Chapter 68 - Unaccustomed

Sam had never been a mother. She had never been a big sister. And she hadn't known very often even what being a leader felt like. Only now, all she saw before her was a broken life, and there seemed to be an urge within to gather it to her and make it all better.

Quetesh's host did not speak again for many minutes, when she looked away from Sam and asked in that hoarse whisper: "Where is this?"

"You're on the Tok'ra home world, in a medical facility," Sam said. "You're free here."

The woman swallowed, and closed her eyes for a second. Sam wished her heartbeat would slow and that she would stop this apparent still panic, but a part of her understood. And Jolinar could only watch, transfixed but not wanting to get involved—it was a hurt she didn't want to bring up.

"What is your name?" Sam finally asked, taking her first dangerous step.

The woman didn't open her eyes, and her breathing hastened again. "I forgot," she whispered, the catch in her voice almost shattering it. A teardrop gathered at the corner of one tightly shut eye.

"It's okay," Sam said, as soothingly as she could, and she put her hand gently on the woman's arm. She felt almost fevered now, compared to the chill of last night. Sam wondered if her health might have something to do with the panic, but couldn't know for sure, and didn't think the woman was ready to see Larys.

"Vala," whispered the woman then.

Sam knew that word wasn't Goa'uld.

"Vala Mal Doran," the woman whispered, and she choked on the last word. Her arm twisted beneath Sam's hand, but only to reach up and clasp her hand, gripping so tight that it hurt.

"Vala," Sam said back, and even as she felt like her hand might break, a part of her relaxed.

"You are Tok'ra?" Vala asked, not quite opening her eyes, her words still fragile.

"Yes," Sam said simply.

Vala gave the tiniest of tight nods, and then her grip on Sam's hand loosened. A few moments of silence later, and Sam saw Vala relax slowly, as if she was falling asleep again. Her breathing slowed, and she let her hand still holding Sam's rest loosely on the infirmary bed.

~I think this is good,~ Sam said, finally breathing out.

And then Vala did fall asleep, and finally let her hold on Sam's hand relax. Jolinar felt like they should stay there, and Sam almost did, but a concern hit her and she quietly left Vala's side.

First, she spoke to Larys. He nodded, said that all indications said that Vala was slightly unwell, but nothing dangerous. He'd leave the rest to Sam, as the Council wished. But he mentioned, for Sam's sake as well as Jolinar's, that the Tok'ra had not had much success with the rescue of hosts. Many turned inward in their panic, often afterwards becoming violent against their "Goa'uld captors". Most had to be set free quickly to recover on their own, and even though some did so and came back to apologize for their quick judgment, it had never gone well in the beginning.

Then, Sam went to Selmak. Jolinar had never been glad that Selmak was on the Tok'ra High Council, but Sam found herself often appreciating it. Now, she had to ask what was going on with Dorieth. Only just last night, an operative had been sent with full authority to assess the situation. And this morning, the shortest of messages had been sent back—"Disaster averted."

Sam and Jolinar might find a thousand meanings in those words, but the only important one was that they were off the hook. At least a little, and at least for now. Selmak seemed to see this interpretation, for he said no more.

Sam couldn't help but think of the details, but not for long. She had another mission, on this base, and "her people" would have to wait for that. ~It's getting personal again, isn't it?~ she asked suddenly, as she was once again sitting by Vala's side as she slept.

Jolinar could only agree. And looking on Vala's sleeping face, neither of them could see any other way. They had been doomed to be involved with Quetesh. At first it had been Sha're, and her people. But along the way, even before their capture, Jolinar had found the repressed hatred from so many decades ago. Now, Quetesh herself was gone, but the traces of her lay in this woman they were charged with. And as much as Sam hoped to help Vala, she knew that a part of her hoped that facing and dealing with Vala would help heal Sam.

Vala wasn't going to face them yet, though. When Sam returned, the woman was sitting up in the bed. She leaned against the crystal tunnel walls, knees close to her chest, head resting tipped to the side on her knees. In the loose hospital garments, she looked small, even though Sam knew she was at least Sam's height.

