Hey guys! IM BAAAAAACK! Haha my exams are over, I just spent the last few days reading over Dying to Live Again so I can be updated on what I'm supposed to be writing about, and you can expect regular updates from me! I'm very excited to continue this story!
aerobee82 – I'm so glad you loved how I played out the attack and that you are concerned for how / when / if Bella will be changed. It is important to the story! :) …..AND RELAX :D I have big plans for Bella, Charlie, Alice, Emmett, Jacob…the whole gang really… enjoy the story, and if I'm making you sad then I'm doing my job as the writer of this emotional rollercoaster ;) thank you for your reviews!
smelsies – hey! Its been so long! And I love talking to you before my story. Haha I know you will love what is coming up in the next few chapters so just stay tuned! :D I have the whole story board opened up on my computer so no worries I have it all planned out, you just worry about reading it and loving it ;) AND I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOO lol
Joey Vitelli – that is a huge compliment…thank you so much! I'm glad you like it, and I hope you continue to read and enjoy!
delilah69 – hey! Rose and Edward are still up in the air at this point in my mind, but I don't want them to be gone completely from the story so I will just have to let my brain get creative :) I am hoping to get more into Bella's head within the next few chapters…as you will know from this chapter I need to wrap up some loose ends before I can continue on! The Volturi will make an appearance at some point but I can't say why yet :D
Aversa – I hope you all haven't lost interest in this story! I hope you will continue to read and enjoy what I have planned :)
shadowslayers01 – I'm very glad you understand and can relate! I am finished now though until September so I'm ready to get this show on the road!
Jasperscutie16 – hey! I am planning on finishing this story no worries :) enjoy! And thanks for reading!
KyaKayToneRouko – Thank you for being so understanding! I'm just glad to be finished for the summer :)
Chapter 16: What If Is A Horrible Feeling
Bella's POV
"So…wait…I don't get it. The Quileute's are…wolves?" I was sitting with Emmett doing homework in the library again on a miserable, rainy night. The thunder and lightening struck the sky and usually made me jump, causing Emmett to laugh at me. I would go to punch him but he'd just warn me that I finally had my cast off and breaking my hand on marble wouldn't be my most brilliant idea. I sort of had to agree. My dad had been staying with the Cullen's for a month now and always seemed to have questions about the supernatural, which made me realize that I never did ask about the wolves. Emmett knew the best way to handle the situation was to just be open and honest about it so he put his calculus textbook aside and turned to face me.
"Yes. The way it works is that once a vampire moves into town the boys at the Res start to bulk up and somehow manage massive growth spurts. This fever sets in…usually they think they are getting sick. And one day they just phase into a wolf. Wolves and vampires are sworn enemies." He told me and I nodded.
"But...Jake has been bulking up…" He sighed and started rubbing my shin, which was resting on his lap.
"I know…he will phase one of these days. He already reeks."
"What did you just say Emmett Cullen?" He laughed and held up his hands.
"No, no. I mean that the wolves don't smell good to us just like we don't smell good to them." I felt my head tilt to the side as I gave him a curious look.
"So…what do you guys smell like? I can't smell anything weird about any of you…" He smiled and shook his head. I just loved it when he smiled like that. It was a special smile reserved for when I say something that is apparently obvious or, as he would put it, when I have a "Bella moment".
"Humans don't have a supernatural sense of smell silly. To us the wolves smell kind of like a wet dog would to a human. And to them we smell disgustingly sweet." I leaned forward and smelled his chest.
"You do smell kind of sweet…but in a good way." He continued rubbing my shin, which I loved. He did it a lot ever since I got my cast taken off. Almost like he is trying to make it stronger and less breakable. He did it a lot with my wrist and scar as well.
"Yeah vamps have special traits." I gave him a curious look and he knew I wanted to know more.
"Well…we are designed to be a human's worst nightmare. Everything about us invites people in…our voice is perfected during the change…our looks are made more beautiful than anyone can imagine…our bodies are made ideal…our natural scent is meant to be inviting to those around us…and we can even dazzle people." I had to laugh at that.
"Dazzle people? Oh come on Emmett." He grinned and leaned forward so our faces were about 5 inches apart.
