Author's Note: sorry this has been so long coming, loves. I kind of got going on other projects, I hate to admit it. Then I found myself reading a fic (non-HP) that I was absolutely obsessed with, and it inspired me to keep going on this one. I only hope somebody feels about this the way I felt about that fic.
This is a short chapter, but more will be coming today or tomorrow, so don't be mad!
Chapter 14: Destroyed Myself
"It's better to feel pain than nothing at all.
The opposite of love's indifference.
So pay attention, now. I'm standing on your porch screamin' out.
And I won't leave until you come downstairs."
- The Lumineers, "Stubborn Love"
20th March
My Dearest Hermione,
I understand that you don't want to speak to me. My hope is that you'll read this letter anyway. My hope is that you still care.
There is no justification for what I did and nothing I can say to change your mind. I broke us, your heart and my own. But I want to believe-I have to believe-that we are not beyond repair. I regret every day what I have done, and I will regret it forever, so I will not defend it. I merely want the opportunity to explain my feelings, if you'll give me that.
II have told you a dozen times or more that I am no good for you; only now can I say so without your protesting. I know you are aware of my past, and the horrible things I have done. That's not what I mean. I am a coward, Hermione, and you are the bravest person I've ever known. When you were mine, I lived in constant fear of losing you. Not because I lacked trust in you-on the contrary, I would put my life in your hands. I did. No, I feared losing you because I cannot trust myself to be what you need. I cannot trust myself to give you the love you deserve, without taking too much in return.
And I am selfish. Every minute you are not with me, I want you to be, even now. I want to be enough that you'll never need anyone else. I want all of your time, your attention, your love. I am sick with the thought that someday, probably soon, you will find another man to love, and he will have everything I desperately want for myself.
They are not good reasons, but these are the reasons why I did what I did. I have always trusted you, Hermione. But I have never trusted myself, and even your true and patient love could not change that. I trusted you with my secrets, but I did not trust myself not to scare you away. I trusted you with my body, but I didn't trust myself not to lose control and hurt you, one way or another. And Hermione, I always trusted you to be faithful. I just did not trust myself to keep you happy.
I know it is not fair to ask that we fix this, but I must. I must hope that you've read this letter, and that it means you may someday speak to me again. Because I cannot give up.
Yours, forever
Severus
XXXX
28th March
Hermione,
It has been over a week since my last letter, so I must conclude that you do not intend to reply. Since I will be denied the opportunity to reply in turn, I will write you again.
Somehow, you saw me more clearly than anyone ever has, and for that I am grateful. I have never known real love until you, nor have I had a true friend. You alone managed to see past my history and my many great flaws and into the soul I was not sure I had. Until you.
Despite the clarity of your perception of me, you also believed I was a greater man than I am. By this I am both frustrated and relieved: though I would never want you to see me the way I see myself, I also cannot make you understand that I was always unworthy of you. Your praise, your touch... your love. All of it was undeserved. I know I should be grateful for the time we had together, but it only served to make me want you more. I need for you to be with me, mine. It was only for a short time, and yet, I do not know how to go on without you.
I hardly dared to think our talk of a future together could be real, but that does not mean I wanted it any less. I still want it. I need it. I never desired anything but the life I had built before you came into it, and somehow you have shifted my world so greatly that none of it seems enough. I never dreamed of a future full of love and family until you, and now I cannot settle for less than that.
I want, more than I have wanted anything before, for you to reply to me, talk to me, agree see me. And yet, I am terrified that you will, for I do not know how to begin to make it up to you.
Begging you,
Severus
XXXX
2nd April
Hermione,
Reply to me, damn it! I am dying without you.
XXXX
12th April
Love,
I hate myself for what I've done to you. To us. I never meant to see what I did. My misguided intention was to know if you had seen or danced with him at the ball. I was drunk and exhausted- I did not mean to know your history with him. I wish I did not know. You said you would have told me- would you? Even if I had begged, would you have told me that he had you? It would have killed me. Would you have hurt me that way?
As it is, you needn't kill me with that revelation, for I've destroyed myself.
-yours
XXXX
18th April
Hermione, I need you.