Chapter 34 - Movement

By Sam's reckoning they were only a few minutes from dropping from hyperspace when Jolinar broke the silence.

*Samantha, before we get back, may we discuss what happened?*

Sam eyes snapped open from where she had been resting, having almost forgotten for a second that Jolinar was there and might be feeling something different. ~Yes, I suppose,~ she sighed, closing her eyes but not moving from where she still sat leaning up against her father.

*I am worried about Sha're.*

Yet another point that Sam had almost forgotten. ~Surely she must realize that we did it for her own good.~

Jolinar sighed. *I do not think so. Whatever happened, there would have been much grief for her, but since we made the final choice for her, I believe her bitterness will be strong towards us.*

Sam had no rebuttal at hand, and felt the weight of all that had happened press more urgently on her. ~Jolinar, I really don't feel like talking about this.~

*I know, but what will you say when we report to the Council? To even neutral eyes it looks like we kidnapped yet another person of your world, with no ready way to get him back and make amends.*

Sam gritted her teeth. ~All right, you're not wrong; we need to talk about it. They're not going to be happy, are they?~

*Not in the least,* said Jolinar. *Although, your father's apparent level of understanding may soon rise to be on level with yours when you first spoke to them; perhaps he can soothe their reaction.*

~You don't understand,~ Sam answered. ~My dad...he's going to have to go straight to the infirmary, and there's a chance that he may not make it through the night. That's how bad this is.~

Jolinar paused. *I am sorry, I did not realize.*

~I'm just hoping that your healing devices can help with cancer.~

There was no answer from Jolinar, but Sam couldn't guess what it meant.

*You never spoke much of your family before; I did not realize how you felt about them,* Jolinar said. *It was a shock to feel your reaction today.*

~I guess that is a big landslide of information,~ Sam acknowledged. ~Dad and I used to be close after my Mom died, but when I went into classified work, it became harder and harder to see him. With the Stargate program...well, he didn't really believe the cover story, so I avoided making him think about it. I think he might have thought that I had started to agree with Mark.~

*Your brother?* Jolinar guessed from the tone of her thoughts.

~Yes, but Dad doesn't talk to him and he doesn't talk to Dad, and I'm considered on the watch list with him because I do.~

*Hmm.*

~I guess it means more to Dad than I thought, if he was this adamant about getting to me before, before it was too late,~ Sam continued, finding some catharsis even in the uncomfortable thoughts. ~Although I've never seen him this out of things, not vying for control. It's like he had no idea what he was in for.~

*Would any one of your team?*


~No, I guess not. This isn't the sort of thing they get briefed for; I'm probably lucky Dad could be focused at all in this situation. I just wish...never mind.~

*No secrets, Samantha. If I am to know this man, I need to know where he's coming from.*

~That's not what I meant,~ Sam said reluctantly. ~I meant that I wish, foolishly maybe, that the people I thought were becoming my family had been that...really, it is a 'never mind' kind of thought.~

*It is not,* Jolinar answered firmly. *Your team abandoned you; acknowledge it.*

Sam felt like she should have been more outraged at that, but the most she could muster was some discomfort. ~I don't think they thought about it that way.~

*That is the point. They trusted you when they had no reason to do otherwise. That is normal. But when it became doubtful, where did that trust go?*

Sam's jaw stiffened. ~Daniel wasn't ready to believe me on Abydos, but he made it seem like he would try if I brought more proof. Except that wasn't it at all; they made up their minds and didn't even give us a chance. Damn, Jolinar, how could they betray me like that? How could Daniel? I'm trying to see it from his side, but I just can't.~ Sam felt her stomach clench up even as she thought she was calming her emotions down.

*I'm sorry.* It was all she had to offer, and Sam felt a wave of sympathy flow from her, trying to fill the void in Sam's mind before her grief and resentment did. She hadn't done anything like this before; it made Sam almost feel a little guilty for affecting her like this. But it felt so warm, and Sam couldn't help but reach for it and hold on tightly. And Jolinar didn't hold back.

There was a moment of silence, good silence, needed silence.

~Thanks.~ Sam didn't say for what, knowing that if she tried to verbalize the whys it would sound silly and cliche. She hoped Jolinar would take it the same way.