"Don't believe me? Come on Bella…just tilt your head to the side and let me see that beautiful creamy neck of yours…let me just have a taste." I felt paralyzed. I couldn't do anything but look into his eyes and obey. I tilted my head to the side, never breaking eye contact. I couldn't even think.
"You going to let me taste you Bella?" Our eyes were still locked and I couldn't help but be mesmerized by those golden eyes.
"Yes." He looked down and sat back. I felt myself shift forward more, trying to follow him but realized what I was doing once I was released from his eyes.
"Woah…" was all I could muster. He looked up at me and gave me a half smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"See? …I could make you do anything." I reached my hand forward to rest it on his and he gladly scooped it up and held it gently between his own.
"Emmett…I know you wouldn't hurt me…you know that right?" He smiled to me and nodded but I could tell he still wasn't happy.
"Then what is it?" He sighed and began playing with my fingers.
"Em you're fidgeting." I told him softly with a smile. He smiled a real smile to me and shook his head, pulling me carefully onto the couch with him from my chair. I sat curled into his side as he continued to play with my hand.
"I just don't like that you aren't able to protect yourself if someone malicious tried that on you." I pressed myself deeper into him and he hugged me to him. I knew he was terrified of something bad happening to me. He decided that he wanted to have a night where we just asked each other questions…one where I could re-ask all of my questions from before I knew about them so I could get real answers. I thought it was very brave of him to do that for me when the answers sometimes got personal. He told me that his biggest fear was losing the sound of my heart beating. We sat curled up together for a few minutes just reminding him that I was still here when Alice busted through the door.
"GUYS! GUYS! GUESS WHAT!" I jumped toward Emmett in surprise and he laughed over my jittery nerves.
"Sorry Bella… but guess what!" I looked to Emmett and he looked at me.
"Alice if you say you traded in my truck for something newer…" She rolled her eyes at me and Emmett just chuckled to my left.
"Pfft I wish. NO! The wolves got them! They caught Victoria and Laurent!" I jumped up from the couch and hugged Alice.
"No way! Oh my God… that's amazing!" I turned around to see Emmett standing as well. I jumped into his arms and he gave me a big hug, lifting me off the floor and set me back down.
"When? Where? Who? Details Alice!" Emmett asked excited. I knew this would thrill him. He never let me out of his sight in fear that they would get me in order to get revenge for James's death. I looked up to see his smile light up his gold eyes and couldn't help but beam. 'Rosalie is such a fool to give him up…' I startled myself with that thought because I knew it was pointless. As much as I enjoyed being around Emmett and as much as we had connected…I could never be with a vampire. I was just an ordinary human girl…I looked to Alice and listened to her beautiful bell like voice as she spoke and realized how very ordinary I was. Emmett said so himself that vampires were made superhumanly beautiful in every way possible… and he had been married to Rosalie…how could a plain human girl like me ever compare?
"-and then Sam pounced on Victoria and just ripped her head CLEAN OFF. Then the other boys got in on it. They threw her on the fire with Laurent. Apparently Victoria put up more of a fight than Laurent which surprised me…she doesn't seem all than dangerous-"
"No." I cut in. I was looking down at my hands but I could feel their eyes on me.
"Victoria was so…terrifying. You could see it in her eyes…she just…" I shuddered at the thought. I saw her in my head holding that video camera…the gleam in her eyes as James tortured me…it was like she was getting a drug fix. She loved it.
"Hey now it's ok Bella, they are gone. You don't need to worry alright?" Emmett told me putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. I looked up to him and Alice and smiled. I didn't want them to worry I just knew it would be a long time before I could shake the horrible nightmare that was that night.
"Alice, they are here love. Hey Bella! How is studying coming along?" Jasper asked politely after giving Alice a kiss on the cheek. They were so in love. I couldn't help but smile.
"Hey now Jas. We finish in plenty of time." Emmett told him with a smirk and Jasper just shook his head smiling to Alice.
"Ok guys lets go downstairs!" Alice said happily and I looked to Emmett with curiosity. He just smiled and nudged me along. As we began down the sets of stairs I could start to hear my dad in conversation with other men, though I couldn't place them.
"-you guys really pulled through here! I don't know how to thank you enough."
