Chapter 12 - Goals
The next morning was almost like one of Sam's memories of being on SG-1. Pre-mission prep, and then it was through the gate. Never mind that she had goodbyes to say, and never mind the desert around the gate and the brown leather suit she wore. It wasn't home-like, but it was leading her home.
On the first of many planets, there was a small party of refugees that the Tok'ra had relocated. They were quietly firm in allowing only certain privileges to Jolinar—the ground rules were to be respectful of their separateness from the Tok'ra and accept one 'no' as a final answer.
"Are you going to die?" asked one of the small children with wide eyes, as Sam emerged after Jolinar conveyed their mission to the young adults in charge of them.
"No, oh no," said Sam. "Jolinar just needs someone else."
"Why? Does she not like you?" asked the little one again.
"Hush," said one of the young women, putting a hand over his mouth.
"It's all right," said Sam. "No, Jolinar and I are all right, but we don't want to stay together forever."
Two of the young women shared a look, and then one spoke, "I know this sounds important, but, well, I don't know about Tria, but I'm looking forward to getting married. It doesn't seem like that's going to be an option—do Tok'ra marry?"
"Yes," said Sam slowly. "But Jolinar is already married, so her next host will be a part of that."
Her companion thoroughly dissuaded, Tria looked possibly more so, but she asked, "Is he handsome?"
"Well, yes," said Sam, coloring a little. "Martouf and Lantash are very nice in many ways."
The two women shared another look, and inwardly Sam sighed. She knew it was a lost cause.
On to the next world, the next chance at fixing this.
ooooooo
"Dr. Mckay," said Daniel in surprise, as the somewhat shorter scientist drew up beside him in the hallway.
"This is the way to the ready room, right?" asked Mckay.
Daniel nodded.
"I need you to know something, Dr. Jackson," said Mckay as they walked. "I didn't want this job, and I'm not sure I still do. I only accepted because these idiot military types don't respect anyone who doesn't carry a gun and go out in the field, and it's difficult getting the respect I deserve. I decided that the inconvenience of missions will be outweighed by the opportunity—that's all."
"Okay," said Daniel, eyebrows as high as they could go.
"So I'm not going to be all gung-ho about these missions," said Mckay. "And I'm counting on you to be on my side if I need to stand up for proper time for off-world science."
"You know, I know and respect Jack," said Daniel, a little crease in his forehead.
"Right, but scientific advancement is more important than personal relationships," said Mckay, a little out of breath as he kept up with Daniel. "You wouldn't let a once-in-a-lifetime event slide aside because he didn't think it was worthy."
"No, but that isn't likely to happen," said Daniel.
"We'll see, then," said Mckay.
Daniel sighed, but continued walking.
ooooooo
"But there are none who are near death," said the young woman, her eyes flitting to either side in case someone was listening.
"It doesn't have to be like that," said Sam in a near whisper. This planet was still visited by the Goa'uld, and only Jolinar's savvy had led them to the small resistance. "Anyone can be a host."
"But why are you not staying? What is so wrong?" asked the woman.
Sam ran her hand through her hair, exhaling slowly. "It's not anything in particular," she said. "Just that my life was interrupted for this, and I would like it back."
"But if I must give up my life, why would I do so?" asked the woman, still holding herself a little withdrawn from Sam and her strange proposals.
"You want to fight the Goa'uld, right?" asked Sam. "With Jolinar, you could do so for the next several hundred years."
The woman wavered, but still held back. "But she would be in my body, in my head? That's not the same as fighting with someone."
Sam continued offering up the benefits of being a Tok'ra, how the companionship was dear to many hosts, how close the two could become. But she knew she wasn't doing a good job, knew she couldn't. She was giving all this up, all that she barely knew enough about to propone—this was not going so well.
Still, even when the woman refused, there were other planets and other people to see.
ooooooo
"Yes, finally," said Jack when Daniel and Mckay finally entered.
Teal'c stood to the side, hands clasped behind his back and quizzical eyes on the proceedings. Major Dixon stood just behind Jack's left shoulder at military ease, which Daniel thought looked almost as bad as military attention. All three men stood lined up, and for the first time since the original mission Daniel felt out of place. He might have to take Mckay up on that offer of a pseudo-alliance, assuming the man could keep his ego in check.
"I see you received your basic set," said Jack, nodding to Mckay's green pants and black t-shirt. "Your jacket and zat are in a locker with your name. I've heard you have no experience with them." His tone was crisp, like nothing he had used on Daniel or Sam—Daniel assumed that this was the Jack O'Neill of the black ops, a leader worthy of promotion.
