Chapter 4 - Burnt Bridges
Though awaking after unneeded rest, Sam came to with a burden of weariness. The pain was greater than it had been the last time she awoke, and though it was still only throbbing, her emotions were already affected. She had survived, but by destroying probably her only possible options back to a normal life. And Jolinar was very clearly still present. Sam wasn't sure she could handle all three.
~God, I hate you,~ was her first thought, blunt and earnest.
*I'll keep in mind that I should let you die to avoid this reaction,* said Jolinar, who was obviously still trying to heal Sam.
~The sarcasm is not appreciated,~ snapped Sam.
*Neither is the ingratitude,* bit back Jolinar.
~You deserve little,~ said Sam bitterly. After a moment, the flare of anger faded to an ember. ~Okay, you deserve a bit. But I can give that and not have to be grateful for the chaos and trouble you brought into my life.~
*At least you have one,* said Jolinar.
~For how long?~
*We need to focus on the present, not the future,* said Jolinar brusquely. *After you lost consciousness, I used your left arm to halt the bleeding in the bullet wounds on your side. One struck a rib high on your right side, the other imbedded itself lower down in the tissue, though not in any organ. The bullet that grazed your shoulder did enough damage that I couldn't use it until after stopping the bleeding, and then repairing the nerve damage. That's all I've been able to do so far, so we have a long road before you start demanding what my future plans are.*
~All right, all right~ said Sam. ~Where's the Stargate?~
*I crawled to the tree-line for safety,* said Jolinar. *No one's come through, there's no immediate danger, so please be silent while I do my work.*
Sam felt like a child being rebuked, and her rebellion began to grow strong—but her common sense was still ruling, and she bit everything down. Of course, it would have been easier to actively rebel; the pain was so great, and her doubt and worry was turning to despair. They were free, but where would they go? And once Jolinar took a new host, how would Sam get back? She couldn't go directly without a good GDO, a ship would take years without hyperspace, which she was pretty sure was only on ships too large for her to acquire, and there were no allies with GDOs that she could remember. The best course of action would be to seek out an SG team on a mission, but that would be random guessing—it could take years.
And then what? They wouldn't—couldn't—welcome her with open arms. There would be hundreds of tests, weeks at least of confinement, and a possibility that she would never be allowed in the SGC again. After all, she would have been taken by the enemy, a highly advanced enemy, and even if the symbiotic presence was gone, they could never know what had been done to her.
Even if they let her back to the base at all. They might just suspect a spy or a tracking device or a bomb or some other trap, and shoot her on sight or keep her locked up indefinitely. No, she was well and truly screwed at every turn. And she could have avoided it by staying in the SGC, or at least some of it. But then she would almost surely be dead, and was that really better?
*No,* put in Jolinar, and Sam bit back a resentful protest at the invasion of—well, the symbiote couldn't help that there was no privacy.
~Do you have any estimate on how soon I'll be able to move again?~ asked Sam wearily.
*Many hours. And even then, not for long. Another trip through the Stargate, and then at least a day of bed-rest. I am growing incredibly fatigued at tending to the stress put upon the healing tissue and stitches.*
~But there's no food, no shelter here,~ said Sam. ~So what planet will we go to?~
*The Tok'ra home-world, of course,* said Jolinar. *There you can be properly healed.*
Sam felt a burst of panic, but she suppressed it. ~I don't think I trust you that far.~
*You'd rather stay here? The ashrak may know this address. He is planning his course carefully, so the delay is only temporary.*
~If he survived at all,~ countered Sam. ~But just because I cooperated with you for a short time doesn't mean I trust you. Far from it—I have absolutely no way to fully confirm your story. ~
*As if you could defend yourself if I was false,* snorted Jolinar. *I am growing equally weary of your attitude. Thankfully you will see it proved false shortly.*
Sam had to admit—her suspicions had not seen any evidence, at least not recently. But she was a skeptic, and wouldn't let her guard down.
*Suit yourself,* said Jolinar as no protest came from Sam.
There being nothing to be on guard against at the moment, Sam tried to focus on ignoring the pain. She had never been good at meditation, but thankfully the weakness of her body served her well, and she drifted off to sleep.
She didn't dream, again, and woke up with a yawn and—she realized she was in control. In fact, she couldn't really feel Jolinar at all. ~Uh, Jolinar?~
*So now you wake?* The symbiote sounded just a bit testy.
