Chapter 7: Disconsolation and Recognition
I hung up the phone after I heard the click of Roy put the phone down, I sat at the bar stool in the kitchen. I was on the third floor so it wasn't easy to see the walkways, all I would able to see are umbrella covers above the main entrance. So I didn't watch for Roy's car. I shuffled through the papers on the counter, it was mostly junk mail and bills. After sorting them I dropped them in a the basket on the counter near the fridge and trashed the junk mail. I looked around me to find something to occupy myself from my thoughts. I began cleaning up the house a bit. Sweeping, wiping, mopping, dusting, scrubbing, from one end to the next. Alphabetize my books, there wasn't much of anything left to do... I sat on the couch and I waited. I stared in the general direction of the window, through the rain and saw flashes of headlights reflect against the buildings, back and forth. I stood and closed the blinds and turned off a few lights, leaving only the one in the kitchen and front hall on. It was still cold. I turned up the heat a little more.
I heard a knock on my door twenty minutes later, I peeked through the eye piece. It was Roy. I unlocked all three locks and swung the door open. "Well someone's excited." Roy looked awful even though he was smiling. He looked so tired and beat down. He was wearing regular civilian clothes rather than his uniform. I frowned immediately and helped him in with the take out. This time it was burgers and fries rather than Xing knock off take out. Which was good because I was really tired of Xing food.
"You look terrible, when was the last time you slept? I mean really slept, as in more than a few hours." I caressed his tired face. "Dunno." he was fighting sleep sitting with me. "You should go to bed, it's only 11PM right now. If you go now you should be rested well enough to not look like your... anyway come on." I practically dragged him to the bed. He soon complied. I grabbed spare blankets from the closet and Roy helped me make the bed up with the extra blankets before we crawled under. This was the first time we shared a bed in a long time. I felt exhausted but I couldn't fall asleep. No matter which way I tried to lay I felt uncomfortable. I tossed and turned restlessly for what felt like forever, was only thirty minutes. I slammed my face into my pillow and sighed loudly in immense frustration.
I sat up and stared at the alarm clock next to my bed, there was barely any light in the room but enough to make out the time. It was five minutes until midnight. I just sat and listened to the clicking of the clock, Roy breathing next to me, and cars racing through the rain. Lightning would light up the room every now and again for a moment and thunder would rattle my things on the shelves. I rested my head on my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs, I thought about my life.
I couldn't bring myself to go into Al's room. There wasn't anything in it anymore aside from a bed, not that there was much to begin with. Winry came down a week after she heard Al was murdered and took his things home and had a funeral. Since there was no body to burn or be buried and the armor was in evidence, they took all his belongings and put them in a steel box. I believe they buried it next to mom's grave. I didn't even know what they were doing until Aunt Pinako called to yell at me for not being there, turned out Winry purposely didn't tell me and lied to Pinako about calling me to inform me they were having a funeral. Winry won't talk to me and Pinako doesn't call anymore. The only one who talks to me anymore are Roy, Hughes and his family, and Hawkeye.
I'm limited to knowing what is going on with Alphonse's case, so far all their leads were dead ends and they are going to file it away as Unsolved in a month if they don't get any leads that are useful. Al and I have made some enemies over the years but most of them have died, others are securely locked away, and the rest are incapable of it. I got up and moved as quietly as I could back to the main room and sat on the couch, it was still raining. I didn't bother turning on any lights because I wasn't doing anything other than sitting. I mimicked the position I was in when I sat in bed, with my arms around my knees. I stared blankly into the dark room with the occasional flash of lightning that would light up the room and the rumble of thunder would vibrate through the room. I sat like that for a couple hours before becoming tired enough to sleep.
When I woke up Roy was gone, I wasn't surprised or anything but I was disappointed. I glanced at the clock as I stood. Roy would be in work now. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to walk out into the hall and not be greeted by Alphonse's daily routine of making sure I cared for myself, but I got up and opened the door. I stared at the white wall. I looked down the empty hall and walked towards the front room. Sitting at the table by the window was Roy reading through files and drinking coffee. He looked up after hearing the loud clicking of my automail leg on the hard floor. I didn't feel sad or depressed at that moment. I sat in silence for a moment. "I'm sorry." Roy put down his files and sat across from me. "Why are you sorry?" I paused and thought for a moment before answering. "I was depressed and thoughtlessly spent a lot of time with you and we did some things I don't think I was quit ready for, not because of age or anything but mentally I wasn't thinking of consequences. I spent almost a week with you and during that time Alphonse was trying to get in touch with me and I didn't know it. I was so angry with you for months because being with you made me forget I was supposed to be taking care of Alphonse. I felt like my automail wasn't a feature worth being self-conscious about or something to be fixed but rather something that made me, me." I stopped and thought of how I could express the guilt that was eating at me into words.
"I felt guilty and selfish for thinking this and completely forgot Alphonse needed me, his body needed to be fixed so he could experience the happiness I was feeling. I felt so useless because I wasn't allowed to be apart of the investigation because my connection to him would have led me to react irrationally and recklessly, I knew this and blamed you still. I sat around doing nothing but festering in my anger and guilt for months. Then, I was yelling at you like it was your fault I felt that way, your fault I forgot, your fault Alphonse died when really it was mine. Don't tell me it's not because it is!" This was the point I felt myself start to cry. "And then the most awful thought occurred to me. Since Alphonse isn't here anymore... I could be happy again and not worry about having to fix the mistake we made all those years ago, I could live with the loss of my limbs Alphonse couldn't live without a body." I sat there in silence. Roy sat next to me and leaned into me.
I felt so angry with myself, how could I rationally think that this feeling was alright? I lost my brother by a gruesome murder and all I can think about is being with Roy and being happy. "Alphonse wasn't murdered." Jumping up and knocking Roy to the floor I bolted to the table Roy was sitting at and violently shifted through the documents.