Hi! Look at me, updating nice and quick...prepare for TOO MUCH CAPS LOCK!
Justme-Ah! Those evil faces are scaring me, AJ!
Darci the Thespian-I would say Anthony, but he's so much better than Turpin that you have to ship him with Johanna. I agree that he and Marius are BFFs, though. :D
Om-Yeah, 'Epiphany' always makes me go ooooOOOOoooo. The same thing happens with 'Phantom of the Opera' and 'Defying Gravity'.
TheatreGhost-316-Hey, someone who I don't even know is reviewing my story! That's awesome. Thanks! And yes, there is indeed an Act II, as you can see.
Disclaimer-I don't own Sweeney Todd, Les Mis, Phantom of the Opera, Next to Normal, or Into the Woods. Honestly now, did anyone think I did?
TOBY: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN COME AND EAT THESE YUMMY PIIIIIIIES! Only a penny apiece!
TOWNSPERSON #1: Right, like we haven't forgotten what happened the last time you tried to sell us something.
TOWNSPERSON #2: Yeah! It would probably turn out that the meat in these pies, was, like, human meat or something. Ha! Ha!
TOWNSPERSON #1: On the other hand, they do smell awfully good...
TOWNSPERSON #2: You're right...all right, I'm caving. MORE HOT! MORE PIES! GOD THAT'S GOOD THAT IS DE HOT MORE HOT PIES MORE!
MRS. LOVETT: Nice to see you! Come in, come in. Eat up, dearies. TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBY! Be a good lad and slave for my customers while I chat with them.
TOBY: All right, mum. (is adorable)
MRS. LOVETT: (to customer) So how are you, Bob? I've just been hanging out here with my friend Mr.—
SWEENEY: MRS. LOVETT GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL PAY I SWEAR TO GOD
MRS. LOVETT: Ain't he marvelous? Better go see what he wants.
SWEENEY: WHY ISN'T IT HERE YET I WANT IT NOW
MRS. LOVETT: I think you have patience issues, love. Along with the Caps Lock Disorder you so obviously suffer from. (to customer) So, Jenny, I was talking to Eleanor the other day and—
SWEENEY: MRS. LOVETT COME OVER THIS INSTANT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
MRS. LOVETT: What is it, love? I need to make MORE HOT PIES MORE PIES GOD GOOD MORE or whatever the customers are calling them these days...
SWEENEY: IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE LOOKIE LOOKIE AT MAH PRETTY NEW CHAIR MAH NEW FRIEEEEEND
MRS. LOVETT: ...you also have problems with inanimate objects...
SWEENEY: Isn't it pretty though? Huh huh huh?
MRS. LOVETT: It looks kind of like your old chair to me...
SWEENEY: Shut up. (to chair) Don't listen to her, Leopoldine. You're beautiful.
MRS. LOVETT: ...I'm going to go serve some pies. Bye.
CUSTOMERS: GOD THAT'S GOOD
MORE THINGS: (happen, but this scene is too long already.)
ANTHONY: I feeeeeeeeeeel you, JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA! I am in the dark besiiiiiiiide you!
BEGGAR WOMAN: ...oh, that's not creepy at all.
SWEENEY: I'll probably (kills a guy) never see (kills a guy) my daughter, but I'm (kills a guy) having fun killing (kills a guy) random people, so, (kills a guy) it's all good.
BEGGAR WOMAN: CIIIIIIIIITY ON FIIIIIIIIIIRE! MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF!
ANTHONY: Right, I'm the creepy one.
JOHANNA: I'll marry Anthony Sunday, Anthony Sunday... (wanders aimlessly)
ANTHONY: I feeeeeel you...
SWEENEY: (kills a guy)
BEGGAR WOMAN: MISCHIEF!
JOHANNA: Anthony Sunday...
ANTHONY: I'll steeeeal you...
SWEENEY: (kills a guy)
BEGGAR WOMAN: CITY ON FIRE!
JOHANNA: Married on Sunday...