"I don't see the point of giving me a weapon," said Mckay.
"When you're the last one standing after a surprise attack, you'll want it," said Major Dixon.
Jack grunted. "Major Dave Dixon, this is Dr. Mckay."
"Dr. Rodney Mckay," said Mckay, not anywhere near offering his hand to Dixon. And Dixon looked just as likely to do so.
"These are the rules, team," said Jack. "#1, I am in charge. No matter what your impression of this base is, it is run by the U.S. Military and I am in charge of this portion of that. #2, there is no touching or interfering with alien life or technology, unless you are the team leader. I don't care how cool it looks, or how friendly it seems. #3, there is no shooting of alien life without provocation. Not my rule, actually, but the U.S. Military's. If there's provocation, go ahead."
"But try to avoid it," put in Daniel.
"#4," continued Jack, "we leave when I say we're done. My definition is easier than yours—and I don't care."
"Funny, I don't remember being told these before," said Daniel with an almost pained smile. "But I guess I learned them in any case."
Mckay was tapping a foot and fiddling his fingers. He had actually turned his back on Jack during the rules for a second, to grab his jacket and belt. They looked uncomfortable on him, even after Jack had withheld the helmet.
"Dr. Mckay, do you understand the rules?" said Jack shortly.
"I understand your expectations," said Mckay. "But I assume you know that rules change in emergencies." He lifted his eyes to stare boldly at Jack.
Jack responded in kind, a wide-eyed stare of some disbelief mixed with frustration. Daniel and Teal'c watched curiously, and Daniel thought he could guess what was going on in Jack's mind. Here was someone who was just as rebellious to the establishment, but Jack couldn't agree with him—not least because Mckay's idea of the establishment included all things military.
"If we die because you broke one of my rules in a supposed emergency, I will hold it against you forever," Jack said finally, with a fierce glare. "And it'll be worse if we only almost die."
Mckay frowned and opened his mouth, but then shut it quickly.
"Sir, we should establish a chain of command before it becomes necessary," said Dixon.
"I'm first, you're second, Daniel and Teal'c are equal if it comes to that," said Jack. Before Mckay could respond, he said, "It'd better not come to that, but if it does, I like experience on my side."
There was a pause. Daniel had slipped on his jacket, just to fit the scene, and now they were all in team attire. It didn't look right, and it didn't fit, but at least they matched.
"Okay, back to whatever you have to do," said Jack with a sigh. "Mission in 46 hours, 0800—you know where and what to do, don't screw up."
As they all started putting the extra equipment back, Daniel shot a glance to Jack. He was going to miss the old Jack, he knew—hopefully this regression into generic military leader wouldn't last long.
ooooooo
Sam and Jolinar returned to the Tok'ra complex late. With nothing close to success, Sam felt worn and empty. She had to keep reminding herself Jolinar's description of how much trial and error would be needed, that they would reach their goal eventually, that it was a surety not a possibility.
~Not exactly the place I like to go after a long day,~ sighed Sam after the usual set of long tunnels to her and Jolinar's room.
*You need something other than food and bed?* asked Jolinar. *What?*
~Comfort,~ said Sam. ~Don't you understand that at least? A warm soft couch, some old black-and-white rerun, a mug of hot chocolate...~
*I don't understand,* admitted Jolinar. *But if it is a comfortable seat you want, there is a relaxation room.*
~I'll try that,~ said Sam hopefully.
Jolinar led her to a candlelit room with many beanbag-shaped chairs, if a little more stylish, full of warm vanilla and spice scents, and Sam sighed long and slowly. Jolinar didn't get it still, but after giving Sam control she didn't have to. Sam lowered herself slowly into the deep and supportive cushion, leaned back, and closed her eyes. No Hitchcock, but oh well.
ooooooo
Daniel was surprised at how fast the days flew until their next mission—and how long that mission seemed to take. Ending up on a prison planet was something he expected someday, but being sent to one? Well, in all his naïveté, that had never crossed his mind.
"Of course this happens," muttered Mckay after Jack and Teal'c made a path through the dangerous looking criminals. "It's like the universe is reminding me why I didn't want this post."
"We'll get out somehow," assured Daniel through partly clenched teeth. "We always do."
"So far," reminded Mckay.
Even the cold fusion plant only excited him for a few moments, followed by a diatribe to Daniel in private about how they couldn't trust this Linea.
"You don't have any proof," said Daniel. "And, she's not going to trust us if we don't show any likewise," said Daniel.
"And that says it all!" hissed Mckay. "She knows what kind of technology she has, I can see it, and she's using us."
"Why be so automatically suspicious?" asked Daniel.
