelessly. "We're doomed."
"I know," I whisper, looking around and getting up from the floor, and glancing back at them. "If I die up there," I say, pointing to the girl's staircase behind me, "Please tell my parents I love them."
"Will do," Black quips sympathetically. "Although," he adds in sudden afterthought, "I haven't a clue who your parents are, and I doubt we can reach them, because they're muggles, and I don't really get along with muggles that well – they find me strange – not meaning that I don't like muggles – I love muggles – in fact I once dated this muggle girl, she was quite – "
And he still hasn't stopped talking.
James shoots me an apologetic grin, and it's so adorable that I want to pinch his cheeks.
"Lily – er, why are you ripping my cheek off?" Oh, do you see that? That's my sanity running out the door.
I freeze, my hand still on his face with a large part of his cheek in it. Black is looking at me and him, his mouth still open. I think he was still talking. James is frowning at me, half of his face disfigured by my hand.
Oh, bugger.
Merlin, my hormones are on overdrive.
"Um…I – "
He is smirking at me again! He's fucking smirking! AGH, IT'S THE SEXY, LOPSIDED GRIN!
I must persevere!
…
I am going to die. My heart is going to stop beating because right now it is about to burst through my chest and then die miserably on the floor. Lily, deep breaths. No need to suffocate yourself. Come on…Follow Mina. Preserve what dignity you have left, now.
Ow. I just tripped over the common room carpet. Way to go for dignity and all.
That's it. I am severely unhinged.
I hope that I've frightened them enough so they won't follow me. Not that they can, of course, because Godric Gryffindor was a brilliant, brilliant man who didn't trust his own sex.
Oh, I forgot.
Mina is going to kill me.
Suddenly not feeling so happy anymore.
I really shouldn't have laughed. Sometimes we know we shouldn't, and that's exactly why we do.
-x-x-x-
"Who the hell does he think he is?" She's stomping around the dorm, every once in a while smashing a couple of things around her. She takes the bedside lamp and hurls it across the room, and it hits the door, breaking into a billion little pieces.
I loved that lamp.
A House-Elf gave it to me. And now I'm too scared to 'Reparo' it until Mina leaves the room.
Damn her and her hormones!
"How does he have the – the nerve to – "
She's waving her wand around blindly, and I'm getting worried that she's going to blow up the entire castle.
"Mina, relax," I say in my best calming voice but she just whips around, her eyes flashing dangerously, gives me the death glare, and then turns away, continuing her non-stop pacing around the room.
" – I mean, who in their right mind would ever think that I would – I would – did he expect me to be thrilled – fl – flattered?"
"I think he just expected to piss you off, really."
She doesn't need to turn around for me to feel the heat radiating of a second death glare she's giving me inside her head.
I roll my eyes at her, but she doesn't see, thankfully. No, I definitely do not want uncontrollable boogers. "Mina," I say slowly, "What exactly did he do?"
She turns around and looks at me disbelievingly. "You don't know?" she asks, her voice squeaky and high.
"No," I say patiently. Honestly, it's not like I keep track of everything she does. "James and I came a while after – "
" – 'JAMES AND I?" She shrieks, now taking her bedside clock and chucking it into the window. "What were you doing with him?" she yells, opening her arms wide and staring at me incredulously. I do not appreciate the mockery.
"He's a Marauder! What the hell has happened to you?"
I have to say I enjoy the insults.
I have half a mind to cast Silencio on her. And leave her blubbering like the frog in Charms.I swear, she is so hormonal, it's like living with a menopausal sixty-year old, sometimes.
She starts pacing again. "Mina, I do realize that he is a Marauder," I say quietly, carefully choosing my words. "You were the one who said I should give him a chance – "
I'm never getting a sentence out without her bellowing at me.
"WELL, THAT WAS BEFORE I SAW WHAT KIND OF SCUM HE HUNG OUT WITH!" Her hair has now completely gone mental, and it's sticking up in odd places, looking strangely electrified. I always knew that curly mass was dangerous. She breathes in and out in rapid succession, and throws herself down onto her bed.
"Are you going to tell me?" I say finally. "What did he do?"
Oh, no. It's the hormones again. Her eyes are watery. I look into them, assuming I will see blood-thirst or anger, but her stare is icy. "He called me a whore."
He always does that.
"He always does – " I start but she cuts me off. Oh come ON! My brain and mouth were going to match this time, and she cut me off!
"No," she shakes her head. "He meant it. He yelled at me in front of Sam. And the whole second floor."
Who the hell is Sam?
"Who's Sa – "
She's blushing. Why's she blushing?
"I was – I was with him in a broom cupboard, and – and – " she glances at me and sees my most probably confused expression. I cannot control my face muscles at the moment on account of me being extremely surprised and feeling like I've been hit over the head repeatedly with an overgrown badger.
"I was going to tell you!" She screeches apologetically. I raise my eyebrow. "He's a Hufflepuff, we've sort of...been...fooling around for a week," she takes a deep breath. "Black found us, and then he yelled at me."
"Wait, wait, wait," I put my hand up. I need three seconds to digest this. "He yelled at you for being a whore."
She nods.
"Well, I'm glad he can see the irony in the situation."
He's in a broom cupboard EVERY bloody day of the week. I have fished him out of maybe a hundred broom cupboards, myself. He has more detentions for PDA that the whole school. Combined.
"He is practically a man-whore," I deadpan, still outraged. "He is a dirty, low, vile, disgusting, easy slut." I pause. "A fucking harlot." I pause again. "Maybe even a prostitute."
She laughs, but its dull and humorless.