MRS. LOVETT: (walks onstage) I got you some gummies, Mr. Todd, the worms, just like you like...wait a minute! Were you performing a duet...without me? (lip wobbles)
SWEENEY: ...a quartet, actually.
MRS. LOVETT: Oh, right, like that's any better! You can bet you aren't getting any gummies now! (starts sobbing) WAAAAAAAAH!
SWEENEY: Shut up.
MRS. LOVETT: WAAAAAAAAAAH!
SWEENEY: SHUT UP!
MRS. LOVETT: NO! WAAAAAAAAH!
SWEENEY: WHAT WILL MAKE YOU BE QUIET? TELL ME!
MRS. LOVETT: Well...since you asked...I've always wanted to go swimming.
SWEENEY: ...swimming?
MRS. LOVETT: Yep.
SWEENEY: ...that's all?
MRS. LOVETT: Well, ideally, we'd also be getting married. And there would be seagulls.
SWEENEY: ...why don't you let me think about that one.
ANTHONY: MR. TODD MR. TODD
SWEENEY: Ugggggggh what is it?
ANTHONY: I FOUND HER I FOUND JOHAAAAAANNNA
SWEENEY: REALLY REALLY THAT'S AWESOME
ANTHONY: I KNOW RIGHT
SWEENEY: WHERE IS SHE
ANTHONY: THE INSANE ASYLUM
SWEENEY: YAY YAY YAY wait what?
ANTHONY: Yeah. And I can't figure out how to get her out.
SWEENEY: You should pretend to be a wigmaker. I know everything about wigmakers for reasons that are never revealed.
ANTHONY: Okay! (after a few lessons in wigmakering, skips off to the asylum)
(for the line below, fanfiction won't let me cross words out, so the bolded words are the ones included in Sweeney's final letter and the regular ones are the ones he's crossed out.)
SWEENEY: (plots) Dear Judge Turpin, go die in a hole. It has come to my attention that a young man is going to rescuesteal my your ward. I told him to bring her here so I could lure you in you could collect her at your convenience and throw the sailor in jail like me. Give my love to all, Benjamin Sweeney Todd. Well, that should do the trick. (gives it to a...boy in a trenchcoat and cap standing with a sorrowful expression.) Boy! Take this letter to Judge Turpin.
BOY: Oooooooooon my oooooooowwwn...
SWEENEY: Yeah, yeah. Shoo.
TOBY: (is adorable) There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, mum.
MRS. LOVETT: That's nice.
TOBY: In fact, in your best interests, I really think you should kick Mr. Todd out. The way he always has blood on his hands is kind of suspicious.
MRS. LOVETT: Hey, I have blood on my hands all the time too!
TOBY: ...yeah, but you work with meat. Mr. Todd works with people.
MRS. LOVETT: Same thing, really.
TOBY: ...what?
MRS. LOVETT: I said...have a bonbon.
TOBY: That purse looks kind of familiar...is it Signor Pirelli's?
MRS. LOVETT: Definitely not.
TOBY: No, it is! This means that Mr. Todd must have—
MRS. LOVETT: Would you like to learn how to grind meat?
TOBY: (gasp) Would I ever!
MRS. LOVETT: (leads him into the basement) See, my secret is running the meat through the grinder three times! That way no one can tell what kind of meat it is...here, grind it while I go...do something...
TOBY: Boy, this is fu-un! Mrs. Lovett, I see why you like making pies so much! Mrs. Lovett? Mum? WHERE ARE YOU? I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK, YOU KNOW!
BEADLE: Mrs. Lovett? Mrs. Lov-ett! Ah, what to do to pass the time...(sits down at harpsichord) LA LA LA...THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE—
MRS. LOVETT: INSIIIIDE MY MIIIIND!
BEADLE: Ah, didn't see you there, Mrs. Lovett!
MRS. LOVETT: Why, I didn't know you were a theatre geek too, Beadle Bamford!
BEADLE: Well, I certainly am, but that discussion will have to wait for another day because...(lowers voice) today I'm here on...official business.