"Hello, prisoners?" said Mckay sardonically.
Reluctantly, Daniel handed his insistent comrade over to Jack—only to find that Jack agreed with Mckay. It wasn't too difficult to play up the tentative trust they were forced to give her, hiding their true intentions. And when Linea tried to sabotage their base and failing that, escaped, Daniel had to sigh. It was part a relieved sigh, because Mckay's paranoia had saved them and earned a little of Jack's trust; but it was part resigned, because Daniel knew Mckay would never let him forget that he'd been wrong this time.
ooooooo
Three days later and Sam was about as irritable as Jolinar on any day but a really good one. So many planets, so many possible candidates, and so many different rejections. Sam was nearly able to predict from the first few words which kind it would be.
~I don't understand these people,~ she ranted on the way back home. ~What's the main issue, being unable to continue your former life? I had a life, a complex, busy, wonderful one. These people barely survive, living in near-constant fear. Why wouldn't they want to see all that the Tok'ra are?~
*You heard them, you know,* said Jolinar shortly.
~Okay, so Martouf and Lantash are a bit more to take than a simple loss of personal time,~ admitted Sam. ~But isn't there someone for whom this life would look like a dream come true?~
*Of course,* said Jolinar. *We haven't met her yet. But anyone who so hesitates at the beginning would be more likely to regret the choice later, so we have lost nothing.*
Sam sighed again. They made their way to the mess hall first, and saw Martouf and Sha're sitting in Jolinar's favorite section. Even in the dullish light of the tunnel systems, Sha're's golden skin glowed with the contentment that this time among the Tok'ra gave her. Finding out quickly who were solidly allies, she had stuck close to them and fought hard for her rights, and the rest of the Tok'ra had backed away and given healthy respect.
"Sa'm," said Sha're, catching sight of her and flashing her bright smile.
"Hey," said Sam, sitting down.
"No success?" said Martouf sympathetically, reading the weariness on her face.
"I'd really rather not talk about it," said Sam with a tight smile.
"There is good news today," said Sha're, giving her a kind look.
"Anise was...convinced...that she only needed to do a simple ultrasound," said Martouf, the hint of a twinkle in his eye.
"And it is a son," said Sha're, squeezing Sam's hand. "My child is a beautiful son—oh, I have seen him and he is beautiful."
"That is good," said Sam, her expression loosening, lightening. "Now you can think of names—unless you want to wait for Daniel."
"Oh, do not speak to me of that man and names," said Sha're, rolling her large brown eyes. "He will fuss for hours over sounds and meaning, and the poor boy will be cursed with the result. No, he shall not be consulted."
Sam smiled. "That sounds like a good plan."
Sha're exhaled and put a hand to her belly. "Ooh—he is ready to sleep again, I believe." She smiled to Martouf. "Say to Anise that I knew that without her devices."
He smiled back, bowing his head in acknowledgment. Sha're rose and departed, the slight waddle to her step as endearing as her will to be hopeful under all circumstances.
"She has a most remarkable spirit," said Martouf fondly. "I hope this Daniel is worthy of her."
"As any mortal could be," said Sam with a tired grin.
"And how is your spirit?" he asked, nodding to her.
"I'll be fine," she said. "Jol hasn't been fussing, so I must be doing all right."
"You are accepting her scale of what is appropriate optimism?" Martouf asked, eyebrows high.
"Holy hannah, what's wrong with me," said Sam with a sigh.
"Whatever she's said to you, it cannot be enough to praise you for your fortitude," said Lantash, taking over for Martouf. "You have borne these trials well, Samantha Carter."
Sam smiled. "Thanks—even if Sha're outshines me by far."
"As do you outshine my Jolinar, in that area," said Lantash. "But we may all be glad to be judged on more than one scale."
Sam nodded, then mentally nudged Jolinar to tell her it was her turn. While they shared some sweet nothings, Sam withdrew to run over the day in her head again. Sha're was right even without saying a word, as she let go of all her problems with Anise by focusing on what the stubborn Tok'ra had done right. And though Sam easily acknowledged the achingly painful moments of the past few days, there had yet been those gems. The hearty hospitality of people who had little to spare, the laughter of children even living under oppression, the fire of spirit in young men who thought to fight for freedom—and the knowledge that even though she was stuck here, it was with those who could one day fight with her to keep all those wonderful people alive.
ooooooo
"No, that was the worst day of my life," said Mckay as he impatiently stripped in the locker room. "I mean, it's like the universe takes it as a challenge!"
"Right, Rodney, because watching your parents die over and over is nothing compared to what you went through," said Jack.