He is a whore of the male specimen. I see him with a different girl every week. He has sex often. And in abundance. Honestly, a girl who has any kind of self respect would not go gallivanting off into broom cupboards with him.
"His catchphrase is 'Hey, sexy, fancy a shag?'," I continue, somewhat hysterical. "And he calls you a whore?"
He is corrupted. Immoral. Whorish. Oh, I should have killed him.
She nods again. "That's why he was talking about how we were similar. Apparantly, I dress too openly, and I'm too flirtatious, and – and – ," she growls. "According to him, it's sexy."
"'Come here to me,' kind of sexy?" I question, alarmed.
"Yeah."
My jaw is basically on the floor. Oh I am going to beat up that scum bag. So badly. Madam Pompoms won't even find the pieces to put him back together. I should turn him into a goat. My transfiguration isn't that great. I'm sure James would help me if I asked nicely. He would definitely help me, because even though Black is his best mate, he's aware that he's a man-whore. Hell, McGonagall would help me if I told her I needed assistance to torture Black on account of him being a slut. I think she's as tired as anyone of finding him shagging in broom cupboards.
She'd probably give me a spell to turn him into a urinal or something. Or a condom. That would be some poetic justice right there.
Mina may be hormonal and angry and occasionally she may yell at me, but she is my best friend. If he breaks her heart, I'll break his face. He is going to be a giant goat when I'm through with him. A giant goat without a wiener so he'll leave female goats alone.
I run to her side, and give her a warm hug, and she returns it. "Can you imagine," she whispers, her voice still stony, "He still had the nerve to ask me out after all of that. After yelling at me for half an hour, he told me to go out with him."
I nod. "I'm just happy you point-blank refused. He doesn't do dating, from what I've heard from Potter."
"Yeah, because that's why I refused. Because we couldn't have a long-lasting relationship with many children and a swing-set in our backyard." She pauses, and smiles at me, sympathetically. "You thought I was insane, right? Downstairs?"
Well, truth be told, she did look slightly mental. But she doesn't have to know that. That's what friends do. Friends lie to make each other feel better. The first rule of best-friend-making.
"Of course not!" I say indignantly, because I am offended. "I – I – " Her eyebrows ascend further on her forehead. "I was absolutely sure that you had a perfectly logical reason for turning the common room into a war-zone. I was positive. Very sure."
She rolls her eyes at me and begins giggling. "Sorry I yelled at you," she says quietly. "You know – before."
"It's alright. You were distraught."
"I might kill him," she says matter-of-factly, cracking her knuckles.
"I might help you."
At least I would be able to leave one Transfıgurations class without a loud, ear-splitting voice singing Small Part of the World at Mcgonagall in an attempt to "win her over."
-x-x-x-
How can boys be so incredibly stupid?
Scratch that, not stupid. Calling them stupid would be an insult to sincerely stupid people.
They are moronic, arse-faced, so incredibly thick that an armor piercing bullet cannot pierce their thick skulls.
And by this, I'm not meaning to insult boys who actually have a shard of a brain.
But stupid boys are everywhere.
It's like an epidemic. Pandemic. Whatever-emic.
Of course, there are boys who are remotely intelligent. Like my dad. Or like Remus, who I've gotten used to, and partially forgiven for the whole "You made me kiss Potter, you dickwad," debacle.
Not completely.
I still will avenge myself when the opportunity presents itself.
I'll do it today.
Maybe tomorrow.
Next week.
Why put it off until tomorrow, when it's something you can completely avoid altogether?
I'm referring to the moronic man whores like Black. Who, coincidentally, happens to be sitting three seats away from me, and seems to be completely unaware that Mina and I can hear every single word he says.
"James, why is your delicious head-girl ignoring me?" Black asks, without glancing at me, stuffing bread and jam down his throat while his other hand is sloshing butter onto another piece of bread. Multitasking. Hmph.
James rolls his eyes at him and continues drinking his pumpkin juice. Remus doesn't even bother looking up from his book and answers, "Padfoot, if you would care to stop drowning yourself in your food, you would notice that her friend is also ignoring you. Any idea why?"
Black stuffs another huge loaf of bread into his mouth, and downs a huge glass of pumpkin juice. Once he's done gobbling, he mutters, "Nope. No clue."
Remus and Peter grab a slice of toast before Black eats the whole bloody table. "Are you completely sure?"
"Yes," says Black, and splatters the whole table with bread crumbs.
James cringes visibly, and throws a napkin at Black's face. "Paddy, do I have to make sure you don't eat the table cloth?" Black glares at him through his bread-crumb-covered face.
Remus sighs, and says calmly, "So it has nothing to do with you yelling at her in front of the entire Hufflepuff house as well as half of Gryffindor?"
Black shrugs, "I can't imagine why she would ever ignore me, for that."
Pettigrew pipes up, "Maybe she's angry because you embarrassed her."
"Brilliant," Remus congratulates, "Ten points for Wormtail." Turning to Black, he says, "You are seriously the most tragically ignorant person to ever walk this planet, Padfoot."
"Ha – "
"And if you dare make a pun out of your name, so help me God, I will strangle you with this bagel."
Black throws off his glare easily. "You can't strangle me with a bagel!"
"You sure about that?" Remus challenges, waving the bagel in his hand back and forth ominously in his field of vision like a metronome.
Hypnotized now, Black follows Remus's hand. "Yes."
"You care to put your life on the line for it?"
"…No…"
I hear an exasperated growl from my right, as Mina flings her spoon at her plate and gets up to leave. Without as much as giving a glance at Black on her way out, she stomps out the great hall.
"Where is she going?"
"She wants to breed llamas," Blacks says simply, before curtly choking on his bacon.
-x-x-x-
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