Chapter 22 - Confrontation

Per Sam's request, Jolinar did not stay around to watch Cordesh's extraction ceremony. Truth be told, Sam still felt a little traumatized about the whole thing after Sha're's close call, and maybe a lingering fear of the Goa'uld as well. So they went to clean up and calm down.

Cordesh's shot had left a streak of black soot in Sam's hair, and while washing it out, she noticed that her roots were showing again. Jolinar had dyed them for her a while back, but here they were again, showing just how much time had past. Her hair was definitely not regulation length anymore, even if it had occasionally been pushing it before all this. Sam sighed, and let Jolinar finish up. Despite her practicality in most areas, she had made no request to trim Sam's hair, which had Sam wondering what Rosha had looked like. She still hadn't breached that subject if it didn't come up naturally, and wasn't sure that Jolinar was ready for it. Jolinar just combed back her hair and pinned it with a circular band like a crown.

All fresh and clean, they went to check on Sha're. Walking to her section, though, there was no one around. The blankets were pulled up neatly over the bed as well, but there were diapers on the bedside table. Slightly confused, Jolinar looked around for Larys or Dorin, finally catching sight of the latter coming into the infirmary.

"Ah, Jolinar," she said, gravely. "You may know that Cordesh was removed and executed this morning. Sho'nar survived without damage, but he is sorely hurt by the loss of Kurlsa and this betrayal by Cordesh. I have sent him to spend time with Cordesh's former host Lensin."

Jolinar sighed, getting distracted for the moment. "This stain on the Tok'ra will not fade quickly," she said.

"We have always known that nothing was infallible," said Dorin. She paused, brow furrowing. "But what are you doing here, Jolinar? Were you injured?"

"No, I came to see Sha're and her child," said Jolinar. "Have they been moved?"

"They moved themselves, rather," said Dorin, the lines in her face smoothing out. "Sha're has been doing well today, so she wished to visit Selmak and Saroosh."

"You let her go that far?" asked Jolinar, frowning. Sam, too, was worried at the effort involved.

Dorin sighed again. "Unfortunately, it was not far at all. Saroosh has grown much worse since you last saw her, and I requested that she stay here so that we could keep close watch on her condition."

Jolinar bit her lip, but nodded.

"They are this way," pointed Dorin, and then walked off to continue her business.

Sam felt stricken at such news. They had only spoken a handful of times during her stay, but she had grown very fond of the quirky humor and wisdom of the old symbiote and her host. The thought of them ill was a blow. ~I thought Tok'ra didn't get sick,~ she said to Jolinar.

*This is not sickness,* said Jolinar, the strength gone for a moment from her voice. *Even the Tok'ra cannot live forever, since we do not use a sarcophagus. Eventually old age takes its toll.*

~What will happen to Selmak if Saroosh dies?~ asked Sam, worried.

*Without another host...* trailed off Jolinar.

There was a moment of silence, and then Jolinar walked swiftly off to where Dorin had indicated. There were not really rooms in a Tok'ra infirmary, just tunneled hollows that were more like sections. The crystal technology made them relatively soundproof, thus taking away the need for doors, and by now Sam had to admit that the openness wasn't too bad once you got used to it. In fact, it took away some of the awkwardness.

Turning around a corner, they found what they were looking for. Selmak and Saroosh were tucked up in bed, nearly sitting, but looking as if they couldn't have done it without the pillows. Sha're, with Shifu sitting on her lap and leaning back against her, was in one of the few swoop-backed chairs on the Tok'ra base. She looked at peace, and judging by the smile on Saroosh's face, their conversation had been beneficial to both.

"I have found you at last," said Jolinar, taking a stool so that she could sit near them both.

"Yes, Jolinar, this young lady has been keeping most agreeable company with me," said Saroosh. "Don't be jealous, but you are simply not here enough, and without you only your mate will speak to me without that reverence that makes conversation just that much dull. Lantash, that is; Martouf, I have no hopes for. So Sha're is most welcome."

"I am glad to hear of it, for both your sakes," said Jolinar, taking her seat.

"Ah, now see dear one," said Saroosh, leaning over a little towards Sha're. "If you hadn't noticed, Jolinar is quite good at hiding her true feelings."

Sha're smiled in response, glancing to Jolinar.

"Perhaps, but not in this case," said Jolinar, just barely fidgeting. "I expressed my entire opinion." Inwardly, Sam grinned; she liked Saroosh.

"Well, now that you have seen us, do you have another mission already planned?" asked Saroosh, changing the subject.

"Not at the moment," said Jolinar. "In fact, my only mission at the moment is to see you."

Saroosh snorted, leaning back into the pillows. "Oh, don't tell me that you have come to commiserate! Not only is that not your way, I tell you that I will not have it."

