This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.

Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

II. The Madness Continues...

Bag End

*Gandalf rushes to the door*

Frodo: Where are you going?

Gandalf: There are some things that I must see to.

Frodo: What things?

Gandalf: Questions. Questions that need answering!

Frodo: But you've only just arrived! I don't understand.

Gandalf: *turns at the door* Neither do I.

Frodo: What is it with wizards? Are you afraid if you start making sense the world will come to an end?

Gandalf: It might! Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

Frodo: *looks at the envelope* I should just not ask. Ever.

Ford of Bruinen

Ringwraith: Give up the Halfling, She-Elf!

Arwen: She-Elf? Oh, perspicacity incarnate!

Rivendell

Gimli strikes the Ring, it breaks. Everyone gathers.

Elrond: *arching eyebrows* Well...glad that's over. Who's up for a long hike?

:: two seconds later ::

*Ring magically reforms*

Gandalf: I knew it!

Elrond: Bugger. Well. You brought this evil here, Frodo, you can get it out of here again. And since you seem to know so much about it, Gandalf, you go with him. And you Aragorn...you'll go with him because you've worn out your welcome. And Boromir will go because he'll annoy you. And Gimli, because he's actually tried to destroy the Ring, which is more than I can say for any of you. Five companions. You shall be-

Sam: Ha! Mister Frodo is not going anywhere without me!

Frodo: *mushy* Oh Sam!

Elrond: *glaring* All right, six-

Pippin: Seven!

Merry: Eight! We're coming too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!

Elrond: Don't tempt me.

Legolas: And an Elf makes nine.

Elrond: Why?

Legolas: Political correctness. 'Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.'

Elrond: Oh yes. All right then. Nine companions. You shall be-

Arwen: *jumping out from the bushes* Daddy!

Elrond: What are you doing here? This is a secret Council.

Arwen: And I'll forgive you for not inviting me, if you let me go too.

Elrond: Why?

Arwen: Like Legs said. Political correctness. In every band of adventurers there has to be one woman.

Aragorn: Legs?

Gandalf: Ten is too much. We'll take a vote. Arwen or Legs- Legolas. I vote for Legolas.

Arwen: Reason?

Gandalf: You can fight with one sword, Legolas with two. And he's a better shot.

Aragorn: I choose Arwen. My love.

Boromir: Legolas. First come, first serve.

Pippin: Arwen. She's beautiful.

Frodo: Arwen. She scores twice on political correctness.

Gimli: Legolas. Gandalf's reason.

Merry: Arwen. Pippin's reason.

Sam: Arwen. Frodo's reason.

Elrond: Then it is decided. Nine companions. You shall be the Fellowship of the Fling.

Aragorn: Ring.

Elrond: That's what I said. Ring.

Aragorn: No, you didn't.

Gandalf: You know, they say a slip of the tongue is really your subconscious talking.

Aragorn: It was NOT a fling, all right?

Elrond: I got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Arwen: Daddy!

Elrond: Uh...Not that you look like a horse, honey.

Aragorn: Arwen...You...It was only a fling to you? No! No! I choose Legolas!

Elrond: Why?

Aragorn: A boy can change his mind, can't he?

Elrond: We have a tie-breaker then. *produces a coin* Heads or tails.

Arwen: Tails.

Elrond: *flips the coin* Heads it is.

Arwen: Dang.

Misty Mountains

Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I know they're not-

Gandalf: Is someone feeling a little overlooked today?

Gimli: Well...

:: *-* ::

Gimli: Gandalf, have you ever thought of braiding your beard?

Gandalf: Split ends.

Legolas: *pressing fists against ears* Make it stop.

Moria

Gimli: Roaring fires! Malt beer! Red meat of the bone!

Legolas: *shudders* Do that again!

Merry: Oh, the rocky paths of interracial bonding.

:: *-* ::

Legolas: Goblins!

Sam: I though it was Orcs. What are goblins then?

Boromir: *shrugs* Ah, Orcs, goblins. Halfwits, Hobbits.

:: *-* ::

Frodo: There's something down there!

Gandalf: Yes, it's Gollum. He's been tracking us for three days.

Frodo: And you didn't mention this why?

Gandalf: I'm a wizard. Irrational behaviour is my perogative.

Frodo: How did I not see that one coming?

Amon Hen

Aragorn: We approach Mordor from the north.

Gimli: Oh yes? Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? An impossible labyrinth of razor-sharp rocks. And after that, it gets even better! The festering, stinking marshlands, far as the eye can see.

Aragorn: Having you been talking to Boromir again?

:: *-* ::