hello peoples :) - in all honesty im updating faster than i thought i would and its longer than usual so yay :) - it also may be a while before i can update again (although i have begun the next chapter) so leave me nice LONG reviews to keep me writing...please? pretty please?

thankyou so much to Merridaine, dailyangel, nomanslandvicki, angstar54, Gothic Saku-chan, xteenuh102593 and Night'sBullet for reviewing and getting my butt into gear to update, i luvs u all :)

the quote from the end of chapter 17 that i mentioned last chapter - "it was impossible, but i did it", angstar54 got it right! she wins her million cookies! :) (proving she's just as obsessed as me with twilight... speaking of which, read her twilight fic! its fantastic :) - incidentally, the quote was from pg 401 (of my edition of the book anyway) and was when edward was explaining in the hospital at the end how he had stopped himself from draining bella completely when removing the poison from her body. -- god knows why i thought of that when writing about sakura and the abuse but there you go... im strange :)

dedications - yup this one has a few -

to myfailsafe for being an amazing new friend and because her writing is really inspiring - go check out her fics people!! particularly 'a little less than forgotten' which im addicted to at the moment... honestly, no pun intended :)

to daily for her amazingly long-standing and unwavering friendship... seemingly in everything i do, you are really awesome, and the word hardly says it all, thank you so much :) (and could you please pass on the following? :)

and to the last member of team seven, simply put, your courage and happiness precedes you, im so happy that you like any of my writing at all and i really hope you like this chapter too, dont get carried away with the cheering... or the pillow fights with daily :) - always have fun hugs u :)

oh, as long as this authors note is getting (im shutting up soon i promise...) i guess a recap is needed so here we go:

He was wrong; she had been no where near crying.

It was triumph.

Grim, tainted triumph that filled and consumed her entire being and set the blood in her veins on fire from the warped excitement of it.

She had fooled him… him, the great copy-nin!... and was now free to deal with the real situation without any interference – for the moment. She knew she would have to watch what she said and how she acted for a while around him, but she found that she felt lighter. The one person who would have cared… who would have stepped in… who would have complicated everything because of (what she suspected was) his own misguided sense of duty was now suitably placated. She breathed a sigh of relief.

The thought that he was proud of her for something she knew wasn't true; for abstaining from something that she knew in a matter of hours she would be doing again brought her down into the depressing depths of her mind like quicksand. She knew, now that he believed her, she was alone in the situation she woke up to this morning.

But she fought the sinking feeling and pushed that thought aside to focus on her triumph, on the fact that she had succeeded in the first part of her new mission. That thought gave her hope that she could do the rest as well. She could handle this. Her thoughts flew to the many sharp things in her house with renewed desire that she thought she had buried and that His reappearance had dug up again.

She smiled, her mind replaying one of the many thoughts that seemed to follow her around lately.

'Whatever gets me through the day I will welcome.'

onwards people :)

Masked Happiness

Chapter 19: Moths

Walking down the silent hallway and fervently thanking whoever it was that invented lunch breaks – or maybe the one who made the rule that they be enjoyed outside – Sakura tried to think of ways to kill time until her next class began while being as close to ecstatic as it was possible for her to be right now about the completely deserted hallway and the remnants of her triumph.

She walked as slowly as she could, still at a loss as to what to do for the remaining twenty minutes. She did not want to be around people, she'd almost prefer to go home than that… and that was the last thing she wanted to do. But because Kakashi had kept her back for their little chat she now had just enough time to be bored out of her mind and not enough to be able to remedy the problem.

Her mind flickered to thoughts about the class that morning, a notable absence that she hadn't picked up on at the time making her pause and think harder.

Gaara hadn't been there.

With nothing else to occupy her mind, Sakura went to her locker and sat down on the ground with her back against it, wondering vaguely why he wouldn't have been in class.

