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Ch.8 Now She's In Me, Always With Me,Tiny Dancer in My Hand
Kendall
I still don't understand how they could have done this to me, how my mom didn't know, how James never told what had happened. My father was a monster, they were all monsters and feeling like I had nothing left to turn to I fell in with those who could help me find a way to escape from reality, the drugs. My best friends were the needle and the foil, snorting did the job for a few times but then I started smoking the crank instead of inhaling it and when I needed to go low as low as I could get I'd shoot up a few needles full of heroin. Crank was my favorite though it was the only way I could escape from life it helped me forget the memories that haunted my dreams and kept me up so I never had to sleep again. I loved the rush that being high gave me. Logan and Carlos didn't talk to me much anymore unless to pull me into a mock intervention lecture. I didn't care if I died, they didn't understand. If I died it would finally end the pain. So I'm not sure how I can put this into words, but let's just say back in the day when I was younger my mom and dad were together, and I can remember 6 almost perfect Christmas days before the big D word was brought out and thrown on the table. I was five years old when he started hurting me. I sat down on the bathroom floor my back against the tub lighter and foil on the ground in front of me. Paper and pen in my hands. I had to write I couldn't stop until I'd written every last detail. I want him to pay for what he did to me I want her to pay for not being able to protect me.
I cry on the bathroom floor and decide it's time for more, I pour the contents of the bag onto the foil and heat it with the lighter inhaling the smoke with a straw. I instantly feel my rush flow through my body I keep myself locked inside this small bathroom.
I'm laying in my bed at the hotel it's dark in the room, Dad's on a business trip and he decided to take me with him, he wants me to see parts of the world outside of Minnesota. We're in New York City, Mom's at home. I feel the blankets lift off of me the cold air rushes onto my skin I'm only 7 years old. His rough hands touch me and run through my hair telling me I'm beautiful and that if I'm quiet he's going to take me to see the Yankees game tomorrow night, I'm more into hockey than baseball and he knows it but he wants to see the game too. He touches me...in that place between my legs. He tells me to relax as I panic, I open my mouth to scream but his hand covers it. He holds me down as he does the deed. I'm in pain I can tell I'm bleeding already but not too badly. All I remember is waking up the next morning, in pain and feeling dirty. I haven't had any kind of education on this subject but I know what he did to me was wrong, but it's my fault.
Clean air flooded my lungs as I finished smoking the crystal meth, but the flashback destroyed me cutting deep into my emotional wall, it shattered bricks and I collapsed in its' wake to the floor of the bathroom, passing out as my head hit the hard tile. I felt arms around me when I finally woke up, I was on the couch it was my mom's arms around me and there was another voice, James was there and he'd been crying I could tell it from the sound of his voice. A warm blanket covered over me keeping me safe and defending against the cold air inside the house. James spoke in whispers to my mom. My mom was holding me close to her chest. " Kendall, I know what's going on" she said " We're going to help you" James Said I felt him reach down and run his hand through my hair. I didn't know what to feel at that moment and suddenly I slipped back into unconsciousness.
I woke up in the cold of early morning and made my way into the bathroom, I was in pain it felt like my nasal passage was swollen and raw. My nose was running and I grabbed a tissue to stop the steady flow of mucus, I leaned over the toilet and heaved the contents of my stomach which were mostly acid over into the toilet, I must have bought a bad batch of crystal. I washed my face off and brushed my teeth before getting into a hot shower. I drank a redbull that morning to avoid crashing, I'd need a refill in the next few days I'd have to call my drug hookup guy Tom and see if he could get me something from a different seller. Crashing was the worst thing that could happen to me, but it had to happen sometimes and I'd have to sleep and deal with the nightmares. I put on a white shirt and my blue denim jacket bundling up tight with a scarf before going out the door with my cell phone. I dialed the number and Tom answered the phone on the last ring. "Man, I was fucking sleeping, what the fuck do you want" he yelled into the phone yawning, his voice full of bitterness. " I got a bad batch from Luiz and I'm looking to get a good batch I know your stuff has always been great" I said he laughed on the other end of the phone "can you pay for it?" he asked " It'll be 150 up front and an extra 30 for callin' me this late at night man, I was sleepin' with my woman too" he said so in essence the extra charge would be for interrupting his nookie session. I walked three blocks west in the below zero winter air the rainwater on the ground had frozen into ice and the wind blew brown leaves against the hard ground. I met Tom outside and took the drugs from him while handing him the cash I drained from the band's bank account having a 24 hour convenient store around the corner helps you get 180 dollars at 4 in the morning. I returned home and decided to stash the drugs inside my pillowcase I'd run on redbull for now until it was time to crash then I would pull the crank from its' little baggie and snort just enough to keep me buzzed for the next day.