So. It's been twenty-seven days since I last posted.
I feel like I'm in confession.
I would make a terrible Catholic.
I'm know many many wonderful Catholics.
But I would not be one of them.
Which as I am not a Catholic I guess I don't have to worry about being a wonderful one.
I'm off topic.
Anyway.
I am terribly terribly sorry.
In my defense...I have no defense.
Sorry!
In case you're curious, it's been an interesting 27 days. (when are they not?)
I discovered that when I give blood, I throw up. Not because of blood. Or because of needles. I'm fine with both. Apparently my system just rejects being a good person.
Also stargazing alone in the country is terrifying. They're are monsters out there.
Discovered that apparently people (people who don't understand the concept of boiling water (cough*drunk boy*cough)) burn Macaroni and cheese. Could someone tell me how the bloody hell you burn Macaroni until it's scorched on the bottom of the pot?! I didn't even know that was possible!
So here is chapter 13!
Enjoy!
~Renee
There was an army in the living room.
Well not really. Not an actual army.
But Tony was fairly certain that they could start a rebellion if they wanted to.
He was pretty sure between Tobias and Gibbs, taking down the current government would entail three phone calls and a flash grenade.
Tony sighed and curled in the window seat, shifting slightly to take the pressure of his ribs.
He was so tired.
He had been in this house for three days. For three days there had been people in and out and constant noise. It was only quiet at night, when Mike was asleep on the couch and Gibbs was down the hall.
And Tony would lay in bed, staring at the ceiling all night, unable to sleep. Confused and exhausted and terrified of hearing footsteps stop outside his door.
He was so tired.
He sighed and leaned his head against the cool window. His fingers traced along the bruise on his eye and his lips twitched in amusement.
Everyone kept telling him he was safe. He was taken care of. No one would ever hurt him.
It shouldn't feel ironic that he was supposedly the safest he's ever been and feeling just like he just finished a night with Senior.
He was so sick of being hurt.
He glanced around him room, absentmindedly petting the dog whose head was resting on his knee. He looked impassively at the photo on the adjoining wall. Gibbs had him on his shoulder, laughing and glowing in the sun. Tony turned away.
Photos were all over the wall, pictured of him and Gibbs. The people scattered downstairs. Strange faces he had never seen. He had stared at them, trying to force something, anything, but nothing rang a bell. No feeling of safety, no brush of the familiar. Just an empty space.
Finally he just got sick of staring at them.
Doc whined and bumped his head on his hip, looking at him mournfully. Tony started and realized he had stopped petting the dog and smiled at him gently.
"Hey D-doc. Sorry boy. You trying to escape the s-s-smothering too?"
He didn't know who most of these people were, but getting away from them had taken a lot more effort than he felt it should have. The darkly dressed girl, Abby, she had hugged him so tight he was scared his stitching would pop. Crying and petting his hair, it had taken a sheepish looking agent, McGee to pull her away.
He liked McGee. He had just welcomed him home and given him space. He didn't have a whole lot of space anymore.
Kate, the other lady, piled container after container of cookies on his lap, before Jimmy had carried them off to the kitchen, worried about Gibbs reaction to all the sugar.
Doctor Mallard… Ducky, had been amused about Jimmy's concern.
Tony frowned and shifted back against the wall. Did Gibbs not care about his sugar intake? What did Gibbs care about? Did he have a bedtime? A curfew? Everything was new and big and frightening.
With his father the rules had been simple. Very basic and drilled into him since he could understand.
Stay out of the way.
Don't speak out of turn. Or at all.
Smile at the guests.
Grow up.
Don't bother father.
Easy. Simple.
He understood them and followed them to the letter.
Gibbs though? Gibbs he didn't understand at all.
He seemed harmless enough, or rather, harmless towards him.
But a lot of people seemed that way. He didn't know what would make him mad, sometimes the littlest things would set his father off.
Things he couldn't control.
Like existing.
Gibbs seemed to enjoy his presence, but that didn't mean it would stay that way.
His father was always nice to him when others were around.
And he and Gibbs hadn't been left alone except him the car.
He had no idea what he was like when it was just them.
Things could turn very bad very quickly.
Tony tapped his finger on the window and squeezed his eyes shut.
He hated not being able to understand.
Doc whined again and pushed his paws up on the seat. Tony scratched his ears and stared blindly out the window.
