Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again.

We made our way to the beach, and we sat on the sand as I struggled the key inside the diary. It opened.

"I don't know where to start", I said looking at Jacob. He grabbed the diary from me and skimmed through it.

"It looks she been writing in it forever", he said looking through it. "April 1933, is where she starts, I guess you are going to have to read all of it", he said as he handed it back to me. I looked down at it. It was a baby blue diary, with Victorian style lace around the border, it felt like satin. I took a deep breath and begin to read it out loud.

"April 28, 1933

Dear Diary,

Esme had given me you just a few moments ago. My transformation ended three days ago, and the word vampire, is still lingering in my head. Edward and Carlisle are out hunting so I decided I should start you now,

otherwise Edward would hear everything. It is also why I will only write in it when he is not here. Speaking of my "brother", Edward Cullen, I seriously dislike him. The way he said my name and acted when I was being

turned, just reminded me of Royce. God, every time I think or say the name Royce I want to vomit. I don't blame Edward though, deep down I knew no one would look at me the same after that night, why would

Edward be any different. Edward said that wasn't it, but that's what I feel when he looks at me or says my name, like I'm disgusting. He blames it on my shallowness and vanity. To be honest, I only do that to annoy

him and block my thoughts from him. I could never have but brotherly feelings for him, we could never make it. I don't know why Carlisle and Esme thought I would be for him, he's so arrogant and moody.

I feel so alone and betrayed. Everyone around me had betrayed me. My own parents betrayed me, how could my dad not know Royce wasn't good for me. His father had several mistresses in town, everyone knew and

I'm sure some visited him at the bank where my father worked. All my parents thought about were money and status. They saw me not as their daughter, but there future financial supporter. They probably would have

made me marry him anyway after what he did to me. I feel like I can never wash him off of me, all 5 of them off of me. I guess when I look at it now, I was always alone and no one ever really cared about the real me.

The idea of me and my beauty is what people saw and wanted from me. My mother always praised my beauty, and she is the one that made me vain and shallow. When all your life you are told by those around you how

beautiful you are, what to say, and what to wear, you get used to being that person for it is all you know who to be. Who knew that my beauty would be my fate. I know Edward gets mad when I keep thinking about that

night, but somehow I can't get over it. Each time I think about it, the clearer it gets. The blouse being ripped and the buttons falling all over the place on the street, the punches and kicks to my face and stomach. The

ripping of my skirt and panties. The first one inside me, the second one, the third one who slammed me against the brick wall, where he entered me from behind. The fourth one who threw me to the ground and punched

my face as he did the same as the others. And finally, Royce, my fiancé, and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the last one I saw and the smug look of his. It was the one that hurt the most. Leaving

me in the cold, on the streets were peasants lived and rats hurried along to scavenge for scraps. I can't help but to think if I would have done one little thing differently that night, how my life would have ended up like. I

couldn't help but to think if I would have been well not ugly but normal, that this would of never happened. Now I am a vampire. Where darkness and loneliness go hand in hand. We are doomed for eternity, living in a

secretive world, where we are creatures that drink the blood of animals. It still seems bizarre to think about it. The worse part is no children. The one thing I want most, is the thing I will never get. At this point, death

seemed so much better than this life. How am I supposed to live through eternity, watching all these women with their babies, while I cannot have that because 5 men decided to kill me. I don't know why Carlisle

changed me, why would he want me to live for forever, where I will constantly think about that horrible night. Sitting here at my vanity, everything in this room was in my old room. This place looked like home, but it

wasn't. These people accepted me in their family, but we weren't blood. I had a choice to go my own way, but there is something about them, that I just couldn't leave. As lonely as I felt here, I would have been lonelier

somewhere else. Even though Edward isn't the kindness, Carlisle and Esme seemed to want me here. The REAL me here and that is something, I've never felt before. To be wanted for the real you, and the idea of who

you should be isn't important. Broken and all, they still wanted me here. I guess I should go see what Esme is doing and bond with my new "mother".

I looked up to Jacob, whose eyes were as big as mine. I was stunned and didn't know what to say. How someone well people could do such a heinous act. I mean I've seen movies and TV and I hear about it in the news and newspapers, but to have it happen to someone I love. My Aunt Rosalie. The woman who took care of me and always volunteered to baby sit or would do absolutely anything for me.

