Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen

A Collaborative Effort

Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the Ohio Players or "Funky Worm", Hillshire Farm, or Walmart, most unfortunately. We do, however, own some cheese enchiladas, Garbage Express, Jasper's koala child, RandomGrandma, Fatass Burgers, Fries, Potato, and Grapes, and WienerDog.

Previously…

JustinBieber: -panting hard- Oh…my…GOD! I've been chasing you guys for FOUR PAGES!

Edward: BOO-HOO. You didn't mind moving so much last night.

Jasper: Gasp! Edward! You're cheating on me?

Edward: And Justin. And Jacob. And Harry Potter. And Bonquiqui.

Chapter 6:

Jasper: Well, damn! If you're cheating on me, you might as well eat a cheese enchilada.

Edward: Sorry, babe, I don't eat in-chee-la-das.

Rosalie: HEY!

Carlisle: Mah home-skillet biscuits in the hizzouse!

Bella: POTATO FARMS IN IOWA!

Rosalie: Wha-

Bella: PREGNANT BOAR GIVES BIRTH TO WORLD'S LARGEST KOALA!

Carlisle: Are yo-

Bella: YOU TALKIN' TO ME? ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

Esme: No, we're talking to the wall.

Bella: Really, idiot, I don't see a wall anywhere.

Esme: That's because it's in Emmett's ass, numbnut.

Renesmee: I don't need to explain the numbnut situation to anyone again, do I?

Everyone: … … … …

Renesmee: No? Good.

Rosalie: So, I was walking down the street, right?

Everyone: Right.

Rosalie: Then this very suave hobo gave me this perfume called Garbage Express. YUP.

Bella: Nice story, Rosy.

Carlisle: What the hell was the point of that story?

Rosalie: What was the point of your training bra?

Carlisle: -looks offended- I like the way they smell…

Esme: Well, I have a story, too…

Rosalie: Yeah. The only difference is that nobody cares.

Emmett: *bursts through the wall with a blanket and teddy bear* OH! OH! I WANNA HEAR!

Esme: So once upon a time-

Jasper: BOOTS! PICKLES! KNIVES! SHOES!

Esme: -there was a-

Rosalie: YOU TOUCH MY BUTT, I'LL EAT YO-!

Esme: LITTLE GIRL WHO-

Edward: EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY, I FALL, WITHOUT-

Esme: LIKED PICKLES-!

Carlisle: -screams in some unknown African language-

Esme: WILL EVERYBODY SHUT THE F%$K UP!

Jasper: Esme, why'd you censor f%$k? F%$K!

Esme: That wasn't me.

Rosalie: I think it was Carl.

Emmett: THIS MEANS WAR! -brings out machete-

Jasper: A big stick. I'm SO SCARED.

Bella: Yo.

Jasper: AHHHHHH!

Carlisle: It's MY TURN, bitches!

Everyone: … … … …

Renesmee: Go ahead, skank.

Carlisle: Soooo…..this is a story all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down, and I'd like to take a moment just sit right there-

Rosalie: WAIT A MINUTE! I've seen this episode. -hits remote- -slaps Carlisle- MOM! The dipshit's broken!

Esme: THEN GO FIX IT.

Rosalie: I CAN'T, I'M STILL DOING THE MATH LIKE YOU SAID, DAMN IT!

Bella: Still? Bitch, I had a kid in the time it's taking you to do first-grade math.

Jasper: So did I!

Everyone: o_O say what.

Jasper: Yup. -holds up baby koala- It's a boy.

Emmett: You're the pregnant boar we saw on the dipshit?

Jasper: Really convincing costume, huh?

Emmett: This family is so damn corrupt. What else happened?

Rosalie: Well…the tuna fish ate a tuna salad.

Emmett: CANNIBAL!

Rosalie: Nah, it's his obsessive fetish for exotic salads.

Jasper: Tuna salad is not exotic, Sherlock.

Rosalie: This is a soap opera? I never knew.

JustinBieber: NEVER. SAY. NEVER!

Carlisle: Never.

JustinBieber: Bitch! -melts into puddle-

Renesmee: Noo! Carlisle! What have you DONE? -sobs hysterically-

Esme: Don't tell me you actually liked him.

Renesmee: No, but…*sniff*…I was gonna have him for dinner…

Esme: Psh, fuck Dustin Beaver, you have Black Jack, don't you?

Carlisle: Hey. When Bieber Boy said 'never' he didn't melt. So when I said 'never', why did he decide to melt?

Jasper: It's some kind of syndrome-STD-thingy he got from Edward, I bet.