A splattering of knocks drew his attention to his bedroom door.
Tony raised his eyebrows at the old man standing in his doorway.
"Hi Tony."
Tony raised a hand and waved cautiously. He hadn't seen this man before.
"May I come in?"
Would it be rude to say no? Would Gibbs get angry? What if this is a stranger to everyone? Would Gibbs be mad if he let a stranger in his room? That's ridiculous. How would a stranger get past everyone downstairs? Gibbs must know he's here. Did Gibbs send him up to see me? Am I in trouble for not staying downstairs? Is this what Gibbs does? He doesn't want to punish me so he sends someone to do it for him?
Tony shook his head slightly, trying to focus. He waved a hand, inviting the man into his space. The gentleman looked around the room curiously. The blue quilt spread carefully across the bed, the guitar in the corner, the bookshelves packed with novels, DVD's and VHS tapes. The additional piles of books resting next to the bed. Photo's hanging on every square space.
The man smiled and nodded to himself as he sat in the rocking chair in the corner.
"Do you remember me Tony?"
He shook his head and sighed internally.
"N-no sir. Are you a f-f-friend of Gibbs?"
The man smiled as if enjoying a private joke.
"No actually I'm not. But I am a friend of yours. We met a few days ago. My name's Jackson. I would have come to visit you in the hospital, but I didn't think you needed anymore people fussing over you."
Tony smiled slightly at the man, he seemed relaxed and mellow enough. And most of the time when he was trouble things didn't start with quiet conversation.
"That's alright. I've h-h-had more th-than enough attention."
Jackson chuckled and leaned back in the chair, rocking gently.
"I'd imagine so. Leroy was so worried about you, I thought he was going to tear the town apart before he found you."
Tony looked away. He didn't know how to face that kind of affection. In his experience, things like that were just the calm before the storm.
The shoe was going to drop eventually.
He was waiting.
Things never stayed good forever. They just didn't. Adults were not to be trusted situations always turned to worst.
Mayer and Miguel were the only people he had been able to count on and they were no where to be seen. They had vanished without a trace and hadn't bothered to check on him the entire time he was here. Gibbs said he had tried to get a hold of them but there had been no response. Apparently they were in Europe and communication was spotty.
They had left him.
He didn't blame them, but he had never really imagined life without them. They had always been there, picking him up and helping him dust off. They were all he had.
"Tony?"
He looked back at the man. There was something familiar about him. Someone just on the edge of his memory. He closed his eyes tightly, his head pounding with the strain and stress.
He was tired. He was scared. He wanted his life back. He wanted to sleep and lay shaking and frightened. He didn't want to go back to Senior, to more blood and bruises but he couldn't stand the waiting. The anticipation of anger and screaming.
He wanted to understand. He wanted to be home.
The frustration mounted and stretched until he could feel the blood pounding in his temples.
"Tony? You with me? Do you want me to get Gibbs?"
"No! I don't want Gibbs and I don't want Mike and I don't want another hug!" He gripped his hair and closed his eyes tightly. "Everything...everything is all jumbled in my head. I don't understand." Tony knew he was babbling but he could stop the words from pouring from his mouth. "I can remember a name but not a face. I can remember being afraid but I don't know why or of who and I'm tired and sore and I want to know! I don't know who to watch out for and Miguel and Mayer are gone and I...I..."
Tony's eyes widened and his hand flew up to his mouth. Fear was painted across his face and with one swift movement and jerked off the window seat and ran to the door.
It hurt like hell but he didn't slow. He had run, bleeding and crooked and broken before. He could do it again. He was out the door before Jackson could react, Doc hot on his heels. Tony darted down the stairs, watching the group in the living room carefully, making sure they didn't see as he dashed into the kitchen and out the back door.
He took a deep breath of the thick summer air and looked towards the sunrise.
He needed to think.
Xxx
"Leroy!"
Gibbs looked up from his conversation with Tobias and narrowed his eyes at his father.
"Jack? What's going on? Is Tony alright?"
Jackson shook his head.
"I'm sorry son, he… he got upset and started yelling and ran out. I don't know where he went, did you see him?"
Gibbs stared at him for a long moment.
Tony didn't yell. Tony never yelled. In all the years together, he had never yelled.
Gibbs pursed his lips and blocked out the conversation around him, the growing panic of his friends.
