Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen
A Collaborative Effort
Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, most unfortunately (not), Alex Russo/Selena Gomez, Dr. Phil, Tyra, 1-800-94-SMILE, Miss Piggy, a Porsche, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana that one song, or the Potty Dance. We do own: Dsme, CarlTheDirector, HoboInAlice'sPorsche, and Mexican Mini-Mart Lady. (We really don't know what the name of the song is. -shrug- We just don't own it.)
Previously...
Dsme: Dude, you're like five pages ahead!
Emmett: -shaking head-
Carlisle: Uh...uh...
CarlTheDirector: CUT! Carlisle, my office, NOW!
Rosalie: OOOH.
Chapter 3:
Emmett: You know what? I think Carl is just jealous because Carlisle gets to have an island on the end of HIS name.
Esme: That island is mine, dipshit.
Emmett: Well, damn. I lost that board game.
-Flash-
*All you see is Carl yelling at Carlisland and hitting him on the head with a script*
CarlTheDirector: -sighs- ACTION.
Carlisle: -sobbing- Well, wh-who can blame you, Emmett. Rosalie wasn't here the first season.
Emmett: You're right. Fine then, just take your inflatable dolphin and leave, Rose!
Rosalie: Don't call me that!
Emmett: Oh, what else am I supposed to call you? Dumb, slutty bitch?
*AUDIENCE OOOOOHS*
Rosalie: You BASTARD! -hits Emmett with inflatble dolphin-
Esme: Way to be harsh, Emmett.
Emmett: I don't see what the big deal is.
Dsme: Ah, don't mind them. It's their time of the month.
Alice: That explains it.
Edward: Alice is back.
Alice: No, I'm NOT. -disappears-
Carlisle: Phew. That was close.
Edward: Damn it, Alex Russo.
Selena Gomez: For the last time, I AM NOT ALEX RUSSO!
Edward: Round and round, we're never gonna stop going-
Carlisle: Edward, SHUT UP!
Emmett: Where's Jasper?
Dsme: He's probably watching Dr. Phil and trying to keep Bella from stealing his disco-stick.
Esme: No, no. He's done with Dr. Phil's lies. He's moved on to Tyra. And he took Renesmee to Antarctica for lunch. And no one knows or cares where Bella is.
Rosalie: Yum, penguins. Who's this Tyra?
Emmett: For more information, call 1-800-94-SMILE.
Rosalie: I called, but then this Mexican Mini-Mart Lady kept saying, "SHRIMP TACO! SHRIMP TACO!"
Emmett: So what! Maybe Tyra's into Mexican Mini-Mart Ladies who make shrimp tacos!
Rosalie: I doubt that...
Dsme: It's true! I read it on her blog! She does love shrimp tacos.
Alice: Where is my wallet?
Esme: ALICE?
Alice: No, it's Miss Piggy in disguise.
Esme: Oh, well then...continue, I guess...
Carlisle: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SOCK!
Dsme: How the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not your wife.
Edward: What is that?
*Rosalie is climbing a beanstalk.*
Edward: So I guess it did work.
Rosalie: -shouting through the window- SEE! TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK! HA-HA! HA-HA! HA! HA!
*A big foot comes out of the sky and kicks Rosalie off the beanstalk, and she goes flying.*
Edward: SEE! I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T WORK! HA-HA! HA! HA!
Rosalie: -crumpled on the ground- Owwww...
HoboInAlice'sPorsche: Ya shoulda read the side affects, sugah!
Rosalie: But there wasn't any side affects on it. It was a pot plant.
HoboInAlice'sPorsche: Well, that's just a darn shame now, isn't it? See ya later, toots!
Rosalie: My name is not Toots! Ouch...
Emmett: Well, this sucks. My ex is crippled. Our ratings are going to plummet.
Carlisle: You're right. We should have a special where flying potatoes come back for Rosalie, Alice fries her bikini top, and Edward gets hit with a giant taco!
