hi all :)

school again, meaning later updates (i know, i didnt think updates could possibly take longer than before but there we go)

thankyou for all the awesomely inspiring and nice reviews - my amazingly late update didnt deserve them so thankyou thankyou thankyou: musicstar13,angstar54 (whose fic rocks... cant wait for your next update :),XxSorenxX (emo... very emo hehe), Lacuna Lily (for the support and incredibly kind words, u really are awesome :), xteenuh102593 (-hugs u- ur so sweet, thankyou :), Gothic Saku-chan,nomanslandvicki starlit.kiss7,.Wax.Butterflies.,otaku-freak-16, Merridaine (thanks :) and daily (as always, thanks... and glad i made you laugh too :)

dedicated to daily and the last surviving member of team 7, always the survivor, your courage is inspiring :) - things can and will always get better :)

and to those who have recently read my fic and have added it to their favourites and alerts (or me to their favourites or alerts :) - im very very grateful for the support and ur all very sweet -cookies for all :)-

oh, and the references in this chapter are to some of the very first ones of this fic (i went back and reread the whole thing yesterday and re-edited to improve continuity... its much better now and ive tried to explain all the references but reading chapter 8 (i think) again in particular might help... hopefully my writings good enough that u wont need to though - anyway, enjoy -

recap:

I gave up after awhile, deciding that it hardly mattered what I looked like anyway, and remembering grimly all of the times I was told I was ugly or abnormal. What more could anyone possibly say that I hadn't heard before? What mildly shocked me was that I didn't care anymore. Who cares about petty squabbles and a bit of name-calling when the problems I had now were… no, I couldn't think about that. I walled those thoughts back up in my mind, refusing to examine them until later when I could deal with them and not have an audience to disapprove of my methods. The methods I had been avoiding for so long… but that didn't matter to me any more, whatever could get me through this I would welcome.

I went to class, just like any other day. I reached the door with my hand outstretched to open it and I allowed myself a moment, a sigh and surprisingly, a smile. This morning had been impossible… torturous… frightening… painful beyond belief.

It had been impossible.

But I had done it.

(btw, do the last two lines above this one seem familiar to anyone? ... hehe, see the authors note at the end of the chapter if they do :)

okey dokey... on with the chapter...

Masked Happiness

Chapter 18: Triumph

The shrill, deafening rings of the school bell made more than one person in the class jump, as it resounded off of the walls and in people's heads after the contrasting silence that had enshrouded the room seconds before.

Kakashi had insisted on teaching today (as opposed to his usual once over of the class and then work sheets or assignments which always left him, conveniently enough, with the time to read). As he so often did whenever he was lecturing, he commanded complete silence, not verbally but logically because he spoke in his usual quiet monotone and for taking notes to be possible even the scratching of pens and pencils needed to be somehow muted, ruling out any ideas of talk which would drown him out completely.

So the entire class had their heads over their pages and wrote as quietly as possible for the length of the lesson until the bell sharply marked the end of what most considered torture. Sakura however couldn't have been more grateful for the quiet time or the way taking notes took just enough energy to distract her but not enough to exhaust her anymore than she already was.

She also could have laughed at how easy it had been to pretend to be normal when no one was looking at or talking to her and she could keep her head down like everyone else, not needing any pretense as she wrote. She could have laughed, but she didn't. As it was she couldn't even manage a smile and the happiness she felt at not being talked to or looked at too closely – lest anyone see her tenuous hold on her composure – was nothing more than faint buoyancy that was lost in the well of despair surrounding her head and heart like a toxic haze.

As everyone in the room stood and the grating of chairs on the ground set everyone's teeth on edge after the silence, Sakura was more than happy to pick up her books and make a quick exit, unconcerned about her plan to escape for the lunch break and only come back when she absolutely had to for her next class so as to avoid having to speak.

She was more than slightly worried that if she tried to verbalise anything, it would come out as a squeak, or a scream… or nothing at all. She wasn't sure which would be worse so she contented herself with the hope that she wouldn't have to test it.

As she piled her books numbly into her hands however, not feeling their weight and hoping she had a good grip and wouldn't drop them, she looked up and felt before she saw Kakashi's eye on her. Knowing she wouldn't get away as easily as she had hoped, Sakura began to worry a little, perfunctorily because she was too numb to really feel the need to bother, and walked around her desk to the front of the room where he stood, waiting.

They both stood either side of his desk, his eye never leaving hers and hers trained resolutely on the ground. They both waited until everyone in the room had filed out, neither noticing the way Sasuke moved slower than usual and reached the door last before grudgingly disappearing through it and leaving them alone.

Even in the empty classroom the silence continued and though Sakura couldn't have cared less - her thoughts wandering between curious inspection of the floorboards and where they met the wall in the corner - Kakashi grew increasingly worried as the seconds ticked by and the silence persisted.