~What were you doing?~
*I cannot heal you any further without sustenance and rest, which you so graciously disturbed.*
~Hey, as if I can control when I wake up.~ Sam discovered that she felt the pain less now, and was able to sit up relatively well. Carefully, she moved her right arm. The barely healed wounds stretched, but she felt relatively all together. ~Thanks,~ she said sincerely. ~I thought I was going to lose it.~
*You did,* said Jolinar bluntly, but Sam couldn't bring herself to be ruffled at the symbiote's lack of tact.
~So, can we get this over with?~ asked Sam. ~What happens when we reach your home-world and I'm fully healed?~
*I will request a new host, as I promised,* said Jolinar.
~So, this might be over in a matter of days?~ asked Sam hopefully.
Jolinar kept a brooding silence for a moment, and Sam's heart sunk.
~Okay, what's wrong?~ she asked.
*I cannot leave you for another week at least,* said Jolinar.
~What, why?~
*It is a dangerous and weakening process, to take a new host,* answered Jolinar. *I have spent most of my strength healing you so many times, and even once you are fully healed and I am recovered, my departure is not an easy or pleasant prospect.*
Sam's mind got flashes of images, of the physical form of Jolinar and how she was literally blended in with Sam's spine. It was disturbing, and Sam didn't want to think of it, but she thought she might understand. ~So, it actually rips part of you to leave a host?~ she asked.
*To put it simply. It is not good for a symbiote to remove to a new host more than once in a year, let alone the time we have spent. It has never been done. I may die.*
Sam didn't say anything. A piece of her was ready to leap to say 'oh, don't risk your life, I don't expect you to leave so soon'—and a deeper piece was still so full of disgust that she couldn't fully stomach the prospect of having Jolinar in her head any longer than necessary.
But was guilt necessary? ~I—I don't want you to die,~ Sam offered. It was weak, but it was all she could give.
*That's a change,* said Jolinar, and Sam could almost see an imaginary eyebrow rise.
~I think we can work something out,~ said Sam, growing a little bolder. ~Besides, if you died while I was with your people, I doubt they'd let me go free and clear.~
*You have much to learn of the Tok'ra, then,* said Jolinar, less pleased.
Sam was a little surprised, but had nothing further to say.
*You should sleep again,* said Jolinar. *I will finish with the necessary repairs, and then we will be on the move.*
~Good, I hate waiting,~ said Sam. It took her a few minutes to stop thinking about all the complications they had been discussing, but she was well ready for rest again.
ooooooo
"What do you mean, she's gone?" said Jack, hands on hips as they all assembled in the control room.
"She knocked out the guards, and apparently disappeared through the gate before we got the ashrak," explained Daniel.
"Apparently?" asked Jack.
"Well, no one actually saw her, but there wasn't anywhere else to go," said Daniel with a heavy sigh. "And there was blood on the ramp, but the ashrak wasn't wounded—well, not then anyway."
"This is just great," ground out Jack.
"Do we know to which planet Jolinar took CaptainCarter?" asked Teal'c.
"No," said Daniel, disappointed. "She must have used Sam's knowledge to block the computer from logging the planet."
"And the ashrak was the only one in the room to see the address?" asked Hammond.
"Yes," said Daniel. "We have someone reviewing the security footage, but she was efficient in every other way, so I doubt they'll get much."
"Not that I blame whoever killed that bastard, but..." Jack trailed off. "What were you doing near the gate room, Daniel?"
"I thought it was the most likely place for the ashrak to go, after I saw that Jolinar had been released somehow. I thought he might have kidnapped her to escape through the Stargate," said Daniel. "Where did you go?"
"Towards a different exit," said Jack grimly. "What a botch-up this was!"
"Let me get this straight," said Hammond, stepping forward between the two. "This Jolinar has been wounded, and has escaped through the gate to some unknown planet?"
"Yes sir," said Daniel.
"Then the first thing we need to do is change SG-1's GDO code, and any other codes that Carter might have known," said Hammond.
"And then?" asked Daniel.
"There's nothing we can do then, Dr. Jackson, other than continue the working of this facility," said Hammond grimly.
"So what, we leave her behind? Declare her MIA?" asked Daniel. "That's it?"
"What do you want, Daniel, a memorial service?" asked Jack.
"God, no," said Daniel earnestly. "But she's out there..." and he trailed off, as he could see in the others' faces the word they were failing to say. Like Sha're.