MRS. LOVETT: (gasp)
BEADLE: Yes...you see...your neighbors have been complaining about the smell of rotting human flesh emanating from your bakehouse.
MRS. LOVETT: ...oh.
BEADLE: So...if I could have a look down there...
MRS. LOVETT: ...at the bakehouse?
BEADLE: Um, yes.
MRS. LOVETT: Well, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to do that, but...I...gave my key to Mr. Todd. And...he's not here.
BEADLE: WONderful. Sigh. (sits back down at harpsichord) I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE, I AM SOOOO ALIVE—
SWEENEY: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII
MRS. LOVETT: Back already, Mr. Todd? Exxxxxxxxcellent...heh heh...I mean...why don't you go get a shave, Beadle? Wouldn't want the bakehouse to see you looking like that, would we?
BEADLE: Hm, I guess you're right. One can't go into a bakehouse with unpommaded hair, can one?
SWEENEY: Of course not, sir. Here, let me escort you up.
MRS. LOVETT: We don't want anyone hearing him scream, I'd better start SIIIIIINGING LOUUUUUDLY...NO ONE IS ALONE...TRULY, NO ONE IS ALOOONE!
TOBY: Mm, these pies are yummy...cough choke WHY ARE THERE FINGERNAILS AND HAIR IN MY PIE? Something tells me that's not normal...
MRS. LOVETT: AND HOME BEFORE—Toby, dangit! WHY COULDN'T YOU KEEP BEING AN IDIOT?
SWEENEY: Did he figure it out? Oh gosh darn it, I'll have to kill him now, won't I. What. A. Shame.
MRS. LOVETT: Hey, I liked him!
INSANE PEOPLE: (are insane. And creepy.)
ANTHONY: (charges in) I'LL SAVE YOU, JOHAAAAANNNA!
JOHANNA: Oh, Anthony! (swoons)
ASYLUM HEAD GUY: Oh no you don't! That woman is clearly insane!
ANTHONY: STOP OR I'LL SHOOT!
ASYLUM HEAD GUY: Yeah, right. There's no way you would shoot anyone. You look like a puppy.
JOHANNA: He will too! Shoot him, Anthony!
ANTHONY: Well uh well uh well uh well uh
JOHANNA: Oh, for heaven's sake! THIS is how it's done! (shoots Asylum Head Guy)
ASYLUM HEAD GUY: Ow.
ANTHONY: WHAAAAA?
COMPANY: CITY ON FIIIIRE!
BEGGAR WOMAN: Catchy, isn't it?
JOHANNA: Will we be married on Sunday? Huh Anthony will we will we?
ANTHONY: YOU JUST FREAKING SHOT A GUY WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT?
JOHANNA: Well uh well uh well uh...
MRS. LOVETT: TOOOOOBY WHERE AAAAAAAAAARE YOU?
SWEENEY: Yes, come here so I can drug and kill...I mean, hug and kiss...you...
BEGGAR WOMAN: BEEEEADLE! WHERE AAAAARE YOU? MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF!
ANTHONY: Mr. Todd? Mr. Todd, where aaaaare you?
JOHANNA: (dressed up not-very-convincingly as a man) Yeah, where is this guy?
ANTHONY: It doesn't matter, he'll be back soon. I trust him as I trust my right arm.
JOHANNA: Oh, well, if that's the case. I'm sure your trust is very well-founded.
ANTHONY: Sure is! I'll be back in juuuust a second for you, okay, Johanna?
JOHANNA: Okay. I'll be here—
BEGGAR WOMAN: Hi.
JOHANNA: Eep! (hides in trunk.)
BEGGAR WOMAN: (looking around) I'm getting a strange feeling of déjà vu here...
SWEENEY: (enters) THE JUDGE IS COMING YAAAAAY! Ew, it's you. Leave.
BEGGAR WOMAN: I don't wanna.
SWEENEY: FINE THEN! DIIIIIIIE!