And she did. The silence remained, but it did not return to the terrible emptiness.

Sam felt her thoughts wandering around in circles, and just as they were forming coherency, one came almost unbidden and was vocal before she had time to consider it. ~I don't know if I could have made it through these months sane without you.~ The surprise on both sides was immediately evident, and she rushed in to try to fix the sappiness. ~Even when I've wanted to rip you from my head and run far away, I knew would have been literally lost and alone, and I don't know if I could ever bear that. To have someone, anyone...it's something I needed and I didn't even know it.~

Again, words didn't wrap up all the loose threads.

*Thank you.*

Sam had the feeling that she was supposed to infer all the meanings that Jolinar couldn't express, and this time she didn't mind the symbiote's brevity. It worked.

There was another jerk as the ship dropped from hyperspace. Sam and Jacob tensed, and then Sam slipped out from under his arm, the task at hand becoming foremost in her mind again.

"I have to land the ship; we're going through a gate to the Tok'ra home," she said, standing up.

~So, our explanation?~

*He was left behind and in need of immediate assistance. If he does not see the coordinates, they will have no right to object.*

Sam nodded, hands and mind working together to navigate through the burn of atmosphere to gently float to the planet's surface. Sha're sat across from her, half turned to face the wall of the ship and looking out the window. Sam couldn't see her face, but Jolinar read her body posture—anger. From grief, bitterness, frustration, all to the max; but guilt for it wrapped around Sam's heart and locked into place.

The ship landed, and Sam shut down the engines. "Sha're, we're here," she said quietly, standing up to head back to help her father.

Jacob looked worn out from all the effort of the day, and even though with Jolinar's help he wasn't too much of a burden, Sam could feel how little strength he put forth. It was a short distance to the Stargate, and Sam made sure that he wasn't watching as she dialed. The gate opened, and Sha're went swiftly first, not looking back to see when Sam was to follow.

Sam took a deep breath as her eyes rested on the ripple where Sha're had gone. ~Help me forget for now,~ she said, not fully aware that it was loud enough for Jolinar to hear.

Jacob was the one she could help, and she would; she walked through.

ooooooo

Jack was not going to apologize to Daniel. Not never, just not for this. He was going to walk down to the locker room, take a quick shower to clear his head, and then take his stuff and leave.

But damn... Just damn... It had not been a good day.

Sha're had been connected to his earliest experience at this job, so it wasn't like her loss didn't hurt him; Sam—well, Sam had been his pride and joy. She got under his skin in a good way like no other officer ever had, spinning his world and its definitions on its head and making him frustrated and awed all at the same time. They were good together, a colonel and his second, and there was always that soldier bond. And not just that—Dixon was a good officer too, and they'd already been through some hell together—but Jack achingly missed Sam's active optimism, her enthusiasm, her dedication. The smiles and the laughs, the capability for hijinks he never would have discovered if not for the wonders of off-world intoxication, the way her insane techno-talk sounded so good to him, heck, the way she could bridge that yawning gap between his mind and Daniel's when they were without a clue.

But he wasn't going to think about that. It wasn't about to enter his mind that he might have made the wrong bed to lie in. He was a heartless bastard, of course; it hadn't cost him anything to make the choice. Just flip a coin—do I trust her or not? Damn Daniel, damn Daniel and his self-righteous attitude that said if you didn't fly your emotional flag you must not have one. He wasn't going to think about that.

The shower felt good, oh so good, and he wasted the hot water with the careless abandon he was supposed to possess. The steam didn't fill the locker room, but it was warm enough anyway. He glanced in the mirror as he dried off, and saw water running down the small wrinkles waiting in the corners of his eyes and mouth. He was old, god, how old he looked. Even wet, he could see the grey in his temples—no, almost white. It was taking him over, and if Daniel or Sam chose to use their scientist eyes to look closely, they'd find their signatures on those invasive silver patches. He wasn't born old, he had been made old.