Sam stood for a moment outside the room. ~Now what?~ she asked herself, feeling momentarily helpless.

Jolinar had nothing at all.

So Sam walked in the room and sat down on the second bed again.

Then, she was almost surprised to see Vala look up with painful eyes. Sam saw her hand clench, and was that a glint of metal in it? "Where is Quetesh?" Vala asked, voice wavering but eyes steady on Sam.

"Dead," Sam answered quietly.

Vala breathed out, trembling.

"Is that—" Sam started, wondering if it was the right time. Vala had looked back down at her knees, but Sam could tell that she was listening. "Is that all the worries you still have?"

"Am I to be starved?"

With all the tension, the slight demand, or possibly sarcasm, in this question made Sam swallow a laugh. It wasn't funny—she could hear Vala's insecurity under the calm she put in those words. But it was something different. "What do you want to eat?" she asked simply.

"I never got to choose," Vala whispered without looking at Sam.

Sam felt a sharp jab of pain from Jolinar, and the painful laugh she'd swallowed tasted bitter. "I'll see what we have," she said quietly, then stood up to leave the room. She'd bring back as much of a buffet as she could.

ooooooo

Daniel sat in his lab, Shifu in his arms, rocking back and forth in his desk chair. His eyes might close at any moment, but then he'd stop rocking and Shifu would wake and scream. Maybe. There was always the possibility that this time he was sleeping for good, but Daniel would rather push his own limits than test his son's for now.

But in the darkness on the base, footsteps broke the silence.

"Late night?"

Daniel managed not to bolt out of his chair, but that was more due to exhaustion than self-control. His eyes snapped fully open, and there was Jack, of all people.

"Good god, you're here late," Daniel whispered.

"Briefing with Hammond," Jack said, grimacing. "Heard your little guy screaming on my way out, but never made it—that was a few hours ago."

He didn't explain; with Daniel, he didn't need to. In his weariness, Daniel didn't know if it was the right time to bring up Charlie or not. Maybe Jack wanted it, being that blunt with his hints? Or was that a blunt hint? Daniel was too tired—though if Jack wasn't over Charlie, he wouldn't be talking to Sara again.

"Why so long with Hammond?" Daniel asked, the safe question.

"Good question, Daniel," said Jack, a little lightly for someone still at work at 2am. He walked in, sighing, and sat in Daniel's other chair.

Daniel glanced down to Shifu, who still looked asleep, then focused back on Jack. He couldn't see quite clearly this late, even squinting and blinking not clearing away all the bleariness.

"You remember what this place used to be like?" Jack asked pointedly, almost of a sudden.

"The first mission?" Daniel clarified. He breathed out slowly. "Barely. Why?"

Jack shrugs, but Daniel waited for the words to come. If they came. Jack had already said more than usual.

"Hammond's getting a lot of pressure," Jack finally admitted.

"About caution?" Daniel asked.

Jack shakes his head. "Everything. All the important—" he waves his hand for a second, before finding the word "—breakthroughs. They're all about science, and we're still on the Air Force payroll. As we should be, with the Goa'uld still out there."

"But we need science to fight the Goa'uld," Daniel protested with a frown.

"Maybe," said Jack cautiously. "I don't know about you, Daniel, but I don't understand half the importance all the egg-heads put on things. And I do understand that, still, if a Goa'uld came to attack Earth, all we've really got is nukes."

It took a few seconds longer than usual for Daniel to think about those words.

"Until yesterday."

Daniel's eyes were starting to droop again, involuntarily. He wasn't rocking as hard, and Shifu was still asleep.

"He's right," muttered Jack. "What the hell happened here? Some kind of lab, testing on soldiers. Aliens doing god-knows-what to us. And the Goa'uld?"

"May not all be bad," Daniel murmured.

"It's late, Daniel," Jack said after another second, and there was an edge back in his voice that Daniel hadn't noticed leaving during the conversation. "I'm going home."

"Jack," said Daniel, lifting his head as Jack paused by the door. "I don't really know why you got into this place, but I know why I did. And things aren't the same, maybe; but this place is my home now."

