Before you listen to this, there's something you should know. My name is Nakamori Aoko. Yes, as in the Nakamori Aoko, daughter of Nakamori Ginzo and the head of the Kaitou KID Task-force. Oh, what's that? Kaitou KID? Yeah, as in that %*^ thief who goes around &#%& jumping off buildings and laughing like a #*% the whole *^$# night. If you haven't figured it out already, I hate KID. He's always making fun of hard working people, stealing gems for is own entertainment, and exhausting and making a fool of my dad! And why does he even steal? Does he think it's funny? He's obviously not making a profit out of the stupid heists. But I digress. The point is, he's annoying, and I hate him.

I also happen to be stuck in a closet with him.

Yup. I, Aoko, am stuck in a (rather large) closet with the world's most irritating thief. He deserves a trophy. That way I could take it and stick it up his-

Um, Nakamori-chan? Family friendly environment here.

Shut up, KID. Can't you unlock the door or something? The sooner we get out, the sooner I can get a mop and-

Hold that thought. My apologies, but I'd prefer to remain ignorant of what you would do with me and a mop. I've heard you can be quite... ah, efficient with one.

Breathe. It's just a thief. You can go a few minutes with him. You can resist the urge to murder him on the spot.

By the way, the locks are electric. Seeing as my heist doesn't actually start for a few hours, we're going to be in here a while.

$&^?!#&)$%#^*%

Good evening, dear listeners. If you're hearing this it means one of two things: I have successfully been murdered by Aoko and this is the only evidence, or I managed to survive but you found the tape anyway. If it's the first one and this is Nakamori-keibu, then I'd like to give you the plans for my funeral. First, I want you to hire the best living magicians in the world to preform. Next, fireworks. Lots and lots of fireworks. I also want to be in my suit when I'm buried, and make sure it's clean! Last of all, I want all my detectives here. Tantei-san, tantei-han, and tantei-kun. That would be Hakuba, Hattori, and the brat with glasses, in case you don't know. Just try not to let Hattori and Hakuba kill each other, ne?

Anyway, you probably want to know why we're in a closet. Let's just say it involved itching powder and an inflatable elephant. I'm not saying anymore. For the record, I winked there. I'll do it again. Wink! This time I smiled, too. Wink! Smi- thwack!

Um, Nakamori-chan? Where did you get that broom?

...

I always knew you could get mops from nowhere, but brooms, too? I'm not sure if I should be terrified or in awe right now. You know, you wouldn't make a half bad magician! I could teach you the ways of magic, and then you'd be able to make all sorts of cleaning utensils appear at will!

$# &^$&#% !

I'm impressed, Nakamori-chan! I daresay you outrank even the inspector with your vocabulary.

#%&#% &%* # !

You can do that? You must show me how! Who knew you had such amazing skills? Hey, wait. If you could put the broom down.. Now look, I know I wanted a demonstration but right now is not the best time-!

Excuse me for a moment while I run for my life.

This is Aoko, again. Sorry for making you listen to that idiotic thief. Daddy always says he has an amazing ability to give people headaches. In case you were wondering, he's out cold right now. I managed to nail him in the back of the head. As for why I haven't removed the hat... To be honest, I'm kind of afraid it's rigged. I really wouldn't be surprised if there was some sort of killer dove in his hair or something. Until I have armor and protective gloves, I'm not touching that thing. Some pepper spray would be useful, too.

I'd say it's been about a half hour since we got locked in here. Two and a half more before the heist is supposed to begin. It'll be a miracle if I get out of this alive. For the record, if I end up in a psychiatric hospital after this, I want a lawsuit. I'm friends with Mouri Ran, her mom's a lawyer. You might want to get her little brother into this, too. For whatever reason, he almost always manages to stop KID. I don't really care how. As long as someone gets that #$&* behind bars, I'm happy.

Crap, I think he's waking up. Maybe I can knock him out again before it's too late.

Owww. What the hell hit me? Wait, Ao- ah! Nakamori-chan! ...Did you just hit me with a broom? You know I could get a serious concussion from that!

KID.

Yes?

You have three seconds before I come over there and strangle you.

Haaaa... Haaaa... I... I think I did it... I swear I just saw my entire life flash before my eyes. Have you ever seen an angry Aoko? It's not a pretty sight. Well, it is. She's actually really cute when she's mad. The only problem is that there's a thin life between 'cute' and 'terrifying'. Or maybe it's just me. I'm just thanking whoever invented sleeping gas. I swear, I'd be dead now if it weren't for that person. So thank you, whoever you are.

Alright, I've decided something. It's quite possible that I will be killed within the next two-and-a-half hours. More or less. Actually, it's almost definite. 75%, I'd say. So I'm going to record my will. I've already given you my funeral plans.

I, Kaitou KID, certify that I am of mostly sound mental health and contractual capacity.

I hereby revoke any other wills and codicils I may have previously executed.

I appoint Konosuke Jii as executor of this will.

I empower the executor to pay all of my debts, funeral expenses, taxes and estate administration expenses.

First is the matter of my doves. I would like one, the dove with the scarred wing, to go to Edogawa Conan. If he is not available, then he shall go to Kudo Shinichi. The rest are to be taken care of either by Konosuke Jii or my mother, Kuro- oh, are you awake, Nakamori-chan? I was just recording my will. If you would just wear these earmuffs so I can continue... No? Oh, by the way, I have your broom.

#?*&^$)8 $^(&7(*Y^&%#% !

Nakamori-chan, if you keep this up I'll have to wash your mouth out with soap. Do you realize that kids might listen to this?

KID, I swear that if you say one more word-

I die? I figured, you can be really predictable sometimes. My offer for magic lessons still stands, you know. Then no one would be able to predict your next move... Shutting up now.

I wonder if he has duct tape. Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, they say. And in my case, it's a pound of diamond as long as it gets him to shut up. Now where was I?...I can't even remember what I was saying thanks to that &%#^- Not one word. You realize that Hakuba-kun's my classmate, right? I know how to dispose of bodies.

Say, Nakamori-chan? How would you like a sing-along? Come on, name a song, if I know it I'll sing it.

Ignore him. Ignore him. You don't want a criminal record.

No requests? Alright then. *ahem* Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my daaaaarrliiing-

DIE!

...Yeah, I don't know.