Still don't own Star Trek.
Putting this up early because I'm super excited I get to go see 'Into Darkness' this weekend. It's my reward for not injuring myself doing something stupid during finals this semester. Don't worry if you haven't seen it or won't see it yet. This has a plot so I won't be putting any spoilers in.
Enjoy.
… .. . .. … … .. . .. … … .. . .. …
Bones had been less than thrilled when Jim explained what they were doing. Uhura pursed her lips in thought and then took his tutelage as a personal endeavor. He was grateful that she taught him a few words along with some of the more interesting facts. Neither of them expected him to remember the crop yield of a Vulcan colony twenty years ago.
Jim and Spock hadn't tried kissing again, and he was just grateful that they both performed well under pressure and that Vulcan society would prefer if they weren't intimate at most times.
Still, it was a few days at most to Vulcan and that wasn't nearly enough time to prepare. Jim was suddenly a little grateful for a lot of things, his apparent friendship with his crew being a large one. Trying to catch up on a whole year's worth of information wasn't exactly easy. He felt like he was cramming for a huge test for a class he hadn't even taken.
It wasn't much of a surprise, when the directions they got, as they orbited Vulcan, told them the crew was free to explore the facilities, but Spock's presence was needed.
Sarek was standing there waiting for him as they beamed down. "Captain Kirk. Your presence is not necessary."
Jim squirmed, not sure how to refute that when Spock 'subtly' brushed the backs of their hands together. "I believe you will find it is."
Sarek's eyes widened ever so slightly and his ears went green. "I see. We will discuss this with T'Pau."
Jim felt nervous, following his 'boyfriend' 's dad to talk to the head of his family about kindly fucking off and letting them have a relationship. He straightened up, approaching this as a Captain negotiating with foreign dignitaries over the safety and release of a crew member. It instilled an urgent confidence in him that clearly showed. The slightest twinge of amusement showed in Spock's eyes when Jim glanced over and he suspected he knew exactly what was his current method of bolstering himself.
T'Pau was old. Well, not just old, but she had gray hair. Up until now Jim had seen some pretty old Vulcans but Alternate Universe Spock was the only one who was truly gray. She immediately fixed her gaze on him, rather than Spock, the air around her tingeing with disparagement as her hawk like eyes roved over him.
"Explain his presence." Her old voice creaked, not even particularly harsh, almost like Jim couldn't be sure it happened it was so…indistinct.
"I decline your request to find a bond mate as I am currently pursuing James Kirk romantically." Spock announced, straight to the point.
Her eyebrow winged up, something Jim thought was a cultural trait, and she glanced between them. "The duration of your romantic involvement?"
"At present, one month, two weeks and six days."
She seemed to consider this a moment. "You did not inform me."
"I had not yet seen it necessary to do so as we are attempting to pursue a relationship in a traditionally Terran manner."
"Irrelevant." She looked closer at Jim. "We must assure this will not be a waste of time. You will submit to testing the voracity of your claim and the compatibility of your minds. Should you be found acceptable a preliminary bond will be instigated."
"How the hell is that your decision?" Jim snapped, feeling just a bit of panic.
She blinked at him. "If you do not desire a lasting relationship you should cease now."
"I…" Jim took a deep breath, regaining control. "With all due respect. You aren't human. I may want to have a lasting relationship, but it's been one month. That could change. No matter how much we care for each other, people fall out of love."
Spock was staring at him, noticing the slight strain to his voice and the odd way he phrased his protest. He understood that Jim had volunteered only to deceive them, not to be erroneously engaged. It would be prudent for them to 'break it off' and admit defeat. Not only would Jim not have to be connected to him, but it would effectively solve their dilemma of ending their false relationship aboard the Enterprise.
"I believe Jim is correct." Sarek voiced out. "You are aware of the difficulty I had in convincing my own human bond mate that a preliminary bond was in no way permanent or requiring something of her. Even when she did acquiesce, she was disappointed that we were forced to be engaged before be could 'date'."
Spock was doing the Vulcan equivalent of gaping at his father, having never heard about this before. Jim was trying not to squirm at being included in something so personal for a man that, until a little while ago, he thought rather hated him. T'Pau didn't look to like this information.
"James has no doubt been made aware of this bond and the relevancy of it."
Spock flushed green, having specifically not mentioned the bond in hopes of avoiding it all together. Jim furrowed his brow, knowing Spock obviously never thought this would come up.
"I had not deemed it a necessary discussion at this point in our fledgling relationship." Spock looked like an admonished, embarrassed child and it made Jim incredibly uncomfortable.
"What exactly is this bond and why is it different than a marriage bond?" Jim asked, remembering a little something of the Vulcan information he was provided. "I get it's basically an engagement but…"
T'Pau leaned forward a little, looking a little green herself. "It is not a strong bond. However, if it is still in place by the time one customarily is wed, it will be replaced naturally with a marriage bond."
Jim felt his cheeks heat. So if he did, for what ever reason, go along with this charade that far he would have a metaphorical time bomb in his head until he was married.
"It can be broken, if the relationship becomes strained or is otherwise no longer acceptable." T'Pau added quickly at his struck look.
"Then why even have it?" Jim watched all three darken. "Why not just put the marriage bond in place when the time came or only put that in place when people finally got engaged?"
"Vulcan's are typically engaged at seven." Sarek sounded disappointed.
"I know that." Jim huffed. "What I want to know is why every relationship needs it. I mean, yeah it's illogical to enter a relationship that you don't intend to keep, but that's a lot of pressure."
"You have made your protest known." T'Pau stated. "And should you choose, by the end of your tests, that you do not desire to be bonded to him you may state as much and you will be free to leave. However, it is prudent that you accept these terms if you do indeed desire to pursue him. As must you accept our decision to terminate your relationship if you are found incompatible."
Jim's face was red, from anger at least. He had been trying to do something nice for a friend and here she was ruining everything. Furious, he grabbed Spock's hand, impropriety be damned, and dragged him out of the room. Spock had looked to be seconds away from admitting their deception and there was no way he was losing this fight.
"Jim." Spock croaked out and Jim remembered he really shouldn't be dragging him around like that.
"Sorry." Jim yanked his hand back, running it through his hair to have something to do with the hand. "I…Sorry. I just got…upset. Great. Now what?"
"I believe it prudent we cease this now. It will be simple enough for T'Pau to find me a bond mate."
Jim growled. "Hell no. I'm not letting her win. I'm not going to loose you."
That…didn't come out quite how he meant it. Fortunately, the quirked eyebrow seemed to be asking if he wanted a chance to rephrase that in a way that didn't sound quite so…romanticized. He hadn't meant it like that at all. Which was exactly what he was telling himself as he shook his head.
"You know what I mean."
"Jim." Spock almost got a reproachful tone under the blankness. "If we are to continue we will be bonded. At least in a preliminary, engagement bond."
"Your point?" Jim snarled, feeling far too annoyed to really focus on what he was saying or the fact that he wasn't thinking this through.
"Our minds would be linked. While I am capable of shielding it is not something to be done lightly."
"So you'd rather have this preliminary bond with some stranger than me?" Jim hissed, feeling like he was loosing negotiations. "Is my mind that horrifying to you? Fuck. What the hell am I doing here?"
"Jim." Spock sounded awestruck, guilty even.
