My lip quivered. I could tell the lady doing my makeup was getting pissed off at me, but she was being nice and understanding. This was my first performance in front of more than just a hundred, or more, people.
"Brige... I'm so scared."
Brigette grabbed my hand and gave it a little squeeze. She would have done more, but we were in dressing and makeup. There was very little we could do right now. The show was to start in twenty-five minutes. I watched myself in the large vanity mirror in front of me. Little by little I got more and more dolled up. I looked like a hooker. A classy hooker, though. Burlesque queen, that's how they like to refer to us.
I'm trying my best to not be bothered by many things. I woke up being more irritable than normal, I'm usually a really down-to-earth person. The pains I've been having are horrible today. Around two in the morning I woke up due to stomach pains. They way your stomach gets when you haven't eaten in quite a bit of time. Not just grumbling hunger pains, but to the point it feels like someone is squeezing your stomach on the inside. It hurt. I thought I was hungry, so I got up to find something to eat. All of a sudden I wasn't hungry anymore, and the second I sat up in bed my spine felt like it was being crushed.
I have cramps right now. I feel like vomiting. My hands are starting to get clammy. I can't tell if I'm sweating or not. I'm convinced it's just nerves getting to me. I don't understand it, though, I've never been this shaken up in front of large crowds.
I have to do it.
The girls finished our makeup and we had to walk around to get dressed. I was only in this flashy push-up bra and bloomers. We had to go get our outfits and then our hair done. You'd think they would have given this stuff a lot more time, but it's unbelievable how fast these people work around here.
Brigette got up and lead me; she always seems to know where she's going. The pervert crew members backstage gave us sexual looks and glances. A couple whistles came our way, too. Another thing about being in this industry, you have to be confident and comfortable with everything, accept this shit, fight, and do whatever it takes.
I slowed down a lot compared to how Brigette was walking. Once she noticed she turned around quickly. I grabbed my lower abdomen, curled over slightly and cringed hard.
"You okay, baby girl?" She hurried over to me, placing a hand on my back, and leaning down to look at my face.
I stood up, acting as if nothing happened, "Yeah, I just have a sick stomach. It's just nerves, Brige, don't worry." I smiled, trying to hide the fact that I am in a lot of pain.
It didn't take us long to gather up our outfits before we were walking again to get our hair done.
Not long after that either, we were behind the curtain, waiting to be cued on stage. I was chewing a piece of really minty gum quietly to myself. I really wasn't supposed to have it, now there's no trash and I'm going to have to swallow it. The reason I'm chewing it is because I threw up in my mouth not long ago. It wasn't like normal vomit either. I didn't eat much today. The food that came back up didn't taste like it had even started being digested at all. My stomach and back were killing me. Even worse, I felt wet for some reason. I had checked myself a little bit ago. No blood or fluid. But I felt bubbly like it was that time of the month. I fidgeted and lightly bounced on my high heels to try to shake the thought of all the pain.
One of the stage operators said, "Go" and we were off on stage. I forced the gum down my throat. My mouth was really dry, even though I was chewing the gum. I felt like it was stuck. I put on my best performing smile, sucked everything up and went out on stage.
Everything was going fine and I completely let everything wrap me up. My spirit took over like it normally does when I dance. I remembered our routine perfectly.
It was like nothing was there. It still didn't feel right. The lights were blinding me. I felt like my body was moving like a glitch in a video game. All I could see and feel was the heat of the lights. I grew very clammy, and nauseous. I tried my best not to stumble all over as I danced. I think I'm doing okay right now. The big kick is coming up. I'm not even sure if I can lift my leg that high right now.
I did anyway, and right after were a lot of body thrusts. Then my knees just gave out.
"Somebody help her!" was the only thing I remember. I couldn't open my eyes. Everything hurt. My face felt sunken in. I was wet. Sweat, I wasn't sure.
"Hey, Renna. Don't do this to me." A scolding voice came. I knew the voice, but for some really strange reason, I couldn't get a face.
The room was cold. My head was pounding. My eyelids were sealed shut. I tried to lift a hand, but I couldn't, and it was almost lifeless. I tipped my head from side to side very slowly to try to shake my eyes open.
I was in a hospital room.
There was a sofa on the far wall across from me. Brendon and Brigette lay sprawled together on it. To my left was Ryan in a chair, his head resting on his folded arms on the edge of my bed.
I shook him lightly. He sat up instantly.
"Oh God..." He fumbled around and picked up a phone that was next to me on a stand. He only pushed one button, not long someone picked up. "She's awake." was the only thing he said and hung up.
Ryan slid over to me and enveloped me in his arms. I was wrapped tightly in his hold. He kissed my neck gently and twisted his fingers in my hair.
"I'm so glad you're alright..." He whispered in my ear before kissing my neck and jaw a few more times.
A nurse and a doctor came in. The nurse had a plastic bag with her; the doctor, a clipboard.
"Here's your things, dear." The nurse was short, tan skin, and very plump. She smiled sweetly at me, yet very sympathetically before exiting the room.
"Here's a couple prescriptions; vicodin and motrin, do not be afraid to take them for any pain. I recommend getting them filled immediately. You can leave when you get dressed, just check out." He spoke very bluntly. Almost rude. I don't even know why I'm here.
I just kind of looked at him with a confused and disgusted face.
"Miss Moss... you lost your baby." He bowed his head in shame.
You'd think more of a reaction would come from me, but the truth is, none of it hit me that fast. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.
As soon as he broke the air with that, he up and left.
I looked over to Ryan, expecting him to tell me I'm dreaming, or something. Expecting him to call the doctor a heartless liar. His normally baby face looked more grown and serious this almost looked old. Bags were under his eyes, and he had shadow scruff. His cheeks were red and stained. A few loose tears strolled down his face. His eyes were glazed over. And I knew his eyes weren't lying to me.
Ryan had to help me steady to get dressed. Brigette and Brendon rode back to my apartment with us. All I wanted to do was sleep, but dying sounded better.
At my place, all three of them helped me into bed. Brigette told me she would stay around home today in case I needed her. Ryan said the same. I snuggled into my blankets. I was so sore and it's almost as if the life was completely sucked out of me. I felt so alone and cold. Brendon sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from me. I looked at all the belongings Ryan bought me. Still new.
My baby would never be able to use them. I would never be able to rock my baby in the rocking chair. Read him, or her, to sleep. Sing to my baby. My baby would never use it's crib. The scene and atmosphere was so happy when Ryan first presented it to me, now it's just dull, depressing, and lifeless.
Ryan came in, "Is there anything you need, Ren?"
"Get it out. Get it all out." I snapped quietly.
"Okay..." his voice feigned hurt.
I quietly began sobbing to myself, careful not to let Brendon hear. Soon I couldn't hold it back and the tears wouldn't stop. I sniffled, coughed, and choked on my saliva.
I felt Brendon lay down next to me. He cuddled up to my backside and pulled me close.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Brendon asked in a low tone.
"I would have been a good mommy..." I choked out.
He brushed a few stray hairs away from my face and delicately kissed my cheek, "Of course... I know. You would have been an amazing mother. Everyone knows that. Things are going to be alright, Renna." He whispered, his breath tickled my earlobe. "I'm not going anywhere, either."