She rested the back of her head against the cold steel behind her and let her thoughts wander aimlessly through her head. She hadn't brought lunch today (food had been the last thing on her mind when she had left the house that morning). She wasn't particularly hungry though. This surprised her because she realised she couldn't remember the last time she had eaten.

'It wasn't this morning… that seems like so long ago now… wasn't last night either… wait when He got to the… house…' she refused to think of it as home now and she cringed away from the word where He was concerned anyway, before continuing her train of thought, 'When He got there… I'd gone home to get my lunch… no wonder Kakashi was worried, I never went back to school yesterday after lunch… which means the last time I ate was breakfast… yesterday… I think… I must look terrible right now… I can't believe I only just remembered, about food and Gaara and everything… hold on…' as her thoughts started getting away from her she remembered something else.

Something that had happened when she was talking to Kakashi.

(Flashback)

She held her left arm and looked sad; throwing in a small wince of pain for effect as she lightly touched her forearm, surprised but able to hide it when it actually hurt a bit, 'what the…?... damn, I'll look later.' And she pushed the thought to the back of her mind for the moment.

(End flashback)

As the thought re-surfaced, Sakura rolled her sleeve up, able to look now that she was away from prying eyes. As she pulled the long sleeve back from her arm she was shocked to see the worn-looking bandage around her left arm, winding from her elbow down to her wrist. Peeling it back hesitantly she instantly remembered what Gaara had said the last time they had spoken. It was only yesterday but it felt like an age ago and she wished now that she had listened to him.

(Flashback)

'I'll take that as a yes then.' She continued, smiling brightly and giggling before flinching slightly as Gaara grabbed her arm and raised her sleeve to reveal the bandage. She turned to look at him to find him staring intently at it before he raised his eyes to hers.

'You should have changed these bandages, I was in a rush last night and your arm really needs to be rebound properly.'

'Oh it's alright; I was in a rush myself this morning and I didn't have time but I'll do it tonight. Don't worry.'

(End flashback)

'Crap' was the only thought that went through her head when she thought about two nights ago when Gaara had removed copious amounts of sand from her arm, grain by grain – a form of torture in Suna (although he had done it as gently as possible). He had bound her arm but it should have been redressed that morning… it was now two days later and her arm was wrapped in the same bloodied bandages.

She knew it would hurt and tried to hold it in, but she couldn't help but whimper slightly as she pulled the gauze away from her cuts slowly. It stuck like glue as the blood had dried and bonded the material to the sensitive flesh. In the end it was taking so long and was so painful that she had to reassess her methods. She decided after a moment on a pre-approved method for this kind of thing… for a beautician… waxing…

She shut her eyes tightly and didn't pull so much as rip.

She gasped slightly as the pain lanced through her arm and every single cut that had bled (which was pretty much all of the cuts she had ever made) were re-opened forcefully.

She looked at her arm which was throbbing, the crimson liquid flowing over her skin at an alarming rate, already beginning to drip onto her clothes and swore quietly. Thinking about her previous plans for that night she smiled grimly, her eyes tight. 'Who said I needed anything sharp?'

She sighed as she watched, dimly mesmerized, as she rested her arm against her withdrawn knees and looked closely at each cut, knowing that she had done more damage to her arm by ripping the gauze off than the bandage had healed two days ago to begin with.

'Waste of time,' Sakura muttered as she stood, referring to the many things this sentiment seemed to apply to from the last few days. Gaara removing the sand from her arm, him bandaging it afterward, going home yesterday to get her lunch, the conversation with Kakashi… 'Living in the first place …' she added pessimistically and half-heartedly to her mental list as she walked slowly to the girl's bathroom to clean up.

'Sakura?'

She swore quietly again. 'That's really turning into a habit isn't it?' she thought idly as she stopped walking but didn't turn around. 'Although it's not like I don't have good enough excuses to swear I guess…' She knew she should be thinking of a way out of her newest predicament –'they just keep piling up' – but she couldn't seem to summon the strength to care enough and her thoughts turned into an uncaring commentary of the situation instead.