Jim realized he was ranting, using a kind of intensity he reserved for particularly tense situations. He sincerely doubted that anyone had seen him this emotional since the Nero incident. Even in negotiations he managed to maintained a sense of professionalism. But this, this was tinged with a weird sense of pride and conviction, like he once used to face down Pike and Spock. He'd lost, both times, but that wasn't a consideration he was in any condition to make.
"This is about you, not me." Jim sighed, avoiding looking at him. "It isn't even my business. That you even told me…What ever you want to do, I'll back you here."
"I…thank you." Spock nodded once and turned to head back into the room, Jim trailing after trying not to look like someone had just stomped on his Enterprise figurine.
T'Pau and Sarek both raised their eyebrows, watching Jim take a respectably distant place at Spock's side. "Do you submit to the testing?"
"We do." Spock told her, and Jim took a deep, nervous breath.
"And the bonding?"
"We have not yet decided."
"Very well." T'Pau nodded. "You will meet with healers tomorrow to assess your compatibility. You are dismissed until such time."
… .. . .. …
If Jim had thought people were eager to share things with him before, he had been entirely wrong. A few welcome smiles along with their names in greeting and people were jumping to tell him everything. Especially all the fun facts they were learning in the colony. One excited ensign came running up with a Vulcan in tow, practically rambling about something said Vulcan had been in the process of telling him. Jim smiled at his eagerness when the Vulcan had to take over to finish explaining.
Oh, sure, his day had been tinged with the fact that tomorrow a Vulcan would be digging around in his head and measuring his reactions to Spock. It occurred to him he had no idea just how deep this was supposed to go. Were they going to be poking around shallowly to see if their minds were on a similar wavelength, or were they going to be diving through a litany of bedroom scenes no one needed to see? Damn. It occurred to him he should have really asked.
That night proved entirely too difficult to shut down his brain. It had happened before, in the year of his command, so he was no stranger to it. Usually, he sat down and did paperwork, or filled out and number of reports. But he'd covered all of that during shore leave. He honestly had nothing to do, a thought that stressed him even more.
His thoughts turned to the past year. He'd been avoiding it in favor of work, for the most part. Now, he let the memories wash over him, consuming every thought, drowning out everything else. He promised to stop after just an hour.
He looked at the chronograph when his door chime sounded, some time later, and cursed. So much for sleep. It didn't really matter, though, as he felt more refreshed than he had in months. He called for who ever was on the other side of the door to wait a minute and threw on fresh clothes.
"Yeah?" Jim opened the door and was immediately surprised to find Spock standing there.
"I had come to see if you would be amendable to conversing over breakfast." Spock raised an eyebrow, looking him over.
Jim wasn't sure what he was seeing that made his eyes spark with confusion. "Sounds great."
"Indeed." Spock furrowed his brow ever so slightly and looked like he wanted to ask something, but refrained, stepping out of the doorway to allow Jim to exit his room.
Jim followed him out, trying to ignore the sudden nerves settling into his stomach. They didn't speak as they made their way to a morning meal. A couple of the younger crew members' faces met the walls as they tried to subtly watch them and walk through the ship at the same time. Jim did his best to ignore the staring, but it wasn't exactly easy.
When they had both gotten their meals and sequestered themselves in a private corner, the crew was much more inclined to give them their privacy. Jim tried not to think about what that meant.
"I do not suspect this will be a particularly in depth investigation." Spock started, sounding awkward. "The healers will most likely assess our compatibility and nothing more. To invade your personal thoughts or memories would be reprehensible. However, they will likely conduct an interview. I am unsure what they will ask."
Jim nodded, feeling a little better for knowing this wouldn't be expansive. "So we should probably stick to the truth for the most part. Is there…anything in particular I should know?"
Spock shook his head. "I do not believe there is anything at this juncture that you should know."
Jim blinked. "At this juncture?"
Spock darkened, a mint blush that Jim really was starting to hate. "Were we in a…viable…romantic relationship…I would be inclined to share certain details with you at a later point. However, we have only been together one month, two weeks, and seven days."
Jim nodded in understanding, feeling his own blush creeping up again. "Right. Obviously. I mean, of course. If we…if this works…well…I mean…It's your head…so…"
Spock fortunately realized what he was asking and, somewhat embarrassed, answered. "A bond is not so simple. It is true, you would likely not feel the bond as…profoundly as I would. However in moments of extreme emotionalism or…lack of control…strong emotions and thoughts may…bleed through the bond."
Jim scratched at the back of his hand, avoiding eye contact. "I can see why you wouldn't want to be bonded to me. I'm kind of always emotional."
Spock jolted. It was more of a straightening than a jolt, but this time Jim didn't miss it. Spock seemed at a loss for words. Jim wondered if maybe he hadn't thought of that, because that was not the reaction he had been expecting.
"Jim." The emphasis Spock put on his name sent a curl of heat through him that made his whole body want to twist away from it in embarrassment. "It is not…I am capable of shielding your general emotions. Jim, it is…it is not entirely true that Vulcans do not feel."
"Could have fooled me." Jim deadpanned, obviously thinking of his emotional outburst during the Nero incident.
Spock quirked an eyebrow, but continued. "We strive to control our emotions, but the depth of those emotions we control…a bond is formed below one's shields, Jim. To block emotions, from both sides, would take a specific effort."
"I can't do that." Jim shook his head. "So in the end it goes back to you. Is this effort…is all of this worth it? We're not…All this gets you is out of…well you know. Is it worth it?"
Spock was silent for a long time, genuinely considering it. "I will admit, I would likely spend the majority of my time bonded with another shielding from them or outside of any range to feel my connection to them. The act of shielding would not be of any significance. However…the connection is. There are…reasons why Vulcans are bonded."
Jim noticed the way Spock's blush was darkening and stood. "I get the feeling this isn't a discussion for right here. Come on."
Spock nodded, standing. His blush receded some, but the green apples high in his cheeks refused to fade. Jim was trying desperately to ignore it, because it was making his own cheeks burn. Fewer people slammed into walls, having things to actually do now that the day was in at least a partial swing. Jim invited Spock back into his room, and that curious look had crept back into his eyes. Awkwardly, Jim waved his hand for him to sit somewhere.
"So…Vulcans need to be bonded to someone?" Jim understood this was an intrinsically awkward conversation, and approached it with his best captain's voice, trying to make it impersonal and informative.
That didn't stop Spock from being very tense. "Bonds serve several purposes…a Vulcan with no bonds will slowly be driven to insanity. The mind is not designed to be entirely alone. Also…"
"Yeah." Jim asked in his best disinterested tone, almost to the point that it wasn't a question.
"Are you aware to the mating habits of the female Mustela eversmanni?" Spock looked a bit…well, red Jim supposed.
"Yes." Jim said timidly, trying to understand how that connected to the previous discussion.
"There is a…similar…biological function in Vulcans when they reach adulthood." Spock lapsed into silence, hoping that explained enough.
Jim paused, connecting this information with the conversation the previous day. The engagement bond would be naturally replaced with a marriage bond because…oh. Jim flushed considerably and the only way that counted as a win for Spock was because he didn't have to say it out loud.
Jim was silently wondering how the hell he got into all this, because he was damned sure none of the other times he went drinking had resulted in him becoming fake engaged with the chance of real, awkward gay sex with his first officer being the result. What struck Jim the most from that sentence was the fact that his mind had somehow decided it was already set and they were engaged. He didn't…damn it. Apparently he did randomly get engaged to his first officer. The question was:
"How are we going to keep this from the crew when we need to get the thing dissolved?"