"Ahh Charlie it's our job. You owe us nothing. The safety of Forks is all we care about." I came into the living room to see my dad, Carlisle, Esme, Billy and five Quileute boys. I recognized one of them as Sam Uley though I couldn't place the others.
"Billy!" I bee-lined for him when I got his attention to give him a hug. I hadn't seen Billy in so long because I couldn't go down to the reservation in fear of Victoria and Laurent catching up with me. I missed him and Jake so much…
"Where's Jake?" Billy hugged me back and laughed.
"Bella you look so much better! Jake is at home. He's slightly under the weather right now." I nodded and looked to Emmett. He gave me a small, supportive smile and I turned back to Billy.
"Yeah…I'm feeling a lot better now. The Cullen's helped a lot." He nodded smiling.
"I'm sure they did. They really pulled through for you two. I couldn't be happier." I felt a cold pair of arms circle me and smiled at Alice.
"We just love Bella-sitting!" Everyone laughed and I rolled my eyes, though a smile crept onto my face. I sat down on the couch beside Emmett, who sat beside my dad. Jasper took the chair and Alice gracefully perched herself on the arm rest and Carlise and Esme took the love seat. Sam took the other chair and the younger boys all sat on the floor, though they didn't seem to mind.
"Well it's good to see you boys all back in one piece. We owe all of you a great deal and I am just relieved that a greater understanding could be reached between our families." Carlisle told them sincerely. I watched as the boys and Billy all nodded.
"Well Carlisle, I guess it was about time. We aren't a threat to you and you don't seem to be a threat to us. I think it is about time that we adjusted the treaty permanently." I sat there and looked around as the room went silent. I looked to Emmett nervously and he smiled and tossed his arm around my shoulders. He didn't seem worried, more so interested. I took that as a good sign. I looked to Carlisle who was smiling and nodding to Billy.
"I think that is a fantastic idea. How about we get together tomorrow night just after sunset. You bring the elders and the pack, and I will bring my family." Sam stood up and held out his hand to Carlisle, who took it happily. I watched as the two shared a look of mutual respect and I couldn't help but feel curious. Sam seemed to be of a leader status…kind of like Carlisle is with the family. I knew Billy was the elder chief of the Quileute tribe but it all seemed so strange. I couldn't picture the Quileute boys as wolves though I wasn't too sure which ones of them were actual wolves and which ones weren't. I looked over to Sam and he looked down to me and gave me a nod, but turned away quickly. I could tell he felt instantly uncomfortable…though I wasn't sure why.
"Alright well we should get going Billy…" Billy turned to Sam and nodded promptly. Something was for sure off. They were acting so strange all of a sudden but I knew better than to ask. We all stood and shook hands or hugged the Quileute boys and men. I stood at the window and watched them talking outside the house by Billy's truck. They helped him in and then all of the boys ran out into the forest. They seemed rushed and a bit worried. I just hoped everything was alright.
"Holy Bella. You know…I bet you would have the coolest power." I turned to Jasper who was smirking at me from his chair. I walked over to sit back beside Emmett and smiled.
"What are you talking about?" He chuckled.
"I get hit with realization, curiosity and understanding from you probably ten times a day. You are a very intuitive young woman. If you were one of us I bet your power would be pretty interesting." I looked to my dad and he laughed.
"Yea Bells has always been too smart for her own good." I laughed and shook my head.
"Yes but she never ever asks. She isn't nosey enough." I smiled to Alice who winked at me. It was true…I hated to pry.
"The whole… reading emotions thing… hard to get used to." I told Jasper and everyone laughed.
"Hard isn't it? Sometimes I'd like to give him an off switch." Emmett told me. I laughed and nodded. It had to be embarrassing at times. He could know everything you are feeling at anytime. I would have to watch my emotions around him what with me having an attraction to Emmett. I would hate for any of them to find out. I looked up to Jasper who caught my eye and winked. Great. He probably already knew. He started to chuckle and I realized I was giving off realization. That's embarrassing. He just smiled and turned to Alice. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and got up to pull me toward the stairs.