"Leave it alone, Jack," said Daniel grimly.
"Okay, but that was just grief based on memories," argued Mckay. "I had to relive my worst nightmare because the stupid alien thought it was a real memory! It was genuine child-created horror, only much worse because it actually came to life! Full, vivid life!"
"Listen, you just don't get it," snapped Jack.
"Oh, as if you do!" said Mckay. "Have you ever been eaten by a giant white whale? Then I don't think you'll 'get it' either."
Jack was within two hairsbreadths of ripping out Mckay's throat for his arrogant oblivion, or so it seemed, when Daniel stepped in. Eyeing Jack to make sure he didn't do anything he'd get in trouble for even if he might not regret it, he glared at Mckay.
"It's obvious you have no idea what grief is, Rodney," he said in a quiet voice. Then with a final withering glance, he walked out of the room.
"Damn right," murmured Jack and followed.
As he continued walking, furious and heartbroken at the same time, Daniel heard Mckay and Teal'c behind them.
"What? What did I do?"
"You have been most insensitive, DoctorMckay—ColonelO'Neill and DanielJackson have lost ones that were dear to them and your comments trivialized those losses. I would suggest keeping your mouth shut for future reference."
Daniel walked quickly on, wanting to escape the others and their words. He thought it had been bad enough to walk down memory lane alone—but he hadn't counted on the power of Mckay.
ooooooo
This planet was quiet, its wet environment only good for a couple things, and so only the property of a minor Goa'uld who reluctantly checked up on rare occasions. The people were well aware that he wasn't a god, but most didn't have enough issues to revolt. Except for one...
"So, you go out and fight the really wicked ones?" asked the young man, Sorac. At this point, Jolinar had told Sam to stop recruiting him as her host and start recruiting him as a host in general—it was too good an opportunity to pass up.
"Well, some," said Sam. "Jolinar does, but many Tok'ra spend more time on the base."
"You like adventure, then," said Sorac, grinning.
"Jolinar does," said Sam slowly, adding, "but I do too, sometimes."
"When you go on missions, are you a small strike team or do you go more as an army?" asked Sorac, earnestly looking up into her face.
"Neither," said Sam, frowning. "The Tok'ra go as spies, and usually alone."
"Oh," said Sorac, his bubble plainly burst.
~I don't get it,~ said Sam. ~What's his problem?~
"So, you spend most of your time alone on missions?" asked Sorac. He glanced down, and then up again, face crestfallen.
*Good grief, he wants to join the Tok'ra for you,* thought Jolinar disgustedly.
~What?~ asked Sam.
*Look at him, he's captivated by your face, not your words,* said Jolinar. *And here I was thinking he might be a useful addition...*
Sam flushed slightly, and stammered out her answer. "Yes." She took a deep breath, eyed him pointedly, and continued: "You do realize I'm not a Tok'ra, right? I'm Jolinar's host, but once we find her a new one, I'm going back to my home."
Sorac's face fell even further, but there was a brightness a moment later. "Do your people have a military I could join?"
Sam sighed. This one she would actually have to dissuade.
ooooooo
"Finally," said Mckay. "Three planets of getting captured and getting tantalizing glimpses of interesting technology, and we finally get somewhere! No technology for us, of course...but do you ever do that?"
"Oh yes," said Jack. "Who do you think keeps all your pretty scientist friends busy? Not SG-3, I tell you!"
"They are not my friends," scoffed Mckay.
"We do have a pretty bad ratio," admitted Daniel, pondering. "Just looking recently, we could have had cold fusion, virtual reality..."
"A sarcophagus," added Mckay. Daniel flinched at that—he would rather forget that unfortunate incident. "And now, an Asgard battleship."
"Mothership," corrected Teal'c.
"Whatever," said Mckay.
"We get more than our fair share of sticky situations," said Jack. "It's not our fault."
"Indeed," said Teal'c. "From what I have seen of the other teams, the outcome would not have been better if any of them had faced similar situations."
"That's right," said Mckay, still lit up from the amazing Asgard technology. "We're good, you have to say that."
Daniel raised his eyebrows, looked to Jack, saw his "What?" look, and shrugged. Mckay had seemed predictable...maybe not?
ooooooo
Three and a half weeks. Trial and error, Jolinar had said, and Sam had repeated it 24 times at least. How easy it was for her to be patient when it was science, but each day at this tiresome search was another day away from her science. Sometimes, at her most desperate, Sam wished she could just compromise with Jolinar so she could have one day at the search and the next playing with Tok'ra technology, and so on. But the Tok'ra had been clear, limited sharing of knowledge unless one was committed—Sam had already learned more than was generally allowed.