Having pondered worst-case-scenarios in his head for the majority of the lesson (he knew the lecture he had been giving by heart, speaking automatically and using the time to think, though he was more accustomed to using this tactic in fights rather than in the classroom) Kakashi was sure that, of the many scenarios he had dreamt up, the reality of the situation would be worse by far. He had never seen Sakura this bad before, even on the night she had collapsed in his arms from lack of food and blood loss before telling him all about her pain-filled past. That scared him. He thought he had already seen her at her lowest, the memory of it rising occasionally to torment him.

His eyes never left her downcast ones as he stepped fluidly around the desk separating them and pulled a chair from the front row of desks. Placing it behind Sakura and angling it so that she would be sitting at his desk from the opposite side, he then went to take her arm to guide her back into it, as she had yet to show any kind of response to his actions. The moment before his hand touched her forearm she flinched imperceptibly (though of course he noticed) and sat in the seat quickly.

Slightly startled and far more worried than before by her odd reaction, Kakashi made his way slowly around his desk to sit in his usual chair, facing her and placing his hands on the dark wooden surface of the desk before him, folding his arms as he leant forward, casting a speculative eye over her face again as though reassessing, trying to find something he'd missed.

Sakura kept her eyes down the entire time, surprising him slightly by her uncharacteristic stillness (last time they had been in this kind of situation she couldn't stop fidgeting out of nervousness) and continuing to stare at the ever so fascinating floorboards as though unaware of his gaze.

They sat in silence and neither knew how long for, Kakashi unsure for once on how to approach the situation and Sakura quite content to sit and not have to talk… or think… and continue discovering the subtle grooves in the wood under her feet.

After a time, when he felt that he had gone through every option in his head and all their possible consequences and had come up with the most practical, Kakashi broke the heavy silence.

'What's wrong?' he said simply, his quiet voice full of self-assurance that this was the only way to deal with the problem… head on.

He continued to watch as Sakura's head lifted slowly, unwillingly, as though she were a marionette whose strings had been pulled and she had no choice but to obey. Her eyes remained on the ground for as long as they could whilst she turned her face up, but eventually she had no option but to look at him, her eyes sliding up slowly to focus on his; facing the inevitable.

He held her gaze, neither wavering, his eyes burning with curiosity so palpable that even her hazy mind registered it. Her eyes, though she could physically see everything, albeit as though through a filter, appeared unseeing. There was no light in her eyes and the corner of Kakashi's eye creased as he frowned beneath his mask, concerned at how unresponsive she was. This was not the Sakura he was used to, even when she was revealing horrific secrets about herself. Something had changed.

'Sakura?' His soft voice broke the silence again.

He continued to watch her, this time looking for any signs that the problem was physical rather then the assumption he had been working on that it was mental or emotional. He looked over her face carefully, not missing the signs of sleep deprivation and obvious trauma of some kind but not able to find any signs of injury.

He noticed the particularly heavy make-up around certain areas of her face, no more than mildly curious about the way it was centered mostly around her chin and neck, but he found this inconsequential for the moment. Then his eyes slowly moved, almost unwillingly, to her arms. He wasn't able to see anything of course, Sakura always wore long sleeves these days and the desk concealed them either way, but she didn't miss the flick of his eyes as he checked anyway.

'That's not it' she spoke just as quietly as he had. She was very slightly surprised that she was able to speak at all and he was shocked out of his reverie, not only because she had finally spoken but also by the faint hoarseness of her voice from lack of use (it was the first time she had spoken since the day before) and, though he didn't know it, the events of the night before – namely being held up by her throat and choked.

His eyes darted back to her face but found nothing new there.

'What is it then?' He said gently, not wanting to miss the opportunity now that he had her talking and unable to think of another way to coax it out of her than to ask and keep asking till she answered.

Sakura continued to look blankly at him but his words kick-started her brain and she thought about whether or not she should tell him of the events of last night.

'Honey, I'm home.'

The haunting words broke through any remaining vestiges of haziness in her mind, piercing through her and making her shudder and look down again as her mind whirled. 'No,' she thought, suddenly very certain, 'telling him isn't an option, telling anyone isn't an option… at least not for the moment… I need to know more first, I don't even know what the situation is yet anyway… and I'm a ninja, I can handle this… this is the reason why I became one in the first place… I just need to… to do my own reconnaissance before I call for back-up…yeah that's it… no one needs to know until there is something to know... I can do this… and I was lucky last time I told Kakashi those things… he may not be so… nice… this time… I mean, this is different, last time it was just me making the mistakes… now its someone else too… personal weakness is one thing but how would he feel if he found out one of his own students couldn't defend herself the way I couldn't last night? He'd be disgusted… disappointed… no, I have to handle this on my own…'

Though she was scaring herself the more she thought it through and knew that she was deluding herself by thinking she could cope for much longer ('and it's only been a day!'), a small part of her wanted to prove herself by handling this situation on her own.

