Chapter 8: I Never Knew Why

"Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness.

Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed.

You step a little closer each day

So close that I can't see what's going on."

-Damien Rice, "Cannonball"

Most people would have wished for a white Christmas, but Severus was glad it wasn't cold enough for snow. The steady rain kept away the eerie quiet of Spinner's End.

Two days after Boxing Day, it was still pouring and Severus felt he was beginning to go mad, between the emptiness of the house and brooding on Hermione. He had developed an unhealthy pattern of falling asleep as the sun came up, sleeping into the afternoon, then undertaking the arduous task of organizing his personal stash of potion ingredients, often working well into the wee hours of the morning. Which is why he was still about around two when there was a knock at his front door.

He opened it to find Hermione herself, soaked through from the rain and looking quite sheepish on his stoop.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Can I come in?" She brushed the water from her forehead futilely.

He said nothing, just turned and retreated into the house.

He waited as she shed her soggy coat, as she took in the front room, and as she wrung her hands and stared past his head.

Finally, he couldn't take it any more. "Hermione, why did you come here?" he asked, his voice clipped. If she wanted him to move on, her being there was probably the last thing he needed at the moment.

Her eyes searched the room as though the answer was written on the walls. "I 've been looking for you," she answered finally.

He said nothing.

"I went to Hogwarts; you weren't there."

"Yes, I've been here." What could she want with him now? Why was she, once again, seeking him out in the middle of the night?

"I went to the Burrow for Christmas."

Oh. Severus suddenly understood. She had come her, once again, to vent her frustrations about Weasley. Her sounding board, her comfort, her friend... but nothing else.

"I told Ron I didn't want to be with him anymore."

"Oh?" Severus wished he hadn't sounded so eager.

"It was horrible." She collapsed onto a mismatched footstool, burying her face in her hands. "He didn't take it well at all. He kept asking why, what happened... and I couldn't really tell him." She rubbed her face behind the curtain of tangled hair. "I apparated out of there before anyone else found out. Oh gods, what is Ginny going to say..."

There was a part of Severus, the part that would ache in his heart if he had one, that pushed him to go to her, to wrap his arms around her and urge her on, to listen to her as he always had. But for perhaps the first time since their friendship had begun, Severus' brain won that fight.

"Hermione, stop." She looked up at him, startled. "You should not have come here. That was a mistake." His voice betrayed his fury. "For some reason, you have made quite the habit of coming to me at the most inappropriate hours to whine to me about your relationship. He was yelling now, and she cowered below him on her seat. "Quite frankly, I do not care to listen any longer. Have you once considered my thoughts or emotions? You want my friendship when it suits you, then you tell me we need time apart. What do you want Hermione?!"

She looked as though she was about to cry, and he softened.

"I care for you so deeply, Hermione, and it hurts me to see you upset. But I cannot stand here and listen to you speak of him without wishing..." he took a deep breath, "without wishing that I was in his place."

Hermione was still perched on the footstool, elbows resting on her knees. She hid her face in her hands again, but this time, she let out a choked laugh.

"Severus," she said, her hands over her eyes, "Ron and I-we want to be a couple."

That stung.

"But," she continued before he could respond, "we both knew it wasn't working. It could never work. And until tonight-before I went to Hogwarts looking for you, before I came here-I never knew why."

Severus stood frozen above her, watching the top of her damp head for any sign that she was about to say what he hoped she would.

"Severus," she looked at him through her lashes. "I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you: Ron and I can't be together because I want to be with someone else."

He didn't move, but his heart raced.

"You." she half-laughed. "I can't be with him because of you."

Severus had imagined this moment a thousand times, but now that it was happening, he couldn't move or think or speak. He just stared at her, so beautiful behind her tangled hair, and tried to convince himself it was real.

"Severus," she breathed, and he fell to his knees before her, so their faces were aligned.

"Hermione." He brushed the hair from her face. He wanted to kiss her. Oh, did he want to kiss her. But he didn't know if he should.

She wrapped her hands around his neck and rested her forehead against his. So close. Their lips were just millimeters apart.

"I'm scared," she whispered against his mouth.

"Me, too."

"All I know is that I want to be yours," she breathed, eyes closed. "And that I want you to be mine."

Severus took her face in his hands and lifted it so she looked into his eyes.

"Hermione," he told her her, "I have been yours all this time." And he kissed her.

She was shy at first, her body curled away from him. But soon she was kissing him too, her hands moving on his back, pulling him closer. His fingers found their way under the back of her shirt, and she sighed into his mouth when their skin touched there.

She broke the kiss and Severus kissed her neck, burying his face there as he'd always wanted to. He breathed in the smell of her, sweet and warm, like vanilla. She rested her cheek on his head.

"I've never seen you smile that way before," she mused, her fingers gently stroking the back of his neck under his hair.

"I don't usually smile."

"But you are now."

"I don't usually have you," he replied, wrapping his arms around her more tightly.

They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other, basking in their newly revealed feelings for one another. Finally, Hermione spoke.

"I have to get back."

"Uh-uh," he said into her neck, muffled.

"Unfortunately, yes, I have to go face the repercussions of my choice. Not that it was a bad choice," she added, smiling

"Don't leave." He held on tighter, as if he could make her stay by pure force.

"Severus, the Weasleys and Harry-they'll worry."

"Don't make me beg." He kissed her again, more urgently now.

"Sev-" she pushed him away. He did not like that feeling .

"Please, Hermione." He was begging now. "Don't go. You can stay here tonight. You can sleep in my bed-I'll take the couch." He took her hands in his. "You don't have to go back there, Weasley can tell them why you're gone."

What would happen if she left, he wondered? Would she ever come back? When they were apart, even for a moment, would she decide she no longer wanted this? Severus was scared-terrified-that she would return to the Burrow, see Ron, and decided to patch things up. And he would be right back where he started.

She stood. "I do have to go back. I need to explain things to them, even if it'll be difficult. I owe them that."

Severus was motionless as he watched her cast a drying charm on her coat and put it on. He searched his mind for something-anything-he could say to make her reconsider. He was sure if she left, the dream-like events of tonight would never happen again.

As if she read his mind, Hermione came to him, putting her hand on his cheek.

"Severus," she told him, "I will see you at school in three days."

He took her hand, leaning into her touch. "I'm scared to let you leave," he admitted, "I'm afraid you won't come back to me."

She stood on her tip-toes to kiss him full on the mouth. He grasped her around the waist and kissed her desperately. Please, let her come back.

When she pulled away, she was smiling. "You'll have to trust me. See you on Friday."

She turned on the spot, and with a pop! she was gone.