Spock seemed genuinely interested in the turn Jim's mind had taken. "I do not presume that would be a problem. However, I am…uncomfortable with placing you in such a precarious position, should the bond not be resolved sooner than that." Jim's eyes widened and Spock hurried to explain. "While I would of course attempt to remedy this matter long before it became of importance…there have been known to be occurrences where it is not so easily predicted. On occasion certain reactions have triggered the chemical imbalance."
Jim nodded, because he was far too far gone to freak out. "But it probably won't be an issue. Besides, we've figured out worse before."
Spock winged up an eyebrow, looking much less green by the minute. "Do you still wish to do this?"
Jim nodded sheepishly. "If you want to. Remember this is for you, not me."
Spock nodded once. "Very well. Presuming they will allow it…I would prefer to be engaged to you, even if it is a ruse, than to enter into an unwilling romantic relationship with a stranger."
Jim smiled tightly. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's convince those jerks they're messing with the wrong command team."
… .. . .. …
Jim would have never thought he would have reason to think this, but he was grateful for the time spent brainstorming how to break up his and Spock's fake relationship because it gave him a good idea of how to answer questions to keep it going. Being a smart guy, he remembered a lot about that conversation, and was able to feed responses to inane questions about Spock from there.
"What about your emotional needs as a human?" The Vulcan interviewer pressed.
Jim hissed. "Hey. I'm a guy. Don't say the 'E' word, alright?"
She nodded, seeming to accept that as a genuine answer. "How long have you been in a relationship?"
Jim groaned. "One month. Two weeks. Seven days. The only way that has changed from last time was the number of days. Technically it was the number of hours. You want the exact number on those, talk to Spock. I can't remember details like that as well as he can."
She seemed to regard him like a cockroach for a moment before taking a note. "Has your relationship ever become sexual in nature?"
Jim flushed. "What! What the hell kind of question is that? That's none of your-oh my god. Wow. No. We're waiting, thank you very much."
She raised both eyebrows at him, before taking a note. "Have you ever considered cheating on him?"
"No!" It took Jim a moment to realize just how truthful his statement was, yes because you couldn't cheat on someone you weren't dating, but hadn't he told Bones as much previously?
His answer got a pause out of her, before she nodded. "Would you give up your ship?"
Jim froze. The question sounded genuine, unlike the others, like she were asking out of personal curiosity. It was almost timid, and it struck a chord. His ship. His ship. The Enterprise…for Spock. And what did that mean? Was he supposed to consider giving up his captaincy? Or just the Enterprise? Giving up the ship, or the crew? The crew was the ship. Yes, the ship was something…something more than just metal and wires and software. But…but what was she without the crew? What was he being asked to give up, in the long run?
Was she asking literally about the ship? Just the ship? Would he and the rest of the crew be able to have another one at the end of this scenario in her head? Or are lives at stake? Or his captaincy? The Enterprise wasn't the Enterprise without her crew. Even from his self-imposed cage Jim could see that. But that included Spock. Jim couldn't imagine the Enterprise without Spock. And it would hurt, but one ship? His crew could make a new home for themselves, aboard a new ship, because home wasn't the walls around you. But without Spock?
"That's a loaded question." Jim told her softly, and she nodded, but didn't take any notes. "When is one of you going to shove their mental fingers through my brain so you can figure out that you don't have a right to keep me and Spock from each other?"
She stood, eyebrows minutely closer together than before. "I will send in the healer. You may speak with…Spock…after this. You will be alerted when you are needed again after that."
Jim stuck his tongue out at the door after she left, feeling maliciously childish. That question had shaken him. Of all the impersonal, ridiculous questions, that was the one to make him consider his attachment to Spock. He quickly squashed any considerations, because he refused to even begin to wonder about what Spock was worth to him. That would lead down a road that was awkward and would bring him back to the stupid surprise friendship.
An older, though only slightly salted Vulcan entered the room, his robes a little too long and dragging on the floor. They were wrinkled a little more than they should be, almost like they had been slept in. His hair was in disarray and looked desperately in need of a trim, being almost shaggy. Jim was stunned. He'd never seen an unkempt Vulcan before. It immediately made him like him just a little bit.
"I will need access to your meld points." He said with no lead in.
"Well hello to you too." Jim frowned.
He glanced up. "My apologies. Good morning Mr. Kirk. You appear to be well. Are there any questions you have for me?"
"Yeah. Why exactly do I need you poking around in my head to tell me I can be with Spock?"
"Ah." He sat down in the other chair and Jim could swear he almost saw a smile. "My people often forget that they have refused to share much information about themselves, while simultaneously expecting outsiders to understand perfectly when they are forced into such situations. Did you know, Mr. Kirk, that a mind meld can be highly dangerous?"
"It can?" That was news.
"Indeed. If any number of factors are…off…so to speak in the participant's brains, permanent damage can be done. It is unlikely, as there must be large discrepancies to do harm in the normally short period of contact between minds engaged in a meld." He noted the somewhat horrified look on Jim's face. "Healers are specifically selected and trained due to having rather inoffensive minds."
"Okay…what does that have to do with me and Spock?"
"A bond is rather similar to one long, continuous meld. In this, smaller discrepancies can prove harmful."
"So it's like getting a kidney." Jim furrowed his brow. "How can you tell if we're a match?"
"I have just familiarized myself with the structure of Spock's brain. I will now compare yours to it, if you are willing."
"Yeah, okay." Jim grumbled a little as the Vulcan wheeled his chair closer, just like a real, slightly creepy doctor. "But if you fry my brain I'm going to hate you as much as my veggie-brain possibly can."
"I can assure you that doing such would make me considerably unhappy."
Jim was convinced the man had worked with humans regularly, because he was being awfully friendly for a Vulcan. He was careful not to touch Jim except for the very tips of his fingers on Jim's meld points. It was a familiar feeling, but nothing else accompanied it. The healer pulled his hand back, a curious look in his eyes.
"Aren't you going to do it?" Jim asked, confused.
"Ah, forgive me, you were expecting no doubt the most common description of a meld. No, that will not be necessary. I needed only the briefest examination. If you would come with me to a common room where I may see everyone pertinent, we will discuss this." He stood, still looking strangely at Jim.
He nodded, standing up and following him. The room he led him to was functional at best and remotely unwelcoming at its worst. He supposed ideas of comfort differed from planet to planet. Sarek and T'Pau were already seated in the room. Gingerly, Jim took a seat to the far side. The healer mentioned something about going to see how much longer Spock would be with questioning and bid a hasty retreat.
Some might say he was being paranoid, but he was sure T'Pau was trying to kill him with that icy stare of hers. Spock entered the room shortly with the doctor and the woman who had asked them questions. She muttered something quickly in the healer's ear and left. Spock took a seat next to Jim, and very suddenly this seemed an awful lot more pertinent than it had just a minute ago.
The healer sat down primly, looking much less friendly in the presence of other Vulcans. "In regards to the questions posed about your relationship, you show no signs of duplicity. The few discrepancies made by Mr. Kirk are well within the normal range for an average human of his age and stress level. As for your mental compatibility and the sustainability of a bond, I would highly recommend it."
That seemed to shock the Vulcan's present, even Spock, so Jim acted like this was huge news to him as well. "The wavelength, amplitude, and polarization are extremely close, but more importantly, they are also in tune, rather then perfect refractions. Indeed, if I were presented only with your brains, I would suspect you of being monozygotic, rather than completely differing species. In light of this, I find you not only compatible, but would highly recommend at the very least a basic familial bond being implemented to offer stability."