This small part of her consciousness complimented the much larger chunk of her mind that knew without a doubt that it was better to keep her mouth shut. Not only was she sure that it would be far safer around Him if no one else knew, (anyone she told was sure to try to do something about it… the keyword being 'try'… and he would more than likely beat them – anyone – in a fight… before beating her… far safer to put up with it for now and deal with it herself). There was also the tiny niggling fear in the very back of her mind that repeated the words ceaselessly that she had feared most since His return…

Why isn't mum back yet…?

So, resolutely and almost happily because she now had an acceptable (if slightly unrealistic) course of action, Sakura looked back up, meeting Kakashi's eye once again and calmly said the biggest and most unbelievable lie she was capable of.

'I'm fine'

Kakashi stared in shock which quickly dissolved into resignation. She wouldn't tell him. He had lost her. It was just like that day in his office, the first time she tried to tell him about her problems… that time Naruto had barged into the room before she could say anything, making her close up. He wondered what had affected her so much to produce the same affect this time. Who or what had barged into her thoughts?

He had watched her for the last few seconds, suddenly anxious when she had shuddered and looked away. He could almost hear the cogs turning in her mind as she thought furiously, over what he could (still) only guess at. But when she looked up again and spoke with such certainty the largest lie he had ever heard, as well as being disappointed (not in her but in himself, something had changed and he hadn't even noticed), he was as gob smacked as the great copy-nin was able to be. His eye widened as he looked at her now resolute face, the sudden fire in her eyes and wasn't sure whether to be relieved at the change, the life he could now see in her eyes, or even more concerned.

Her ability to lie had greatly improved as well, which worried him. He sighed internally at the amount of times during this month alone that she had unintentionally worried him over her wellbeing and wondered if he was really as competent a teacher and protector as he professed.

Startling him out of his thoughts yet again, Sakura suddenly stood and took a step before his voice, louder now and faintly authoritive stopped her.

'Wait. Please.' He added as an afterthought as she turned to face him. She didn't speak but he saw the question in her eyes. 'Finally responsive at least' he thought grimly, 'Just not the response I had hoped for'.

He spoke slowly and evenly. 'There is clearly something wrong…' he held his hand up to stop her as she opened her mouth to protest then continued, 'and I want to know exactly what it is. Now.' His tone softened, became almost pleading, 'Please? You know I'm here and I'll listen, that hasn't changed.'

He still spoke somewhat sternly but she could see the way his eye crinkled. Still frowning. She sat back down, knowing she would have to do this properly, no half-heartedness or laughing it off, he had to believe it. Some part of her mind realised she had hardened, become even colder. She wondered if she was turning into Sasuke.

She had to make him believe her and she could think of only one way to ensure that happened…

'I'm sorry Kakashi-sensei' she began seriously, looking down at her hands which were now in her lap. 'I'm sorry to have worried you, it's my problem and I felt that I should handle it myself. I cut myself again last night.'

Lying.

She looked up grimly, knowing he would be disappointed yet understanding, upset but willing to help. She had to wonder if he had ulterior motives for caring. She hadn't thought of that last time they had spoken about it… or any time before now but it occurred to her that maybe he did have other objectives. 'Probably the same ones as Sasuke… holding people back…' she thought and had to suppress a bitter laugh.

His eye looked sad and she knew instantly that it had worked. Now for damage control.

She held her left arm and looked sad; throwing in a small wince of pain for effect as she lightly touched her forearm, surprised but able to hide it when it actually hurt a bit, 'what the…?... damn, I'll look later.' And she pushed the thought to the back of her mind for the moment.

She knew his next question and pre-empted it.

'I'm sorry but do you mind if I don't show you? It was only small but I feel so ashamed, I don't want to think about it anymore. It was just a weak moment. I want to put it behind me and move on.'

Looking up she could see the indecision on his face and knew the perfect way to finish. It was also going to be a bigger lie than the one she had told before, although far more believable. She was undecided for the moment about whether to go back on something she still believed so completely, but two thoughts crossed her mind at once, deciding for her.

- He probably cared as much and for the same reasons as Sasuke. He probably always had.

- She needed to get out of this conversation now and make him believe this was the problem. The only problem.

She was decided and though she knew it was a lie, a small part of her wanted to believe it too… the larger part of her mind knowing that especially for tonight… to get through tonight… what she was about to say was completely impossible.

'I won't do it anymore. I want to stop.'