She wondered if she was finally going insane. The thought made a small, grim smile come to her face as though she'd told a joke and she wondered at that too before the realisation of why she was smiling hit her full force and she felt like she'd had the wind knocked out of her. 'Oh no, I'm becoming like Him… I'm going insane just like Him! And I'm so far gone I think its funny!'

A part of her knew it wasn't rational in the least but the idea made her starved, exhausted mind whirl and made her slightly hysterical. She stifled a gasp, unthinkingly with her left hand, as she felt her legs trembling and an intense pain pierce her stomach.

Everything had abruptly become too much to handle.

Fear, fatigue and lack of food made her knees hit the ground with a thud and more pain registered in her mind sharply because of it.

'Sakura?!'

The all-too-familiar voice behind her was panicked now. 'funny,' she thought vaguely as she felt her consciousness slipping, though she held on with everything she had and fought off the black dots suddenly dancing across her vision, 'panic makes his voice sound so unfamiliar… I wonder what's wrong… must be bad…'

The black dots abated for a moment and she used the brief respite to turn her head and look at who had been calling to her, wondering why he seemed so frightened and sure that she should probably be feeling quite unnerved by his uncharacteristic reaction. Nothing ever fazed him, what could be so bad?

But she was too numb… too far gone to feel anything anymore. So when she turned her eyes upwards and on the approaching Uchiha they were vacant and only a little tinged with distant curiosity at his panic. The dots returned with alarming force and she couldn't withstand this new assault. She was vaguely aware of him sinking fluidly to his knees in front of her, though she couldn't see around the growing black areas in her vision to see his face clearly. She remembered her earlier words through the haze in her mind, 'Waste of time' and succumbed to the darkness.

He had seen her at the end of the hallway, almost at the girl's bathroom, and seen her faltering, making slower and slower progress as she continued walking. He had been hoping to catch her at some point through the day to make sure she was alright after the way she had looked that morning in class, so he'd called out to her.

She had stopped but to his intense surprise she hadn't turned. She was still for a moment, from this distance he was unable to hear anything, and suddenly she was collapsing.

The echoing thud of her knees as they hit the ground painfully made him flinch.

He called out to her again, too shocked for a moment to move before taking long strides down the hall towards her, trying not to run. He reached her quickly and she turned her head to look up at him with dead eyes that even managed to make him shiver.

He knelt quickly in front of her, their eyes almost level; hers never leaving his as though she was hypnotized. He quickly looked down and saw that she was loosely grasping her arm to her chest, blood blossoming from it and covering her quicker than he would have thought possible, sluggishly killing her.

His eyes widened and lingered on her arm for a moment, assessing it quickly and deciding it needed to be seen to as quickly as possible. He looked back up to her face and noticed with a sharp intake of breath that her pale face had streaks of blood on it, the effect making a strange sensation twist in his stomach. No matter how slight, he hadn't felt that twinge of fear for a long time. There was something else too, in the sickening pull of his stomach, something he couldn't put his finger on and didn't have the time to either, so he pushed the thought to the back of his mind for later examination.

Her eyes were half lidded and she was swaying ever so slightly, first one direction then another, a delicate flower in a non-existant breeze.

He had little warning when she suddenly fell sideways, her eyes sliding closed completely. He grabbed her shoulders before she hit the floor and slipped his other arm under her knees which had straightened as she fell. He had wanted to catch her today but this wasn't what he'd had in mind. Lifting her effortlessly – more effortlessly than the last time, he noted with a pang of concern, realising it meant she weighed less than she did three days ago – he stood easily with her in his arms and stopped for a moment, wondering where to take her.

Luckily everyone else was outside still, enjoying their lunch and free-time before their next classes so he didn't have an audience. He remembered Sakura's arm a second later and was doubly thankful for the lack of prying eyes in the deserted hallway. He wasn't sure if it would look more like he was saving her or had just murdered her and was ditching the body.