"Commiserate is not the word I would have chosen," said Jolinar.

"Of course not," agreed Saroosh amiably. She paused and closed her eyes, and then Selmak spoke. "Jolinar, your face is not merely frustrated by our teasing. What is troubling to you?"

Jolinar looked to Sha're, whose face grew a little more serious, then looked back at Selmak. "You heard of Cordesh?"

"The most recent news, do you mean?" asked Selmak. "Yes, unfortunately."

"I should have pressed for more caution in dealing with him when I first reported it to the Council," said Jolinar quietly, darkly. "I knew how underhanded he had been, how well he had lied."

This was the first Sam had heard of such doubts, and she listened quietly and intently.

"Hmm," said Selmak, watching Jolinar. "This sounds familiar."

"Really?" said Jolinar with a weary sigh. "And what does that mean?"

"Merely that I remember similar statements the last time we were in danger and you thought you should have known better," said Selmak. "Never minding that the very fact that you did not think as the Goa'uld was more favorable in the eyes of the Tok'ra."

"I do not live to be pleasing to the eyes of the Tok'ra," answered Jolinar back, "but to keep the cause safe."

Selmak just gave her a look.

"I did not wish to bring up such subjects," murmured Jolinar under her breath.

Sha're, who had been sitting silently, a little brooding, spoke up. "What of what we were speaking of before?"

"Where were we?" asked Selmak. "I am afraid that our minds can be distracted easily."

"About Shifu," said Sha're, glancing down at her son with a smile. "You said that the Tok'ra do not have children."

Since Jolinar had nothing to say, she quietly handed control to Sam. "I was actually curious about that myself," Sam said, smiling and hoping the tone would lighten.

"Yes, I have often noticed how attached hosts are to the frequent bearing of children," said Selmak, musing. "It is a common expectation, even if not all partake. We symbiotes are not sure why. For us, there are a few parents that bring forth many children, and that is all. We do not think so much in terms of family because of that, unless in the sense that members of a nation thing of each other as family."

"So you only know about our idea of children through sharing with your host," said Sam.

"Not only, there is some instinct among us as well," corrected Selmak. "But as you've seen," she added, looking to Sha're, "the idea of human children is not sacred to most symbiotes."

"Before you came, Saroosh told me of how she and Selmak helped a planet once, and there were many children," said Sha're, looking to Sam with a smile. "Selmak did not remember children, and did not know what to do."

"That was slightly embellished, I will have you know," said Selmak with a slight sniff. "I remembered that they were small, innocent, and fond of being held. I merely forgot exactly what age went with each size."

Sha're and Selmak, and later Saroosh again, continued talking for some time. Sam listened for a while, but grew distracted by Jolinar. She wasn't loud—on the contrary—but her silence held more than a lack of opinion. Sam had noticed and felt how strongly she had been determined to recapture Cordesh, and her confession to Selmak had cleared much up, but that only served to remind Sam of exactly what had taken place. Jolinar's behavior and what she had revealed of her history had always been a little intriguing, more so than the other Tok'ra who were free with their pasts, and Sam had a feeling that Jolinar had always pushed the boundaries. Her relationship with her symbiote was growing a little strained because of Jolinar's continual tight lip, and Sam had a feeling that Jolinar was still trying to make up for Sam's situation. But she needed to realize that keeping secretive was only making it worse for Sam.

Once Sam was done mulling over these points, she felt a bit of emotion coming from Jolinar and realized that her eyes were still on Sha're and Selmak, even though her mind was far away. It was a dark emotion, but with softness, and it felt like a mix of regret and worry. Sam recalled that not so long ago she would have known for sure—what was it on Abydos that had changed that? She was ready for answers.

Rising from her seat, she waited until Sha're and Saroosh, now in control, looked to her. "Sorry to be such company," she said with a wan smile. "Jolinar and I have other things on our minds; it would probably be best to take them somewhere else."

*We do?* asked Jolinar, a little absentmindedly.

~Yes,~ said Sam.

Sha're was bouncing a barely fussing Shifu on her lap. She tipped her head to one side, worry in her eyes. Sam made her smile a little wider, trying to say without words that it wasn't related to her or the Abydonians.

"Make sure you keep on your toes, Samantha," commented Saroosh with a significant look. "I don't want to see Jolinar moping around, here or elsewhere."

"If that word isn't enough to keep her from it, I don't know what is," said Sam warmly. Putting her stool back to one side, she went out of the infirmary and down towards their personal room.

*What is this?* asked Jolinar, now fully aware of what Sam was doing.

~Something I've been waiting to do, and can't wait any longer,~ she answered.

