Chapter Two: Small Weird Loves

"and you realize the one person in the world who loves you

isn't the one you thought it would be,

and you don't trust him to love you in a way you would enjoy.

And the boy who loves you the wrong way is filthy.

And the boy who loves you the wrong way keeps weakening.

You thought if you handed over your body

he'd do something interesting." –Richard Siken

Dean looked down at his brother quietly as he lay on the bed with his head on Dean's chest. They had kissed innocently for a few minutes more after Dean initiated the second one, but Sam had seemed unsure if it was really what Dean wanted.

"Do you really want this, Dean? You can't really want this. Don't do this just to make me happy, Dean. Don't do that to me. I… I need to know… You wouldn't lie to me, would you?" Sam had asked, his voice almost panicked.

"Sammy. Stop asking questions. Maybe it hadn't really occurred to me before this morning. But I can tell you that I have always wanted it to just be you and me. Just the two of us. To be honest, I've always been jealous when you've had other friends. I guess I know why now," he said, chuckling quietly. "So yes, Sam. I'm sure. Now be quiet."

And Sam had been quiet for a good twenty minutes, lying there in Dean's arms with his head on Dean's chest, his hand also resting there, feeling it rise and fall with Dean's breath. But now Sam broke the silence.
"Dean?" Sam asked quietly, and Dean waited for the next set of questions concerning his feelings. Instead, Sam said, "It's six. My test is in an hour and a half. I need to eat."

"Oh," Dean said, somewhat relieved. He pulled Sam up closer to him and kissed the top of his head. "I guess I'll get ready then. Give me ten and then we can leave."

Sam nodded and sat up, letting Dean out of the bed. Sam seemed to remember he was only in his underwear at that moment and he stood there shyly, rubbing his neck and blushing as Dean got up. Dean smiled at his little brother's embarrassment. Before walking to the bathroom to get ready, Dean put his hands on Sam's hips and pulled him closer, leaning in to kiss him one more time and Sam bashfully lifted his lips to meet Dean's. As Dean pulled away, he saw Sam's blush deepen. "Ten minutes," Dean called over his shoulder as he closed the bathroom door.

Dean got into the shower, thinking over what had happened only in the last half hour. He had kissed his brother. In a romantic way. Always innocently, like young teenagers did on their first dates. Dean knew that it wasn't innocent, it was his brother for Christ sake, and he knew that there would be trouble down the line. His father, for example, would not approve. But right now, Dean didn't give a shit.

"Donut shop cool with you? Cuz it'll have to be. Only place open at six fucking thirty in the fucking morning," Dean grunted as they drove out of the motel parking lot and down the main street of the small town.

"Yeah that's fine. Anything's fine, really," Sam said, not really listening as he stared intently at his AP French study book. Without looking up he added, "Oh hey, so my test is gonna be over by noon and the school let's you sign out after big tests like this cuz you know, they're tiring and I was wondering if you'd come and pick me up?"

"You know you got it, kid," Dean said, reaching over and mussing Sam's shaggy hair. Sam glared at Dean, and then returned to his studying. Moment's later, they pulled into the parking lot of the donut store and Dean parked in a spot right near the door. "Eat inside or in the car?"

"Inside." Sam responded, throwing his book into the backseat and getting out of the car. He walked around to the front of the car where Dean met him after getting out of the car himself. Their shoulders bumped together as they walked to the door. Dean reached for Sam's hand and laced their fingers together, seeing they were already so close together that it shouldn't matter. Sam looked up at him, surprised. "Dean, we can't, in public-"

"No one knows us here. No one knows us anywhere except maybe Souix Falls, and we're no where near there, are we?" Dean reasoned, though it was possible that someone Sam knew from school could be out and about, or worse, their dad could drive by. "I mean, you even said you don't have friends at school. What does it matter if your not-friends see you holding hands with a guy. They don't know we're.. You know."

"Yeah you're right, I guess," Sam said, a smile touching his lips. His grip on Dean's hand tightened and he leaned more into Dean's side. "Dean?"

Dean sighed. Here we go again, he thought. "Yeah, Sammy?"

"What do we do about Dad?"