That Jim understood, and found himself staring at Spock, who seemed at an utter loss for what to say. The healer continued, informing them that he could perform the preliminary bonding if that was what they wanted and he would give them some time to consider it. The room was utterly silent after he left for a minute until T'Pau offered them a moment and prompted Sarek to follow her out.
"So…" Jim finally said after the door had been closed and they had been alone for a minute. "Are you regretting saving my drunk ass from an angry bird-bat yet?"
Spock blinked at him sharply, which was odd to say the least. "I do not believe I have heard you speak so informally in some time."
Jim scowled. "Shut up. I'm tired of talking about that. Are we getting engaged or what?"
"You are sure you wish to do this?" Spock allowed for the subject change. "You have no requirement to do so."
"Of course I don't. I wouldn't do it if I had to…well, okay. Maybe I would but it'd have to be for an awfully good reason." Jim stopped, centering himself and giving Spock a wry look. "I already told you I'm fine."
"Very well…is there anything you wish to ask, before we do so?"
"Why did you make it sound so doom and gloom when he barely even touched my brain. Weren't you engaged once? I mean, you were seven."
"I do not wish to discuss my previous engagement." Spock sounded…bitter. "The process is more in depth for children as their minds are still developing."
"Oh." Jim wisely didn't ask about the tone he took. "So…uh…I guess this is it. I'll try to keep my thoughts to my self."
"Thank you."
"Yeah, well, I can't shield or anything but-" Jim paused when Spock raised a hand to stop him.
"I was thanking you for your assistance."
"Oh. Okay. We should probably get everyone back in here."
Spock requested they come back into the room and returned to his seat by Jim. Everyone sat very still for a moment, waiting to hear what they had to say. Jim noticed, with something akin to concern, that Sarek was staring at him with a strange look. Highly strange, in part because there was a look there at all. Jim couldn't quite identify it, but if pressed he would describe it somewhere between loathing, anger, and ardor. It was just weird.
"We have agreed to the preliminary bonding." Spock informed them.
Jim could swear T'Pau's eyes lit up. Which was just weird both on principal and to see. The healer was all business at that point, leaving the room to go collect paperwork. Jim had not been aware there was paperwork. Paperwork made him highly nervous, because paperwork could be filed and documented and paperwork could absolutely ruin him if something went wrong. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that Spock wasn't like that. He squashed the betrayers voice, whispering that he couldn't really know because he'd spent the last year trying not to, by reminding it that Spock had lied to save his life.
The paperwork was fairly standard. Name, date, duration of relationship before preliminary bonding, nature of relationship, nature of bond being created, general agreements involving the dissolution of the bond, general agreements regarding something called koon-ut-kal-if-fee if he was pronouncing those weird characters right (which Jim suspected was that whole time-bomb anyway by the way they tried to gloss over it), and the like. Still, Jim was more giddy than any time he'd done ambassador work, though less happy, for certain.
"Very well." The healer announced when the paperwork was filed, both Sarek and T'Pau acting as witnesses. "I shall create the bond, then."
He placed both hands on Spock's meld points. Jim felt nervous as slowly, eyes half-lidded, he removed one hand from Spock's meld points and placed it on Jim's. Immediately, Jim could feel a strange humming sensation, almost burning. Jim was distracted by this sensation, and didn't notice the healer's other hand coming over to joining the first until it had settled onto his meld points. He gave a sharp gasp as he was met with a searing sensation behind his eyes and the curious feeling similar to the adrenaline rush he received doing something incredibly stupid.
The man removed his hands and the fear that usually accompanied his adrenaline rushes was all that was left behind. Jim felt a horrified panic, like something wasn't right. On instinct, he reached out, and was met by Spock's hands reaching back.
"Be calm Jim. Be calm." Spock whispered, sounding a little shaken himself. "I am here."
He was, making Jim feel instantly better. "W-what the hell?"
"Forgive me, I should have warned you both." Sarek spoke softly. "Humans participating in an engagement bond do not experience it in the same manner as Vulcans. As they lack the telepathic abilities of our kind, they may initially feel as though the bond is a hole, of sorts, in which something is missing. It takes time for the human mind to acclimate itself to the bond, something that may be aided by repeated mental contact. With time...or a full marriage bond, it will be far easier. Until this time, you may wish to form a partial shield, to reduce the effect."
Jim blinked at him, realizing after a moment he was speaking from experience. "Would have been nice to know that a little sooner."
Spock ignored that statement. "I will adjust my shield to accommodate this."
"I would have liked to know this information." The healer almost sounded snippy.
"We are grateful of your service." T'Pau said scathingly. "We will show ourselves out."
He took the hint in the slight tone of voice she used and left. Jim coughed, drawing his hands back in embarrassment. The instant panic and feeling he could only describe as loss had passed. Now he realized how he'd basically been clinging to Spock and doing the Vulcan equivalent of a very long and steamy kiss. That hadn't been what he meant to do, but he had desperately needed the contact.
Spock seemed completely unembarrassed by the little act of impropriety. Maybe it was nothing to be embarrassed by, because it wasn't actually anyone's fault. Jim was perfectly keen to think he hadn't actually made a fool of himself in front of Sarek and a Vulcan ambassador that was one of the most important people in the universe at the moment. He wasn't stupid enough to believe he hadn't committed a social gaffe, but as long as they didn't mention it, he was going to keep pretending.
"Congratulations." T'Pau told them with a light dip of her head. "May your relationship be successful."
"I would request that you refrain from speaking publicly on this matter until later in our relationship." Spock told her. "I am aware you wish to use my engagement as a political device, however, it is a personal matter first. I have little doubt that you would not infringe upon my privacy."
This last statement was made with the kind of finality that meant ill towards her if she did. She waited for a moment before inclining her head in acquiescence. Jim felt like he was standing in the middle of two warring parties trying to negotiate a treaty between them in order to get his crew off the planet alive. It was a rather familiar feeling.
The tension dissipated quickly, though, and they all stood to leave. T'Pau was quick to exit, spry for such an old woman. Spock walked a ways from the room, scowling after her. Jim placed a hand over his chest, as though it could possibly slow down his racing pulse.
"I will confess to misgivings about your relationship with my son."
Jim jerked to look at Sarek, refraining from a manly yelp by the bare minimum. "O-oh?"
Sarek looked him over with that same strange look. "My son lost much. I agreed only to T'Pau's suggestion that Spock become engaged because I believed it would be best for him to have someone to stabilize him. It is my sincerest hope that you are capable of doing so, Mr. Kirk."
Jim drew up short, grabbing his upper arm. "Excuse me? Spock is perfectly stable. I'm not sure I appreciate what you're implying."
Sarek glanced down at his hand before boring holes into his eyes. "You misunderstand. I fear for my son's mental well being. The loss of his familial bond to his mother was...drastic. I myself had to spend considerable time with a healer after my loss. Spock has not. His bond with you may make meditation and shielding easier."
Jim furrowed his brow, releasing him. "He seems fine to me."
"He is...for now." Sarek glanced over at Spock, who was fielding a question from someone who had approached him. "Maintaining a relationship with someone whom he is familiar and comfortable with and may see on a regular basis will undoubtedly serve a therapeutic purpose. More importantly...it may serve to remind him that love is not for humans alone."
