Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen
A Collaborative Effort
Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, Elmo, Jesse McCartney, Disneyland, Shamwow, Robot Chicken, Miss Piggy, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Sandy Cheeks, Kermit, Jermaine Dupri, man boobs, or Miracle Whip, most unfortunately. We do own: Dsme, various types of dishrags, the definition of numb-nut, ShamwowGuy, property in Tacoland, A.I.D.S. R Us, and an Alice costume, one size fits all.
Previously…
Dsme: You could've just turned her on her stomach or something.
Renesmee. -_- As if he's that creative.
Justin Bieber: Psh, I would know.
Carlisle: DAY-UM, Edward! First Jacob, now Justin Bieber! Is Jasper next?
Edward: Bitch, Jasper was FIRST.
Chapter 4:
Emmett: Guys, don'cha think maybe we should change our rating? Since Edward insists on being such a manwhore?
Esme: No. We're on Season TWO. New seasons are every twenty years. So, logically, if there's any five-year-olds watching this, they've been with us since 1991.
Bella: Yeah, otherwise it's totally impossible to follow this show.
Dsme: It's pretty damn impossible to follow any soap opera.
Justin Bieber: This is a soap opera?
Dsme: No, Justin, it's a dishrag.
Justin Bieber: Alright!
Dsme: You're a dumbass.
Justin Bieber: All of America already knows that, genius. And you're the dumbass that can't tell the difference between a soap opera and a dishrag!
Dsme: It's called sarcasm, numb-nut.
Emmett: What's a numb-nut?
Renesmee: It's when a hobo smacks Elmo with a hammer until Jesse McCartney licks a shoe he found at Disneyland. Duh.
Carlisle: No. I think it's type of dishrag.
ShamwowGuy: Wow!
Carlisle: What?
ShamwowGuy: Just look at that! Just one sham wow and that whole dumpster full of water is gone!
Dsme: Wow…
ShamwowGuy: I know right!
Esme: Robot chicken status.
Carlisle: No, robot chicken skillet status.
Renesmee: No, robot chicken skillet deodorant boloney status.
ShamwowGuy: God, what is it with this house! My butt itches.
Alice: Guess we're all immune to that over here.
Esme: ALICE!
Alice: No, it's Miss Piggy, dammit!
Justin Bieber: Yo, Miss Piggy, long time, no see, home-dawg!
Alice: 'Ey, what up, JB, how's it crackin'?
Justin Bieber: Ah, you know how it is!
Alice: Yes I do, yes I do. -nods gangsta style-
Emmett: Can I have a gangsta line?
Bella: No.
Emmett: Are you the boss?
Bella: Yes.
Emmett: Are you sure?
Bella: Maybe.
Rosalie: -whispering to Renesmee: See, this is why you don't snort cocaine.
Renesmee: Day-um, mah mamma is a COKE-WHORE.
Emmett: Even Renesmee gets a gangsta line? This is so uncool.
Esme: -to Renesmee- Only because she hangs out with Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.
Bella: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BEST FRIENDS?
Carlisle: NOTHING!
Bella: Oh. … Okay.
Dsme: AH! What the fuck! Rosalie's back again!
Edward: Hell yeah! Woo-hoo!
Emmett: Why are you so happy?
Edward: I finally got a line!
Emmett: Would you like a medal?
Edward: Yes, please.
Emmett: -gives Edward medal that reads: Best Corn Dog In Show- There you go.
Justin Bieber: Okay, hold up, none of this is making sense anymore!
Alice: Of course not. Have you ever seen this show?
Justin Bieber: No! And WHY do you keep popping up everywhere? Your boyfriend was just LOOKING for you!
Alice: My boyfriend? Mr. Speaks Like Sandy Cheeks?
Justin Bieber: -waves corn dog as a yes-
Alice: Oh, you still think I'm Alice!
Carlisle: You mean, -soap opera music starts- you're NOT my daughter?
Alice: -music cuts off- Hell, no.
Carlisle: THEN WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!
Dsme: It's Miss Piggy, bitch.
Miss Piggy: -pulls of Alice mask- DUH.
Bella: I KNEW it.
Miss Piggy: No SHIT, I only said it, like, FIVE TIMES.
Bella: Where's Kermit?
Miss Piggy: He went on a shopping spree with Jermaine Dupri at A.I.D.S R Us.
Justin Bieber: Well, that makes total sense. Tell 'im I said hi.
Miss Piggy: Sure thing. Imma go get a burrito first, though. -skips off-
Edward: Man…I didn't get a hug.
Justin Bieber: Sorry, but she's just not that into it.
Edward: -_- -smacks Justin with a pogo stick-
Carlisle; Miss Piggy is a deceiving little bitch.
Emmett: Quit talking to the camera!
Carlisle: I'm just letting the kids know!
Esme: And don't do drugs you find in the street.
Dsme: Isn't it just 'don't do drugs'?
Everyone: … HAHAHAHAHA!
Bella: Ahaha, that's just silly!
Esme: Since when have YOU been logical, Dsme?
Dsme: Oh, since Jacob texted me that sexy picture of him and Edward.
Everyone: -looks at Edward strangely-
Emmett: Yeah, dude, you really need to explain that now, before Bella; leaves you and Tacoland is taken over by midgets. They already rule reality TV, don't let them take TACOLAND, too!
Edward: Okay, for the sake of normal height people. So, what happened is, my llama ate a cheesecake then it barfed all over Jacob's shirt and then, he took off his shirt, and I was like YOU HAVE MAN BOOBS! and he was like nouuh getingbro1nzopile lopizo, and I was like, I don't understand you, you stupid bitch, and then we got drunk and started taking gay pics!
Dsme: You finished?
Edward: Yeah…
Esme: Thank God for miracles.
Emmett: Miracle Whip. I love it, my wife hates it. And now we're getting divorced!
Dsme: Hey, Emmett, guess what?
Emmett: -hopeful- What?
Dsme: Nobody gives a shiz.
Emmett: You suc-
Alice: AHHH!
Emmett: Give it a rest, Alice.
Edward: Yeah, it's not our fault you don't get what loud moaning means.
Emmett: Man, I try to do some advertising, and ya'll go crazy.
Alice: AHHH!
Emmett: How the HELL did you find that sexual!
Alice: Not that! I just wanted to remind you guys that I'm back.
Carlisle: I FOUND ALICE!
Alice: Oh no you didn't!
*Alice comes out of Alice costume and then the real Alice morphs into a water buffalo*
Carlisle: Aw, shit. The real one's a water buffalo, and now all we have are costumes. -stares at ripped Alice costume sadly-
Edward: Obviously people think it's the duesy to dress up as Alice.
Carlisle: Poor Jasper is still looking for her.
Esme: Yeah, but you know how he only looks under small rocks and behind trashcans.
Everyone: True, true.