"For right now, what he doesn't know can't hurt him."

"Yeah but for how long, Dean? Are we going to keep this a secret for as long as it goes on?" Sam asked.

Dean stopped walking and thought for a moment. Although the whole idea of being romantically involved with his brother had not occurred to him fully until that morning, he had already gotten used to the idea that it was a permanent arrangement. He was an adult and Sam would be out of school soon. Once Sam finished, they could move out. Settle down on their own, maybe. If they could manage that, they would only have to hide their relationship for the next two years, and only when Dad was home. "If we want it badly enough, Sam, we can figure this out. We will be fine." He almost added love conquers all, but he didn't want to break his own "no chick flick moments" rule.

Sam nodded. "Okay," he said, and began leading Dean to the door of the donut shop. "Come on I'm hungry and I need to be at school soon." Dean followed him happily into the store where they ate half a dozen donuts between the two of them. Twenty minutes later, Dean had dropped Sam off at school to study before the actual test began and returned to the motel.

Upon returning to the motel room, Dean had sat down on the couch, looking at the TV but not turning it on. He sat there, deep in thought, for the better part of an hour. He didn't really understand where this whole thing started and why he was okay with it. He didn't know why it made so much goddamn sense. He thought back to that morning and got butterflies in his stomach, like he was in eighth grade again and had just asked out a girl for the first time. The way he felt about Sam was stupid and wrong but good. It was good because he finally felt like he could really show Sam how much he loved him. He never felt he could before, and maybe that was because, subconsciously, he knew the way he loved him wasn't the right way. Now, despite the fact that what they felt was illegal, not to mention unnatural, he didn't see a damn thing wrong with it. The only thing that made him nervous was he had never been with a guy before, like ever, and he was pretty sure Sam had never been with anyone ever. So if this did escalate as far as… well as far as sex, both of them would be clueless.

Dean blushed, realizing he was more worried about the fact that he may have trouble figuring out gay sex than he was about the fact that he actually just considered fucking his brother. Did he really want that? He thought about it and concluded that he would not object to it, if Sam was game. God, he must be some kind of pervert. Why did he have to fall in love with his stupid jailbait little brother and more importantly why did the kid have to fall in love back.

Dean yawned. He was tired from his long night and emotionally exhausting morning. He looked at the clock. It was barely eight. He walked over to it, set an alarm for a quarter to noon, kicked off his boots, and climbed into bed. He was asleep in minutes.

Dean rolled up in the Impala at noon on the dot, but didn't see any sign of Sam, so he parked and got out. He sat down on a planter in front of the library, where he had dropped Sam off earlier that morning. Sam did not exit the building until fifteen after, when Dean saw him walking through the doors with another boy who was much shorter than Sam. Then again, everyone was shorter than Sam. Dean waved at his brother, who spotted him quikly and began to walk over, being trailed by the other young man, who seemed to be speaking to him a mile a minute.
"Hey, Dean," Sam called as he approached. The boy following him stopped talking and gave Dean a quick once over. "This is Erik. He has a couple classes with me. We met at the break during the test. Erik, this is Dean, my b-" Sam paused, looking at Dean, puzzled. What has he supposed to say? He can't say brother, that would turn to shit fast.

Sam couldn't seem to find a solution, so Dean came up with one for him. "I'm Sam's boyfriend," Dean said casually, offering his hand for Erik to shake while looking at Sam's face, assessing his reaction. Fortunately, Sam broke out into the biggest smile Dean had seen on his face in a long time.

Erik however, looked a bit taken aback. "Oh. Hello. Sam, I didn't know.. You were. Well," he sputtered.

"That I'm gay?" Sam asked, calmly. "I hope that isn't an issue," he added, moving closer to Dean so their shoulders brushed.

"No! No no no no! Not at all," Erik answered, obviously embarrassed. "It's just… My friend, April, she asked me to you know, talk to you. See who you were interested in around here. She has a big crush on you. She's not the only one either. I swear to god, half the girls around here are pining after you. They'll be heart broken," he finished, laughing.

"Well, tell April I am sorry, but I'm involved," Sam said, taking Dean's hand in his and holding it up to show Erik.