"Alright it's girl time! Say bye to Bella!" Everyone laughed and said goodnight to me. I looked at the way Jasper watched Alice as she spoke to everyone. There was so much love in that relationship. True love. I couldn't help but wonder how that must feel. To know for all eternity someone wanted to be with you… spend their existence loving you and needing you. I looked to my hand in Alice's as she pulled me towards the stairs and couldn't help but feel a little jealous and lonely. I never really bothered with guys. Yes I had kissed a boy or two in my time. I had one boyfriend in Phoenix but I felt nothing with him. I never felt anything with them… it was as if they flipped my off switch when I was around them. His name was David and he was a perfectly nice guy but…there was always something missing. I decided to just focus on school and not break another heart. And now… with my epilepsy and the fact that I seem to attract superhuman species…who would want me? I'm a complete klutzy mess…especially when I stand beside the perfect Cullen's. I looked over to Jasper one last time while Alice was pulling me up the stairs and he locked eyes with me giving me a sad look of understanding.
Emmett POV
"Sometimes I wish I could make people feel better and not have it be a temporary solution." Jasper said as he shook his head and turned back to his book on the history of Florida. He's been doing a lot of reading on Florida ever since we found out that is where Alice is from.
"What do you mean?" I asked as I got up to turn on my PS3. I could hear Jas put his book down on the table and knew he was waiting for my attention. I turned and he was giving me a look. I knew that look.
"What do you know Jas." He smirked at me for being smart with him.
"I know what you're hiding when it comes to Bella. I've known for a while." I sighed unnecessarily and looked down to my controller.
"Yeah but that doesn't-"
"And I know that she is forcing the same thing to the back of her heart." I looked up at him in surprise. Bella felt it too?
"But…we are… and she…" I was speechless.
"I know that it's complicated and I don't blame you. If she never wants to be one of us then it will never work Em. But when she left here I haven't felt anyone feel so lonely and unworthy. Only you. When Rose put you out of your room." I looked to him and his facial expression confirmed it. I never knew Bella felt so low…she was always fine with me…how could she be…
"I know you're confused…it's because she's happy when she's with you. The way I figure it…you sort of make her forget everything and she's just happy and content. Unless she is comparing herself to us. Then she's pretty disappointed." I looked at him stunned.
"She compares herself to us?" He nodded.
"Yeah…come on Emmett you shouldn't be surprised. A lot of people do."
""Yeah but… it's Bella…"
"I know I know…I agree. But look at it from her perspective. She is clumsy, a danger magnet, she is shy and awkward, she mutters and mumbles. Here we are with a flawless exterior and immortal. She's very breakable Em…a normal teenage girl with insecurities. I just wish it was easier for the poor girl. You know…I think Rose may have gotten to her." I watched him fidget slightly.
"Fidgeting now Jasper? Picking up on a few human traits I see." He became very still.
"Well there is something I have been wanting to tell you actually. I just had promised Edward I wouldn't." I sat up straight now and fully faced Jasper.
"Well…Edward knows what Rosalie told Bella when she caught up with her near the treaty line and he confided in me." I hadn't forgotten that Rose had had words with Bella. I also hadn't forgotten the episode that had occurred because of it. I just never thought that Edward would tell anyone. And I could never ask Bella that question…if I was ever the one to upset her…I don't know what I would do. I felt myself just waiting for him to continue.
"She laid into Bella about how you would never want anyone as flawed as her." I stood up angry and started pacing around the living room.
"How dare she." I muttered under my breath. Rosalie would be the bitch that sank that low. She knows a human can't compete with our modified appearance.
"Just stay calm Em." I felt a wave of calm hitting me and I rolled my eyes. I wanted to be mad…but I knew getting upset wouldn't solve anything.
"She had no right telling Bella that she is flawed." He nodded.
"I know Em. I just feel bad for Bella because I know she thinks she is flawed so no one will want her." I just sat there looking at my playstation controller. I knew deep down that I was falling for Bella. It killed me to know that she felt unlovable.
"She is so much better than Rose ever could be." I whispered to him. I looked him in the eye and he gave me a sad look. I got up and left the living room. I headed upstairs to Bella's room and went to knock on the door when it hit me. Wolf.
"Bella?" I opened the door and saw Jacob sitting on Bella's bed with Bella consoling him.
"Hey Em…can we have a minute?" I looked at them both and couldn't help but feel slightly jealous. Bella was sitting beside him hugging his now massive arm with her head on his shoulder and he had his head resting on hers, tears in his eyes, tears running down her face. I paused for a moment.