Tony was frightened. He was confused. He was panicked. He needed a place to feel safe and familiar.
He nodded to himself and stepped away from he group, marching over to a bookshelf and pulling out a thick leather bound book.
"Don't worry Jack. I know where he is. Everyone just go on home. It's time Tony and I get things sorted."
Mike smiled and hit him on the back.
"You do that probie. Micky!"
Abby poked a distracted McGee on the shoulder.
"He means you Timmy."
McGee looked up in surprise and mild terror.
"Yes sir?"
Mike smiled and him and grabbed his arm, leading him to the door.
"I'm sleeping on your couch tonight. The boys need their space."
McGee paled as he was pulled out the door, closely followed by a chuckling Kate. Abby hesitated and looked at Gibbs.
"You sure you know where he is?"
Gibbs nodded and smiled half heartedly.
"I know Abs. Everything will be okay. I promise."
She nodded uneasily and dragged Jimmy out the door.
Ducky looked sternly at Gibbs and waved a finger at him as he walked after his assistant.
"Anything looks even the slightest bit wrong with that young man, you call me immediately, understand?"
Gibbs nodded and waved him out.
Tobias stepped up to Gibbs and stood next to him silently. The two men breathed in the silence for a moment before Tobias clasped his shoulder and squeezed gently.
"You need anything, anything, call me. Go. I'll take care of everything here." Gesturing to the mess the team had left.
Gibbs nodded gratefully and started out the door.
"Gibbs."
He looked back, raising an eyebrow.
"You're going to be alright. Both of you."
He nodded and shut the door behind him firmly.
Xxx
The park was empty.
The sun had set behind the trees, coating the trees in ink and letting the firefly's make their own stars.
He lay in the grass, listening to the gentle washing of the water from the pond and the familiar background of settling ducks and indignant bugs as Doc rolled happily in the dirt.
For the first time since he had woken up, he could breathe.
Nothing had changed.
Same rusted benches. Same overgrown cattails. Same covering trees.
He was still hurt. He was still hiding. He was still scared.
Nothing had changed.
That was more comforting than it should have been.
Tony let his fingers run through the thick grass. He didn't know what to do, but right now it didn't matter.
He was always safe here.
"This is where we met."
Tony closed his eyes and tightened his grip on the grass. Of course Gibbs would come to look for him here. Tony's throat tightened. Whenever father had to looking for him, things always ended… well, they ended. If this didn't push Gibbs' buttons, nothing would.
And if it did…
Tony shuddered. He really didn't want to think about what the man could do to him. He was bigger than his father, taller, broader, and he was more than certain that it was muscle under the worn tee-shirt. If he wanted to, he could ensure that Tony never disobeyed again.
He may not have the chance.
Tony took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Gibbs hadn't reacted badly yet, maybe he just needed to play this the way the man was, relaxed and unassuming. He didn't understand what the play was, but he was willing to do whatever it took until he figured it out.
"You helped me feed Jim. Talked about ducks and late nights."
Gibbs looked down at Tony with interest. He wondered if he realized he had stopped stuttering.
"We met a few times after that too."
Tony raised an eyebrow but didn't open his eyes.
"I don't remember."
Gibbs nodded and sat, giving Tony his space. Doc dashed over, wagging his tail and panting. Gibbs smiled inwardly. Tony brought the dog with him. Whether on purpose or not, Tony had remembered not to come out here alone. He patted his head and opened the book with a relaxed ease. Doc settled by his side, his tongue lolling contentedly and watching Tony.
"We met at your house the next day. Than again at the park. We talked about Doctor Who."
Tony smiled despite himself, listening to Gibbs recount what he couldn't grasp.
"We fed Jim again and you fell asleep on my shoulder."
That made Tony open his eyes. He didn't do that. That was being vulnerable and open and there were nightmares and terror and fright and he didn't do that.
He didn't do that.
Tony rolled to his side, looking at Gibbs suspiciously.
The older man smiled at him, glancing up from the book he was staring intently into by the glow of the streetlights.
Tony rolled back over to stare at the sky, trying to will stars into popping out. The night was silent except for the quiet chuckles as Gibbs turned the pages.
He ignored him, trying to focus on the night and the quiet and the familiar.
