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Chapter 28: At Rest

Julie looked in the mirror and smoothed her hair and then the simple black dress she was wearing. She glanced over at the bed where Stephanie was curled up with her thumb in her mouth, asleep, still dressed in her black skirt and white blouse. The wake was over at least.

"Cat?" Mikey walked in. She turned around.

"Hey kiddo," she said. "How you doing?" He shrugged and started picking at the wall. "Mike, you were really brave today, but you know it's OK to be sad."

"I know," he said.

"So what's up?" She said.

"Are you really gonna go back to California and leave us with Grandma and Grandpa?" He spit out. She looked at him.

"Mikey, I don't know," she shook her head. "I mean, my job's in California, and I don't want to take you and Steph away from school and your friends."

"Mom and Dad wanted us to be a family," he said.

"I know that," she said quietly. "I just don't think they counted on this happening like this Mike." He hugged her.

"I want you to stay," he said. She closed her eyes and held him close. "And you should marry Jimmy." She laughed. "Or Steve, I don't like that Peter guy."

"I'm not going to marry Steve," she said. "I think even Dad gave up on that one." He smiled.

"I guess," he said. "But not really. He and Mom used to fight about it." Julie looked at Mikey. "They thought I didn't hear, she would say that it was none of his business and you were happy and that was all that mattered. And then he would say that he didn't understand you and that was why you were so restless, and that he didn't want you to end up like your mother." Julie stared at him.

"Mikey," she whispered.

"But you are like her!" Mikey said, "Aren't you? You're leaving, you're always leaving." He was shouting. She stared at him frozen. "You always have! Dad wouldn't have left, and Mom wouldn't either. They didn't want to go, but you always want to!"

"Mikey listen to me," she walked over, "I don't want to leave, but I don't know if I'm the best person to take care of you guys." He stared up at her defiantly. She shuddered seeing his eyes so angry. Mikey looked so much like their father, and Cal hadn't yelled at her in years. "Go to bed. We'll talk more in the morning."

"No," he said.

"Mike," she groaned.

"You can't make me," he crossed his arms. "If you're not staying you're not in charge."

"Michael James, I am serious," she crossed her arms too. "Go to bed, now!" He stared at her. "If you want to wake up Stephie with all of this yelling please, keep going, you can get her calmed down and asleep again."

"Can I stay in here with you two?" He swallowed. "I couldn't sleep in my room."

"Yeah," she said. "Of course." She hugged him. "Go get changed." He nodded. "I love you Little Brother."

"I love you too," he said. "I want you to stay."

"I know," she said. "I want to stay. But you have to understand, this isn't just about what we want, it's about what's best for you and Steph." He looked at her. "Do you understand the difference?"

"I think so," he said. She hugged him again. He wandered out and Jimmy stood in the doorway. Julie looked over at him.

"You heard?" She sighed.

"Uh huh," he nodded. "For someone who doesn't think she can handle motherhood you did really well." She laughed. He kissed her softly. She accepted it, too tired to push him away.

"Did you do that kind of thing at first?" She said. "Lash out like that?"

"Me?" He shook his head. "Nah, Rick was awesome at it though. I mostly kept to myself." She nodded. "Are you ready for tomorrow?"

"No," she sighed, "I wasn't ready for today." He wrapped her up in a hug.

"I agree with Mikey, by the way," he said.

"You think I should marry Steve?" She said. "Hm, OK, if you say so." He laughed.

"No about Steve," he whispered and kissed her again. "If you stay, I stay. It's time to stop running Julia." She looked up at him. He kissed her forehead. "Sleep tight sweetheart, I'll be waiting when you're ready."

Steve walked quietly down the street with Taylor. They'd been together a lot in the past few days, both Tammy and Brett quietly understanding their need for it. They stopped reaching the corner.

"I'm leaving Brett," she said softly. He looked at her. "I've been thinking about it for a while. I would have ages ago, but then I got pregnant."

"Does anyone know?" He asked.

"Elyse did," she whispered. "She was trying to talk me out of it." She closed her eyes. "She said it was better for Aaron and the new baby if we," she sighed. "Do you ever think about it?"

"About what?" He asked.

"If Aaron had been yours?" She said. He looked away. "I think about it. I think about it a lot."

"Me too," he said. She looked up at him and they kissed each other passionately. He got caught up in it. In having her, his first love, in his arms, kissing him with every bit of emotion in her. "Taylor," he whispered gently moving her away. "No."

"It's alright," she said. "It really is."

"No it's not," he said. "You're married and pregnant." She swallowed. "Even if you are leaving Brett, which frankly, I'll believe when I see." She looked away. "I couldn't do that to him, not again."

"I'm not keeping this baby," she said.

"Don't say that," he said, his temper flaring. "You don't know what that means, or what it does!" She looked at him. "You have no idea Tay! You're definitely not strong enough for it."

"You know so much about it?" She said. He stared right at her. "Oh God! Steve, I didn't know," she whispered.

"It nearly broke her," he said. "And it almost ruined us." She went and hugged him.

"I don't see how any woman could not want to have your child," she whispered and kissed him.