"That's good for you," said Jack, and his tone was flat, not sarcastic.

Jack left and Daniel's head drooped forward on his chest, his arms relaxing against the arms of his chair. Then, a wriggle, and a half-cry, and his head came back up and he started to rock again. Shifu wouldn't sleep.

Silence around him, Daniel thought he knew what Jack meant. This place wasn't just a secret outpost where a hidden doorway was kept. This was the CDC, advanced R&D, a test lab, a house, and some weird military black ops base. With aliens. Daniel didn't want to think about how that looked to the people at the Pentagon...it was weird enough from his end.

It had been Shifu's last protest, and the next thing Daniel knew, Sha're was in his office and Shifu was crying for food because it was 4am now. And finally, finally, Daniel slept.

ooooooo

Vala's fingers trembled as she reached for the food on the tray Sam brought. She didn't look up at Sam the entire time, just slowly chewed and swallowed, almost still curled up. But when she finally looked to Sam, there was more suspicion than fear in her tension.

"Are you my jailer or my nursemaid?" she asked after the food was nearly all gone, and Sam wondered at her appetite.

"Not jailer," Sam said, with what she hoped was warmth. "But Vala—I don't know what else I'm doing here."

"So maybe you aren't a Goa'uld after all," Vala said, almost under her breath.

Sam grimaced slightly. "No. That, I'm not."

"Then why do you, all of you, have them inside?" Vala asked, voice suddenly rising in both pitch and volume.

~She's not ready for this,~ Sam thought, looking at the emotions in Vala's eyes. "You knew who the Tok'ra were," she said. "If you know that, you know what we are."

"And why am I here?" Vala asked, looking piercingly at Sam. "What is your plan?"

"What is yours?" Sam asked back.

The panicked bristles that had just started to show on Vala disappeared, and it was if she had shrunk. "Run. Hide. Alone." The cracks were audible in her voice again.

"She can't come back," Sam said quietly.

"I cannot remember who I am, but I remember that there are more of them," Vala said rigidly.

Jolinar had almost disappeared in the back of Sam's mind, but then she spoke. *Samantha, I cannot, cannot, face this.*

~I can't not,~ Sam answered, doubly concerned at once.

*Just let me rest, please. I will disappear.*

Sam's brow creased, and she felt pain in her mind, maybe even her heart. ~What am I going to do then?~

*Help her. I can't.*

Sam barely held back a protest that she could hardly do anything either.

"What is your name?"

Sam lost track of Jolinar, but Vala was there and was asking a question. "Samantha," she answered.

"And you don't know who I am?" Vala asked next. She was sitting up, arms wrapped around her knees, staring with more security from behind the wall they made.

"No," Sam admitted, and decided that Jolinar would wait.

"Then there is nothing for me here," Vala said, just above a whisper.

"What do you want?" Sam asked, looking her straight in the eye.

"I don't know," Vala said. "Not this." Her eyes lost their steady gaze for a moment, flitting around the room in a second before coming back to meet Sam's.

Sam looked at her closely, saw the lines just barely at the corners of her eyes and mouth. She couldn't have been younger than Sam by more than a few years, if Sam could read her physical age correctly. But Sam didn't see that in her eyes; she didn't even see the younger Sha're, full of vitality and emotion. Sam could swear she saw someone smaller, someone whose walls had been broken down so far that she didn't have much left to wall up.

She didn't know how many memories Vala had, either of her life before or of what Quetesh had to have left in her mind. When had she been taken? Who had she left behind? Questions too sensitive for now, but Sam needed to guess. After decades, as Larys said, Vala would have to know that no one was coming for her. The Tok'ra had saved her, but they had saved the idea of her, and knew no more who she was than the Goa'uld who thought of her as no more than a body.

Vala had no one to hope for. Perhaps her family had been killed; perhaps they had just abandoned her as lost. She didn't remember them, maybe; and maybe that was because they didn't exist. Vala wasn't Sha're, and she didn't know how to embrace this gift of freedom.

