I think it must had been about more than a year after I hung out with Shego when this happened. For someone who told me she didn't do relationships, she was in a rather dysfunctional one with Pierre, some guy who managed to worm his way into her heart. I didn't like him at all and she was aware of it but when it comes to matters of the heart, you only really think about yourself and don't care for other people's opinions.

I don't know how fast she fell for him but I know how hard she fell for him. It didn't seem fair to me. Here I was, trying to get on by with putting up with two of my BFFs hooking up and trying to quash whatever feelings I had for Shego - let's face it, I did have them for her - when suddenly she crashed my apartment drunker than I had ever seen her before.

Thud. Thud. Knock. Thud. Was someone kicking my door?

I remember staring through the peephole and seeing her sad form leaning against the door.

"Shego?" I opened the door. "Oof." She leaned right on me. "Hey, what's wrong?" I felt her forehead: warm, but she seemed more drunk than sick.

I dragged her to the couch and then locked the door. It seemed like she was crying but the tears had already dried. I knelt beside her.

"Hey, wanna tell me what's wrong?"

Her eyelids fluttered open. She sniffled a bit first but I already knew what had happened.

"He dumped me."

How do you comfort someone you are undeniably attracted to without taking advantage of their current vulnerable state?

I was conflicted. On the one hand, I was happy she would not be seeing Pierre. On the other, I was upset that she was hurting.

The only thing I could do was hold her close and murmur that everything was fine, that she would bounce back, and that she should let it all out.

What I remember was that she burrowed her face in my body but didn't cry.

We stayed like that for an hour or two. I didn't want to move away. I wanted to let her know that I was there for her. If only she could feel a fraction of what I was going through, she would understand.

I'm not sure if she did.

I'm not sure if I did.

I'm not sure if I did anymore.

Because she kissed me.

I knew she was drunk.
I knew she was vulnerable.
I knew she was just seeking some comfort.
I knew it all.

And I kissed her back.

"Fuck."

I kept my eyes closed as I felt her shift around in the bed.

"Fuck."

I heard the bed creak as she sat up. She realised we were both naked.

"Fuck."

I kept my breathing normal and resisted the urge to open my eyes. I didn't want to look into her eyes. I didn't want to see the look of regret on her face when she realised what had happened between us the night before. I was, to be honest, scared of how she would react.

I felt her shuffle off the bed and into the bathroom. It was only then that I relaxed and took in a few deep breaths. I would never be able to face her if she came back out and saw me awake.

I wasn't ashamed.
I wasn't embarrassed.
But I was dead afraid that she would be.

I heard the bathroom door open and closed my eyes. It would just be better if I continued feigning sleep. I didn't want to see her this morning.

She left without a word.

I hadn't heard from her for about a week and a bit.

I even went to the bar looking for her but everyone said they hadn't seen her.

She didn't reply any of my text messages or calls.

I had wondered how weird it would be if I stopped by her house to check... I only mustered the courage to do so one night. I stopped by the bar hoping I'd run into her but I didn't. I ended up drinking more than normal and had staggered my way over.

The house was dark and no car was in the driveway.

Good going, I remembered thinking, you ruined this friendship by wanting something more.

I think I sat with my head in my hands on her front steps for some time before I realised a car was approaching the driveway.

I stared at the headlights as they approached. I couldn't see the driver but I knew it was her when she turned off the engine and stepped out of the car.

"Where'd you go?"

She sat beside me on the steps.

"Somewhere to think."

"Sorry. Gosh, I'm such an idiot."

"You're not an idiot."

"I took advantage of you... H-how... Y-you should hate me!" I remember wailing that out at her before she put an arm around me.

"I don't hate you. And frankly, I'd probably do the same." She flashed me a smile before leaning in close, her lips hovering over mine. "Like right now."

I stared at her dumbfounded after the kiss was over. She laughed.

"W-w-wha?!"

"Kim, you and I both know that we've kept everything at bay for a while... I know you didn't like Pierre, but for a moment, I did feel like it would've been better to love someone else..."

"Huh?"

"It's like... Being in love with the idea of being in love. When an opportunity comes, you should take it. I missed mine with yours that day you asked me to hang out."

She fished out her box of cigarettes and offered me one. I was way too confused to even think about what was going on, so I took it.

She took a puff. "I guess you're confused."

I took a breath. "I don't know what to say."

"Silence says everything. Sometimes." She blew out a ring of smoke.

"So did you love Pierre? You seemed pretty broken-hearted to me." It sounded harsh - spiteful, even.

"Yeah, I did."

"Until he dump- until you broke up."

She shrugged.

I didn't understand it at all. One minute she tells me she loved him. The next she tells me she loves me.

"So... Where did you go?"