And he didn't know what to do next. He wasn't sure now if he had ever known. Maybe he and Sam had just floated along, letting Daniel and Teal'c's quests and Hammond's orders lead the way. Sure, it was all about exploring the galaxy, defeating the Goa'uld...that didn't keep a man going, though. He didn't have a Sha're, he didn't have a Jaffa rebellion, he didn't have a curiosity or an ego either. He didn't even have a family at home, a Clara, James, Bobby, or an Abby. He was just a shell, filled with whatever the missions required of him.

Bitterness flooded his mouth, not leaving even as he swallowed with a grimace. What was he doing here, anyway? There were two meanings to that question, and he meant them both but had no answer now. Glaring at the mirror that so baldly revealed his age, he slapped his clothes back on and marched out of the locker room, running his fingers once through his wet hair. With his knees still a terror to him, he found himself taking the elevator, face wearing a scowl as he pushed a floor button a few times.

It didn't take long to hit him, smack him upside the face as if to say 'you already figured this out before; now don't forget it again'. Well, this time his mind might be right. He knew why he was here, why he pushed himself to the limits for an expedition he wasn't obsessed with. It was the only thing he had after all—apart from a closely protected sense of humor—his team. This team. These people. Even that goddamned Mckay with his ego and strange sense of bravery, the one Jack couldn't qualify. Jack hurt for his team, he'd die for them, but he wouldn't let them leave if he could help it. And it didn't matter what they thought of him, as long as he did what he had to do to make sure they had the freedom to think it.

He could tell himself that all day. All day, until he was standing outside Daniel's door with an absent look on his face. Damn, why had he gone to Daniel's floor? He wasn't here to apologize, he wasn't here to explain, he just wasn't.

"Teal'c, is that you? I'll be there in a minute." Well, there went his plans for avoiding Daniel. And those had been his plans, right?

"Oh." There was Daniel, blinking behind his fishy glasses, and Jack was no genius but he saw the slight fall in that face. "Jack."

"Daniel." Don't ask why I'm here.

"What are you doing here?"

Hearing's shot as much as his eyesight. Still, the tone was neutral, true neutral and not full of hidden...emotions and stuff. "Just wanted you to know—" He didn't know where the words came from, and his mouth sagged as he scrambled for the ones to finish the sentence. And Daniel just looked at him, face blank. "We haven't given up on them."

Daniel blinked. He did that too much, it was annoying. And for once, Jack found his silence annoying too. But then he nodded. "I know," he said, quietly. And nodded again.

Know what? Jack wanted to ask. Daniel pressed his lips together, and walked past Jack. His blank look had disappeared, and all Jack had noticed was that it hadn't been replaced by bitterness, anger, hate, or frustration. Daniel walked down the hall towards whatever he was going to do.

And Jack realized it a moment later, that he had done exactly what he didn't want to do. He'd let his voice, his body, his face, betray what his mind would not let him think. He had apologized. And Daniel, calmed down somehow from his resentment, had answered in like kind. He wouldn't go as far as Jack had, apparently, but Jack thought he caught the hint that he might, someday.

Well, now that he was done with the apology he would never ever have given, he might as well go home. It would be alone tonight, as with all nights, but tomorrow he'd be back with his team. Living with them. Dying for them, maybe, but hopefully not. Damn, he hoped not. It would suck, it really would. But he would do it.

ooooooo

Another day, Sam would have chocked up her lack of care about the Tok'ra Council's reaction to Jolinar's influence. This day, she didn't care about that either. After a short, "They assumed we were Goa'uld, and reacted with that in mind; this man was left behind and needs urgent attention," from Jolinar, they were swiftly allowed free rein for the moment. No comment, no emotion on the Council's faces other than that they might have expected the outcome. Larys was alerted by communicator and was ready by the time Jolinar and Shan'ak brought Jacob in. Weak, unmoving, and barely even conscious after all the effort, Jacob was laid out on the bench as Sam explained his illness.

"I am not sure what I can do for such extensive damage with only this," Larys said, worriedly, but held the healing device firmly in his hand.

Sam nodded, biting her lip. As Larys moved in to work, she couldn't help but watch. ~You have no sarcophagus...no, wait, Tok'ra don't use them, do they. Why?~

*The destruction of the kalmach is too high a price.*

The soul, Sam somehow knew. ~Even once?~

*Too great a temptation.*

They were reasonable words, part of Sam's mind thought, but it had to do war with the rest of her. It was easy to try to hold back personal emotions, but not to succeed in that task. Larys' face was distorted in his extreme focus, and her father spasmed under the influence. It hurt to watch. Sam trusted the Tok'ra doctor, but she knelt by her father's side anyway, holding his hand and bowing her head to hope for the best.

