This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.

Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

III. Trinity

Prologue

Galadriel/Narrator: "Much that once was is lost. For none now live, who remember it."

Elrond: Except for us Elves who live forever.

Galadriel/Narrator: "Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings."

Elrond: Who do not indulge in blatant self-promotion.

Galadriel/Narrator: Quiet, halfbreed. "Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls."

Elrond: And their names were Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful-

Galadriel: Do you have to be here?

Elrond: I mean, why seven? Is anyone thinking Snow White here?

Galadriel: I'm sure it's just you.

Elrond: I'm telling you, Sauron's got issues.

Galadriel: Gee, is that why's he's trying to take over the world?

Elrond: He's trying to take over the world?

Galadriel: If some people would just let me tell a story...

Mount Doom

Sauron: Next time...*wheeze*

*Elrond stops fighting and stares up*

Sauron: Come down the mountain...*wheeze*

*Isildur stops fighting and stares up*

Sauron: Then put on the armor!

*Elendil stops fighting and stares up*

Sauron: *leans on mace* Sucker weighs a goddang ton!

:: *-* ::

*Isildur hacks off Sauron's fingers, Sauron evaporates*

Elrond: *incredulous* Wait a minute! Is that all it took? A botched up manicure? I could have done that!

Isildur: *blast flattens Last Alliance* Phew! Someone's been eating beans for a week straight.

:: *-* ::

Isildur: *picks up Sauron's finger with Ring* Aah! Elrond, it burns!

Elrond: *picks up dropped finger* You know, this is still pretty hot. And...ew.

Isildur: What does it say? The Elvish?

Elrond: "One size fits all." Well, I'll just toss this in a fiery chasm, and we'll be on our way.

Isildur: Right. Good plan. So...Is it still hot? Can I feel?

*Elrond gives him the Ring*

Isildur: *taking off* Too easy!

Elrond: *dramatic sigh* Again with the running.

Bag End

Gandalf: *shows Frodo the Ring* Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool.

Frodo: Says the guy with the pair of tongs.

Gandalf: No, really.

Frodo: All right then. *Gandalf drops the Ring in his hand* GYAAAAH!

Gandalf: Frodo!

Frodo: I just saw a giant lidless eyeball!

Gandalf: *relaxes* Oh, that was just Sauron, I saw him too. *tenses* Wait a minute.

Isengard

Saruman: The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is not, my old friend?

Gandalf: That was the idea, but seeing as how you've turned into an evil mastermind and all...

Saruman: I have not. Whatever gave you that impression?

Gandalf: *ticking off fingers* Scary voice. Black tower. Long nails. Bent nose. Beard needs work though.

Saruman: At least I have a look! Unlike some lidless eyeballs who shall remain nameless.

Gandalf: There's no need to get snippy.

:: *-* ::

:: later on in tower ::

Gandalf: Since when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?

Saruman: I beg your pardon?

Gandalf: *yanks Saruman's hands up* Clip-ons?

Saruman: I'll have you know those are real!

Gandalf: You know, it's just a suggestion, but if you're going for the evil wizard look, yellow chipped nails work better than perfectly manicured ones. And I'm not even going to start about the beard bleaching.

Saruman: *pouty* Well, white is my colour. How do grey nails work, anyway?

Gandalf: Leaving now.

Rivendell

Gandalf: By foul craft Saruman has crossed orcs with goblin-men. I say, Elrond, are you all right?

Elrond: Just went to a scary visual place. Carry on.

:: *-* ::

Boromir: What are you doing?

Arwen: What does it look like I'm doing? And don't rattle my chain, all right? You men are going off on your fabulous quest. The girl can stay and be pretty, waiting for her man to return. At least I won't lose my looks meanwhile.

Boromir: From what I heard you give as good as you get. At the Ford?

Arwen: I just waved Daddy's sword around. Big whoop. The river did all the work.

Boromir: Oookay. What's this "waiting for your man"? I thought you and Aragorn broke up.

Arwen: Who said anything about Aragorn?

Boromir: Oh.

Arwen: He's great and all, but no man is worth dying for. Killing for, maybe. But not dying for.

Boromir: That's...uh...That's very poetic. How much of that stuff have you had?

Arwen: I can blow little squares.

Boromir: Neat. Can I have some?

Arwen: Sure. Must be tough, huh? Being the next in line for the Stewardship and then along comes a Ranger who turns out to be the Heir of Isildur!

Boromir: Can we not talk?

Arwen: Touchy subject ey? Oh, hey Legs.

Legolas: Hey, Ari. Boromir.

Boromir: *mouthing* Ari?

Legolas: Watcha doing?

Boromir: Smoking pot. Bilbo's.

Legolas: Ah, good old Bilbo. Haven't seen him since he broke out of my father's prison.

Arwen: Bilbo was in prison? We're housing an ex-con?

Legolas: It was a big misunderstanding. You know, this is pretty good.

Arwen: I know. Look, Legs, I can blow little squares!

Boromir: Not rings?

Arwen: GAAAAH!

Somewhere in Middle-earth

Legolas: What's with the mopey face?

Aragorn: I miss Arwen.

Legolas: You'll be with her soon enough, buddy. Right after Sauron kicks the bucket and you bump the Stewards off the throne and reunite your kigdoms. Your...kingdoms.

Aragorn: We broke up.

Legolas: Oh, I'm sorry.

Aragorn: Are you drunk?

Legolas: Of course not.

Aragorn: Smoked some, did you?

Legolas: *smiling* Old Toby. Finest weed in the South Fart...hing.

Misty Mountains

Galadriel/Narrator: And so, onward and upward the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies on the perilous paths. When they beheld the mighty Caradhras, they reacted with awe.

Fellowship: Aaaawwww.

Galadriel/Narrator: I said awe. A-W-E.

Fellowship: Ooohhh.

Galadriel/Narrator: That's better.

:: *-* ::

*Frodo stumbles back, knocks Aragorn over. They continue rolling down the mountain and turn into a huge snow-ball.*

Gimli: *pensive* Now there's something you don't see every day.

Lothlorien

Deep disembodied voice: Frodo...

Frodo: Yes, Sauron?

Galadriel: It's me, Galadriel.

Frodo: Oh! Pretty good Dark Lord impression.

Galadriel: Wait till you offer me the One Ring.