Jim found himself gawking as Sarek hurried to his son's side just as he was finishing his explanation. His timing was exceptional. Jim could hardly believe he'd just had that conversation. It wasn't the usual run in he had with parents, for certain, but it was also distinctly similar to how someone might possibly wish them well. Sarek mentioned something to Spock as Jim approached and left quickly before Jim could catch up.
"So." Jim scuffed his shoe on the ground, causing it to squeak loudly as they headed for the exit.
"Indeed."
"Are you...uh...shielding?"
"I am. Most likely, it will take some time to perfect the necessary shielding, but I should be capable of...mitigating the sense of loss you feel in association with our bond." Spock didn't look at him as he spoke, which Jim was beginning to suspect was a sign of embarrassment.
"Uh...Sorry about that back there." Jim winced. "You know. Touching you like that."
Spock did look at him now, one eyebrow raised in question. "You acted in no way improperly, Jim. Your reaction was based entirely on instinct. To fault you for such would be greatly inappropriate."
Jim shrugged, not really feeling better for it. "Yeah. Okay."
"If it is acceptable, I wish to spend my lunch in the labs here." Spock told him. "I am curious as to the projects currently being tended to on the planet."
Jim nodded. "Of course. I'd love to hear about it later."
Spock stopped, cocking his head to the side and giving him a very restrained, but disappointed look. Jim paused, taking it in and trying to understand what he just did to earn it. It hit him, after a second, that he'd just given a captain's answer. It was another of those regurgitated flat responses he'd been giving for a year. It really struck him when he realized Spock had never taken the time to tell him about things whenever he told him that.
"I didn't mean it like that." Jim sounded horrified to his own ears. "I've just had a long and emotionally draining day, I spent all of yesterday having kids from my ship drag Vulcans over to explain projects to me, and I hadn't realize how very hungry I am until you said the word lunch."
Spock raised an eyebrow at him. "Indeed. I will spare you the details of the experiments, then..."
Jim realized he was using a very specific tone and frowned. "What? Did I do something? Or...you don't trust me alone do you?"
"That is not the case."
"Then what is? Because you're staring at me like I did something."
"I am not." If it wasn't delivered so flatly, he'd have thought it was almost immature.
"Spock." Jim found himself growling. "I can't read your mind."
Spock blinked once, mouth twitching for a split second like he weren't sure what to do with it. "I was discussing lunch plans not with my superior officer, but with my fiancé."
Jim scowled in confusion, before turning five different shades of red. "You don't have to eat lunch with me."
"Of course." Spock tilted his head ever so slightly. "I would not do so if it were a requirement."
Jim lost the battle to his smile, shaking his head a little. "Yeah. Okay. That said, we aren't, really. So...yeah. You don't have to make plans around me. Just do what you want, you know?"
"Very well." Spock nodded once and then left.
Jim sighed. If he though he was in over his head before, someone had started throwing dirt back into the hole he had dug for himself while he was still at the bottom. His stomach rumbled and he started off towards the project of getting food. Maybe if he wasn't thinking on an empty stomach, he could figure out what to do about this mess he had gotten himself into.
… .. . .. …
"You are engaged to Spock."
Jim snapped his head up, staring at the Vulcan man who was looming over his table. "Excuse me?"
"You are engaged to Spock." He repeated himself. "Are you not?"
"Do I have some sort of sign on me?" Jim twisted to see if anyone had taped something to his back.
"You do not." He sounded very stiff, gratingly so.
Jim tried not to scowl at him. "Alright. How did you find out?"
"I was made aware that Spock was pursuing a relationship with a shipmate. You are the most logical choice politically." He paused for a moment. "Also, I saw you at the medical center with a healer. The only reason for such would be to receive a bond."
Now Jim scowled, and it was a lovely one. "Creepy stalking aside, who told you about Spock?"
"I was in consideration to be his bondmate, therefor it was logical to inform me that he and I were no longer to discuss the matter." It was possible, just possible, that he heard a note of bitterness.
"Uh huh." Jim frowned. "Why me? Why not one of the many lovely young women on my ship? Not a single girl in my science department, and several in medical, wouldn't jump on the chance to date him."
He had only realized this recently, what with not paying attention before, but that didn't make it any less true. To whit, he was somewhat surprised to find that all those regretful people on his ship were very respectful of their decision to be in a relationship. One lovely girl, Chapel, was quick to explain that she knew when they got together, she had just been hoping she was wrong.
The Vulcan man seemed to be considering his statement carefully. "He would not further water down Vulcan blood."
Jim felt a flash of anger at that. "Listen you son of a bitch. Spock is the best person I know and fuck you very much if you think for even a minute he's worth less than you because of his mixed race."
The man's eyes had widened fractionally, so small the only real distinction was the thin line in his forehead from his eyebrows raising as well. "You misunderstand. I was speaking in terms of the prejudice he has faced and his desire not to inflict such on a child of his own. Spock is highly valuable, more so than you."
Jim stood. "Excuse me?"
"Spock is a fascinating and beautiful creature." The smugness just below his voice was starting to piss Kirk off. "He is fully unique and poses the rare ability to help us further understand our species. Further he is an intellectual without regular comparison. You are merely a man in possession of a set of skills necessary to take advantage of chance and probability. Including the chance that, after such a devastating loss as Spock has faced, he would seek a relationship to comfort and stabilize himself."
Jim felt a familiar stab of pain at that. "I'm not just some temporary solution to a problem you ass."
The Vulcan folded his arms behind his back. "No. Indeed. It is regrettable that he will likely settle for you as he is unaware he has superior options."
Jim gritted his teeth, reigning in his anger. "Fine. You're jealous. I don't care."
… .. . .. …
Spock looked up from an experiment he was inspecting to see his father. He was just watching him. After a good minute of staring, Sarek approached, nodding politely to him.
"Father." Spock moved away from the experiment, holding his hands at his back.
"Spock." Sarek lifted his hand in greeting. "It is good to see you well."
"Indeed. You as well." Spock glanced sideways at the room of experiments. "Is there something you are in need of?"
"I simply wish to speak with you." Sarek informed him. "It has been 7.862 months without our engaging in correspondence."
Spock didn't feel particularly guilty at that. "What do you wish to discuss?"
"You are displeased." Sarek noted. "I wish only to familiarize myself with your life since the time of our last discussion."
"I am not displeased, father. However, I am aware that you are disappointed in me for not informing you of my relationship with James Kirk and will no doubt lecture me for my actions." Spock started walking to another experiment. "I do not wish to discuss this. I am certain in my decision and-"
"You misunderstand me, Spock." Sarek followed him, sparing only a slight glance for the experiment. "I understand that one is not always capable of deciding who they make a connection with. I do not understand your attraction to Captain Kirk. I have, however experienced such a thing myself and faced a great deal of opposition in my decision."
Spock pointedly didn't look at him. Both the allusion to his mother and the combination of his lies made him highly uncomfortable.
"I wish the best for you and Captain Kirk."
Spock gasped. "Jim."
"Yes, Ji-"
"Father. Something is wrong." Spock looked at him, clear panic in his eyes. "I...I must find Jim."
Sarek made no question of his insistence. "Remove the shielding. The bond will aid you in finding him."
Spock hesitated only a moment before he was out of the room, racing off. His father kept step with him, something he was surprised by. It wasn't long until he found exactly where Jim was. The crowd of curious onlookers was a dead giveaway.
