As I sat in the dining room researching Ashikabi and Sekirei, Troper!Shirou (as he had started to call himself) walked up to me with a grin on his face that I had learned to dread. Since the fight at Osaka Park, he had been staying at the Izumo House with me and the rest of my flock. At the time, he had saved my life and had no money that would work in this dimension, so it seemed like the least I could do was to offer him a place to stay for a while.
I was coming to regret that decision.
"I have a plan!" he exclaimed, a glint of crazy in his eye.
"No! Absolutely not! Your plans are always terrible, insane, and leave nothing but chaos in their wake!" I returned.
"What? That's nonsense, my plans are Crazy Awesome and you know it." said as he dismissed my objections with a casual wave of his hand. "Besides, this one is guaranteed to stop the Sekirei Plan."
"The last time you had a 'plan', I woke up, my ass hurt, and there were cake crumbs everywhere! All I can remember is that there was a plan and that it went horribly wrong!"
"Yeah, that's always a risk with the 'surprise cake' maneuver." he said sheepishly. I tried desperately not to think about what 'surprise cake' could be. "Anyway, we need to make a few stops so we can get the team together."
"No! I'm not doing it! Whatever you're thinking, I'll have no part of it! I don't trust you!"
"Shirou," Troper!Shirou said with unusual solemness "If you can't trust the me that trusts in you, then you can't trust in yourself that trusts in you, but I trust you because I trust the me that trusts you."
"Wait, but… you're me, so that means… If I trust… but then… " My brain shut down as I tried to process the Mind Screw.
"Great! Let's go!" Taking advantage of his weaponized confusion, he grabbed my hand, incanted "Portal Network, Another Dimension.", and we slipped into the void between dimensions.
"So, that's the plan." Troper!Shirou said.
The King of Swords looked at him in complete bafflement. "And why, in the name of the Root, would I ever want to do that?"
"Well, think of it like this: the echoes of manliness will be so great, they will reverberate all the way to the Root itself, filling it with shame as it can never be as manly as us. In this way, you can, at least metaphorically, kick the root in the balls." He said this completely nonsensical statement with upmost certainty.
The me who looked like a blue clad Archer thought this over of a second, before replying "Ok, I'm in."
"How did that convince you?" I screamed.
"Wait!" A busty redhead who had been listening to the conversation suddenly spoke up. "There is absolutely no way I would miss Darling in such a performance. I'm coming too!" The small bluette that was standing next to her nodded her agreement, and though her face was in a book, I could see that she had the decency to blush furiously.
"Kirche!" a pink haired girl ground out. "If you're going, I'm going too, if only to keep your amorous hands off my Servant."
A maid nearby managed to break her current fit of wiggles and 'Kyaaa' to add "Master will need me afterwards to… clean up." And she went right back to the wiggles.
I sighed as I knew the madness was just beginning.
"So, that's the plan." Troper!Shirou said.
The patriarch of the Emiya Clan leaned back in his chair, small frown crossing his face. "I see. And why do you want to recruit me?"
At this, my Troperiffic counterpart raised an eyebrow. "You have over twenty wives. It's clear that you're skills will be perfect for this operation."
"Fair point, but-"
He was then interrupted by over twenty female voices."You're doing this and we're coming with!"
The man sighed, looked over his shoulder and said "Yes dears." He turned back to us. "So, should we get going?"
"Not yet," Troper!Shirou responded. "You have a summoning circle here, right? We still need to recruit the last team member…"
"So, that's the-"
"No." Archer was not having any of this.
"But I-"
"No."
"If I could just-"
"No."
Troper!Shirou sighed and shrugged in an exaggerated manner. "Oh well, I guess that means there's nothing I can do. I mean, it's not like I can give you some sort of absolute command using some kind of sigil- oh wait." he said with a wicked grin as he held up the sword shaped symbol on his left hand.
Archer narrowed his eyes. "I hate you so much."
"This is so stupid." I said as the entirety of our group stood in the middle of the street. After we returned to my dimension, my counterparts and I had changed into some truly terrible outfits, and were now waiting for… something.
"No, it's pure genius." I glared at the instigator of this ridiculous plan and imagined him dying via a large number of swords. He looked at his watch. "The audience should be arriving in 3… 2… 1…"
Right on cue and for no apparent reason at all, the street suddenly became full of every Sekirei still active, including my own flock. It was somewhat confusing for them as they were standing next to their alternate dimension counterparts. However, they weren't the only doubles.
"Shirou!" I heard two familiar cries in the crowd. There, standing next to the older me's Rin and Saber were, well, my Rin and Saber. Their current mood was switching between happiness at seeing me and utter bafflement at what was going on.
I stared slack jawed at them for a few seconds before I rounded on the man I was sure was responsible for this madness. "Wait just a god damn minute! How did Rin and Saber get here? How did all the Sekirei suddenly show up? Since when can you travel dimensions at a whim? How did you know about these alternative versions of me? And how the hell did that guy manage a stable relationship between himself and over two dozen women?"
"A Wizard Did It."
There was a good ten second of me gaping like a fish before I closed my mouth. I… honestly had no way to respond to that.
"Alright!" Troper!Shirou said, ignoring my catatonic state. He raised his voice and in true Big Ham fashion announced to the crowd "The stage is set, and the players are ready. Ladies, Behold! Rule of Sexy Musical Episode!"
With those final worlds, a heavy beat began resonate all throughout the street. Seeing no way to end this nonsense but to see it through, I lined up with my counterparts, with Troper!Shirou taking the lead in the middle. As we began to strut down the street, he began to sing.
And it was incredibly embarrassing.
When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he's fly
I pay to the beat, walking on the street with in my new lafreak, yeah This is how I roll, animal print, pants out control, It's real fool with the big afro They like bruce lee rock at the club
Were these lyrics supposed to make sense? Either way, all eyes were on us.
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body I work out
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body I work out
Every single woman I could see was blushing a luminescent red. My Rin's jaw was so far open I was worried she dislocated it. That's when the five of us started to strip.
When I walk in the spot, this is what I see Everybody stops and they staring at me I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it
With that, the five of us ripped off our pants to show off 5 brightly colored banana hammocks. We were a horrify mockery of a super sentai team.
I'm sexy and I know it
With Troper!Shirou's first pelvic thrust, half of the women present passed out from blood loss.
I'm sexy and I know it
I was somewhat surprised that Miya had yet to unleash her Hannya Mask on the lot of us for lewd behavior. However, looking in her direction I saw the reason for that was she was one of the first ones to pass out! Oh, I'm going to have so much fun teasing her about that later.
The rest of the song went predictably. The some of the more fortuitous women managed to hold out for a while, when we got to the part with the wiggles it was all over. When we finally finished, all the women were passed out with blood dripping from their noses, the few men present were hanging their heads in defeat, and I swear I could feel reality shudder as if we just kicked it in the balls with shame.
As I to note of the damage the lot of us has caused, I slowly turned to mad mastermind behind all this. "Ok, just one thing: HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS THIS SUPPOSED TO STOP THE SEKREI PLAN?"
"Simple!" Troper!Shirou exclaimed. "When they all wake up, they will be far too busy trying to have sex with us to even remember what the Sekirei Plan is, thus causing the whole thing to fall apart."
"God damn it, why does every plan you make end with you having sex with someone?"
There was a long moment where he gave me a confused look. "Wait, you mean there are plans that don't end that way?"