A/N: I am still trying to figure out a good system of update distribution, but I wanted to introduce Bowser right away. Is one disclaimer at the beginning of the story enough to assure everyone who is reading that I do not own any of Nintendo's wonderful characters? If not, there's another one.
It was a muggy, cloudy Sunday in the Darklands. Birds were chirping frantically as they hurried to build shelter from the impending summer thunderstorm.
"Do I look like a member of the stinkin' Audubon Society? Take a hike, you worthless winged rodents," muttered the Koopa King as he dragged himself out of his bed, carefully stepped into his shell, and trudged downstairs and into the dark and empty dining room.
"Where is my food?" he bellowed into the empty kitchen. A faint echo of his own voice and the sound of quivering pots and pans were the only replies he received.
Ugh, right, the stupid cooking staff is off until tonight, restocking and training or something stupid like that. Bowser sighed and rolled his eyes as he stomped up the red, carpeted stairs to the meeting hall. Flanking him on either side were many pictures of himself in various poses and a few pictures of his children as well. Lucky brats. He pictured all eight of them sleeping soundly in their beds.
The kids had been so happy when they came back from boarding school for their summer vacation. Every Koopaling had something impressive to share. Larry was beginning lessons on how to breathe fire, Morton brought home some paintings of Bowser squishing Mario, and Wendy said she might get an internship at Koopa Couture Magazine. The twins directed the school's variety show, Roy was an honorary hall monitor, and Ludwig had once again received the highest academic honors in the school.
The coming autumn would be Junior's first year at school. Although Bowser would never admit it, he was a little sad to see his youngest already at school age, but he felt it was important for his children to receive an education outside the home, somewhere they could "beat the learning into the little twerps". However, in actuality, the school's campus was almost as nice as their home castle, due in large part to generous grants from Bowser.
As Bowser reached the double doors, his mind snapped back to his current task. Why do my idiotic minions schedule these things on the weekends? Bowser rubbed his growling stomach.
He opened the golden double doors and entered the lavishly decorated meeting hall. Smells like bacon. He eyed the leftovers of the chief financial adviser's breakfast. Why does everyone get to eat but me?
As the Koopa King entered, all the advisers and minions leaped to their feet and bowed in reverent silence as he made his way to the end of the hall.
"Yeah, yeah, get on with it, let's make this quick," Bowser growled impatiently as he took his seat.
At this, the head of the Koopa environmental committee scurried to the front of the room carrying several large charts. In his hurry, the Shy Guy tripped over his own robe and fell face first, scattering important documents across the floor. Embarrassed, he risked a glance at the Koopa King, who was sitting in his chair at the head of the long wooden table, strumming his claw with a decidedly unimpressed expression on his face.
"Um, you see, Your Highness," he started, picking up various graphs from the floor to display. "Recent geographical surveys have shown that the massive amounts of air pollution have been causing local crop failure. This air pollution is probably due, in part, to the recent boom in production companies and factories."
"So, obviously, we just need to raise taxes on all of the companies involved," the Koopa King said quickly.
Kamek started, "But my liege, forgive my ignorance, but it is not so obvious to me. Wouldn't raising taxes on those companies reduce the kingdom's productivity and hurt--?"
"We're doing it to raise funds for a cleanup program. No stupid company is going to get away with polluting my kingdom without paying for it. Besides Kamek, it's not like we're going to lose more productivity by raising taxes that than we do around here by answering stupid questions from Koopas who speak faster than they think," snapped Bowser. "What's next?"
"Your Highness," Kammy replied. "Princess Peach is having a charity soiree in three weeks at the Mushroom Castle."
"So what?" Bowser retorted. "It's not like I'm invited or anything. Next!"
Although he wished to seem unconcerned by events at the Mushroom Castle, all his advisers knew he secretly longed to hear any news regarding Princess Peach. Despite his previous mood, Bowser felt content as his mind drifted off to thoughts of Peach.
Peach; she's so beautiful, so amazing. He loved the way her voice sounded, and how her deep blue eyes always reflected her soft and caring nature. He loved how her golden hair was bouncy, shiny, and always smelled so good. Most of all, he loved how she was so gentle and kind. She was even kind to him to a certain extent, despite the fact that he always made trouble for her. He imagined what it would be like to dance with her at her charity ball, holding her softly in his claws while she smiled at him and only him.
Meanwhile, the advisers were passionately discussing which brand of hand soap they would purchase for use in all government buildings.
"Get the one without all that perfume junk in it; I smell good enough as it is. I don't want to smell like 'lavender fields' all day long. Oh yeah, and make sure it's moisturizing, I'm sick of people running around here with rough scales," Bowser said absently. "Next!"
One day, I'm gonna be with her forever. I'm gonna make her see how great I am, and how she's meant for me, and I'm meant for her, and how we-- The thought of "we" describing him and Peach sent shivers down his spine. Of course, he was not the only one to feel that way. The entire kingdom knew about, and was incredibly tolerant of, his rather unorthodox target of affections. Many Darklandians hoped, almost as desperately as he did, that one day she would find the good in their king and agree to marry him. In some ways, hoping for Peach to become queen of the Darklands was a matter of patriotic national pride; not to mention, Princess Peach was a favorite topic of Darklandian celebrity gossip columns.
However, more than anyone except Bowser himself, the Koopalings wished endlessly for Peach to come live in the castle. Bowser Jr. summed it up best of all when he said, "I wouldn't pull her hair, or tease her, or nothin'. If Mama Peach came to live with us, I would play with her and bake a cake for her every day!"
But she has her fat little plumber and, for whatever reason, she's in love with him and not me. The thought of Mario holding and kissing his sweet princess was enough to send him into a jealous rage. The more he thought about it, the more the thought consumed him until finally he stood up from his chair, right in the middle of Kammy's speech about the economy.
"My Lord is something the matter?" Kammy asked.
"Yeah, you know what? I just can't deal with this right now. I need some King Koopa time. This meeting is dismissed!" With that, Bowser stormed out of the meeting chamber leaving behind his very shocked and confused advisers.