After a moment of indecision in which Sasuke glanced down at Sakura's face as though wondering if she had any ideas, he decided to take her to his own house. He obviously couldn't leave her here and he was sure that if he turned up at her house this way and her mother or father were there, they might wonder what the Uchiha kid had done to their daughter.

Leaving her with the school nurse wasn't an option, he needed to get to the bottom of this and it was clear that Sakura didn't want whatever was happening with her to be public knowledge either.

Gripping her limp form to his body tighter, Sasuke checked the large front doors of the school for any students who had decided to go home for lunch or hang out in front of the school and, shielding Sakura with his body as much as possible from the few students he could see bunched together around the entrance, he slipped unnoticed through the doors and walked swiftly off of the school grounds and towards his house.

Once out of sight of the school, Sasuke moved faster, deciding to jump through trees and across rooftops instead of going by the street to avoid unwanted attention. Leaves, concrete and roof tiles all passed in a blur as his worry mounted. Flitting as silently as a ghost, his footing perfect despite the ever-changing surfaces, Sasuke contemplated the several thoughts fighting in his mind for dominance.

The first was the most urgent and occupied his thoughts for most of the short journey to his apartment – why was Sakura hurt and how badly?

His face twisted into an unfamiliar mask of concern when he looked down every few seconds and noticed the smear of blood on her ever-paling face, or her arm, still loosely held to her chest, pouring blood constantly onto her clothing and creating mental images in Sasuke's head that he knew would always be there, haunting him when he let his guard down. The blood pooled on the dense cloth covering her chest and ran onto Sasuke's clothing; staining them both and making his stomach lurch at the knowledge that he was now covered in her blood.

He reached his apartment faster than he ever had from the school before, which was saying something because he had rushed back to his apartment many times, but for a different reason. Those fan-girls could really run. The thought made him snigger briefly as he thought of the lengths he had gone to (and had been forced to go to) to get away from the many girls in the village who seemed obsessed with him. The snigger quickly faded into a frown as he considered the fan-girl in his arms.

He had been jumping mostly from rooftop to rooftop and eventually made the well-practiced leap from the rooftop of the building next door, to his apartment's bedroom window. He climbed over the windowsill and shielded Sakura's head carefully to make sure it didn't get hit. Once inside he turned and, holding her weight with one arm, he used the other to pull the window shut and the curtain closed, muting the light and causing a soft, deep blue hue to fall over his room.

Sasuke kept cradling Sakura in the crook of one arm as he crossed his room and pulled his thick quilt back before placing her gently on his bed. His room was fairly plain, the only colours in it being the deep blues of the curtains and walls and the black of his desk and chair in one corner of the average-sized room, the wardrobe in the opposite corner and the sheets, blankets and pillows on his bed also black. The deep blue light cast over the room from the sunlight filtering through his curtains added a sense of quiet peacefulness to the room, reminding Sasuke briefly of why he liked it here. It was one of the only places he liked to be alone in and could have some peace while soaking up the calming atmosphere, able to just sit and think.

He looked at Sakura lying so helplessly on his bed and felt the strange tug pull at his stomach stronger than ever, an unnamable emotion trying to get out, before he looked at her face again and the tug turned fierce. He mentally berated himself before leaving the room quickly to find the medical supplies he kept in his bathroom. He made sure they were always extensive and well-stocked but he never thought he would be using them for this.

Returning to his room he set the equipment down on the carpet next to his bed and knelt beside it, his face level with Sakura's as it lay on the pillow facing the ceiling. He took a moment to look at her face like he had three days before when he had pulled her from the water. The difference was staggering.

Her lashes still caressed her cheeks but her cheekbones had risen slightly as the skin was drawn back over them and the area underneath appeared hollow. Her skin was still smooth but more pale than it had been and somehow more delicate looking, like it could tear so easily. Too easily. He noticed the way the corner of her mouth seemed to naturally turn down now, making her look permanently unhappy, the opposite of who she had been. 'Seems so long ago now that she was happy… and she was… naturally, a happy person… what happened…?'