BEGGAR WOMAN: ...ow. (slides down the chute that I didn't mention before.)
JUDGE TURPIN: HIIIIIIIIII
SWEENEY: YOU'RE HERE!
JUDGE TURPIN: I KNOW!
SWEENEY: Your daughter...fiancée...whatever...is downstairs, and she totally wants to marry you now.
JUDGE TURPIN: Really?
SWEENEY: Yup.
JUDGE TURPIN: Can I have a shave, then?
SWEENEY: Sure! PRETTY WOMEN!
JUDGE TURPIN: PRETTY WOMEN!
BOTH: PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN
JUDGE TURPIN: Ah, we really are great buddies, aren't we, Mr. Todd?
SWEENEY: Yup. With fellow tastes in women...
JUDGE TURPIN: Lolwut?
SWEENEY: Don't you recognize me?
JUDGE TURPIN: ...oh. Crap. Benjamin—
SWEENEY: BENJAMIN BARKER! (kills him)
JUDGE TURPIN: Ow. (slides down the chute)
SWEENEY: Ah, that was fun. All right, Georges, you're done now. You can go take a nap.
JOHANNA: (leaps out of trunk) Are you gone?
SWEENEY: WHO THE HECK ARE YOU
JOHANNA: ...oh. You aren't.
SWEENEY: DIIIIIIII—
MRS. LOVETT: DIIIIIIIE!
JOHANNA: (runs away)
SWEENEY: Dang. Wait, who's Mrs. Lovett killing?
MRS. LOVETT: (kicking the judge) DIIIIIE!
SWEENEY: Wait, I didn't even kill him fully? That's kind of disappointing.
MRS. LOVETT: Whatever. He's dead now. Hey, what's this other corpse—NOOOOOOOOOOO!
SWEENEY: What is it?
MRS. LOVETT: Lol lol lol it's nothing. Just...uh...nothing.
SWEENEY: Oh, it's just that crazy old beggar—HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP.
MRS. LOVETT: (backs away slowly)
SWEENEY: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
MRS. LOVETT: Because—and this is a big declaration, Mr. Todd, I know I haven't given you any hints whatsoever, so it might be a shock—but—BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
SWEENEY: FD;KLJJAFSD;LKJAFSAD;JKL FJSAL;DKFSDA;KLJJKLFSADREOJFDISVCKLMX,ATHFB all right. It's okay.
MRS. LOVETT: Really?
SWEENEY: Yeah. You know I've never been one to hold a grudge.
MRS. LOVETT: Oh yay! Can we go get married now?
SWEENEY: No. DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! (throws her in the stove)
MRS. LOVETT: Ow.
SWEENEY: WAAAAAAH!
TOBY: I'M INSAAAAANE NOOOOW! (finds his way out of the bakehouse and discovers Sweeney kissing the dead woman, which must be more than a little disturbing.) You really shouldn't kill people, you know, Mr. Todd.
SWEENEY: asdrjalkjd;slfj
TOBY: Hey, look what I found! A RAZOR! Can I kill you with it, Mr. Todd?
SWEENEY: Sure.
TOBY: DIIIIIIIIE!
SWEENEY: WAIT WAIT I CHANGED MY—(dies) Ow.
TOBY: I'M INSAAAANE, LA LA LA...three times is the secret! Watch me grind me corn!
ANTHONY, JOHANNA, AND TWO RANDOM POLICE OFFICERS: ...
TOBY: Yep, three times through the grinder and then it will ATTEND THE TALE OF SWEENEY TODD!
COMPANY: HE KILLED EVERYBODY! THE MOST EPIC MUSIC AND LYRICS EVER! LALALA!
SWEENEY: TO SEEK REVENGE MAY LEAD TO HELL
MRS. LOVETT: -BUT EVERYONE DOES IT THOUGH SELDOM AS WELL AS SWEENEY!
COMPANY: AS SWEENEY TODD!
SWEENEY: (slams the door)
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Well, that was certainly an experience.