To Doubt Miss Buck
A work of fan fiction by Valkyrie Vanquish
Words: 2093
Summary: One-shot. M/A. Sometimes the perfect love is out there, especially for Max, but just because he isn't perfect doesn't mean that it can't be right.
Disclaimer: I do not own Dark Angel
Author's Note: First time writing a DA fan fiction, so please be nice. This is all fluff and epiphany, so, yes, consider it a warning if this work of fiction feels disturbing to you.
************
A girl had to know her priorities before she decided to want something in her life. At least that what Max always thought. The luxury to have what you wanted because you wanted it was not meant for her, for some other girl with less baggage maybe, but truly never her.
She could come up with one thousand of reasons why Logan was good for her, but the thing was they were not enough to convince her that she wanted him. Nevertheless, she had to want him, right? If not, what was the point of waiting so long to have him? Probably since the other option of waiting had scared her in caliber of having a train wreck after another kind of destiny. However, her life was exactly that, which was probably all right at present if she felt as if she were making the biggest mistake in her life.
Being with Logan was good because amidst all the differences he seemed to see what it was that connected them together. She could not see it yet, but she would, she promised herself.
Being with Logan was going to be good because he offered her stability in her life. She had baulked at the word 'security' being used, because if anything it was the only thing she herself had been capable of achieving all her life.
Being with Logan was good because he made her feel secure in his affection. There was no question that she was the love of his life.
Being with Logan was good because he had never put her through a roller coaster ride of emotion. After having an argument with him never left her raw and mentally disconnected like the one she always had had with other less significant than him sidekick. With Logan, every dispute always lead them to their basic ground of their relationship, she too guilty for being harsh, and he putting up a front that he was the good guy, the nice guy, the right guy.
Being with Logan was good, because at the end of the day he was the backup plan that allowed her to make any sort of mistake in her life. Mistake she never committed because truthfully it had never felt like one, which had been the sole reason as to why she should not even go that road.
Being with Logan was a good kind of American dream. The chief goal was to settle down with him after all the hardship they had endured, seeing that he had been the big cause in her life. However, like fighting a lost war, she consistently had to remind herself what was the point of having to pick up a weapon at all.
Being with Logan was good, because being with anyone just would be better than being with the one screw-up in her life.
Her hand paused in the attempt of brushing off a tiny smudge of lipstick as the reason entered her mind. She tried to get her mind back on the track of listing why Logan was good for her without having the thought of him, the screw-up, interrupting obviously and, more often than not, surreptitiously.
But she couldn't. Try as she might, it was like the proverbial Pandora's Box. Once the lid was open, thoughts and emotions surged through her like a punch in the gut.
Courses of event hidden back in the recess of her subconscious surfaced as she recalled when it had been that he had started to matter. Alec had been there. He had always been there. He had understood when she had not wanted him to. He had offered solace when she had reprimanded him about personal space. He had kissed her temple when she had been too self-disgusted to let anyone caringly touch her. He had protected her when she had all but acted tough the minute before she had lost her consciousness in his arms. He had been the one who had constantly touched her not just because he had been able to, but because they both had needed it, lest they lost that little something that made it worth waking up every morning for. It had been always there, this something between them, although she would have love to not admit it.
Yet, now, to realize the significance of all things that she had thought as worthless created a budding sense of an overwhelming panic attack.
Something had been there all along, from the very beginning and, now as she realized, to the day they died. Even though these past few months after the cure had made its appearance he had avoided her as if the virus had changed its course, she had always known from the things he had done and hadn't done that deep feeling he had for her.
Too late to find out that she finally reciprocated it, and how she reciprocated it…
"Boo, you better stop staring at yourself in the mirror and move your ass before the groom is having a panic attack," OC scolded her as she dabbed the tiny smudge of lipstick that the bride had been scrutinizing silently for the past ten minutes.
"Nice flowers. Didn't know that Alec could find them all. I mean really Gardenia is easy, but Casablanca Lily and white Orchid? Boy has some talent for sure." Cindy looked around the room and inhaled the soft perfume the elaborate flowers arrangements gave off as they embellished every corner of the small area.
"Guess who's not here?" Suddenly Asha was there, crowding her as she slipped beside her for a look in the mirror. Why the hell was the blonde pixie wannabe here?
"Heard from Sketchy, and all," blondie casually threw in as she checked her makeup. And why was she suddenly all in friendly term with her friends?
"He said Alec was leaving town two days ago. Wouldn't believe it if I didn't see him anywhere in the church, 'cause he would hate to miss this, don't you think?" Her eyes caught Max's eyes, and for a moment, Max could swear that she saw that tiny little satisfied look of vengeance across that allegedly nice girl's baby blue eyes.
Max was about to retort back when the realization suddenly hit her.
Alec had left.