"I'm sorry Daniel, but we can't do anything," said Jack more softly, coming forward and putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Isn't that just becoming the theme of my life," muttered Daniel, trying hard to swallow down the emotion.
"CaptainCarter will be much missed during her absence," said Teal'c, dipping his head respectfully.
"Yeah, thanks for the optimism,Teal'c," said Daniel with a weak smile.
"We'll find her," promised Jack, but Daniel wondered if it was meant for him or for Jack.
"All teams will be advised to only zat Captain Carter if they come across her," said Hammond. "We aren't giving up yet, Dr. Jackson. We'll do what we can."
"Sir, about SG-1?" asked Jack seriously.
"You'll need to find a new member," said Hammond. "But there's no need now—you'll be on stand-down for a week. You're in no shape to go out on a mission yet."
"Thank you, sir," said Jack.
Hammond nodded, and marched off to give further orders. Daniel stood, looking out over the gate room where already things were being cleaned up. The ashrak, zatted twice by a marine who came on the scene just a few seconds late to see anything useful, was being removed to a science lab. And there was blood being cleaned up—not a lot, but it was Sam's.
"We should go eat somewhere tonight," put in Jack.
"I would be most interested in seeing one of your planet's 'restaurants'," said Teal'c.
Daniel looked at them both and understood. They were warriors—they couldn't do anything other than repression. It wasn't Daniel, but he could handle it. For now. "That sounds good," he offered.
Jack looked relieved, and nodded. "O'Malley's it is."
And the rest of SG-1 went off to their other duties, feeling less like a team than they ever had.
ooooooo
Sam was surprised to wake up feeling significantly better. It couldn't just be the lessening of pain, it must be that she knew where she was going. She couldn't look further than that, and if she looked closely enough she didn't even want to go where she was going, but she knew. Things were so far gone that this was enough.
~Well, Jol?~ she asked in a brighter tone than she had ever used around the symbiote.
*Jol?* asked Jolinar in utter disbelief.
Sam felt like Colonel O'Neill, and was quite amused. ~What, are you always called Jolinar?~
*Yes,* answered Jolinar.
~Do you mind Jol?~ asked Sam in a half-curious half-innocent tone.
There was a pause. Then, *If I answer yes, it will only further encourage you.*
Sam bit back a mental laugh. ~You're starting to understand, I get it. But you haven't answered.~
*If it signifies that you do not hate me, I do not care,* said Jolinar.
~I think you do, but never mind. Let's get on with it, shall we?~ As Jolinar was still in control, she responded by standing up and moving towards the gate. Sam thought she might have sensed confusion from the symbiote, as well as a little suspicion. Well, it was her fault if she hadn't figured out that Sam could be good natured if she was confident of the outcome. Not that Sam was overly confident...but her worries could be suppressed for the moment.
Jolinar's stride across the field was slow and steady, marked by occasional stumbling as muscles gave way. Sam was definitely weaker than she was comfortable with.
~Janet would kill me if she knew I was moving about in this condition,~ thought Sam with a pang of regret. She already missed the sprightly female doctor, not to mention Daniel and Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c.
*I promise you, you will return to your friends if it is at all possible with the resources of the Tok'ra,* said Jolinar, hearing her melancholy thoughts.
The funny thing was, this time Sam was ready to believe her. Believe that she would try, anyway.
As they reached the gate, Jolinar stopped for a moment and just stared at the DHD. As Sam began to wonder, she suddenly closed her eyes, leaving Sam equally as blind. Then Sam felt Jolinar stretch out her hand and press the buttons on the DHD for an address.
~What are you doing?~ asked Sam, somewhat confused, though thinking she might guess the answer.
*It will go more easily for you if you do not know our gate address,* said Jolinar.
Feeling a little cheated, Sam grudgingly understood the procedure.
The kawoosh burst, and Sam felt that Jolinar's emotion made her heart beat a little faster. It was very strange, her body answering the commands of two minds almost at once. Then they stepped through. The planet on the other side was a desert wasteland, empty of everything in sight.
*Home,* thought Jolinar in a longing whisper, to herself and not to Sam.
Sam looked around in some confusion, but at least one suspicion was gone—Jolinar had been sincere in her desire to go home.
*Let's go—my people will have seen us and will be here shortly,* said Jolinar, though, not allowing herself more than a moment of relief.
~Here we go,~ thought Sam as they stepped forward.