All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I don't own anything except the plot in this.
Chapter seven
BPOV
I was more nervous than I usually was about seeing Edward in biology. Of course I was always a little nervous about seeing him, knowing what he was going through because of me, but today I knew it would be worse coping with my guilt. I remembered how Edward reacted last time with his jealousy, but somehow I knew that he wouldn't do that again. I knew that he would always try to seem more human now and not do anything more to push me further away from him.
I was a little scared for Mike though. What if he lost control? What if his jealousy became too much? I just hoped he would be more concerned with convincing me that he wasn't dangerous than tearing Mike to shreds.
Mike walked with me to class talking the whole way, but I was too worried to listen. I knew it didn't really help matters if Edward saw us together walking into class. I hoped he wasn't in class when we got there. My hope was wasted. He was sitting at the desk and as I expected his tortured stare shot up to us as we entered. The fact that he was gripping the table's edge didn't escape my notice.
Mike didn't go with me to my desk. He may have continued to talk to me after the incident with Edward, but he was wise enough not to push it too much around Edward. At the corner of my eye I saw that Edward still had his eyes on me as I sat down, but I didn't look at him. I was afraid to see the longing and pain I knew I would see if I looked at him. His hands relaxed their hold on the desk, but I saw that they were shaking.
I wanted so badly to comfort him. Ugh Bella, how irrational is that?! You're trying to get past him?! Think, Mike! I looked up at him, and regretted it. His face was so fiercely pained, worse than in the cafeteria. I quickly looked down. I thought I heard a quiet sob.
Mr. Banner walked in just then and began the lesson. Through out class I tried to avoid meeting his gaze and to keep my hand away from his, remembering what had happened last time our hands had touched in class. Now and then I heard another quiet whimper come from him and I tried to push away the guilt from my mind. I scrunched up note landed in front of me on the desk. I think it came from behind. I looked behind me and saw Mike smiling at me.
Can't wait for our date- it said. I smiled and wrote down a note of my own.
Neither can I. He read it and smiled just like I had.
Maybe I really could like Mike. I smiled to myself, I found I was actually looking forward to my date tonight.
I was brought back to reality when I heard another sob come from Edward. I realized he knew what had just passed between me and Mike. I felt another stab of sorrow as I looked at his face which, if possible, had become more pained. His whole form was trembling now. His golden eyes pierced into mine with such intensity that I thought I would cry. I was trapped in his eyes now, I couldn't move away though I really didn't want to see his pain anymore. It hurt to see him like this. It hurt so much more than what it had over the past few weeks. I started to feel the familiar magnetic pull towards him. My hand involuntary inched towards my pencil to pass him a note. I held my hand back instantly. Was I really just about to do that?
"Mr. Cullen?" Mr. Banner called. We both turned to look at him.
I was grateful for the distraction. I sighed deeply with my relief of being free from his gaze. That was the first form of any kind of communication we had had in so long. The look that had just passed between us had felt so familiar to that first day we had sat next to each other. The sensation of getting lost in his eyes, the magnetic pull, my dazed state. Deja vu or what?
As always this class seemed to take longer than the others, I'd be lying if I didn't know the reason why. But I was more anxious to get out than I usually was since what had just happened between me and Edward for the first time in almost two months.
When the bell finally rang I nearly knocked the chair over in my haste to get away. I didn't even bother to wait for Mike, I just quickly made me way to my locker. I was certain someone was behind me, and I had a feeling I knew who. My pace quickened. I felt a hand go on my shoulder. I turned and met Edward's gaze. I found it strange as I realised that I wasn't afraid as I normally would have been. The only thing I could focus on was his pained eyes.
"Bella.." he said. His voice was faint and quiet. I strained to hear "Please.. please don't. I'm begging"
I knew what he was referring to. He wasn't begging me to give him another chance, he was begging me to not put him through more pain than he already was. The pain he would feel when I went out with Mike. Yet I heard in his voice no hope in his plea, like it was just a last-ditch effort to prevent the coming horror for him.