Two days ago, he had left town, left her.
Guess there was a mini Pandora's Box inside of the big one, the tiny one that prompted the small push towards devastation, because one minute she had been sitting in front of the mirror, the next she had slipped to the floor wailing like a child all over her perfect wedding gown.
"Boo!? Max!?" Alarmed by the sudden outburst of the usually strong girl, OC immediately squatted down and tried to salvage the mascara emergency.
"What's wrong, girl?" Cindy asked her as she was trying to dry out the incoming tears by holding a tissue right bellow Max's eyes.
Max really wanted to answer her, she really did, but it was just that the question was so casually asked that she began to think that she was the only one here who could see the problem, and try as she might, she couldn't let any sound out.
"What the hell's wrong with her? It's finally time. Logan's waiting." Seemed like the wrong thing to say even coming out of Asha's mouth, as Max's wail grew louder.
"Baby Boo," OC tried to reason sternly, "Whatever the problem is, we'll get through this together, I promise you, but after the ceremony, okay? Because right now everyone is waiting and even if Logan's not my favorite person in the world, now's not the time for you to have a wedding jitter, two weeks ago when we pick out this dress maybe, but not now."
"OC," Max finally managed to croak, "Please get out."
"Max-"
"All of you, please just get out!" Her desperate tone escalated to hysteric.
Both girls immediately rushed out of the room after sending the bride an irritated stare, which Max could not bring herself to care. She was not in the right state of mind to attend to delicate sensibilities and wounded pride when she felt as if her life was falling apart around her because the one person, who should be here, was not there.
It would never occur to her that her momentary stupidity would cause his disappearance from her life forever.
She was marrying Logan because some lady said that even though you could not make yourself feel something you did not feel, you could make yourself do right in spite of your feelings. And she had thought she had done the right thing. But the right thing could never be, because it had just left town two days ago.
Fact was she would not want to be with anyone else if she could not be with Alec.
Like in every other destructive event that only an epiphany could have brought upon, she broke down and continued to weep miserably over her situation.
Wallowing in self-pity, not in a million years, could she have expected this,
"You cannot even do one thing right and walk the aisle at the appointed moment," Alec yelled as he slammed the door open and stalked angrily towards her.
She blinked trough her tears and stared at him in wonderment. He chose to ignore the look and saved it for later when he was sure that the ending was in his favor.
Grasping her arm, he pulled her against him as he lowered himself down on the carpeted floor.
"What are you crying about? You're not the one, who supposed to be crying. The queen of all righteous and cruel things should've walked down that aisle with her head held high. You're supposed to be glowing, for chrissake." The anger in his voice contradicted the soft touches of his fingers against her wet cheeks.
Her emotional collapse only permitted her one word that floated from her lips. "Alec,"
"I didn't come here for the cake or the free champagne," he cut her off, not even waiting to find out that she actually had nothing to say. Which was okay, because this was his moment, his action.
"I came only to tell you how stupid you are for even attempting this after I drag you back somewhere else." His other hand came up to cup her cheek, and spreading warmth began from that deep part of her that only a close few could really touch. Fresh tears sprung at his next words, "Because, Maxie, I really think that you're making a mistake here." Desperation almost broke his voice as he continued, "Because I just couldn't imagine you being with him in all eventualities of every right thing that this cosmos can throw upon us. Couldn't imagine you there waking up next to him ever y morning. Couldn't imagine your kids having his eyes. And when I tried, and I really mean try, to find it okay, it felt like something in me had died all over again. That's why it's just impossible that you're supposed to be with anyone but me."
At that moment, everything in her that had scorned hopes and every stupid causes of that stupid sentiment imploded, because truth was it was all she had lived for all her life.
The new emotion almost choked her since it did not allow her to response to his words in favorable rejoin. It seemed that today she was like all fluid and indecipherable noises.
Nevertheless, it did not matter to him because everything had to be disclosed first before she went back to covert ways that had nearly killed them both. So hands were cupping her cheeks tenderly, angling the position of her tears-blinded, straight stare. If before he had not needed an answer, this time he sure as hell needed one.
"Because, Maxie, it supposed to be me, right? I mean in everything, from morning until dawn and 'till death do us part and all that friggen shit. Because you don't want to be with anyone else if you can't be with me, do you?"
All it took was a nod, and then he cried too, because this was hard for him. He had gone out of his way and had hoped, and boy, did he really hate that sentiment.
So they sat there, two emotional wrecks holding each other like a lifeline, and things were finally right because she felt what she felt. And the most important thing was that he did as he felt. Finally.
******Fin******
A/N2: The title of this one-shot was inspired by a quote from Miss Pearl S. Buck, as also cited here, 'You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.' This quote is about action. I probably misused it, but the moment I read it, it just felt so Max and her situation, at least the way I imagine her to be.