"It was nice to meet you, Erik. Sammy, you ready to go home?" Dean asked, not wanting to sound rude, but he was eager to get home.

Erik didn't seem to take the hint. "Do you guys live together?" he asked, eyebrows lifted. "Not to pry or anything, sorry," he added.

Sam shrugged. "It's fine, man. And yes, we do. My dad, he isn't around a lot and Dean, well, he's twenty already and he has a place, so I stay there," Sam said coolly, glancing sideways at Dean, clearly also ready to leave.

"That must be cool. It's like that Beach Boys song, huh? The "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older and we didn't have to wait so long" one. You guys don't have to wait. Hey, I just remembered, there's gonna be party tomorrow night at April's place and she wanted me to ask you to come. I'm sure she still wants to meet you, taken or not. Dean, you can come, too," Erik said.

Dean gave Sam a look as if to say this kid ever stop talking? and Sam nodded and said, "Sure, Erik, just give me the address tomorrow in French and we'll be there. We really have to get going, though. It was nice meeting you," Sam said, beginning to turn and lead Dean back to the parking lot.

"Yeah, ok, cool!" Erik called after them. "Bye Sam, bye ya, Dean."

"Jeeeezuz Ki-rist that kid had a mouth on him," Dean said after they were out of ear shot.

"Yeah, but he's the first kid to have talked to me here, so I mean, go easy on him. He can't be all that bad," Sam said, defending his new aquaintence.

"Yeah, whatever you say, heartbreaker. All those poor girls," Dean teased just as they reached the Impala. "Too bad for them."

Sam chuckled, leading Dean over to the passenger's door and leaning against it. "Yeah. Too bad for them, I'm yours," he breathed, pulling Dean's jacket collar to bring him closer. "They never even had a chance,' he said quietly before leaning in to kiss Dean.

Dean's heart began to pound, kissing his brother in public like this, pushed up against the Impala. It sent an all too familiar heat down to the pit of his belly. Dean moaned softly, which Sam took as an invitation to deepen the kiss. He flicked his tongue across Dean's lower lip, then nipped at it softly before pulling away. "Let's go home, Dean," he said in a raspy voice as he released his jacket collar.

"Don't have to tell me twice," Dean said, walking quickly around the car to his side and getting in. Sam scooted over on the bench seat, sitting closer to Dean than he normally did. He took the hand that Dean didn't have on the steering wheel and held it between both of his. He leaned over and rested his head on his brother's shoulder. "You a little cuddly today?" Dean asked. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Making up for lost time."

"Lost time? You're only sixteen, how much time have you lost? We have our whole lives," Dean responded, amused.

"I dunno. Shut up," Sam said, smiling up at his brother. "I spent a long time not liking myself because of the way I felt, Dean. I think.. I think being able to do this let's me know I'm okay. That I am not horrible. I can't be, if you want this, too."

"You could never be horrible, Sam," Dean said quietly as they pulled into the motel parking lot. "You're too… Sam to be horrible." They parked and sat there for a moment before Dean spoke up again. "How long, Sammy?"

"A couple years back, I must have been twelve because we were in Arizona then remember? You were dating some girl from the local high school. Jackie Parsons. She was blonde, curly hair, skinny, big boobs, real cheerleader type. You brought her home one night when Dad was out. You guys made out on the couch for a really long time, I don't even know if you guys knew I was there. You're invisible little brother, you know? Well, seeing you with her, it made me feel sick. But not like 'icky my icky older brother is macking on an icky girl' sick but like 'don't you fucking touch him, he's mine" sick. I realized I wanted to be in her place. I wanted to touch you like that. Kiss you. But of course, I couldn't say anything. So I held it in. Four years," Sam explained, gaze fixed on their intertwined hands.

"Why now?" Dean asked, feeling a pang in his heart considering the pain Sam must have felt seeing him with the girls he had been with over the last four years.

"Sometimes, you just break. I missed you, I hated not seeing you as much because I was so busy with school. Missing you made it worse and then being close to you like that. You were so close, I could kiss you. So I did," he looked up into Dean's eyes. "I'm glad I did."

"Yeah. Yeah, Sammy, me too."

"Inside now?"