She lost track of time and consciousness for an unknown number of moments, and only when Jacob exhaled loudly did her head jerk up. Raising her head, she thought she saw a little improvement in him, but Larys wasn't standing there anymore. A hand fell on her shoulder, and she looked up and behind.


"I have never dealt with a case as advanced as this," Larys said in a low tone, indicating that she should stand. "I have given him a chance for now, though." As Sam stood, he tipped his head to one side, and Sam followed him a few steps away.

"So he's going to be all right?" Sam asked.

"Yes and no, Samantha," Larys said, his face looking aged beyond human years. "I am so sorry. This device cannot repair everything."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, gripping his arm and glancing back with sudden worry.


"No, he will not suddenly die," Larys assured, waiting for her to look back at him. "But it is for a few days only; soon his body will be failing again."

"You can heal him again, though?" Sam asked in confusion.

"It will be worse every time. I cannot change that," said Larys. "The next time, he will only last a couple days; maybe a day after the next treatment, and then I will only be able to postpone a few hours."

Sam's heart fell sharply.

"He is dear to you?" Larys asked, letting his other hand rest on hers.

"My father," she said, nodding.

Larys gave her a straight look. "Then you must understand, there is only one sure way of saving him."

Sam knew what that meant, and let her lungs empty out in a short breath. "Become a Tok'ra."

"Selmak is dying; it might save them both," Larys said. "If, of course..."

Sam shook her head, withdrawing her arms and hugging her own chest. "I don't know, I can't tell."

Larys looked at her closely, grim-faced. "Your world is so closed to us, then?"

"Yes," said Sam. "I had forgotten, but now I know. I just hope, now that he's here..."

"Let me know." And with a short nod, Larys returned to whatever else he had to do.

~Jol, this wasn't supposed to happen,~ Sam said, even her inner voice on the edge of breaking.

*What should I say?* Jolinar answered. *He is not dead, and for that we can both be glad.*

~But to be a Tok'ra? To choose it? You don't know my dad; he's stubborn when it comes to beliefs he holds close. He's independent. I don't think he could give that up.~

*He doesn't sound too unlike a near relation of his,* Jolinar said dryly, but without even a sense of humor.

~So what, you don't see an issue with it?~ Sam asked. ~He's my dad, Jolinar. Even if he did agree, would he be happy?~

*If he has been thoroughly brainwashed, perhaps not. But if he is not sure, it will not go that far. Why are you tormenting your mind with this?*

~Because I didn't expect this,~ Sam answered, a little sharply. ~And it's not like it's ideal, he wasn't supposed to have to make that choice. Can't you see that?~

*I feel your sorrow, but I do not understand it,* Jolinar answered, not softening. *He lived a good life, and he may live another one. Or he may not, but you will have him for a few days to give your farewells. That is more than many others have received. You are tired, Samantha, and not thinking clearly. This is not the time—*

"Sam?" Even that quiet a voice had all Sam's attention in less than a second.

"Dad," she answered, coming to stand by him.

Grimacing, Jacob sat up on the bench, shaking his head. "What happened? Where are we? Why do I—what do I feel?"

"Hopefully better," Sam said, trying to put on a smile. "We're on the Tok'ra base now. They have technology here that can slow the cancer down for a while." She stood still, gauging his reaction.

Jacob rested his hands on his knees as they hung off the edge of the bench, his face not displaying any one emotion. "His voice..."

"Larys is a Tok'ra," Sam confirmed.

"He healed me...for a while?" There was a flash of bewilderment on Jacob's face, and then it disappeared into nothingness.

Sam nodded, feelings all twisting around each other in her gut and Jolinar not helping at the moment.

Then Jacob looked up and caught the expression on her face, and suddenly his unreadable face was replaced by one Sam only barely remembered, so straightforward the emotion was. "Come here," he murmured, and Sam was in his arms in a moment, gripping him tightly. "I'm so sorry, kid, I didn't want to do this to you," he said.