"Is everything alright?" I looked to Bella…she looked so sad. I saw Jacob start to shake a bit and he stood up fast from Bella and was instantly in my face. He was about four inches shorter than I am but he was still a lot bigger than before.
"Jake!" Bella called jumping to the edge of her bed. She was perched on her knees and on edge.
"Hey man. Take it easy. Don't you dare pull any of this shit in front of Bella." I told him sternly. I was not about to get into it with one of Bella's best friends.
"Everything alright? What do you think leech? Or should I thank you for the change I'm about to make." I looked to Bella who had another fresh stream of tears coming down her beautiful cheeks. I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck.
"Look. If it were up to me this wouldn't be happening to any of you. But I don't have that kind of control." He bumped my chest with his trying to get me to come unglued. I wouldn't let myself though… not in front of Bella.
"Jake stop!" I could hear my family rushing up the stairs.
"Relax guys I've got this." I told them. I heard them outside the door and could practically feel them on edge.
"You do realize that if you do this here Bella is for sure going to have an episode." I could see the pain in his eyes and I could tell his guard was coming down.
"I feel bad…I do. But this wasn't my family. This was the nomads that came through here. It was them that sent you guys into the transformation. I wish I could keep this from happening Jake…" He hung his head and turned around to Bella, giving her a hug. I heard him whisper that he was sorry and to please think about what he had told her. I looked down at the floor, not wanting to see their closeness or Bella's tear streaked face. I felt so bad for them. Bella was taking this harder than I thought. Jacob was rightfully upset, but totally barking up the wrong tree here. I watched him hop out of the window, which was sort of impressive given that he had yet to make the actual change. I looked at Bella and she looked at me. I could feel the next round of tears coming on and took the few strides to the bed and took her in my arms.
"I'm so sorry you had to see that Bella." I whispered. I could hear my family come into the room but I didn't acknowledge them. She clung to me and I could feel her shivering slightly but I did my best to attribute that to the open window.
"Jas get the window." I told him and instantly the window was closed. Everyone was quiet and I could hear Alice breathing unnecessarily hard. Bella calmed down in my arms and I leaned her back and tucked her under the covers.
"I'm coming right back ok?" she nodded and I escorted my family out of her room and closed the door behind us.
Ok what the fuck happened." I looked to them. I glanced at Alice and she had her head down.
"I just…thought she'd be safe with him." She said quietly. I nodded.
"I wouldn't doubt that she'd be safe with him but he's going to be one pissed off wolf and that isn't good for us. He can't be in this house with us and Bella as a young wolf because he will be too unpredictable. I don't think we should keep Bella away from him I just think it would be best to not have them together here." Everyone nodded.
"Well that shouldn't be a problem because tomorrow Bella and Charlie are moving back home." I looked to Carlisle in shock. Tomorrow? I didn't have much of an excuse to be with Bella everyday now…which was good because I am too close to falling for her as it was…but I'd miss her like crazy.
"Yeah…look. I'm going back in there with Bella. I'll see you guys later." I gave Alice a reassuring smile and she looked like she felt a little better about the whole thing. It really wasn't her fault at all. Who would try to keep Bella away from Jacob?
"Hey Bella, how are you?" She sat up in bed and I slid in beside her, pulling her onto my chest and flipped on the TV. Seinfeld was on but I really couldn't pay attention to it. I was more focused on Bella relaxing. I started rubbing my hand up and down her tanktop clad back and she sighed into me chest.
"I'm alright. Just hate how upset Jake is…he doesn't deserve this Em…" I hugged her tighter and nodded.
"I know." She sniffled and let out a deep breath.
"He came here because he's scared Em…and I'm scared for him. Will… will it hurt him?" I shook my head.
"No it won't hurt him. I've heard it is a bit shocking at first because your senses are ridiculously heightened and it's difficult to get used to everyone being in your head but-"
"In your head?" I nodded again.
"Yeah, the wolves can hear each other's thoughts in wolf form." She let out a small 'oh' but said nothing else. I was sure she was just trying to take it all in.
"I'm really sorry Bella." She sniffled again.
"It's not your fault Em. Thank you…by the way…you really kept your cool with him." I looked down at her and she looked up at me.