So, what, she would run? Fear it? It was a choice that Sam couldn't let her make. Sam didn't know what to make of Vala, but when she looked up, she didn't see a woman who would break down and disappear into nothingness. Vala had reached for Sam's hand, asked her questions, with a fear that overwhelmed her senses but was colored by an underlying will. Will to live, Sam thought, if not to fight.

"I don't know what you think," Sam said, resisting the urge to start of with 'look', "but I do know one thing from experience." Her gaze met Vala's, harder than before. "Don't jump on impulses just because you don't know what to do." She felt grateful that she'd learned this lesson so long ago that the memories of Jonas lay lightly buried. And with Jolinar somewhere back there, no one was asking questions yet.

"My escape is blocked then," said Vala slowly, eyes darting from Sam's for a moment only to come back.

"Try looking for it on this planet first," Sam said softly. Then, because Vala wasn't shrinking away, she put out her hand. "Would you like to find some place more private?"

Sam saw Vala's hands twist around themselves, unsteady for a moment. She looked down at Sam's outstretched hand, and then, jerkily, she let one knee drop from where it guarded her chest and hang off the edge of the bed. A few seconds later, she stretched forth a quivering hand, and Sam took the last step forward to clasp it gently.

Sam was holding her breath as Vala slid from the bed, only to have her knee buckle as her foot touched the floor. Vala gave out a low cry as she slipped a little, but Sam stepped to her, an arm round her waist as she fell. Vala froze, gasping sharply, but Sam didn't move, just held her upright.

Then, a choking sob coming forth, Vala collapsed to her knees, Sam gently coming with her. "It's okay," Sam murmured, as the woman seemed to lose control over the tension, almost falling against Sam. She put a hand to Vala's back and held her, as Vala shook with another sob.

Her hand gently stroking Vala's back, Sam felt her face twist with worry, but inside all she felt was that this meant something. Not what she had expected, but all to the same purpose. Don't run away, she said to Vala in her head.

This wasn't breaking apart; this was the first step to fitting the pieces back together. And Sam figured that she had time for that.

Vala ran out of sobs too quickly, but her silent dry shaking was just as unstable. ~Jolinar?~ Sam whispered in her head. ~I don't know why exactly this hurts you, though I can guess. But it's all right. I think we're almost past fear.~

She didn't feel an articulate answer, but it seemed for the rest of the day like maybe Jolinar was simply silent, not hiding.

Vala had decided to take her chances with Sam, though as little as possible. Once she seemed calm, worn rather than exhausted from being on edge, Sam started asking questions. Do you hurt anywhere? Do you feel sick? Can you walk? At this point, discussing other people or fresh clothing seemed like potential triggers for fear, so Sam didn't. And she hoped Larys trusted Vala in her charge, as Sam took her from the infirmary and to a small lab that had been empty every time Sam and Jolinar passed it.

"If you want to sit here for a moment," Sam said, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Vala nodded, and leaned back in the chair that Sam had brought her to.

Sam had good timing. No sooner had she returned up to the main level of the Tok'ra complex when she saw the rings come down from the surface, and there was Shan'ak, a small device in his hand. "From Dorieth," he said, on seeing her.

"Already?" she asked, but followed him as he delivered it to the nearest Councilmember.

Per'sus nodded after looking at it. "You understand that this is no longer truly your mission," he said, voice low as he looked to her.

She nodded once.

"But I understand your continued interest," he said, glancing up once he looked back down at the device. "The Jaffa on Dorieth have been imprisoned by its human inhabitants."

Sam had partly forgotten things, and stood startled. "Really?"

"But not for execution," said Per'sus, a slight eyebrow raise changing the neutrality of his face. "It seems that there is some kind of negotiation for their cooperation going on."

Sam stood, pondering, but she had little to think on without Jolinar immediately there. By now, she was certain that her symbiote was sleeping.

Per'sus exhaled and lowered the hand which held the device. "Indeed, our operative there is returning; he had another mission assigned before this, and Dorieth does not need urgent attention. Its people have taken control, and are guarding themselves against any further attack. While we may contact them in the future, our focus must return to the important matter."

"Have you heard from Lantash?" Sam asked.

"Not since you last knew of it," Per'sus said.