In the middle of the room, Jim was panting heavily through his mouth, blood pouring from his nose at a reasonable rate. A bruise was already forming around his eye. The Vulcan across from him looked better, technically, but was in terrible condition for a Vulcan. He was heavily favoring his right leg, his hair was in disarray, and his teeth were stained green from something in his mouth bleeding.
Spock raced forward as he lunged at Jim. Jim stumbled back in surprise, both at the attack and the sudden presence of his first officer. Spock grabbed the Vulcan man by the throat, lifting him. It was a surprisingly familiar scene for Jim, having Spock come to his aid in a fight. He was beginning to think he needed more skills then just what he learned in bars and the academy.
Jim coughed up a bit of blood running down the back of his throat and rasped. "Thanks."
Spock glanced back at him, eying his broken nose. "You have injured my captain."
The man struggle a bit, but quieted down at the stern look he received, settling instead for croaking out a response. "Forgive my first impression. Your captain instigated the fight."
"That is likely." Spock agreed. "However, I am ending it."
"Hey!" Jim yelped, glancing up from where he was trying to stop his nosebleed. "This prick attacked me because he's petty and jealous."
The man bristled. "I am not."
"Jealous?" Spock raised an eyebrow. "Of what?"
"Nothing. I am not-"
"That I get to have you and he doesn't." It occurred to Jim, a beat later, that he had just said that in front of quite a few people.
Spock snapped his head back, growling. "I could forgive you fighting him as my captain, but as my fiancé? Do not touch what is not yours."
Jim snorted, splattering more blood on his shirt. "I'm not the one he wants to touch."
Spock released the man, turning to him with his eyebrows furrowed. "Did you antagonize him out of jealousy?"
Jim flushed a little, hiding it by wiping his nose with his arm. "No. I just...he was being an asshole. I called him on it...He didn't like being called jealous. I didn't do anything."
"It is apparent that we must have a discussion." Spock glanced at the man one last time, effectively dismissing him.
Jim swayed a bit. "Could you...uh...you know...shield?"
Spock's eyes flew open wide and he realized he had left his shields down for their discussion. Sarek was quick to get the crowd to disperse as Spock lead Jim out of the room. He followed after at a distance, in case his presence proved necessary. Spock hovered a hand over Jim's back, ready to direct him somewhere if he needed to.
Jim slumped against the wall. "My head hurts."
"That is likely." Spock looked him over. "This will necessitate a call to Doctor McCoy."
Jim bristled. "I had been doing fine until I was hit with a panic attack because I wasn't touching you."
Spock flinched, looking at him with wide eyes. "Jim...I..."
Jim flushed, looking away. "Spock, I can't handle that. If you drop the shield every time something goes wrong...I know you were just doing it to protect me but you have got to trust me a little more."
Spock looked abashed. "I am unaccustomed to the emotions that are attached to being bonded. I have not yet learned how to control them. I am sorry for my transgression."
"Spock..." Jim reached up to cup his face with his hand. "We'll figure this out."
Sarek coughed. "Perhaps this discussion would be better held in a private room."
Jim turned scarlet when he realized what he was doing with his hand. He didn't do that to girls, and he had on good authority that it was a very effective gesture. When did he suddenly want to start touching his first officer?
'When I got bonded to him.' Jim reminded himself bitterly.
"What I need," Jim said to no one in particular, "is a fighting lesson."
"Then I shall endeavor to provide you with such, with the understanding that you will use discretion in most situations, rather than violence." Spock put his hands at his back.
Jim glared. "Hey! I don't always resort to violence. I'm perfectly diplomatic."
Sarek and Spock both raised their eyebrows at him. Jim flushed and started off, pissed more at himself than anything else. Spock hadn't wanted everyone to know about the engagement, and he'd completely blown that. Spock had trusted him to stay out of trouble, and he couldn't do that either. He couldn't even claim that he had tried, because his immediate reaction to the other man was to antagonize him. He had no reason to be affronted. The fact of the matter was Spock wouldn't have chosen him. Spock didn't want him. He didn't even know the other man...
He might have resented it at first, but Spock had resented Jim at first too. Maybe this other person could have provided him something Jim was incapable of. Some form of understanding or some connection Jim could never give. Maybe he would have found someone that he didn't just tolerate, but could love. Not necessarily be in love with, he suspected that the incompatible sexual orientation didn't refer just to his preferences but Spock's as well, but someone that he would share a deeper understanding with. Maybe whoever Spock would have been bonded to could have been someone that would have enriched his life.
Maybe he was settling for using his bond with Jim as an excuse because he didn't know he had 'superior options'.
"Jim." Spock set his hand on Jim's shoulder, stopping him.
Jim looked around, realizing two very important things: he had no idea where he was, and his vision was blurry. This first fact was likely because he had stormed off without any direction and wasn't even paying attention. The second was because...well, it was because he was crying.
"Spock." Jim hiccuped, and what kind of fierce, distant captain cried?
Spock hesitated, before reaching up to gently brush a tear from Jim's cheekbone. "Have I upset you?"
Jim shook his head, hiccuping again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Spock..."
"What reason do you have to be sorry, Jim?" Spock tucked his hands behind his back, because the tips of his fingers were numb with the depth of guilt and sorrow they had touched in Jim's face. It had alarmed him and he didn't know how to assuage those emotions.
"You could have been happy. You can be happy, but instead you're not." Jim rubbed furiously at his eyes, wishing he looked more like a grown man and less like a kid. "You could be happy but you're with me now and I'm just tying you down and I'm sorry."
"Jim? I do not understand."
Jim shook his head, wishing he could make it clearer, but tripping over his own words. "You don't want to be with me. But you won't get the chance to be around anyone if you're pretending to be with me."
Spock didn't quite understand how Jim had come to be on this topic, or why he was so insistent that he should do nothing to stand in the way of Spock's happiness, even tangentially, but he understood that this was the cause of Jim's distress. Perhaps it was something from the altercation that morning, but Jim felt now that his decision had been wrong.
"Jim..." Spock hesitated. "I do not understand your concern. I do not feel that you have done any such thing. "
Jim scrubbed at his eyes. "I'm sorry. Jeez. I'm sorry. I've been getting all weird lately."
Spock's eyes brightened almost imperceptibly. "I believe I understand now what is the problem. If we could retire to our rooms, I believe I may have a solution."
Jim nodded, following him wearily. He knew something was wrong, and Spock had just confirmed that. Jim had better control of his emotions. Jim had better control of himself. He felt so detached, though, suddenly. His emotions seemed rampant, but like their own living thing, taking up residence in his skull. He felt almost tired as Spock let him into his room.
They had been given their own rooms, for this little political fiasco, because they were expected to stay planet-side for the duration of Spock's awkward summons.
Jim couldn't tell anyone what his room looked like. He'd gone back up to the ship and been there all night, rather than stay on the planet. From what he understood, Spock had done much the same. Apparently he had no desire to be down there.
The room was relatively sparse. A stiff bed, a carpet of some kind, a table in a corner with an incense burner, Jim figured there were more things, but he couldn't really notice them. Spock had taken a seat on the bed, directing Jim to do the same wordlessly.
"So what's wrong with me?"
"I had informed you previously that the bond is placed below any shields." Spock shifted so that he was sitting cross legged on the bed. "I was forced to form a shield within the bond itself to stem the feeling you associated with its presence. It is possible that this shield, so directly in contact with your mind has caused some displacement of your emotions."