Still deep in thought, Sasuke turned to the bowl of warm water he had just set down and picked up a cloth he had retrieved from the bathroom. Submerging the cloth in the water completely before wringing it out over the bowl to make sure it wouldn't drip, Sasuke delicately moved Sakura's arm on the bed so that it was facing upwards and would be accessible to him but not uncomfortable for her, before dabbing the cloth at her wrist lightly.

He did this once and then stopped to see if she would react at all, judging her alertness.

She didn't even twitch.

Sasuke thought this was strange, but it wasn't the strangest thing he had seen that day and he was being extremely gentle, it was possible she was just too far under to register his light touch. He scoffed at his terrible excuse and pushed the ever-mounting worry over Sakura's state of health away, focusing instead on removing the blood that was rapidly congealing on her arm even as it continued to pour out of it.

He wanted to know what had caused so much blood loss and what kind of injury could possibly be sustained from a mission or an accident at home that would have wounded her arm so badly and in such a strange place on her body.

Slowly the mingled flakes of the dry blood and the still flowing crimson of the liquid that was quickly being diluted by the damp cloth came away from Sakura's skin. The rusty, coppery smell filled Sasuke's nose, creating even more unpleasant memories to haunt him in future as it accompanied the sight of the water in the bowl rapidly staining from Sakura's blood when he plunged the cloth in the first time. It didn't take long but by the time Sakura's arm was clean the water was so discoloured he couldn't see the bottom of the shallow bowl.

He was beginning to get annoyed at the periodic twinges the sight of her blood caused in the pit of his stomach.

Sasuke ran the dampened cloth over her skin once again, the unclean water creating a rosy sheen over her skin before he used another cloth, dry this time, to gently wipe away the water and see the wounds clearly.

Sasuke wasn't stupid. He knew immediately what kind of cuts these were, so straight and controlled, perfectly parallel to each other, having seen and heard of many a broken ninja found after a particularly bad mission with these exact kinds of scars running up their arms, legs – any accessible area which would bleed and be easily covered. Usually they weren't found breathing, whether from a conveniently placed rope around their neck or a purposely excessive amount of drugs in their system, or simply of blood loss from the cuts themselves, whether accidental or purely for the purpose of ending their life.

He felt sick. And, for the first time in a very long time he felt really frightened.

He couldn't fathom why Sakura – sweet, kind, apparently well-adjusted, happy Sakura – would do this, and why nobody had noticed… why he hadn't noticed. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed. But then… all those times, in the last few weeks especially… he seemed to always be worried or suspicious when it came to Sakura lately and now he knew why.

Suddenly the very recent memory of Sakura half drowned, dripping wet and barely breathing exploded into his mind and he felt another wave of shock hit him harder as he saw the memory through new eyes… he had thought she was going to drown… he had saved her… she had said she had simply fallen asleep and was washed away… could he still believe that?

He gazed at the gaunt, sickly pale face of his teammate… his friend… although he doubted she knew he thought that… and his first question, the one that had occupied his mind the whole way home from school was all he could think of… why would she do this in the first place?

He didn't know how long he sat and simply stared, alternately between her face and her arm, contemplating how this could have happened… completely unnoticed… before eventually deciding it was time to bandage her arm.

He wasn't sure what had happened but somehow it looked as though she had made all of the cuts at the same time, and yet he knew no matter what she did or how she acted she wasn't stupid, ('although her recent actions call that into question too', he thought, slightly angry now with concern). Even so, she wouldn't really have done all of this sitting against her locker with twenty minutes left of lunch. And he hadn't found anything sharp in her hand or near her so he was at a loss as to how she had managed it.

He would have to ask her when she woke up. He had already made his decision about that. She wasn't going anywhere until he knew what was going on with her.