"Back home. For a bit. My mother was happy to see me... up until a point."

"Oh."

"I did a lot of thinking after what happened. I know I left without a word... That probably wasn't the best thing to do."

"I-I- I was awake when you left."

"Ah. Why didn't you stop me?"

"You were swearing... And I really didn't want to face you if you were upset with me."

"Coward."

"Very much so..."

We were silent again. I drew in a breath, blew out smoke, and coughed.

"You shouldn't smoke if you don't like it."

I laughed. "I look like an idiot, don't I?"

"No, but you'll ruin your lungs."

"Big words for someone who smokes when she's stressed about something."

"I smoke out of habit-"

"-and stress."

"Whatever."

It was more or less pitch black outside. The gradual burn of our cigarettes were the only things we could see.

I heard her sigh. She relaxed her arm around my shoulders and rubbed my back.

"I wasn't swearing because of what happened. It was because of what I realised. You know we hadn't gone a day without contacting each other since that weird movie date?"

"It wasn't a date."

"Seemed like one to me."

"I fell asleep and missed out on the movie."

"Heh. Yeah."

"So what did you realise?" I asked that hesitantly since I wasn't too sure whether she wanted to share these thoughts with me.

"I realised that... You've been my anchor for most aspects of my life. I don't hate my job much anymore... I'm not working for the sake of paying off my bills anymore. I'm working because I actually do enjoy movies and enjoy sharing the experience of watching them with you." She took one last puff and I watched her put out the cigarette on the steps. I let mine burn down to the filter before putting it out.

"I realised that I wasn't being fair to you or myself about things. You and I both know we are attracted to each other."

"Uh, I-"

"-Don't deny it. I once had very ludicrous thought that it was even possible for us to be friends with benefits."

"I... wouldn't have minded, to be honest."

"Nor would I, but do you see how catastrophic it would be?"

"So what are you telling me now? That we should-"

"-What I realised that, even during the period where I went gaga over Pierre, coming back to you has always made me feel safe. Made me feel that, when I wanted, I could share aspects of my life that I would have never shared with Pierre. Like that time I told you about embarrassing college moments, or how estranged I am with my family... Things like that."

"That puts me more in the 'BFF' category."

"It's not about what label you want applied to yourself, Kim. I don't like labels, you know that."

"But you went out with Pierre. You were, at one point, his girlfriend... Making you unattainable to me. I had to put a label on that." I suppose I sounded bitter - who wouldn't?

She sighed. "The point being is that you make me feel safe. Free to feel however I want about whatever 'this' is."

I swallowed back the comment that we seemed to be more than friends, but nothing like a couple.

I guess she noticed my hesitation to say anything and simply patted my knee.

"We shouldn't think too hard about things and just live in the moment."

She stood up and unlocked her door. She didn't ask or say anything, but left me to decide on the things that follow.

I think I stood there for a solid five minutes unsure of what to do before she came back to the door with a mug of hot chocolate.

"You're going to catch a cold if you stay out here much longer." She leaned on the door frame. "You know I wouldn't be mad if you didn't want to come in. I understand how... How my relationship with Pierre sort of put a strain between us. I understand if you're angry with me."

"How can I be mad at you when... When... I..." I turned around and sat back down on the steps. It felt stupid to say the words out loud, so all I did was sit there and drank from the mug.

She took it as a sign of nervousness, or even uncertainty, so all she did was say, in what I thought was an amused voice, "If you come inside, I won't force you into anything you don't want."

She left me at the door and I heard her move her things upstairs in her room. After all, she did disappear on me for a week and had packed things for her impromptu trip.

I drained the cup and stared up at the sky. I remember it was a full moon that night, so I stared at the faraway stars and wondered how the darkness swallowed them up, only to be seen when the time was right.

So when is the right time?

When do I move from one phase to another? When does it seem like the right time? Is there a right time?

Human emotions are volatile under all circumstances, so who's to say what I do is wrong now but right later? And vice versa?

I remember I went inside to wash the mug. I think she heard me close the door to keep the draft out, but she did nothing. I sat in the kitchen and heard her turn on the shower.

I must've dozed off because I found a blanket draped over my shoulders when I woke. I looked at the oven clock. 4 AM. I blinked and winced at my stiff arms and legs as I tried to get up: I had fallen asleep seated at the dinner table.

Maybe I was in a daze, maybe I was just cold. Or maybe I needed her to hold me in my sleep.

I slowly walked upstairs, blanket in hand, to her room. The door was ajar with moonlight spilling in from the window. I saw her sleeping form move with every breath she took.

I climbed into the bed with the blanket and she did not move. The heat radiating from her was like a magnet pulling me in. I found myself shuffling closer to her and then curled up beside her.