Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen

A Collaborative Effort

Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, most unfortunately (not), KFC, Miley Cyrus, "The Cha-Cha Slide", Michael Jackson, Walmart, "The Young and the Restless", or a Porsche, most unfortunately. We do, however, own Dsme.

Previously...

Alice: So. Justin Bieber. Hulk. Biscuit. What's our plan?

Edward: There is no plan.

Alice: Oh

Chapter 2:

Emmett: Well, we gotta have a plan!

Alice: And what would that be, Emmett?

Emmett: Let's go to the KFC in my boo-tay!

Alice: You...suck.

Edward: Yes, we all know that. The question is, what does he suck?

Everyone: -giving Emmett weird looks- Ew...

Carlisle: Okay, I know what we can do!

Esme: We're not dressing up as Miley Cyrus and walking down his street until he begs us to have se-

Alice: AHHH!

Esme: -minars with his family. What? They live in Canada.

Emmett: Alice, you just have a problem with the human anatomy in general, don't you?

Alice: *silent*

Emmett: Proved my point.

Carlisle: Emmett, you shouldn't be such an a-

Alice: AHHH!

Carlisle: -pple-faced McSlutter.

Emmett: CUT IT OUT, ALICE!

Alice: -sobbing- I'm sorry! Ever since I walked in on Edward and Jacob in bed, I just can't take it anymore!

Everyone: -staring at Edward- Say WHAT.

Edward: Alice. You SAID you would never SPEAK of it!

Alice: I'm sorry. It slipped...

Edward: Uh-huh. Yeah, just wait until I take you camping-

Alice: Ooh!

Edward: -and as I'm lighting the fire, a lit match will just slip, onto your freakish pixie head-

Esme: Alright, Edward, that's enough!

Alice: O.O

Carlisle: DAY-UM. -strutting around dressed up as Miley Cyrus- I look HOT.

Esme: CARLISLE!

Emmett: To the left. Take it back now, ya'll. One hop this time!

Rosalie: Right foot let's stomp. Left foot let's stomp.

Edward: Hands on your knees, hands on your knees.

Carlisle: AAAWWWWW, YEAAAAAHHHH!

Esme: Wait...wait...wait...just hold up one second.

Emmett: But that's not part of the dance!

Edward: And Michael Jackson didn't bleach his skin.

Carlisle: But he didn't...

Esme: Oookaaay...back to the subject.

Esme2: How the HELL did you get here, Rosalie?

Rosalie: Well, damn, don't I live here?

Carlise: No. You moved into Walmart like a week ago.

Rosalie: Right. I came to get the rest of my stuff.

Emmett: -soap opera music starts- You don't have to do this, Rosalie! I can change!

Rosalie: No, Emmett! I do have to, you had your chance!

Edward: What's happening?

Carlisle: -eating vampire popcorn- Rosalie has filed for a divorce.

Edward: Why?

Esme: -drinking vampire soda- Because he's physically incapable of being Justin Bieber.

Esme2: But doesn't Justin Bieber live in a house?

Emmett: Yeah, I wouldn't expect him to live in a Walmart.

Rosalie: DON'T JUDGE HIM!

Emmett: Baby come back! You can blame it all on me...

Carlisle: *walking in the background* Do...do, do, do, do, do...

**When the Cullen Edition of The Young and the Restless returns**

Alice has disappeared, incognito, to see how long it is before the rest notice. It WILL be along time. But how long?

Emmett wants to finish "The Cha-Cha Slide". Will he succeed?

And WHY are there two Esmes.

**And we're back.**

Esme: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, m-

Esme2 AKA Dsme: All you like to do is-

Emmett: PARTAYYY!

Carlisle: WHY. THE. HELL. IS. THERE. TWO. ESMES!

Dsme: It's Dsme, bitch...

Edward: Rosalie! Stop rubbing me with that pot plant! It's going to give me rabies!

Rosalie: Do you THINK I care? The hobo down the street said that if I rub you with the magical plant a beanstalk will grow and there'll be a whole bunch of gold up there!

Edward: How much did you pay for it?

Rosalie: I didn't. I gave the hobo Alice's Porsche...

Edward: YOU TRADED A PORSCHE TO A HOBO FOR A SO-CALLED "MAGICAL POT PLANT"?

Rosalie: Yep...

Edward: You're a DIPSHIT.

Rosalie: MOM!

Esme & Dsme: Yes?

Rosalie: Edward called me a bad name.

Esme: Edward!

Dsme: He called you a dipshit? That's not a name, honey, it's a fact.

Emmett: So true.

Rosalie: Emmett!

Emmett: What? We're getting divorced; I'm obligated to be mean to you now. DUH. Have you ever even seen this show?

Carlisle:...

Edward: Carlisle. That's your cue.

Carlisle: Oh, is it? Man, I'm sorry, I was thinking about how hot I look. Okay, um...Hey. where's Alice?

Dsme: Dude, you're like five pages ahead!

Emmett: -shaking head-

Carlisle: Uh...uh...

CarlTheDirector: CUT! Carlisle, my office, NOW!

Rosalie: OOOH.

**And, SCENE.**