Jolinar's emotions were less guarded, and Sam could feel the slight apprehension and unsurety. It wasn't the right moment yet, though, so she held her own cards close. Finally, coming into their room, she sat herself neatly on the bed and crossed her arms. She was not giving up control of her body for this conversation.

*Yes?* sighed Jolinar, apparently without any clue to Sam's behavior.

~We've been together for over two months now, right?~ said Sam, but she didn't wait for the obvious answer. ~I'll admit, it's a good deal longer than I thought or wanted, but it's not like either of us could help that. I'm trying to make the best of it, but you know the one obstacle in my way? You.~

Jolinar was without words, perhaps a little stunned.

~I thought we had a rapport going, off on missions, moving around the base, working together. And then Abydos happened.~ Sam could feel Jolinar instantly tense just a little. ~I asked you then what the big deal was, and you didn't answer, and I thought it was because both of us were upset about the mistake we'd made. But that isn't the case, is it? No, because it's not just that the Goa'uld screwed things up, it's this particular Goa'uld. Quetesh. You said you knew her more personally, but you didn't say how or why. And then you've been behaving all weird and guilty about Cordesh, even though you didn't when you revealed him to the Council.~

Sam paused, secretly hoping Jolinar would take it from here, but only growing more determined when the symbiote was stubbornly silent.

~Well, I've had it up to here,~ Sam said shortly, standing up from the bed and slowly pacing the small room. ~I've put up with enough crap from you, and I want answers.~

*Crap,* repeated back Jolinar flatly. *Is that what you think of personal discretion? For one who wishes to maintain a little personal privacy, that statement seems hypocritical.*

~You said you'd tell me when it was necessary,~ countered Sam. ~So yes, I'm pushing it a little sooner, but I don't know what else to do.~ Sighing, she continued, ~Jolinar, I just want a little trust. We're supposed to be working together, but recently I've wondered how true that is. I feel like I'm being blocked at every turn; you used to be squarely on my side, but now?~

*It's not a matter of trust,* said Jolinar. *It never was.*

Sam felt the walls begin to crack, and so she held her mouth shut and waited, pacing.

*Fine,* Jolinar said at last. *You're right, you deserve to know.*

Sam's pacing slowed a little.

*Selmak once told you of how the Tok'ra came to be,* said Jolinar. *How Egeria turned from the path that the other queens followed, and bore children whose minds had not the evil memories of the Goa'uld. And she also told you how some very few Goa'uld were later turned likewise. I was one of the latter.*

Sam stopped, shocked. ~You...you're a Goa'uld?~

*Was,* said Jolinar. *For the first millennia of my life.*

~You're kidding me, right?~ asked Sam, sitting back down on the bed as she tried to collect her thoughts. This was just the old tactic of preparing someone by giving them the worst possibility first, then following with the lesser evil of reality, surely.

*On this subject, I am not flippant.*

No, that wasn't Jolinar's way was it. Except...Jolinar's way? ~So all this time, all your fiercer ways haven't been trying to be more independent of the Tok'ra, they're just your mistakes as you try to become one of them?~ Sam didn't know what she was thinking, and her tone came out accusing.

*I will never be 'one of them',* said Jolinar, fire in her voice. *They are who they are, not just because of what they believe, but because of the past they carry with them. I will not strive for the impossible.*

~Why didn't you think I should know this?~ was Sam's next question, as her thoughts began to order themselves. ~I knew nothing of the Tok'ra at first, I just thought you were a rogue Goa'uld, so why couldn't you just tell me the truth?~

*I am not a Goa'uld!* said Jolinar harshly. *Your terminology is limited because of your knowledge, but you should know that at least.*

~I do know that you all but deceived me,~ said Sam emphatically. ~You kept trying to convince me that there was no danger, despite Cordesh, and that you were all true to the cause because you knew no other way. Not a lie, but not the whole truth either.~

*What should I have said?* demanded Jolinar. *Your prejudices were already against me, and my hope was that I should be fully blended with another within the month and that you would have gone happily on your way. My new host would know all, but there was no need to reawaken your fears.*

Sam didn't have an immediate answer. Thoughts spinning in her head, she brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and resting her head in between them.

*Shall I now have to re-earn all your trust?* asked Jolinar bitterly.

~Just give me a minute,~ said Sam. She closed her eyes, thinking hard. That first feeling of terror when she realized Jolinar was in her body came back, flooding her memory. The invasion, the power, the capability for complete control; she had forgotten how strong had been her fear. It wasn't so strong now. She knew Jolinar, she understood her...or did she? This information explained so much, but in more detail than Sam had wanted. How she occasionally forgot the host, how she did what she thought was best and followed no law, how Lantash and Selmak carefully reminded her of things, how she was so comfortable giving orders and in gaudy dress, how she was often wanting control...

~How did it happen?~ asked Sam quietly after a moment.