"Cozy?" They turned and saw Tammy. She looked at him. "It's raining, you didn't bring a coat."

"Tammy," he sighed.

"It's fine Steve," she said. "Honestly, I've been waiting a really long time for this to happen. Either with her, or Julie or someone else!" Her eyes filled with tears and she turned around.

"Tammy, wait," he followed after her. "Listen, please!"

"She's married Steve, she's pregnant!" She said. "I know you're hurting right now, and I get that, but it does not give you the right to become a total ass hole!" He sighed and looked at her. "I love you, and I know you love me. But we're getting to the point where that's not enough anymore."

"And what is enough?" He asked. "You having a breakdown anytime we get near the conversation? Or me holding you when you cry over a guy you broke up with six years ago?" She looked away. "Because if we're going to talk about refusing to let go of the past, Tam, let's talk about it. Let's talk about how you've never let him go. Because deep down you still want to be the prom queen." She looked at him and swallowed.

"And you still want the prom queen to love you," she said harshly. "I'm staying for Julie, but after tomorrow, I'm going back to New York. You do whatever you want." She turned around and walked away.

The next morning Julie sat quietly in the church with Stephanie and Mikey on either side of her. Stephanie had her thumb in her mouth and her blanket in her other hand. Jaime and the grandparents had tried to take it away, but Julie had stepped in and said that was the silliest thing she ever heard, Stephanie could bring the blanket, and anything else she wanted thank you very much. She closed her eyes and held her breath as Steve stepped up to begin the eulogy. Tammy had slept in Julie's old room last night. She didn't have the energy to ask what was going on between them.

"Hello," Steve said softly. "For those who don't me, my name is Steve Callins. I grew up down the street from the Gaffneys, they were much more than neighbors to me, they were family. I knew Cal, before I knew anyone. His daughter Julie is my oldest and dearest friend in the world. Cal and Elyse were incredible people. They were parents, and friends and Cal was a hell of a hockey coach." There was a small titter of laughter. Julie smiled. The Bears were out in full today. She'd noticed a few Ducks too, besides the ones she knew would show. "Cal, um, he was incredibly brave. When his first wife, when Jaime left," he closed his eyes. "He was devastated, everyone could see it, even me and Julie and our friends, and we were really little. But that mended over time. But not completely, not until Elyse." Julie closed her eyes. "There were a couple of women before Elyse came around. Julie always had a plan to get rid of them." She smiled softly. "She was Daddy's girl, and she needed to keep him safe. They kept each other safe and I was really lucky, because I got to watch that. Then Elyse came and Julie realized, he someone new to keep him safe. And Mikey and Steph, they were a family, the five of them. Cal once told me that he'd been really lucky. He said that he got to live life twice. He had Jaime and Julie, and all the love that was there, and then he had Elyse and Mike and Steph, and so much more to love. He was a generous guy, he even shared his daughter with me for a few months," Julie smiled. "She'll tell it differently, if you ask her," she laughed. "But for twenty five years I've been lucky enough to count Cal Gaffney as my friend. I'll miss you Coach, I can say that much. I could use some of that advice right now." He looked at Tammy who looked up at him. She looked hard and unhappy, but not regretful, and that worried him.

Tammy stood quietly at the house, before everyone was back from the burial. She'd told Jaime she would handle everything for the repast, so that she could be at the cemetery. Mostly, she didn't want to be anywhere near Steve.

"Hi," she looked up and saw Fulton.

"Hi," she said softly. "What are you doing here?"

"We're all here," he said and sat down with her. "Except Connie, she didn't want to leave the baby yet."

"Right," Tammy said. "But why are you here, instead of at the cemetery?" He shrugged. "You look good."

"Thanks," he said. "You look really worn out." She smiled. "But in a beautiful way."

"I've been burning the candle at both ends," she said softly, "between Julie and Steve."

"How are you doing?" He said.

"They're both a mess, or separate messes I guess," she shook her head and stood up.

"That's fine," he said softly. "But that's not what I asked. I asked how you're doing?" She looked at him.

"I don't know," she shook her head. "I don't, I feel so lost, Fult." He nodded. "Did Tanya come with you?"

"No," he shook his head. "She had to work." She nodded. "Plus she doesn't even know Julie and she and Portman are not talking, I don't know why." Tammy looked away. She knew. "How are you and Steve doing?"

"Why don't you ask his pregnant married ex girlfriend?" She grumbled. Fulton looked at her curiously. "Sorry, I, we had a huge fight last night. I don't know what else to do." She sat down and put her head on his shoulder. "He said I never got over you. I think he might be right." He looked at her.

"Tammy, I," he said.

"I know," she said. "It's unfair to you to say it. Especially because I told you three years ago that I didn't want this, and you're marrying Tanya, I just, I needed to," he kissed her. She whimpered and pulled close. "Fix me, Fult, please. You're the only one who ever could."

"Tammy," he guided her away. "We can't do this."

"You love me don't you?" She said. "I know you do, you have to!" She kissed him again.

"I do love you," he said. She nodded. "Of course I do," he touched her face, "but honey, I can't fix you anymore." She swallowed. "I'm not that guy anymore." She looked at him and snuggled her head into his chest.

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