So everything is different. Miguel and Mayer are off on some whirlwind adventure. I live with an ex-marine with a horrible haircut. Father is in jail. Jail. He's gone. He isn't coming back. I don't have to be scared of him anymore. No more sneaking out for food or crawling out the window just for some peace. No more screaming or pain. He's gone. He isn't something I have to be afraid of anymore.
I don't have to be afraid anymore.
And Gibbs hasn't hurt me. He's left me alone and let me be and he isn't angry over me leaving. He isn't bothered by being here with me.
He's… kind.
Startled at that revelation, he abruptly sat up and looked over at the book Gibbs had open in his lap.
"What is that?"
Gibbs smiled broadly at the question and turned the pages closer to Tony, so the boy could have a look.
"It's our book."
Tony looked at him questionably before peering down to see photo after photo spread across the sheets.
He automatically pulled it out of Gibbs' hand, shock rippling across his face.
Photos of him, of Gibbs and Tobias. Dogs and cats and laughter.
There was one of him, a young him, with chocolate on his nose and frosting in Gibbs hair and Tobias laughing by the oven and he had to wonder who took the picture.
Tony and Gibbs flopped on the floor watching a movie, Tony and Tobias playing cards, Miguel and Mayer looked at a report card and Abby dancing in the background.
He turned the pages slowly. There was Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Picnics and books.
Tony holding out a cat and smiling sheepishly at a resigned looking Gibbs.
Decorating a Christmas tree. He didn't remember ever being allowed to touch the Christmas tree.
He ached for the memories.
He paused at one, letting his finger trace over the colors and shapes.
Gibbs was on the couch, dead asleep, and Tony was curled next him, his head on his chest and his body held tight and safe against Gibbs' side. The man's arm wrapped protectively over him and Tony slept. Smiling.
Tony looked up at Gibbs, his eyes narrowed, hands fisted and shaking.
Gibbs smiled slightly at him and took Tony's hands in his own, trying to relax the fingers.
He looked him in the eye and whisper quietly in the still night.
"Tony. It's okay. Everything is going to be alright."
Before he could do a thing to stop himself, Tony burst into tears, leaning into Gibbs and letting himself be gathered up close to him. He could hear Gibbs' heartbeat reassuringly under his ear and he tucked himself in closer.
"It's going to be alright son. I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
Curling into the warmth and the affection Tony drifted off, listening to the gruff voice.
Xxx
Tony woke up.
Abruptly and fully and startlingly.
He stared up at the ceiling and leaned back on the pillows. Rusty, Danny and Atticus looked up at him curiously from their spot curled against his side, purrs rumbling in his ribcage as they nuzzled in closer.
Doc poked his head up, followed immediately by Sam, both wagging tails and looking at him expectantly.
Tony smiled at them and started to laugh. Reacting the boy's mood, Doc barked once and clambered up closer to him, disrupting the cats and stepping on Rusty.
Tony hugged Doc to him and picked up Rusty, cuddling the cat against his chest.
"Good morning guys."
He quickly jumped from bed, Rusty still clinging to his shirt, well Gibbs' shirt if the NCIS logo was any indication.
Tony ran down the hall, flinging the door to Gibbs' room open.
He had woken up before him.
His smile widened as he flung himself on his bed.
Gibbs sat up, eyes wide and arms braced.
Blinking once he looked at Tony and smiled in confusion.
"Tony? Everything alright? What's going on?"
Tony smiled and dropped Rusty on the bed. Gibbs felt his throat tighten, seeing his son clutching the cat, resting on the edge of his bed, nostalgia flooding him.
Tony crawled up to rest next to the man, his ribs were killing him and his head was pounding and he didn't care.
He put both of his hands on either side of Gibbs' face and smiled.
"Good morning dad."
Gibbs stared at him and then smiled so wide Tony considered what would happen if his cheeks cracked.
He grabbed his son, crushing him against him, ever mindful of healing bruises and repositioning bones.
"You remember."
Tony smiled.
"That you're my dad? Uncle Toby, Crazy Mike, and the team? That you're my family? That I love you? How could I forget?"
Hey Guys. I just wanted to drop a quick note at the end. This story really got away from me. With everything that happened this year, Things just didn't go the way I planned or hoped and I just let the story do what it wanted. I know sometimes it seemed really disjointed or bouncy, but I really do appreciate all the support people gave both for the story and myself.
I can't say thank you enough.
Thank you so much for reading.
God bless.
~Renee