Slowly Sasuke held her arm and taped a long strip of gauze over the cuts before weaving the bandage over and under her arm, binding it gently but securely.

He was checking his handiwork, making sure it wouldn't come off and wasn't cutting off her circulation either when he noticed a pair of very hazy, very green and very open eyes watching his movements.

She hadn't made a sound and he wasn't sure how long she had been awake and watching him for, her uncharacteristic silence (especially in his presence and under such circumstances) reminding him of the very important conversation they would need to have and the huge amount of differences he could now see so clearly in Sakura and wondered at how he had ever managed to miss. He could see himself in the dead look of her eyes and it scared him.

'Sakura?' Sasuke asked softly after a moment of silence. He wasn't entirely sure she was fully conscious. Her eyes were open but the dead look could have been the same as the one he had been seeing for weeks or the result of the blood loss. For her part, Sakura was more than a little confused. She had been in the hallway at school hadn't she? Leaning against her locker and pulling off her bandage… no… walking, well stumbling, towards the girl's bathroom to clean up… and she had heard Sasuke… he'd sounded so panicked.

She remembered now that she should have been scared before, the feeling rising belatedly but full-force nevertheless and she suddenly sat up, startling her and Sasuke, making him jump slightly and creating the largest bout of dizziness she had had for a long while.

Her head seemed to swim for awhile, fear forgotten for a moment, and she felt a hand on her shoulder, pushing her back down as her head swayed in time with the current in her mind. She heard a quiet chuckle, and she too was reminded by the similarity of this situation to that of a few days ago and her first of many near-death experiences that falling asleep by the river had caused and that Sasuke's appearance had narrowly prevented.

She realised after a moment that her head was back on the pillow and thought it best to leave it there, instead deciding to simply turn it, trying to make the movement as small as possible so as not to provoke the strange mental current from washing her brain away, to look at Sasuke.

'W-what happened?' She rasped, wondering why her voice sounded so odd. A lot of things seemed to be odd today actually. Upon reflection and a brief scan of her surroundings (including Sasuke's face) she felt quite disconnected from her body because of the complete lack of familiarity in… well, anything. It was disorienting. She was in a room she had never seen before, on a bed she had never seen (or felt) before, and looking at a face she had never seen wearing such an emotion. And she had no idea how any of it had happened.

Her head spun sickeningly again.

'Quite a bit happened, and not all of it I can explain.' Sasuke replied, still quiet, as his eyes were directed pointedly at her arm which lay on the bed between them.

She looked down and found her arm covered in new crisp, white bandages. She cursed her sluggish brain as she blurted the first thought that entered her otherwise bereft mind.

'Oh yeah, never got to that part.' She said, remembering slowly when she had ripped off the old, bloodied bandage (painfully) against her locker, obviously intending to re-bandage it and wondering how she came to be here instead.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow incredulously. 'As if the situation wasn't bizarre enough' he thought, 'she's either insane or this is just the blood loss talking… or a bit of both' he reflected on her now obvious recent behavior grimly.

A moment too late Sakura realised several things that hit her hard.

Sasuke knew at least one of her secrets and he definitely wasn't going to be as easy to fool as Kakashi had been if it came to that… she only got away with that because she manipulated Kakashi's emotions… Sasuke had none to manipulate as far as she was concerned ('if he cares enough to need an explanation… highly doubtful, but still… he does like to meddle…)

She was alone with Sasuke, and a quick inspection of her surroundings revealed what would pass quite easily for his bedroom. The colours suited him. This also meant that she was, in effect, sleeping in his bed (and possibly leaving blood stains in it). The thought that would have brought a crimson blush so rapidly to her face a few months ago only tinged her cheeks pink briefly now before her pale complexion was back and she waited for him to say something. She had no idea what he thought or how much he knew and wasn't giving anything away. She no longer cared what he thought. Up until last night she still cared, even if only slightly, about what people thought of her, even Sasuke.