"Wow….I…..wow…." was all Jacob could say. I kept thinking about it, feeling pain and hurt and confusion on how people could do such a thing. I felt the water building in my eyes and cried on Jake's shoulder. He rubbed my back.

"It's okay Nessie, she's fine now, and it was a long time ago. She has a better family now", he said understanding. I let go of him and wiped my tears.

"Your right, but all she wants is a baby Jake, no one knows how she is when she is with me, and you guys don't really know her maternal instinct. I never knew why she was like that but it makes sense now. It's so unfair" I said tears flowing out of my eyes.

Jacob couldn't say anything; he didn't know what to say. We got up, with Jake taking my hand, and headed back to the mansion. While we were walking, I thought how shocking this was and yet, it made sense. Why she would look at me with admiration, why when I was five and we went to the Grocery store I dropped my hello kitty mini purse and this little boy my age picked it up and gave it to me, and Aunt Rosalie guarded me the entire time. Or when I was wrong, she would get after me, she was just completely different from Aunt Alice and sometimes more motherly than my own mom. Everything began to click. We reached the mansion and I ran up stairs to put it back. I was in the closet kneeling, when I stopped to look at the diary again. Tracing my fingers along the lace, I didn't want to read anymore of it, because I knew now. I knew why she was crying that night, and I knew where my Aunt Rosalie was coming from. I put the diary back, just the way it was. I grabbed some tape from the next room, and taped the key back on the vanity drawer. I looked around the room one last time, as I shut the door. I was coming downstairs, when I heard everyone downstairs; they had come back an hour early. I prayed Jacob wasn't thinking about any of this. I can hear my Dad and Aunt Rosalie arguing over something.

"No! You idiot it didn't even have the enough amount of turbo to win any race" Aunt Rose shouted.

"Oh please Ms. Know-it-all, It had the perfect amount of turbo without pushing it, plus the new Ferrari would have out done both of those Lamborghinis." Dad said in the same tone.

"Well, looks like you kids had fun", I said making my way between Dad and Aunt Rose.

"Yes, Nessie it was great." Aunt Rosalie said smiling at me. I looked down, avoiding eye contact.

"Didn't you guys have a date or something?" Mom asked looking at us. I looked at Jacob.

"Yeah but it didn't turn out the way I wanted so we ended up coming here and playing video games", he said. He was actually quick with response.

"Oh okay well I'll get dinner started for both of you and Jake……Reneesme, have you been crying? She paused looking at me. Everyone rushed to my side.

"Yeah, I was its nothing I was just getting emotional about something, don't worry, everything is fine", I said assuring. No one bought that.

"What's wrong", Dad asked looking at me waiting for a mental conversation. "Nothing, god cant I have some human personal time to myself", I said walking away to the cottage.

I went to the cottage to my room. I lay on my back, with my IPOD blaring in my ear. I couldn't stand to be in there, I couldn't even look at Aunt Rosalie, and I felt so guilty. I closed my eyes listening to my music and then I smelt Jacob in the room. I opened my eyes and he was sitting on the bed, looking at me. I took my earphones out and looked at him.

"Thanks for knocking", I said annoyed.

"I did, you didn't hear me", he said in a defensive attitude.

"Oh sorry", I said sitting up Indian style.

"You okay?" he asked.

I looked down at my quilt, Aunt Alice made for me. It had pictures of me and each of my family members, some of me and Jacob, and individual pictures of everyone. I looked at the One with me and Aunt Rosalie, it was us trying to do those cliché model poses, like the Zoolander Movie but hers actually looked like a real model. . I smiled thinking about when we took it.

"Ness? You Alright?" Jacob said. I looked up at him. " Yeah, I just feel so bad Jake, I can't help but to keep thinking about it, I couldn't even look at her in there", I told him. Jacob grabbed my hand and looked me dead in the eye.

"I know you feel like you betrayed her Ness and maybe we shouldn't have done it, but she is still your Aunt who loves you more than anyone knows. Sometimes I think as much as Emmett". I laughed at that. "But don't look at her differently, it'll her hurt her feelings". I looked him with my eyebrows raised. " Not that I care or anything..", he said knowing that he got caught admitting that he did care for my Aunt Rose just like he did for the others in my family. I smiled.

"Aw, that was touching", I said as I grabbed my heart. We laughed and mom came in to tell us dinner was ready.