And that was the end of the conversation. Sam returned to Vala, who was tracing the tunnel walls with nothing else to do. Sam noticed the limpness of her hair and asked, "Do you want to clean up?"

Vala looked at her like it was an alien suggestion, and after who knows how long of being entirely unable to affect her own body, Sam realized that for her it was. But Sam left her alone after leading her to the Tok'ra baths, and afterward Vala asked her, "Do you have nothing to do?"

Feeling that maybe Vala should be thinking quietly, Sam nodded, and found one of the Tok'ra computer devices to look at the latest information in more detail. The hours passed, and Sam realized with awkwardness that it was no wonder other hosts bolted, with nothing to occupy them. But by the time evening had arrived, Vala was curled in a chair and sound asleep. Hair curling more naturally soft and shapeless around her face, she wore simple clothes that she had picked out, surprising Sam as she had done so with how ready she was.

Sam watched Vala sleep a few minutes, wondering if she really wanted even only one more day of this. But then Jolinar was back in her head, and everything else faded. ~Where have you been?~ she asked, and it came out strong.

*Right here,* Jolinar answered simply.

Sam had had plenty of time to think about what she'd say. ~Is it that she looks like Quetesh?~

*No,* Jolinar said shortly. *She sounds like Elista.*

Sam felt Jolinar's guilt burn, and then nothing. ~But things changed. It wasn't always like this.~

*When you have violated someone's identity, stolen it from them, and then you have realized it—do you think it matters?*

~No,~ Sam said.

*But,* Jolinar said, and some of the left her mind. *I was cowardly. I do not know when we will have another mission, but that is not the only reason that I cannot hide while you do this.*

~Thank you,~ Sam said warmly.

When she looked back to Vala, this time Jolinar was there with her. *If you have gotten her this far, I believe she will need support,* Jolinar offered.

Sam smiled to herself. This felt better.

The next days were an exercise in awkwardness and hesitation. Vala didn't speak except in rare moments, just followed wherever Sam went. Jolinar seemed to understand a little, but Sam couldn't comprehend it. She thought about speaking to Cordesh's former host Lensin, but on speaking to Larys found that Lensin had gone offworld permanently.

So instead, Sam stuck to things that didn't require talking or introspection. Reyfa made no comment as Vala sat quietly in the corner and watched them talk. Sam asked about the modifications that she and Anise had worked on, since there was no way she was taking Vala near Anise, and then was thoroughly distracted by hearing about the armbands that were currently puzzling Anise. A demonstration of Reyfa's tunnel crystal project finished off the first visit, and Sam wondered if Vala had understood even half the words. It was gratifying when Jolinar said that she hardly knew that much, not because Sam liked to feel smarter, but just because Jolinar was at enough ease to make that comment.

Next Sam found the library that had captivated Sha're during her time. Selmak and Jacob were there too, and they also did not comment on Vala's presence. Sam wondered for a moment if being ignored was the best policy for her, but things were too fragile to try anything else. She hadn't gotten a chance to truly read in forever, and cautiously glanced over to Vala after realizing they'd been there an hour. Vala looked like she could read, and could manage the electronic screens of data—but all Sam saw was a frown of concentration, and a vague scanning of pages.

More and more, Sam realized just how little leisure time the Tok'ra were used to. Especially without being able to have conversations, things started to drag. Which started to frustrate Sam, as she over-thought every move here, and kept finding her mind drawn back to Dorieth to wonder about its future and where they'd messed up in the beginning.

Two days into it, though, as Sam guided Vala back to the infirmary, the woman took a deep breath and turned to her. "I think," she said slowly, almost biting her lip, "that I do not like the food here. I think I remember better."

Sam laughed softly. "That's a very good memory, then."

Vala's eyes had a moment of warmth before she went to her infirmary bed and Sam and Jolinar went to theirs. But their last thoughts were of something beyond this base. Sam had thought that dealing with Vala would help, but things weren't moving fast enough, and somewhere out there was movement in plenty. Jolinar was no less sure what exactly would fill the need, but they both sighed and wondered. Were they really feeling alive?