Both of them knew what she meant. It wasn't so long ago that they had sat in her bedroom and she had told him that she wasn't sure she wanted to stop cutting – effectively warning him that she had very little intention of doing so. Kakashi remembered the indecision on her face when she had said those words so long ago, indecision both about telling him that and about the words themselves.

He didn't expect her too stop… she hadn't gone to him of her own volition after all and hadn't had much choice but to tell him about her arm to at least explain the conspicuous injuries. He had only asked (and hoped fervently… and vainly it seemed) that she talk to him when she felt like doing it again.

He gazed at Sakura for a long moment, trying to read her face and decide if she meant it. She looked ashamed, upset, embarrassed and some other emotion he couldn't decipher, though he could tell she was fighting it from her face. He wondered if it was the expression she wore when she cried, unsure of what else it could be and why it looked so out of place.

He caught her eye when she looked up and gave her a small smile. The expression flitted across her face again, more evident this time but still so incompatible with her other emotions that he couldn't name it. He smiled anyway, knowing that he had to be supportive and that there wasn't much more he could do now other than be there when she needed him.

Though she fought the expression from her face, her lips twitched in what Kakashi thought was an answering smile to his own.

'Okay Sakura' he said gently. Her lips twitched again. 'You can go; I just want to make sure you understand that you really can come to me. Anytime. At all.' He stressed his point. Clearly the fact that she hadn't gone to him this time had not gone unnoticed. 'Remember, I'll be here whenever you need me.'

Sakura stood again, fighting the emotion from her face as hard as she could.

'Sakura?' She turned back to him but remained standing. 'I'm really proud of you Sakura.' He said softly, 'For facing your demons.' She almost laughed at the double meaning he had missed, even as she inwardly cringed at the obvious faith he had in her and her 'honesty'. She fought with all her might to keep her lips from twitching and her voice steady.

'Thank you Kakashi-sensei. I'll try my best.' She said, allowing the smile and trying to make it look hopeful rather than grim or mocking. She thought she did a bad job of it but he seemed to buy it.

Turning on her heel, Sakura left the room without another word.

He speculated momentarily on the emotion she had fought from her face so fiercely and then let it go. He was proud of her. She was going to fight and he knew she was going to win. It was only a small relapse after all…

He still sat uncertain for a moment. Maybe he would keep an eye on her just in case anyway. It wouldn't be the first time she had assured him she was fine when she wasn't. He just hoped that if she fell again, physically (the memory of that night still in his mind) or emotionally, that he would be there to catch her again.

He still felt the whisper of suspicion in the back of his mind though. The memory of Sakura clinging to him like a frightened child, or of her limp in his arms the night before, refused to let him believe her completely.

She almost laughed as soon as she was out of the door, the emotion she had tried to hide from him immediately filling her face.

He was wrong; she had been no where near crying.

It was triumph.

Grim, tainted triumph that filled and consumed her entire being and set the blood in her veins on fire from the warped excitement of it.

She had fooled him… him, the great copy-nin!... and was now free to deal with the real situation without any interference – for the moment. She knew she would have to watch what she said and how she acted for a while around him, but she found that she felt lighter. The one person who would have cared… who would have stepped in… who would have complicated everything because of (what she suspected was) his own misguided sense of duty was now suitably placated. She breathed a sigh of relief.

The thought that he was proud of her for something she knew wasn't true; for abstaining from something that she knew in a matter of hours she would be doing again brought her down into the depressing depths of her mind like quicksand. She knew, now that he believed her, she was alone in the situation she woke up to this morning.

But she fought the sinking feeling and pushed that thought aside to focus on her triumph, on the fact that she had succeeded in the first part of her new mission. That thought gave her hope that she could do the rest as well. She could handle this. Her thoughts flew to the many sharp things in her house with renewed desire that she thought she had buried and that His reappearance had dug up again.

She smiled, her mind replaying one of the many thoughts that seemed to follow her around lately.

'Whatever gets me through the day I will welcome.'

ok... yet another fairly depressing chapter lol... so much for uplifting... ah well, next chapter (19, my favourite number) will be saturated in sasusakuness and very very long... its also almost finished and then just needs editing :) - so it should be up in less than a month (hopefully in the next week or two but my computer doesnt like me much at the moment)

oh, thats reminds me... a little challenge to those who have read twilight... did the last two lines at the end of ch17 (the chapter before this one :) sound familiar? a million cookies to whoever knows what part that quote came from (and being fair, the words hid themselves somewhere in my subconscious, i honestly didnt know where i remembered them from when i wrote them in and was very shocked when i read that part of twilight again :) - yes, i am an idiot :)

for a faster update please give me lots and lots of inspiration and review? -and thanks for sticking with this fic everyone :) u really are awesome :)-