As I looked into his eyes and my heart ached to do as he wished. To not put him through anymore pain.
Please, don't hurt him anymore. One part of my mind begged along with Edward.
You need to move on. Put the Cullens behind. This is your life, not his. The other part said.
I looked away from his eyes and fixed my gaze on the floor. "Edward, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pain I've had to put you through, I really am. But you need to remember that you have no say in my life. Imprint or no imprint. If I want to go on a date with Mike then its my decision"
I heard him sob again. The sound made me cringe, it was making my decision that much harder.
"Please" he whispered again.
We stood there for a long time. I still didn't look at him, but I didn't have to as to know what expression he wore.
"Do you like him?" he asked in a strained voice.
I looked up at him. He wasn't looking at me for once, he had his eyes clenched tightly shut but the pain was still clear on his face.
"Yes" I replied.
He didn't open his eyes after I gave my answer, as I continued to look at him. For once I didn't look away from his perfection, he wasn't looking so I was free do so as I often had wished. I gazed at his sculptured cheekbones, the shape of his flawless lips, his messy bronze hair which I wanted to run my fingers through just to feel how soft it was. How could anyone this beautiful fall in love with me? No angel's face could ever compare to his magnificence. Even with his face distorted in pain.
Again I wanted so badly to comfort him and relieve him of his sadness. Before I could stop myself, my hand reached out and was placed on his shoulder. He seemed to have forgotten I was there, because his eyes opened in shock from the contact of my hand. Then a sight I had wished to see for so long appeared. Edward's smile. For once his face no longer sad, but peaceful. He seemed to be going through so many emotions, happiness, relief, awe, a little shock. His eyes closed again, but not in pain this time, still smiling in pure bliss. I was feeling a lot too. Things I didn't understand.
I felt relief too at being able to touch him. I found I loved the feeling of being so close to him for once. My hand felt like it was on fire while still in place on his shoulder. It was like the same electricity when we had first touched, yet much stronger. I longed to touch him more, to wrap my arms around his neck and mold myself to his sculpted body. I tried to move my hand away but I didn't want to. I didn't want to tear my hand away from him, and neither did he by the looks of it.
I felt my heart warm at the sight of him being so happy and I involuntary smiled at the knowledge that right now he was not in pain. Who knew how long that would last? I remembered that this was probably the last time anything like this would ever happen. Tonight I would go on my date with Mike and who knew where that would lead to, and even if nothing progressed between me and Mike that didn't change the things what I had seen, the things I knew. Edward was dangerous, as was the rest of his family. They were monsters. Though I may not have been feeling fear now, I would when I was alone with my thoughts again.
Instead of immediatly taking my hand away I found myself wanting to prolong this rare moment for a little longer. Why was I so happy at the contact between us? I didn't feel anyhting towards him like that, did I? I was sure I didn't. Yes we had made some sort of connection a few weeks ago, but that had all changed when I saw him attck Mike, hadn't it? Of course I'd felt guilt whenever I saw his sad expression during the past few weeks, but that was all, wasn't it? Just pity. Yes he may be the most handsome man to walk on God's earth, but that doesn't change what he is. And Mike? I suddenly recalled his existance.
I realized we were still standing in the almost empty hallway, with the bell about to ring at any second. I reluctantly tore my hand away and at once felt empty at the lack of contact between us. His eyes reopned and were back to their usual pained selves. I felt my heart break again. For a few moments he had been free from any pain. And now there was worst pain coming for him.
I gazed once more on his tortured face.
"I'm sorry, Edward" I whispered. Somehow it didn't feel like enough just to say I was sorry, but what else could I do?
Then I walked to gym without another glance on that face which would always haunt me.
So many thoughts were going round in my head, all of them based on what had just passed. You need to stop thinking about him! You're meant to be moving on from them! You're going on a date with Mike remember!