"Yeah. I guess we should go in."

They both exited on their sides of the car and met at the front to clasp hands again, which seemed to be becoming the new routine. Dean unlocked the door and opened it for Sam, then followed him in. He closed and locked it again, turning around to find Sam right behind him. Sam placed his hands on Dean's chest and pushed him back until he hit the door. He kissed Dean again, more aggressively than he ever had before, and grinding his hips against Dean's. "Did I mention I have been waiting four fucking years for this?" Sam whispered harshly as he pulled away for a breath. Dean didn't have time to respond before Sam's mouth was back on him, kissing him desperately like only a teenage boy can. Dean broke away and began kissing down Sam's neck, stopping to mark his collar bone. Sam gasped and dug his nails into Dean's back. Dean smiled against Sam's skin.

"Want me to mark you up some more, Sammy? Let everyone know you're getting some? Let everyone know that you're mine?" Dean growled. Sam nodded, breathing heavily, moaning as Dean leaned down to nip at the place he had bruised moments ago. Sam's hands travelled down to Dean's ass and pulled Dean's hips forward, pressing them harder against his own. Dean could feel Sam's hard on through his jeans, knowing that Sam could undoubtedly feel his own.

"Dean, I want-" Sam began, breathlessly.

"What have you done before, Sammy?" Dean asked, wanting to know so he didn't throw too much at his brother at once. He wasn't sure he could restrain himself much longer.

'I haven't done much," Sam admitted, quietly. "Just kissed."

"Ah fuck, Sammy," Dean breathed. Sam was his. All his. No one else had left a mark on his yet. "Jesus, Sam."

'What?"

"Want you."

Sam smirked. "Then take me," he growled.

That sent Dean over the edge. He pushed Sam forward from the door and all the way back to the bed, practically throwing him down. Once Sam was on the bed, Dean tore at his own belt buckle, not wasting any time. "Come on," he ordered Sam, motioning towards his brother's pants. Sam, eager, began unbuttoning his own jeans. Once Dean was out of his jeans, he mounted the bed, mirroring the position he and Sam had found themselves in that morning. Dean ran a hand down Sam's stomach, letting his fingers come to rest at the elastic of Sam's boxers. He looked up at Sam, who nodded almost imperceptibly, watching him through lust-blown eyes. With that, Dean pushed past Sam's waistband and pulled out his brother's hard cock and arranged himself so he could jack both of their dicks at once. Sam's hips bucked forward, "Dean," he moaned, and came much faster than Dean did. Dean took Sam's hand and put it on his own dick, guiding it up and down until he came himself, breathing Sammy's name.

They lay there for a moment, breathing heavily. Sam leaned over and kissed Dean chastely. As they lay there, a pair of headlights shone brightly through the motel room's front window. Sam and Dean thought nothing of it until they heard a car door slamming just in front of the door. They looked at each other, horrified. Sam hurriedly pulled up his boxers. "Do you think it's Dad?" he asked, panicked.

Dean pulled up his boxers and picked up his pants off the floor, rushing to the other bed. "I don't kn- shit!" As if to answer their question, the door knob began rattling. Dean jumped on the second bed and Sam grabbed the TV remote of the dresser and switched it on just as John opened the door.

"Hey, boys," John said as he walked in, in a surprisingly pleasant mood.

"Hi, Dad," Sam and Dean answered hurriedly, in unison, both of them attempting to appear enthralled in the program on tv.

"What have you boys been up to?" he asked, making his way to the bathroom to clean up.

"Nothing," Dean answered, too quickly for John's taste.

John squinted at both of them. "You sure, Dean-o?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Yup. Just watching TV, Dad."

"You're brother behaving, Sam?"

"Yeah, Dad," Sam answered, rolling his eyes to let his father know just how ridiculously paranoid he was being.

"Alright. We'll be heading out of here soon. Bobby called. Got something in Carolina that might be our kind of thing. Too far away for me to go without you two," John said, to which Sam and Dean both groaned. "Oh, come on," John warned, closing the bathroom door.

Sam and Dean looked at each other wide eyed.

"Shit," Dean whispered.

"Uh, yeah," Sam replied.