Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen
A Collaborative Effort
Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, Miss Piggy, the "Cha-Cha Slide", George Clooney, "Surfin' USA", Teletubbies, The Lochness Monster, or Harry Potter, most unfortunately. We do, however, own GameShowHost, Dsme and Darlisle Buttsicle, CrazyOldMan, Mango Central, The Yasmin, and Bonquiqui.
(It's gonna be a hot ride tonight. No, that doesn't even make sense. But, hey. Whatever. Hot ride.)
Previously...
Edward: Obviously people think it's the duesy to dress up as Alice.
Carlisle: Poor Jasper is still looking for her.
Esme: Yeah, but you know how he only looks under small rocks and behind trashcans.
Everyone: True, true.
Chapter 5:
*Meanwhile...*
Jasper: ALICE! WHERE ARE YOU! Are you under here? -checks under rock- How 'bout here? -checks under pebble- Behind this? -peers under trash can- OH! I know! REEDDD ROBIN!
MuffledVoice: Yum!
Jasper: Alice?
MuffledVoice: Uhhh...NO. It's...Miss Piggy?...
Jasper: -picks up boulder, throws it over his shoulder, and looks under- AHHH!
JustinBieber: Hey. I totally ditched your family like two and a half pages ago. No one noticed.
Jasper: But WHY are you NAKED?
JustinBieber: -looks down- You know...I have no idea. But your girlfriend likes it.
*Alice comes out wearing a banana suit and a hula skirt*
Jasper: ALICE!
Alice: -gasps- Oh no! -morphs into a water buffalo*
Jasper: Damn that Alice.
Alice: *water buffalo language* ooooooooooooo. oooooooooooo.
Jasper: But why didn't you tell me?
Alice: oooooooo.
Jasper: Whatever you want, baby. -starts to walk away- Hey, do you want a side of fries?
Alice: ooooooo.
Jasper: Oh, sorry, I forgot about that. When you get back home we'll go to the store and buy some real potatoes, honey.
Alice: ooooooooo.
*everyone pops up out of nowhere*
Edward: Okay! This is getting out of hand. I don't know if my brain can handle this much fruitiness.
Alice: oooooooooo.
Edward: ooooooooo.
Alice: oooooooo.
Edward: -gets hit in the head with a brick- Ouch!
Dsme: Score!
Carlisle: Ten points!
GameShowHost: -game show music starts- You've won $10,000!
Edward: For HITTING me in the goddamn HEAD?
GameShowHost: Not you, dummy, Mrs. Esme Cullen!
Dsme: That name is Dsme, bitch, and the last name is Buttsicle.
GameShowHost: Well, congratulations, Dsme Bitch Buttsicle! And we'll see you again for the second round, after this break!
Alice: oooooooo.
Dsme: Oh, shut up! I won that fair and square!
Alice: ooooooo.
Dsme: You can't prove anything!
ALice: ooooooooo.
Dsme: DOn't give me that tone, missy!
Darlisle: Sweetie, why the fuck are you yelling at a water buffalo?
Jasper: What the hell! Why the heck are there two Carlisles?
Darlisle: It's Darlisle, bitch, Dsme's husband.
Jasper: This clonage is getting weird.
Carlisle: Holy fudgenuggets! DARLISLE! My TWIN!
Darlisle: CARLISLE!
Emmett: To the left. Take it back now, ya'll. One hop this time!
Esme: Right foot let's stomp. Left foot let's stomp.
Edward: Hands on your knees, hands on your knees.
Bella: AHHHHH YEAHHHH!
Darlisle: Get funky with it!
Bella: To the left! Take it back now, ya'll!
CrazyOldMan: SHAVING POWDER!
Alice: OOOOOOOOOOO!
CrazyOldMan: SWEATY ARMPITS!
Alice: OOOOOOOOOOOO!
CrazyOldMan: PEANUT-BUTTER!
Alice: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -turns back into Alice-
*Old crazy man walks away.*
Jasper: Well, shit, if that was all you wanted me to say.
Alice: Nah, the old man scared me. He looked like George Clooney.
Jasper: That's special.
Carlisle: I can't believe the sluttier version of me is finally here!
Darlisle: I know, it's a flippin' miracle, eh. -in NY accent-
Emmett: Hmm. He SOUNDS like a male prostitute in New York I once slept with.
Darlisle: Emmett? -soap opera music starts- Emmett McCarty?
Emmett: Gasp! You're THAT Darlisle!
Darlisle: Emmett, where in the world did you go?
Emmett: I just went to Mango Central, and when I got back, you weren't there!
Darlisle: Well, then, that's your fault for not inviting me! I'm married now!
Emmett: So am I!
Bella: -whispering- Didn't Rosalie file for a divorce?
Emmett: Shh!
Edward: As fun as this is, once again we don't know where Justin Bieber is.
Dsme: And Rosalie doesn't know where her butt cream is!
Edward: And I don't know where my calculator is!
Carlisle: And I don't know where my orange went!
Esme: And my underwear keep going missing!
Emmett: It has to be...
Dsme: The BOOGIE MAN!
*Everybody starts running and screaming. *
Alice: Save myself... -morphs into a coffee table and starts rolling down a hill-
Carlisle: Hallabonga!
*Everybody breaks out in beach dance.*
Carlise: Uh! -pushing his ass into people and items, AKA, doing The Yasmin-
Renesmee: I've been gone for three hours and Aunty Alice is a coffee table, my grandfather is hitting inanimate objects with his ass, and the rest of my family is beach dancing. Maybe I should have stayed at Target.
Bella: If everybody had an ocean, across the USA! Then everybody'd be SURFIN', like CA-LI-FOR-NY-AY!
Edward: We're in Washington, you dumb bitch!
Bella: SHUT THE HELL UP!
Renesmee: Dad, Mom's not a dumb bitch. -muttering- She's much worse than that...
Everyone: YES SHE IS!
Bella: Hurtful... Thanks, Lochness.
Carlisle: Tut, tut. -shaking head at Renesmee- You are gonna end up just like your mom.
Darlisle: Uhm, isn't it Alice's job to see the future?
Alice: I see the world, taken over by hobos from London.
Esme: Congratulations, Carlisle, you're gonna be king of the world.
Carlisle: REALLY?
GameShowHost: -game show music starts- Are you a hobo from London?
Carlisle: Yeah...
GameShowHost: Well, you just won the world!
Carlisle: WHAT!
Alice: Oh no! The Teletubbies are rebelling!
Emmett: Throw those fuckers out the window!
Darlisle: Aw, but I was about to watch the little boy play with the bubbles.
Esme: Bubbles, shmubbles, who gives a shit.
Alice: Apparently, it's Darlisle's favorite hobby.
Dsme: Yeah, he's kind of...you know...OFF.
Renesmee: Oh, this whole family's like that, don't worry about it.
JustinBieber: -panting hard- Oh...my...GOD! I've been chasing you guys for FOUR PAGES!
Edward: BOO-HOO. You didn't mind moving so much last night.
Jasper: Gasp! Edward! You're cheating on me?
Edward: And Justin. And Jacob. And Harry Potter. And Bonquiqui.