[The page is water stained, tinted red. It appears to be wine.]
It's becoming increasingly harder to write in this thing, but I'll try for the sake of my sanity— I've been having nightmares, you see... And I'm losing too much sleep, and my mind is busy, and I have not seen Vaemon in nearly three weeks, maybe more.
I'm pregnant again. At least a month and a half along. I say it like that, because it's how everyone else says it. This time it's a boy, I hear. But we can't be certain. I would send word to him, but I don't know where he is, exactly. Regardless, I wouldn't disturb him. I'm smoking again, too. But not often. This is my first one, but I figured I should maybe keep tabs on how many I smoke and how often. Maybe in another three months I'll have another. I think I'll need it. As the new year rolls closer, I grow more anxious and I can't seem to get rid of this feeling of dread. I've been ill from far more than just morning sickness.
Something terrible is going to happen. I can feel it. Korisus seems to agree, and he thinks that I'm not quite overreacting. Perhaps not on the outside. I'm more or less disturbed by the letter and scale that Ellorah showed me. The scale is still glowing, still pulsing, as if it were alive. I'm very afraid for what the coming months will bring.
Why is it that no matter who it is,
they are always elsewhere? I'm unsettled by the consistency in the
relationships I've had. The disappearing trick is mystifying to young
minds, but I've since grown up and now it's nothing short of
distressing. I love Thaliia, and I love this child, but I'm not sure
I can raise them on my own. I wish that I could give someone an
ultimatum, but it would be filled with hypocrisy because I know that
the moment I can, I will return to Northrend and fulfill my duties as
Siegebreaker and a Crusader. I know the people I leave my children
with, and I trust them, but it does not make me a good parent.
I
am imperfect and I have torn values. I do not claim to be ignorant to
it but I wish things were different. I also realize thought that in
order for things to be different, I must go away sometimes. I refuse
to let these two grow up in this world. I want so much better for
them and I will make it better. I will not let things get worse. They
don't deserve to live around and deal with the problems that their
parents and previous leaders have caused among one another. They will
not fight in battle as I have. They will not see the things that I
have seen. No one needs to see their friends bleed to death, or have
limbs ripped from their bodies. No one deserves to be bedridden and
fear the use they may no longer get from their arm. No child needs to
grow up and experience that.
And yet... At the same time... No child deserves to lose a parent. I cannot guarantee that I will always come home, and I cannot guarantee that if I fight things will be better the next day. This is, unfortunately, the way the world works. But something that I know is that every time a battle is fought, and every time a soldiers falls, things are one step closer to getting better. No matter how small the step is. Things can escalate until they break, but even then the only thing left to do is fix it. I want to fix it.
There isn't enough happiness in this world... If only briefly, I wish for a calm where children can play in their towns or cities without having the risk of being caught by the patrol of an opposing faction. I wish the story of Giannah did not ring true for more than a handful of people. Raiding, rape, manslaughter, torture, slavery. Even Orcs have been proven to be civilized, unless our Warchief is truly a barbarian. Then Wrynn must not only be an imbecile, but a monster. There's no reason that the Horde and Alliance can't get along as well as their counterparts within the Crusade, or the Druids of Cenarion. Things like that never really did make much sense to me...
Regardless... Here's to a future... I hope that my nightmares stay in my head.