"Okay." Jim shifted how he sat, feeling a bit more like a little boy for the moment. "What do we do then?"
Now Spock lowered his brow a fraction, apparently not pleased with his own answer. "There is only one current answer, given the necessity of the shield to prevent your alarm. While it would be possible to remove the shield, I do not believe that forcing you to acclimate yourself to the bond in such a manner would be conducive to your health. In light of this difficulty, I would request permission to access your mind, in so much that I could build the shield from your own mind, making a much more effective and unobtrusive defense."
Jim considered that a moment. He couldn't claim he was surprised this was all because of the bond. While he'd been having a bad week or two, this insane feeling, the loss of control, had really only taken over that morning. He could see, from a single glance in those wide brown eyes, that Spock felt guilty for that, at least.
"Alright. Your dad said we needed to anyway, right? In case anything happens..." Jim grimaced at his own word choice. "Never mind. We can work that out later."
Spock had, momentarily, forgotten the suggestion. He had never considered that they would actually do such. Jim's mind was not his to access, and would have never been. He would have gone without ever removing the shielding, nor attempting to ease the bond into place. Yet, now that Jim mentioned it, he was beginning to realize just what trouble and danger this bond could be.
"Very well, I will fix the shielding now, with your permission." Spock shifted subtly closer, extending his hand.
Spock did not enter Jim's mind as he would in a normal meld. The bond plunged him deep into Jim's mind, deep into his katra. Jim's soul, his essence ghosted through him, seamlessly falling against his own soul. The cool breath of his soul was like a soothing balm on the ragged edges of his torn bonds. He could feel, too, the long torn edges within Jim's own soul. Though these points were like fire against his soul, an echoing pain, he didn't shy away from this feeling.
He distanced himself from the senseless feeling, though, focusing instead on the bond itself. Jim's mind was clingy, he noticed, not just in the areas where his presence assuaged his pain, but also against Spock's broken bonds. A gentle nudge, a reminder of his purpose there, was all it took though for Jim to respectfully release him.
The shield had been effectively obliterated by their meld, so Spock had no way of seeing just where it had gone wrong before. This was hardly of consequence, because he could now feel, through Jim's mind, the shield he was erecting. It was nearly finished when Spock began to withdraw. The shield would be mostly inoffensive to his mind. Spock would retrieve himself through the bond, however. Though he was at the deepest point of Jim, there was much he had not touched within Jim. To withdraw from his mind after sealing himself inside...he would have to pass through all of Jim, and he had no right to do so. If Jim ever so wished for him to access his mind in such a way, he would do so from a normal meld.
When Spock withdrew, finally, he sat for a long moment, just staring into Jim's eyes. Jim seemed equally stunned, before finally slumping back, rubbing a bit at his eyes.
"Wow." Jim gulped. "That was a hell of a hug."
Spock quirked an eyebrow at him. "Have you assessed your well being?"
Jim sighed, scooting back a bit to prop himself up against the pillows. "Tired. I just really realized I haven't slept in a while...A lot better. Is that supposed to feel like that?"
"I do not know." Spock admitted.
Jim hummed, closing his eyes a bit. "That...wasn't that bad. I...I'm not really sure what to think about that."
"Indeed." Spock shifted a bit, disguising it as changing how he was sitting. "It is less invasive then I had believed it would be and yet somehow..."
"More?" Jim offered. "I think I get what that healer was saying...I mean, not that we're getting married or anything...but...I, if you don't think it's a bad idea...I wouldn't necessarily say you had to stay completely out of my head." Jim cracked an eye open and saw an entirely blank look fixed on him. "What I mean is...well, when you were in my head, it felt like a load off my shoulders. Like...peace of mind or something. I thought, maybe that isn't such a bad thing? I don't know. I'm tired and rambling and-"
"I understand." Spock interrupted. "I believe you are correct. If we are to continue such melds, however, I find it likely that we will become exceedingly familiar with each others thought process."
Jim didn't need that spelled out for him. If they kept doing that, they'd be in each others heads. And even ignoring the difficulties they were going to deal with the fake relationship they were trying to keep up, that was going to change their relationship drastically. Jim was still trying to figure out this sort-of friend thing they had going on, and now it was immediately being changed.
Is wasn't like Jim wasn't up for a challenge. "If it helps, then we'll work it out. Maybe this will be easier than trying to figure out this whole friendship thing on my own."
Now Spock raised both eyebrows, possibly amused. "I see. Rest now Jim. I will return to retrieve you for dinner."
Jim hummed, letting his eyes fall shut again and relaxing into the stiff bed. He was asleep within moments. Spock stood, watching him for a moment, shaken, before leaving the room quickly. The interaction of Jim's mind with his own had not been anything like he expected. His katra longed for that healing contact, and he understood now why his father had been so insistent that he see a healer. Until he had felt such a soothing calm, he had not realized how turbulent his own katra had been. He did not know how long this borrowed stability would last, and a small part of him worried he would become dependent of Jim's healing touch. That he would not truly heal, but simply rely on Jim.
He needed meditation, for now.
… .. . .. …
Jim squirmed. He wasn't used to squirming in front of people, but he also wasn't used to standing in front of his not-a-fiance's father apologizing for running off the day before. Sarek would have none of it though, completely brushing him off. Jim didn't know what to think of that.
One final diplomatic breakfast, and they were off. Pike was suspicious, but didn't press about what was so important. Jim was grateful for that, at least. Word was somewhat contained within his crew, and he wanted it to stay that way. While he could do nothing about the news that they were dating spreading through Starfleet at this point, the last thing he wanted was for everyone to know about his more than dating, but not exactly engaged, but totally more serious than that in some ways thing he had happening with Spock.
He should have known things weren't going to be that simple.
McCoy stormed into the canteen, a PADD in his hands waving wildly about. His face was flush and flustered as he approached. Spock had actually been the first to spot him, and Uhura and Jim quickly devoted their attention to him.
"I can't believe this." McCoy huffed when he could finally speak, thrusting the PADD in Uhura's hands.
She began reading quickly. "...That the two heroes of the Federation and the greatest assets of Starfleet...substantiated by several witnesses during an incident upon Starbase...Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock are engaged in a romantic relationship of considerable depth and severity. Not much is currently known on the details of this romantic relationship."
Jim groaned even as she set the PAAD down, still staring at it. Spock looked to be sitting a bit stiffer in his seat, his mouth a tight line. McCoy was still fidgeting angrily, having renewed his disgusted fluster with the rereading of the article.
"Great." Jim sighed, rubbing his temples. "Great. Okay...This can't be worse than facing down a Klingon armada, can it?" Three pairs of eyes came to settle on him and he winced. "It could be worse though."
Uhura whistled lowly, passing the PADD back to McCoy. "We knew this was going to hit the tabloids sooner or later."
"This is completely unfounded." McCoy hissed. "They have absolutely no right to be prying into people's lives."
"It's their job, Bones." Jim fumed. "When did this hit the news cycle?"
"About an hour ago."
"Fuck." Jim croaked. "That means I have about two more hours before every single person I know is clamoring for an explanation and half a trillion that I don't."
"I apologize-" Spock began, before Jim cut him off, raising his hand to stop him without even looking up. "Captain?"
"That is not what I need right now." Jim scolded. "And I know. Really. This stupid bond has made it perfectly clear how bad you feel about that."