"Same here," she answered, tears leaking out despite all her control.

"I don't know what is going on here," he said. And as she shifted in his arms to sit next to him, looking in his eyes for confirmation, they were clear and open. "But, this is you."

Sam kept her arm around him, trying to soak up all his embrace while she could. Before she could miss it again.

"I don't know that other thing in your head," he added, giving her a firm nod. "And I'm not giving it any free chances. But if it's been this long and I can still recognize some of you...what do I think?"

Despite the strength that had been newly returned to him, Sam felt the weary resignation in his voice. How long had it been growing? Would it be irreversible? Could he choose life, even this life that must be so strange? But wait...

~Did you hear that?~

*I did indeed.*

"Jolinar says thanks, I think," Sam said aloud, the hint of a smile coming to her face for a second, only to be driven away. "But Dad, this healing isn't...it's not permanent."

"I got that," he answered. "It's not a new prospect anymore."

"What if it was—permanent, not a familiar prospect," Sam answered.

*Now, Samantha?* Sam didn't answer the question.

Jacob frowned.

"You know, with Jolinar in here, I've never had even a cold," Sam tried to explain, feeling that she was failing pathetically as the second word came out. "To the Tok'ra, cancer's just another disease...they can do more than their medicine can."

Jacob tensed for a second, but his arms still held her. "You mean, let a—let it come inside me and cure my cancer?" His words were a little jerky.

"Well, it wouldn't be just that," Sam admitted, reluctantly. "The Tok'ra aren't a cure like the device. Either you choose to be with them or not, they can't just fix the cancer and leave."

"So I need to be a Goa'uld to live?" Jacob asked, voice hushed in his astonishment.

Jolinar flinched. "Not Goa'uld," Sam corrected, closing her eyes for a second.

"That's it?" Jacob answered. "That's my only option?"


"You don't have to; it's your choice," said Sam, heart starting to ache again. "They won't force you. But Dad, they can't live without us, and...and you can't live without them." ~And I don't want to live without you.~

He looked at her, and for the first time today let show how overwhelmed he was, beaten down finally by all the strange turns of events. "I need to sleep," he muttered, glancing down and putting up a hand to rub his eyes.

Sam nodded, forcing herself to accept the reality that it wasn't going to be easy any way. "There's some beds over here. Jolinar's trying to hint to me about rest too, I think."

She stood, and he slowly rose after her, joints still slow. Larys had a bed all prepared, though he was no longer in sight, and Jacob sunk gladly into it. Sam was ready to leave without another word, sleep off all her babbling words and emotions once and for all. But he reached out to grab her hand as she turned.

"I don't want to die," he said firmly. "Don't think that."

"I know," she answered. "Would you—tomorrow, maybe, could you talk to Selmak, the symbiote who really needs you? You don't need to decide anything, just talk, get to know each other."

He nodded slightly, to her relief. "I may be an old general, Sam, but I know when I'm out of my element; I need to catch my bearing."

She gave him a weak smile. "Selmak's no spring chicken either; you'll have that in common at least."

He gave her an odd look; the only look anyone could give, Sam understood, when their whole world was knocked from under them and this weirdness replaced it. He'd have to learn quickly, but so had she. And she knew that that strength was her heritage.

Leaving the infirmary, not reluctantly, Sam felt all the weariness she had been pushing back and ignoring.

~How did we get like this, Jolinar? Why didn't I notice?~

*There have been distractions,* Jolinar said simply.

~I hate feeling like this, all lost. Isn't there a way to just turn it all off for a while?~

*You cannot know how many times I have looked for it,* Jolinar answered, all her own emotion in the one short sentence.

~I'm sorry, I haven't been the best companion today,~ Sam answered. ~You're amazing, you know that? You survive.~

*So will you,* Jolinar said firmly. *Whatever you feel, don't add guilt to it. I will be here for you when you find yourself again.*

Sam thought her thanks silently as they arrived at their chamber. She didn't remember the exact steps to get into bed, but her last memory was the dark crystal ceiling before sleep finally claimed her.

—

Author's Notes: If Jacob's dialogue felt a little confusing, that was the intention.