Jolinar had pulled back a little, and her answer was equally distant. *I served Cronus, many centuries ago,* she began. *I was useful to him because I was independent, and did not follow his orders blindly. I also chose my hosts carefully, stolen from the elite slaves of other System Lords so that I might sift through their minds for information to help Cronus.*

It hurt Sam to hear this, but she didn't shrink back. Jolinar pressed forward, slowly, with painful pauses, but steadily enough.

*Eventually I grew curious, and in my spare time I looked through other memories. Elista, my last host from that time, was stronger than the others. I didn't fully suppress her because I wanted her information, but I counted too much on my own strength. She made me doubt, but I didn't notice at first. I asked her questions, and was surprised when she answered, always submissive but always with an answer. Then I heard of the Tok'ra. I had known before, but their existence had not made sense. Now, hearing of them again, it made all the more sense as I could hear Elista's thoughts. I do not know how long it took, but some day I realized that I could no longer convince either her or myself that I was the superior being.*

Sam's tightly wound ball of worries and fears slowly began to unwind as Jolinar let her story forth freely. She waited as Jolinar took a minute, and let her arms rest on her knees.

*It wasn't all in an instant. I came to some kind of understanding with Elista, but that didn't change anything else for a while. I left Chronus and served other lords, ones who seemed like they were more shrewd in their search for power, less brutal. But soon I could not keep the blinders over my eyes, and the arrogance and cruelty became clear in every action. And so I found my way here, just two and a half centuries ago, after much complication and danger.*

Sam nodded, digesting the last piece of information.

*I will understand if you wish to hasten your search for a replacement host,* said Jolinar when Sam had no comment, her tone painfully dark.

~Wait,~ said Sam, opening her eyes again. ~So, pretty much all on your own, you realized that your whole life was a mistake?~

*I will not deny, without Elista I would not have made the same progress,* said Jolinar.

~But you didn't need as much convincing as you might have,~ said Sam, following her own logic, even as it led her out of her comfort zone. ~And you certainly weren't forced.~

*That is correct,* said Jolinar.

~I guess I shouldn't have called you just a rogue Goa'uld,~ said Sam, taking a deep breath and reaching out with her mind across the breach that she and Jolinar had just created. ~You were more like Egeria than anything else, and I should have trusted that.~

*I wasn't perfect,* said Jolinar, hesitating before accepting Sam's metaphorically outstretched hand. *You were correct in that many of my mistakes are failures to amend old ways.*

~But you admit it,~ said Sam. ~You have been honest, just wary.~ She tried to convey her understanding through thought, and was satisfied when Jolinar came back from where she had withdrawn. No closer, but no farther away. ~Quetesh?~ she asked, continuing.

*An ally of mine, along with Athena and Amonet, for a time. It has been many centuries since that fell apart, but not so many since Quetesh and I were last at odds. It has been a regret of mine that I did not use my knowledge to finish her off while she still trusted me, or at least trusted me enough.*

Sam nodded, settling back against the headboard, resting her head upon it.

*Are you keeping your thoughts from me?* asked Jolinar, her tone suspicious.

~About the fact that you were a Goa'uld?~ asked Sam. ~I don't even know what my own thoughts are, let alone what I want to do about them. The only thing I know is: you've never purposely failed me, and I think I can trust you to continue that pattern.~

*Since that is all I can promise, I am satisfied,* said Jolinar.

~It is tough,~ admitted Sam.

*As it has been for me for longer than your lifespan,* said Jolinar. *I did not tell you before, not only to spare your fears but to spare myself having to retell my darkest memories.*

Sam hmmed, acknowledging. ~So, how are we going to infiltrate Quetesh?~

If Jolinar's quick response meant anything, Sam had a feeling she was glad to move on. *To that, I have given much thought. It will be difficult, as her territory is small and her Goa'uld lieutenants few, but there is one thing in our favor: Quetesh has taken herself as the god of sexual pleasures and their perversion.*

Sam waited, curious and concerned, leaving behind her conflicted thoughts.

*She places her female Jaffa in high positions. And such shall be our entry.*

Sam's eyebrows rose involuntarily, but at the same time her jaw set a little more into place. This wasn't just some flippant disguise mission, and it wasn't just an interesting scenario; at some point she had realized that these Tok'ra missions weren't just a novelty, they were the duty she had taken upon herself.

—

Author's notes: I did not make all this up. It was never mentioned in the show, but officially licensed Stargate products have the backstories of many of the minor characters of the show, including the fact that the reason Jolinar and Garshaw have a "of Malkshur" and "of Beloute" as surnames is because they were Goa'uld who proved themselves Tok'ra at battles of those names. Apart from that fact, the rest of the backstory is mine, however.