But then He came back and everything had shifted. Opinions no longer mattered, her's or other's. They were irrelevant. Thinking of a way out of her situation was all that mattered now and it appeared to be a full time job needing all her efforts and attention. Her mind was a numb, desolate place when not filled with thoughts about escape from that place and that man and she couldn't bring herself to care about what anyone said or thought anymore. Especially Sasuke, who she was convinced, had no idea she existed to the point that he would probably ignore her, even if she said something to him directly… oh wait, he did. Regularly.

Her mind (more sluggishly than usual) came to these conclusions, and the silence dragged annoyingly as Sasuke sat and stared at her arm, clearly waiting in his usual stoic fashion for her to say something, 'probably a "thank you Sasuke-kun, you're my hero"' thought Sakura scathingly, ignoring the fact that she would have said exactly that a few months ago had she found herself in this situation, 'what a complete and utter…' she found a few choice words spring forth from the depths of her mind (none of them complimentary).

This startled her a second later when she remembered that, whatever his reasoning, Sasuke had gotten her here, to his house and his bed and taken care of her. Sakura stared at the ceiling above her as she thought all this before shutting her eyes and raising her good arm to pinch the bridge of her nose between her finger and thumb, 'One day in the same situation as before He left and I've become an absolute bitch… heh, well, He would have told me that next time he saw me anyway… I did leave the house without permission after all… and he wants me to want to be with him more… well he used to… wonder if he still wants that… this is so not helping right now' she eventually reasoned as she pinched harder, sending the tiniest bit of pain through her head as her fingernails bit into the skin.

This calmed her immensely for a second, breaking through her thoughts and emotions and distracting her from them, before she felt the lightest touch of Sasuke's fingertips over her's. She immediately loosened them in response to the warmth of his hand and opened her eyes to see him staring intently at her. Lowering her hand back to her side, his fingers stayed over the crescent shaped indentations her nails had left in her skin, his fingertips ghosting over them.

Sakura ignored the familiar feeling that she felt flutter in her stomach.

She was well used to it from those times Sasuke had spared her a look whilst talking battle strategy or a glare to tell her to leave him alone, but she hadn't felt that feeling in a long time. She guessed she no longer cared (she had bigger issues in life right now, and had for quite a while), but being here with him now, in his bed, with his fingertips brushing the bridge of her nose, she couldn't help but feel like she had swallowed several butterflies (and from the feeling they were making somewhere near her ribcage they were pissed).

She brushed the feeling away (she didn't know it, but she was much better when it came to this feeling than Sasuke, who was currently having the same problem, and no idea what the pissed off butterflies meant… though of course he didn't think of them as butterflies… they felt more like moths anyway…)

She looked into his eyes and he stared back into hers as he wished he could remove the marks she had just left on her skin… all of the marks she had ever left on her skin.

Why did she like to cause herself pain?

Remembering how easily he had thought her skin looked like it could tear, and how she had in fact been tearing at it herself, he let the concern show on his face for once. His fingers moved from her nose to briefly brush her cheekbone and the dark area beneath her eye with his thumb as she continued to watch his face unflinchingly; her's betraying none of her emotion and his, for once, showing them all. He was worried about her (amongst the myriad of other unknown emotions he was feeling… those moths were beating one hell of a drum solo against his ribcage) and he wanted to help.

The thought didn't shock him as much as he thought it would, making him realise that he had wanted to help her for a while. And not just for the team or to keep her from holding him back. He wanted to help her because he knew she'd needed it. Needed him. Needed someone.

He removed his hand and set it in his lap as he continued to stare at her and she stared back. Her thoughts on her recent habit of swearing had reminded her of something. She had been thinking about this habit just before she fainted too, making her remember the situation more clearly.