"Bella…I would never lose my temper around you. You are too important to me and I was ever the one to make you have an episode…I'd never forgive myself." She sighed and looked away.
"Hey now…what's wrong?" She shrugged but I knew if I waited a moment she would answer me.
"It's just that…my epilepsy. I'm so…breakable. I hate people having to tiptoe around my health." I felt her melt hopelessly into my arms and couldn't help the overwhelming sadness from my talk with Jasper come over me.
"Bella. I don't think any less of you now that I know about your epilepsy-"
"Maybe not." She said and sat up. I sat up with her. "But I hate being so fragile. I'm the girl that falls down…runs into things…gets…attacked by vampires…" I felt panic come over me at this. "I hate that the people I care about have to worry that my natural clumsiness and danger appeal will kill me. I don't want people to worry anymore Em…" I nodded understanding.
"You know…I forget what it's like to be human. What it's like to be breakable…to trip…to bleed. But I do remember my little sister." She looked at me curiously. "I remember how much I loved her. And I remember how I wanted nothing more than to take care of her and keep her safe. Bella, be you human, clumsy or not. Or supernatural. The ones that are about you will always worry and always want you to be safe and unscarred, physically, mentally or emotionally. You don't need to be upset that people worry…it's natural." She watched my eyes, seemingly searching for the truth. I just looked right back at her with confidence. She smiled and put her head on my arm, hugging it like she did Jacob.
"You know…he told me something tonight Em." I rested my head on hers waiting for her to continue.
"He told me…that…that he …loves me." I felt myself tense. The jealousy surging through me was almost uncontrollable. I was sure Jasper was having a fit in his room.
"He…does?" I gritted out. She pulled back and sighed crossing her legs, fiddling with the strings on her track pants. I could just watch her. She was obviously uncomfortable with the conversation.
"I was…stunned. I love him…I do. I always have and always will. He's my childhood best friend." I could feel the pain setting in my chest. But then she continued. "Is it…wrong that I don't feel the same love for him though?" I looked to her trying to hide my relief. I gave myself a second to compose myself. Weird feeling…having to take time to compose.
"No Bella…that isn't wrong. You can't tell yourself how to feel." I told her gently. She nodded and sighed.
"Is it wrong that I have a problem with the whole…wolf thing?" I looked at her in shock. Bella? Being wary of what he is? She was so understanding though…my confusion must have shown on my face.
"Not that I have a problem with the wolves it's just…my dad…his attack…it makes me nervous. How could I give him what he deserves when I'm afraid of what he is? When in the back of my mind…I'm scared that one day he could just…snap." I held her in my arms at this. I felt so bad for her. It was a horrible thing to be afraid of your best friend I was sure. She started crying.
"But then I think… i-it's Jake. H-how could he…he wouldn't hurt me. And then…I f-feel like a total jerk…for ever thinking he would." I started rocking her softly from side to side. I leaned back with her in my arms so she was again laying on my chest and started stroking her hair.
"I understand Bella. You aren't a bad person for feeling this way I promise. You are allowed to be concerned given the circumstances. Just do what you feel in your heart is right and you can never go wrong. At the end of the day you are the one suffering the consequences of your actions. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with and I will always support you. No matter what you choose." I felt her melt into me again, this time in comfort. It completely made my day knowing that I could relax her and make her feel better. I continued to play with her long brown hair well into the night, ever after she fell asleep. This could be the last time I lay in bed at night with Bella. She was moving back home tomorrow and I would no longer have the excuse to do this with her. I'd miss this…the closeness…the ease. The comfort I felt hearing and feeling her breathe in and out…watching her eyes flutter as she dreamt. Hearing her mumble softly in her sleep. I took in every detail because I had the most haunting feeling…
What if she did choose to be with Jacob? What if…she felt bad for him changing and didn't want to see us anymore? What if…I couldn't find a reason to spend nights with her anymore? What if…is a horrible feeling.
DONE! Well until the next chapter. Which I am EXCITED TO WRITE! I can't wait to get it up because I think it will be a real shock! I'm back for good not guys, and thank you to everyone for being so patient! I am glad you all stuck by and let me take my time for school and are still here reading and reviewing when I have the time to love my story.
Thank you again!