December 2008

Along came winter, and with winter came the first anniversary of the Nick and Miley break-up. I had struck up a friendship with Miley over the last few months of 2008, finding that we had more in common than either of us had been willing to admit beforehand. My newfound friendship with Miley meant that I had become some kind of double agent, hearing the reports from both sides and having to reassure the other that things were not as irreparable as they seemed, all without revealing what each one had said about the other.

Of course, neither of them ever listened to me. Miley was still with Justin and Nick had (as predicted) just broken Selena's heart that fall. Neither of them was willing to push their anxiety and their doubts aside and try to work things out once and for all. Miley insisted on trying to fall in love in love with Justin, even though everyone knew where her heart really was, all whilst Nick insisted that he was fine being single.

December 19th was a difficult day for everybody. After having a heartfelt phonecall with Nick that morning, I found myself cradling Miley in my arms, rubbing her back and promising her that it would all be fine.

"I thought it would all be better by now," she sobbed. "I thought that it would stop hurting and I wouldn't miss him anymore, but it's never going to get better, is it?"

"You know it will, Miley."

"But he doesn't want me anymore! He wants girls like Selena, but I can't keep pretending that he's out of my head!"

How could I tell her how wrong she was? It wasn't my place to tell her that she was still the centre of Nick's entire existence, or that Nick had tried so hard to make Selena like her that it almost drove them both insane. Those words were supposed to come from his lips, not mine.

Maybe it was wrong of me to let her fall apart in my arms when I knew the truth about how they both felt, but I was sixteen. How was I supposed to know that everything would still be broken five years down the line? How could I have known what their future would bring? I thought that they would get back together and that would be it - everyone would be happy and they could walk off into the sunset together. Back then, I thought that Nick and Miley were endgame.

"I want him back, Demi. Even as my best friend. I just want him back in my life."

"He loves you, Mi."

What else could I have said to that? I purposely left my words open to interpretation. The word 'love' has two meanings: you either mean a lot to someone and they love you as a friend; or else they're in love with you - spine tingling, butterfly inducing, head-over-heels kind of love. One word makes the world of difference, but it wasn't my place to make that distinction. They had to figure that out by themselves.

"But he doesn't want to be in my life."

"It's just hard for him. You have no idea how difficult the past year has been for him. Seeing you with Justin was –"

"Seeing me with Justin? What about seeing him with Selena two months after we broke up!" Miley paused and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry. I know you don't like to talk about the Selena thing."

It's true – my friendship with Selena made the situation even stranger and a lot more complicated. I was not just trying to stay loyal to both Nick and Miley, but I was also trying to avoid getting caught in a web of gossip about Selena and Miley. There were times when one wanted to talk about the other, and I was paralysed, unsure what to say without making it seem like I was being a bad friend to one or the other.

Selena and Miley had a lot more in common than either could ever know. It wasn't just their relationships with Nick that linked them. It was their loving natures and their willingness to overlook every mistake he had made as long as that made them the girl he worshipped. But they would never get the opportunity to realise that about one another, because despite the fact that they could overlook Nick's wrongdoings, neither could overlook the fact that he had turned to the other.

The truth, however, was that the only girl Nick ever had or ever would worship would be Miley. But how could I break the news to Selena when she in turn worshipped Nick, even after how he had treated her?

I exited Miley's house that December 19th and immediately called Nick back.

"Now really isn't a good time, Demi."

Something in me snapped that day. He sounded so broken and fragile and something in my head just snapped in two. I had spent hours holding Miley while she cried her heart out, and I had spent months trying to reassure him that his mistakes had not caused irreversible damage, and for what? For one of them to be as miserable as the other? What was the good in that?

"You need to fix this. I don't care how or where or when. I just need you to fix this with Miley, because I don't know how I'm supposed to juggle all of you falling apart and –"

"Demi, slow down!"

"Don't you get it? I can't slow down! I just spent the past year watching everything crumble down around my friends, and I can't stand it anymore. Today has been a nightmare for everybody, and I know that you realise that. You need to fix this, Nick."

Maybe that phonecall had been a mistake. Maybe it was a bad move to demand that he fix things and act like all of this was my business. But that phonecall made things better the following year, even if the good times only lasted for one short summer.

I had grown tired of trying to balance the three most important people in my life. Miley and I had only been friends for a short while, but she had already become such a huge part of my life, and I found myself trusting her as much as was humanely possible for me. I was tired of trying to juggle my time between her, Nick and Selena. It was my opportunity as well as my duty to step up and make them all work it out. They had been fighting and crying over each other for far too long.

I have made a lot of mistakes when it comes to my part in the relationship between Nick and Miley – the things I did do and the things that I didn't; and perhaps that was partly down to my own personal issues, and the battles I had to face myself. I had a lot of opportunities to help them and end this disaster. That December 19th was the one opportunity I actually took. Do I regret it? Not for one second.