'You were panicked before.' Sakura said simply, almost in a whisper, although even whilst speaking so quietly she couldn't avoid the raspiness of her voice. Sasuke frowned slightly in confusion as they continued to look at each other. She continued, 'Just before I… what happened?' she asked, suddenly puzzled again by the missing pieces of memory that somehow had gotten her from her locker at school to Sasuke's bed.

'You fainted, just collapsed in the middle of the hallway,' Sasuke answered softly, his voice adding to the calming effect of the muted blue light of the room. His voice betrayed none of his discomfort at remembering how vulnerable she had looked. 'I brought you here to avoid any unwanted explanations. For both of us.' He murmured the last part but she still heard it.

She realised, covered in blood the way she was, he couldn't have taken her to anyone else without having a good explanation or they would assume he was the cause for the state she was in (considering it was a school day, he could hardly have said it was training or a mission). And she felt a sudden wave of gratitude towards him for also sparing her the need to explain her current state to anyone else.

Although that still left him, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to get away with a simple 'thanks' before she left. Either way she still felt the need to say it.

'Thank you,' she said, and she meant it.

He could hear the sincerity in her words as she looked him in the eye and thanked him. He continued to watch her, saying nothing and seeing now something else he had missed before. Without him seeing, even noticing, she had become stronger.

He knew she was stronger physically, they all were, and getting better with every training session and every mission. But he could see by looking into her eyes, meeting her unflinching gaze and seeing the determination that now sat on her features no matter what expression she wore, she was stronger. She was a stronger person. Whatever she had been through to make her hurt herself (which he was still determined to find out about) and no matter how dead to the world she had become lately, she had in that time become stronger. He wasn't sure why, but this just worried him more.

What could have happened to her that would force her to need to be stronger?

'Why?' Sasuke murmured. They had been looking into each others eyes for so long that Sakura felt like the image of his would be forever burned into her retina's and he had memorized every single speck of lighter and darker streaks mottling her emerald ones, reminding him of dappled green-tinged light falling in shafts between trees in the forest. He had seen them fierce and determined, alive and electric, dull and dead, sparkling with tears of laughter or sadness. He watched now as they widened. 'Surely' he thought as he watched her eyes flicker ever so slightly in indecision, 'Surely she had to know this question was coming.'

She had of course; she just didn't think it would come so early in the conversation. And she wasn't prepared. She didn't know how much to tell him. What to say. Her mind, very unhelpfully, had come up with 'just tell him to talk to Kakashi'. If she could strangle her brain she would have. 'Yup, that's helpful… what else do I say… how much do I say… I have to give him something, he'll never let up until he thinks I've said it all… or maybe he will… its not as if he cares… he said himself, he brought me here to avoid unwanted explanations for both of us… he may have done me a favour but he did himself one too, this isn't about me… he just feels like, because he patched me up this one time, he deserves to know it all, as repayment for his troubles or something equally stupid… not a chance… he didn't care before and he sure as hell doesn't now… he doesn't care, he doesn't care, he doesn't care… good… that's good… but what do I say?!'

Sasuke watched the infinitesimally small signs as she thought hurriedly about what to say. No matter how small, he found he could read all of her emotions, every single one played across her face and he could see them all. He wondered why that was. He stopped wondering when he saw her face tighten ever so slightly, could almost hear her as she thought the same thought over and over again, convincing herself of something, before her eyes hardened and he knew this was about to get a whole lot harder.

'Why what?'

She wasn't going to make this easy for him.

Then again, he hadn't expected her too.

The moths still hadn't let up.

and there we go, chapter 19 done -- 19 has always been my favourite number so i tried especially hard on it - edited it so many times it should be perfect (spelling and punctuation-wise at least) - and i love moths too so it all worked out... because of course sasuke is far too stoic for butterflies :) -- anyway, whatcha think??

thanks so much to everyone still reading this and to those who have just started, please let me know what you think, go ahead, kick my butt into gear and make me write the next one faster :)

have fun and as always thanks for reading :)