And then the sight of Sha're, even more incredibly pregnant now, would remind her of all she had left behind. What had SG-1 done without her? Were they even alive? God, how she missed them! And that meant she couldn't slow down, couldn't lessen her efforts until they found that elusive perfect host.
One good thing was, they had recruited a host in general—quiet, serious, not very interesting, but very firm and loyal. Even had Jolinar wished to change genders, she was unimpressed by his personality, and so he was a clear reject. But not for all—it was only a few days later when they received word from a distant post of a Tok'ra near death, and by chance did they have any hope for him? Young Brana was happy to be joined at last, and the Council, a little frustrated at how much time Jolinar was spending away from the field, was satisfied and pleased with her for now.
But proud as that made Sam feel for a little while, in the long term it did her little good. The only thing that helped in that area were Sha're and Martouf and Lantash. The former, simply someone to share some things with that no one else could understand, not unlike Daniel had been to her. The latter—well, that was more complicated. There had been an unspoken agreement that they were hopelessly attached to Jolinar, and since that meant that Sam was right smack in the middle of all of it, there was no point in staying awkward about it. So in between more intimate conversations with Jolinar, Lantash had gotten into a habit of poking at the bubble Sam always raised around herself at those times with questions and even teasing. And sometimes, when he said something a bit blunt or shocking, Martouf would be there with something to lighten the air. They couldn't remove all the awkwardness, but the friendship they sought to cultivate with Sam grew at a steady rate.
There were only a few other Tok'ra that Jolinar ever spent time with, and so few that Sam knew well. She had never had a wide social circle, though, so that wasn't a big concern for her. Or rather, it wasn't when they didn't give her rather odd looks. Every so often, Sam would feel that the other Tok'ra were well aware of her anomalous status on the base, and were both curious and disapproving of it. It wasn't like Sam had wanted to be in this limbo, though, so she quickly pushed it aside and focused on the mission.
Surely any day would be the day. Surely. What would she do if the time came and Sha're was the only change she could show to Daniel? Kasuf, who judged quickly, was now on her side—but Daniel didn't let anyone convince him without reason. And so the cycle continued, frustrating Jolinar, as Sam went from weariness to renewed resolve, back to weariness, and then to resolve again.
ooooooo
It scared Daniel that this last mission he had not thought of Sam at all. Sure, only a week and a half previously, O'Neill being pinned to a wall by a mysterious alien device, leaving Daniel forced to work side-by-side with a more paranoid than usual Mckay, had him feeling the loss keenly. But not this one—it wasn't the usual mission, of course, and Mckay had fussed for a moment why they all needed to go to rescue Teal'c's son. But just for a moment—one sight of Teal'c's determined face would do that to anyone, and Daniel suspected by now that some of Mckay's bluster was just for show.
He had to leave that grief behind for the moment, though, and face another one. Sha're. So certain of success, he had promised Kasuf that he would return in a year, and he had fully meant that Sha're would be with him. Well, an Abydonian year was almost past, and he was going to go back even more empty-handed than how he had left. He hadn't given up hope, but it was still an extreme blow to the confidence he had been building up since Sam's loss.
Sam and Sha're, both lost out there and waiting to be found. Kasuf would have to know that, know how much he wanted and intended to find and bring them back. It wasn't like he could forget about it, even on the most interesting mission. One more loss, and Daniel's entire mission through the Gate would be the eventual rescue of lost loved ones.
ooooooo
*It is almost upon us,* said Jolinar one evening. *All that you have been planning towards.*
~And Sha're has not given birth yet,~ said Sam.
*Don't veer from the point!* said Jolinar. *You know what you are feeling.*
~We haven't found a host, and it's been almost two months,~ said Sam darkly.
*I would not have put much hope in something better,* said Jolinar. *Our experience has not been more difficult than usual.*
~I know, I just thought luck would be on our side,~ said Sam.
*Luck,* said Jolinar, rolling her eyes. *But if you do believe in it still, perhaps it will show favor to you when you see your friends again.*
~One can only hope, right?~ said Sam wryly.
*We will survive, whatever happens,* said Jolinar. *And if nothing else, surely Daniel and Sha're will be united again.*
~That won't be enough for me, I'm afraid,~ admitted Sam.
*I know,* said Jolinar. *And I won't quit either. I have not failed yet, and I don't plan to.*
Of all the times she had said something similar, this time Sam most felt like she should believe Jolinar, and yet was most unsure of what she could do. Almost two months gave one plenty of time to think, worry, prepare—circumstances weren't ideal, but mentally, Sam was as ready as she ever would be to see her friends again.