016. Family
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean vaguely implied
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Do not own, no money made
Comments: Pre-series. Stream of consciousness. Slash100 Prompts
I'm being fought over like two dogs over a bone. My wants or cares disappear in the snarling of who gets to own me, to dictate my life, to use me for their purpose.
They're tearing at me, not a bone anymore but an old broken chew-toy. They both grab at me, trying to drag me over to their side.
Dean's side may seem compelling as it promises love but I've known that love for years; it's made up of fear, loneliness, anger and guilt. It reeks of despair and clings to me like wet seaweed trying to suffocate me. I can't be what Dean wants me to be, I can't give him what he needs, I haven't got any of it myself.
Dean is not an option.
Dad's side horrifies me. I've seen what it does to people and I don't want to turn into Dean. We'd be too broken to even reform into one person. Giving in to Dad is equal to killing myself and if I'd ever decide to go that way it'll be on my terms and not because my father's hate and revenge has led me to it.
Oh, but he grasps at me, to mold me into a vessel of hate to go forth in the world and kill for him. I won't. I won't be subverted to anyone's cause.
I will be me. I'll tear myself free from their clutches. I'll leave them holding the parts they ripped out of me and I hope they'll find comfort in those.
I'll free myself and leave and patch up what's left of me and I'll survive.
And, maybe, one day one of them will bring me what got torn away…if they haven't killed each other first.