Despite what had just passed a moment ago, when I entered gym(only just in time) and saw Mike smiling at me, I recalled my previous excitement about my date. Mike was so adoreable. I knew he would do anything for me, I could tell that he really did like me. More than that, he adored me. Of course... someone else's affections may be a little stronger than his. No! I had to stop thinking about that.
Mike stayed by my side at any chance he got during gym, and I found him waiting for me when I came from the girl's locker rooms. He walked me to my truck, still smiling. Didn't his jaws ache yet? But I couldn't help returning that smile every now and then. He seemed nervous when we stopped at my truck.
"I'll see you tonight, then?" he said shyly.
"Sure" I replied in the same tone.
He hesitantly leaned down to kiss my cheek. I smiled at him to tell him he could. He smiled in reply and softly kissed my cheek. The kiss was quick but it was enough to make us both blush. He said bye once more then watched me as I left the school grounds.
When I got home I panicked thinking about what I would wear. I'd never really done this before and I was very nervous. I really did like Mike and I didn't want to embaress myself in front of him. I spent ages looking at the clothes from my closet, trying to decide. It was creeping towards six now and Mike would be here in a few minutes. I finally settled for my light pink short-sleeved flannel top and a short denim skirt.(;I have an outfit like that so I thought I'd put it in;) I put on a little eyeliner and then some lip gloss. I looked in the mirror. I had to admit I looked pretty.
"Bella, you're date's here!" Charlie called.
I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Charlie and Mike were in the kitchen. It looked like Charlie was giving him the"you-better-not-try-anything-funny-with-my-daughter-else-I'll-break-you're-leg-with-my-bare-hands" look. Mike was wearing a black cotton shirt with a black blazer and blue jeans. He looked good. They both looked up at me when I entered.
"Wow, Bella" Mike breathed "You look great"
I blushed, then Charlie cleared his throat.
"Don't be out too late, now" he said, eyeing Mike.
"Don't worry, Cheif Swan, we won't be too late" Mike replied.
We went out then, Charlie watching us until we drove out of sight. But I knew better than to think there wasn't someone watching us.
EPOV
I ran through the trees following Newton's car into Port Angeles. I could hear every word of their conversation, it was innocent enough, but Newton's thoughts weren't so much. To be fair he did actually like Bella for who she was and not her body as so many other boys did. Of course he did lust over her body, but he wasn't only interested in that, he liked her mind too.
Bella looked very beautiful tonight, I hadn't thought it was possible for her to look more beautiful, but I was mistaken. It hurt to know that she had made the effort for Newton. What made it worse was that the skirt was quite short and ,though I knew she was unconsious of the fact, when she sat down it actually gave away a bit of her underwear. Newton liked that, and I growled when I saw him looking at her panties through his mind. I would never disrespect Bella that way.
Bet she'd like me in between those legs- Newtons's thoughts made me growl so loudly that I thought it would shake the ground like it did in movies. The images Newton was showing in his mind were disgusting. I made the mistake of imagining me in his place in those fantasies and found myself getting aroused. Well they were disgusting when it was Newton. I quickly got rid of those thoughts and listened to what they were saying in the car instead of what they were moaning in Newton's mind.
They eventually arrived at Port Angeles and it was my cue to go in the shadows to watch.
They went into the movie theatre together, pain clawed at my heart when I saw them link hands. Newton was debating if he should take her to see a romance for their date or a horror.
Hmm.. If we go and see a horror their's more chance I'll get her in my arms, and she'll think I'm manly. If we see a romance she'll think I'm sensitive. Girls dig sensitive guys, but some dig manly. What to do, what to do...
They eventually settled for a romance in the hope that Bella would like sensitive guys and also that she would get all soppy.
The sight of them reminded me of what I had once hoped I could do with Bella. Go to the movies holding hands like a couple. I sighed heavily remembering that this was a fantasey which would never happen, but it was very painful to see my fantasies with another man in my place. I clutched my chest as I doubled over in agony.