Emmett: Uh, NO.
Carlisle: Fine...just a suggestion...
Emmett: It was a suggestion no one wanted to hear.
Carlisle: You're an ass.
Emmett: And you're a ho. -wink-
Carlisle: Yeah. but I lost the Hoedown Throwdown to that stupid Miley Cyrus. Or was it Hannah Montana? Ah, they're BOTH stupid.
Selena Gomez: Tell me something I don't know.
Edward: You're in the wrong studio.
Selena Gomez: MAN, why does this keep HAPPENING! -flashes out-
Esme: AHH, A WITCH!
Renesmee: Oh, who cares. I have life changing news. -soap opera music starts- I...I ate...A PENGUIN!
Jasper: She ate the dad. -music cuts off-
Renesmee: But it's okay, because he was gonna leave the mom.
Emmett: Oh, like Rosalie's doing to me, you mean?
Rosalie. Hmph. I believe -hitches up inflatable dolphin- that is my cue to leave.
Carlisle: No shit, it's in the script.
Rosalie: Farewell, family! -leaves-
Edward: What a drama queen.
Dsme: Tell me about it.
Esme: Well, what do you expect, she's dumb. I told her to do the math and she's still working on it, FIVE MONTHS LATER.
*Justin Bieber appears again*
Justin Bieber: Yo, what up, shawties.
Emmett: JUSTIN! Where have you BEEN, baby?
Justin Bieber: Just under a rock. That one girl was there, the one who tried to sell me nonexistent potatoes.
Jasper: ALICE! I'm a-coming for you, sweet potater! -runs through a wall-
Everyone: ... ...
Justin Bieber: Damn, it's cold in here.
Carlisle: I...I...
Esme: Nonono! Carlisle, don't do it, please...
Carlisle: I...
Esme: Crap.
Carlisle: I SAID...HEY! IT'S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME CULLENS IN THE ATMOSPHERE! HEY! IT'S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME CULLENS IN THE ATMOSPHERE!
Justin Bieber: Ohweeoweeoh! Ice, ice, ice! Ohweeoweeoh! Ice, ice, ice!
Renesmee: *suddenly in deejay outfit with turntables* BREAK IT DOWN, NOW!
Emmett: -beatboxing- Go, Edward! Go, Edward!
*Edward is breakdancing wildly in the middle of a circle*
Carlisle: Oh, yeah! Get it!
Renesmee: Uh-huh, oh yeah! -doing the sexy grandma-
Esme: What time is it?
Dsme: It's T-shirt party time, beeyotch!
Renesmee: Do the -clap, clap- POTTY DANCE!
Emmett: Toes, waist, celebrate!
*Edward disappears then comes back wearing only a shell on his you-know-what*
Bella: Gasp! -has flashback upon seeing Edward-
*FLASHBACK*
Edward: Bella, let's have sex.
Bella: Wait! Wha-
Edward: Shut up and put this over your head.
Bella: But why d-
Edward: Because if I look at your face I might not have the strength.
Bella: Are you calling me u-
Edward: Ugly, yes. Now put the bag over your head so you can get screwed by a super-cool vampire.
Bella: And if I don't...?
Edward: Well, that's your problem, but no bag, no sex.
Bella: But why are you making-
Edward: Okay, weren't you the one who wanted to have sex?
Bella: Yeah, but w-
Edward: You pervert.
*END FLASHBACK*
Emmett: Damn, Bella, way to take up the whole damn script.
Bella: Edward's the one who has a problem screwing ugly chicks.
Edward: EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD has that problem, dumbass.
Dsme: You could've just turned her on her stomach or something.
Renesmee. -_- As if he's that creative.
Justin Bieber: Psh, I would know.
Carlisle: DAY-UM, Edward! First Jacob, now Justin Bieber! Is Jasper next?
Edward: Bitch, Jasper was FIRST.