Spock straightened his spine. "I do not believe I have made any transgression that warrants such punishment as discussing feelings, Jim."
Jim chuckled, before breaking down into a nearly hysterical bout of laughter. McCoy pulled out a tricorder, a rather flat look on his face as he checked to see that Jim wasn't having a breakdown. Nothing abnormal, but still.
"Is that mind junk making him loose his mind?" McCoy hummed, putting the tricorder away.
"Not at this juncture, no."
"I'm sure this will all blow over in a few weeks." Uhura ignored the exchange. "This kind of gossip doesn't last very long, not even for heroes of the Federation."
… .. . .. …
"Um...Captain Kirk?" Yeoman Rand looked deeply apologetic to be bothering him in the middle of his shift.
Jim sighed, aware that this had to have something to do with that stupid article. "Yes?"
"Well...sir...You've received twenty messages in the last thirty minutes, two of which are video messages." She half shrugged. "It could be pretty important."
"I doubt it." Jim muttered, standing up. "Spock, take the conn. I'll take my messages in the meeting room Rand."
She nodded once and hurried off. Jim gave Spock a withering look as he came to stand by the command chair. Spock simply raised an eyebrow and Jim reluctantly stormed off to go find out what everyone wanted.
Spock hadn't been sitting long when he felt a sharp spike of anger deep below his shields and stood abruptly. "You have the conn. Lieutenant Sulu."
Sulu snapped his head up in surprise just quick enough to see Spock leaving the room. Everyone stared silently for a moment, glancing around. With a look of apprehension, Sulu moved.
Spock could still feel the faintest tug of unbridled fury below his shields. It was shocking. This emotion, it was something that flooded even the walls of the bond, beyond what any shield could stop. It was tainting Jim's katra, like a festering wound leaking poison. He hesitated to think what could possibly be the cause of such a thing.
Jim had locked the door to the meeting room, but Spock had no trouble overriding it. What he saw inside prompted him to re-engage the lock behind him.
Jim was standing in the middle of the room, heaving. Blood dripped from his hand, mirroring the two bloody spots on the wall that had likely damaged him when struck. One of the chairs had been uprooted, thrown at the view screen to bounce harmlessly off and to the side somewhere. Jim's face was almost emotionless, the fury he was feeling too deep to show on the surface. He didn't turn when Spock entered the room.
The video correspondence on the screen had been paused. On it, the head and shoulders of a human man stared down. His gray-green eyes danced with laughter in the frozen still, his lips twitched into a genuine, adorante smirk. He was a handsome man, if somewhat rough looking, having apparently not shaved in a day or so. His mud brown hair fell somewhat wispily across his forehead, nearly covering his raised, bushy brown eyebrows. In spite of the few scars and the sunburned skin, it was all too clear this man was related to Jim.
"Jim." Spock encroached softly.
Jim glanced back at him, eyes nearly icy and his pupils pin-pricks in his irises. "Spock."
The inflection of his name sent a chill through Spock, a sharp dagger. "Your anger alerted me to some distress."
Jim sneered. "Sorry to have inconvenienced you."
"You are not, but it is of no consequence." Spock placed his hands behind his back, coming to stand at a parade rest next to Jim. "His is of close relation?"
"My brother." Jim growled, kicking a chair out from the table and collapsing into it.
Spock carefully moved to sit near him. "Why are you angered by his correspondence, Jim?"
Jim laughed. "You know...I hadn't spoken to any of my family in years...when I became a Captain. My mother called me up that night, in tears. She didn't beg for forgiveness, but she wanted me to understand how sorry she was, how proud she was. I was so angry at her...but I couldn't quite cut her out of my life. We don't talk often, but she's trying. Sure, it took me turning my life around for her to give even an ounce of concern about me, hell, she constantly lectures me about staying out of trouble. Day late and a credit short, but at least she's there."
"Your brother did not contact you." Spock was smart enough to follow the implications.
"No." Jim stared up at the screen. "He left me, when I was ten. And now? Now he waltzes right back in, calling me up without so much as a 'how have you been' or a 'sorry it's been so long'. He just starts talking at me like it was only yesterday we were staring up at the stars, making plans for our lives, like he didn't abandon me."
Spock felt a twinge of that poison hatred through the shield and it made him sick, because he understood it quite well. "Will you refuse his correspondence, then?"
Jim let out a choked sob and shook his head, slamming his damaged fist into the table. "I want to. I really do."
"Jim...I can feel how this tears at your katra." Spock spoke slowly, not wanting to alarm him. "I believe it would be unwise to make a decision while you are so damaged."
Jim snarled. "It isn't exactly as easy for humans. We can't just go to a healer and have them do some mind thing and fix us."
Spock raised an eyebrow at him, silently questioning. Jim growled, rubbing at his face. The pain lancing through Spock's katra eased, and finally he was capable of an easy breath. Something akin to amusement bubbled up through the walls of their shared connection, something strange to Spock.
"Can you help?" Jim murmured through his hands.
"Possibly." Spock considered also that he could do more harm than good.
Jim had made up his mind, though, shifting his chair so they sat facing each other, knees bumping slightly. "I know I'm asking a lot, but please. I don't know how to handle this."
Spock nodded, placing his hand on the side of Jim's face. In seconds he was plunged into Jim's katra, the shield between them tearing easily. His bond to Jim was strong, a soft point in both of their katras. It was soothing, but Jim did not need simply soothing contact. Spock allowed their katras to wash over each other.
He connected immediately, with the poison there. He could feel the sick darkness that injured his soul. And the burning, torn place where his connection to his brother once stood. He could feel, too, that it had never properly healed, never truly scarred, still ragged and fresh. It cut at his own katra, seeped darkness into him, poison. But Spock knew, from experience he knew the greatest salve of a human soul. He knew from his contact with his own mother's mind. Spock soothed his katra along Jim's, allowed this wound to dig into him until it was wrapped deep in his katra.
Like soft, fluttering kisses placed on the sleeping eyes of a child, Spock brushed his katra to Jim's. Jim shied away, at first, from the soothing touch, but Spock was steadfast. Finally Jim eased, allowing Spock to heal the damage. It was such a human way that Spock handled him, so undeniable.
Spock finally pulled away, when he was sure he could offer no more assistance.
Jim was staring at him, eyes again their natural cobalt. "You didn't heal it."
"No. I should think it is not that simple." Spock instructed.
Jim frowned. "I don't get it."
Spock leaned back a bit, lowering his eyebrows ever so slightly. "I can not heal a broken bond, Jim. I can only offer salve and bandage as well as I can. There are no regenerators for the katra Jim, no devices that can simply close a wound with no trace."
"Oh." Jim rubbed at the back of his neck. "Is...if I didn't do anything...would it feel like the connection to your mother?"
Spock snapped his spine straight, staring at Jim, his mouth a thin line. Jim winced, pushing himself lower in his seat.
"I didn't mean to pry." Jim apologized. "I couldn't help but feel it, and know what it was. It's...dark."
Spock glanced away. "Indeed."
Jim shifted awkwardly. "Uh...want to go through the rest of these with me? I'm not sure I want to watch Pike's video alone."
Spock raised an eyebrow, aware of the immediate change of conversation. "Very well Captain."
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Second chapter! And just about as long as the first. Writing these long chapters is crazy, but fun. That said, it might take a little while to keep up. No more than two weeks between chapter though, I think.