I knew it was inevitable that I would have to face this kind of pain if I followed them on their date, but I had to know how this would turn out. I had to know if Bella really did like Newton as she said she did. I just prayed my jealousy would not become too much for me to handle.
I recovered myself and went to stand outside the theatre. I had no choice but to listen to Newton's mind now as to see what was happening between them. I did my best to consentrate on what they were actually doing instead of what they were doing in Newton's mind.
About a quarter through the movie Newton placed his hand on Bella's thigh. I growled under my breath. His hand moved up to hold Bella's hand and she happily obliged, to my discomfort. A few minutes later, Newton put his arm around Bella's shoulders too and they started to cuddle each other. I began to dry sob when I realised that Bella wasn't fighting him off as I would have liked her to, but she was encouraging him. A particularly romantic scene came and Newton kissed Bella's forehead causing her to smile.
Newton was just thinking about kissing her when, to my relief, the movie ended. I quickly got away from the movie theatre knowing they would soon be walking throuhgh the doors, so I once again stood in the shadows. They came out holding hands and laughing. To someone walking past in the street they would have looked like a couple madly in love. Perhaps they were. No! I would not believe that, not yet. It was obvious she liked him, but it couldn't be love. But would she love him in the end?
I looked at their linked hands and their smiling faces. They really did look like a couple. I focused on Bella's face the most, she looked so happy. The angel should be happy, I told myself, she deserved happiness.
Perhaps they would fall in love. Maybe Newton would love her, but he would never love her truly like I do, never worship her the same way. I shuddered as I only imagined the pain and sorrow that would take hold the day she loved someone else. But would that really matter? Why would my sufferings matter? As long as she was happy... then why would it even matter to me what pain I suffered. I decided then, it wouldn't matter. I'd reluctantly, yet still willing, watch her as she'd fall in love with another.
I continued to watch them, my heart being crippled by sadness the whole time, as they talked and laughed. They held hands every so often or Newton would put his arm around her waist. Newton thought about kissing her a few times, but decided to wait till he dropped her home. Perhaps that was something I would avoid watching. Or maybe I would just to see her reaction. Would she turn him down? Would she be angry? Or would she be just as eager to kiss him?
At last, they decided it was time to go home. Like before I followed them, listening to their conversation. I was pleased to hear that Newton's thoughts were not as explicit as before, he was so caught up in their conversation and in Bella's beauty, as I was.
He may bring her happiness, he may eventually love her like she would love him, but even so, I would always hate him. I would be grateful to him for bringing her joy if he ever did, but that would never change my feelings towards him. Maybe I would have lost Bella with or without him in the end, but that wouldn't make it alright. He would get everything that I wanted, he would get to hold Bella, kiss her, hear her say she loved him, and expierience joys with her which I never would.
I felt sick as I imagined that maybe Newton's little fantasies would someday become a reality.
They arrived at Bella's house at ten o'clock and Bella's father wasn't very pleased about that.
About time. Does she realise how late it is? I mean.. what could they have been doing all that time. They better not have...-Charlie
Newton walked Bella to the door and was preparing to make his move on how to approach their first kiss.
"I had a really good time" he said
"Me too"
"Maybe we could do that again sometime" he said shyly.
Bella nodded her head eagerly.
They looked into each other's eyes for a moment, then he leaned toward her. He hesitated to gauge her reaction and saw, to my horror, that she was just as eager. Their lips met and moved slowly against each other. Dry sobs shaked my body as I watched the scene unfold before me. I was sobbing so loudly I was surprised they didn't notice.
NO!NO!NO!NO!- my thoughts roared.
They finally seperated. They smiled at each other and said goodbye before Bella went inside her house and Newton drove away. I couldn't move. My body refused to cooperate with my thoughts. I continued to sob, unable to stop for a second. I sounded like some sort of animal choking.
And today's events would only be the beginning of my heartache.
Warning! There may be a lemon in next chapter. But not between Edward and Bella yet, sorry!
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