Emmett: But you slept with Edward, too! That means you should have it, right?

Carlisle: Oh! Let's try! Okay… -clears throat- Ready?

Jasper: Yup. -puts koala on floor-

Carlisle: Never.

Everyone: … … … …

Bella: Nothing.

Rosalie: Just like when you and Edward have sex!

Everyone: OOOOOHH!

Bella: Shut up, Rosalie! Emmett doesn't even enjoy your blowjobs anymore and you WONDER WHY YOUR LIPS ARE CHAPPED, HUH?

Everyone: O.O OOOOOHH!

Rosalie: Really, whore? You wanna get down? 'Cause I just KNOW you'll do that with JUST ABOUT ANYONE.

Everyone: OOOOHHHHHH!

Renesmee: No, she did NOT! Kick her ass, mom!

*furious bitch-fight follows*

Bella: Grrrrrr, WOOF-WOOF!

Rosalie: BOW-WOW, BOW-WOW!

Jasper: This reminds me of the fight Leah and Emily had over Sam.

Emmett: Yeah, except there was whipped cream in that one.

Rosalie: You wanna piece of this, slut? -brings out can of whipped cream-

Bella: No, but I do wanna piece of this! -pulls out piece of cake-

Edward: Nasty old lady.

Bella: Excuse me?

Edward: You heard me.

Bella: No, actually I didn't.

Edward: -licks Bella's cheek-

Bella: Umm, this is kind of an invasion of my personal space!

Edward: -lifts up Bella's arm and licks up under her armpit-

Bella: Is this your idea of intimacy?

Edward: -pulls Bella's shirt up and licks her back-

Bella: Okay, this is getting really weird.

Rosalie: Oh, what the heck! -sprays whipped cream in her hair-

Renesmee: -sniffing the floor-

Carlisle: Me and the Ohio Players are gonna tell you about a worm.

OhioPlayers: He's the funkiest worm in the world.

RandomGrandma: Okay. Sing it fellas!

Carlisle and OhioPlayers: There's a worm in the ground-

Jasper: No, it's an acorn you dumbass.

Carlisle: I should have known. -fires Ohio Players- -walks out-

OhioPlayers: Damn, we haven't had a gig since 1962.

RandomGrandma: -walks up to Dsme- Umm…I'd like to order a Fatass Burger with a side of Fatass Fries.

Dsme: Alice, I think someone wants to order food.

Alice: Sorry, we don't serve Fatass Burgers or Fatass Fries, only Fatass Potatoes.

Edward: Care to explain why Fatass is in front of everything?

Alice: Because I renamed my restaurant Fatass Potato.

Edward: Why not just fat?

Alice: Because then thousands of American's asses would feel left out.

Bella: *sarcastic* And we wouldn't want THAT to happen.

Edward: We really wouldn't. It could result in mass-ass suicide.

Carlisle: All because Alice renamed her restaurant even though she still has a grand total of zero potatoes.

Alice: That's complete bullshit. It's three grapes now.

Carlisle: But still no potatoes.

Alice: What are you trying to say?

Carlisle: That your theory makes less sense than a cow in a kangaroo's pouch in the middle of the highway.

Alice: Carlisle, do you own Fatass Potato?

Carlisle: No…

Alice: Then you legally have no right to tell me it makes less sense than a cow in a kangaroo's pouch in the middle of the highway, which is actually a sight quite common in the depths of Tacoland.

Everyone: OOOHH!

Carlisle: But we aren't in Tacoland, are we?

Everyone: OOOHHHHH!

Alice: LOOK AROUND, OLD MAN!

Carlisle: Oh, fuck! When did we get HERE?

Emmett: We won a vacation.

Bella: Yeah. Me and Emmett showed off our ho skills.

Edward: I knew buying Carlisle's tape was a good idea.

Emmett: You just got OUT-HOED!

Carlisle: Emmett, stop being a douche-nozzle.

Bella: What the hell is a douche-nozzle?

Renesmee: All right. I got it. Douche-nozzle: Noun, meaning: a cowboy in New York eating a lizard whose mother is a stripper.

Bella: Well, that sounds kinky.

Emmett: And how is that kinky?

Alice: AHHHHH!

Rosalie: You are so late.

Alice: NO! Business is booming!

Jasper: How the fuck is that even possible?

WienerDog: I'd like to order a Fatass Grape.

Alice: Sure thing, random Wiener Dog! That'll be $6,000.

WienerDog: How affordable. -pays Alice- -walks away-

(Plus tax. We can't forget tax.)