He wanted to…
Scream
But he couldn't, because then she'd know he was there, and everything would be ruined.
Ran was crying again. She was always crying and it was because of him. Every damn time he picked up the phone and used his voice—his real voice—to speak with her, it ended in tears. Then he could swear his heart was being torn to shreds since it was because of him that she couldn't smile.
Some part of him wished it was being torn apart. If he died, it might hurt less. Anything was better than the constant ache of loss and longing. He was like a man in the desert with a cup of water held just out of reach. Perhaps, if he jumped, he could snag it and feel the sweet relief it provided.
Or perhaps the cup would shatter, and then he would die.
Fingers clenched into fists, nails digging ruthlessly into the tender flesh. He felt a savage stab of satisfaction at the pain as his skin broke and blood flowed free. He watched the scarlet trails trickle down to his wrist where they then dripped down.
Conan considered for a moment before sticking his foot out to catch the drops. He wouldn't want the carpet to get stained. That would just be more work for Ran, and more guilt and heart-wrenching agony for him to endure.
He watched silently from the doorway as Ran tried to muffle her sobs in the covers. Ordinarily, he would walk in and try to comfort her. Instead, he stayed there and let her cry. It might be better to let her release her emotions instead of hiding them for the sake of her "little brother".
How he hated that term. He wanted to break something every time he heard it.
He suddenly wished he wasn't there. He wanted to be in his own house, or really anywhere that was not the Mouri Detective Agency. Choking back a gasp, the boy tore himself free from his rooted position and dashed into the main room. He stole a pillow from the couch and slammed it against his face just in time to muffle the agonized yell that finally broke free.
He collapsed to the ground, shrieking into the pillow so his vocal cords burned. When his voice cracked under the strain, he lifted his head and gasped out a quiet sob. The material was damp.
The surprise he felt was almost unreasonable when he realized he was crying. His eyes were hot and stinging, warm wetness falling rapidly down his cheeks. He swiped at them with a force that was nearly violent.
A moment later, Conan was on his feet and flinging the pillow across the room. It hit the wall with a dull and utterly unsatisfying thud that just made him mad. The rage he felt towards the inanimate object was unprovoked and ridiculous, yet he found himself wishing it could scream. He wanted to grab something large and breakable and slam it against the walls until his hands were bleeding and there was nothing left to break.
Instead, he got up and picked up the pillow again. He placed it upon the couch—the wet spot hidden—and stumbled weakly into the bathroom. The faucet hissed as icy water streamed out. Holding his bangs back, Conan removed his glasses and stuck his face right under the spray. The sudden cold sent a shock through his body that seemed to jerk him out of his fury.
When he looked up in the mirror, water was dripping from his face. He snatched up a towel to dry himself off. Then he went to the kitchen, filled two cups with water, gulped one down, and walked back out into the hall.
The boy lingered outside Ran's room again. Her sobs were quieting, and it seemed the tears had stopped. Conan—Shinichi—took a deep breath. "Ran-Neechan? I brought you some water."
It was an effort not to spill it when she suddenly swept him up into her arms the way a little girl might a teddy bear.
It was even harder not to scream again when he realized he couldn't return her embrace.
The angst. I write so much….
I was recently reminded why ShinRan is my OTP by a video that left me absolutely breathless. It also reminded me just how frecking tragic the pairing is. So this angst-fest was spawned. Shinichi had a tantrum. Hope you enjoyed.
On the brighter side, I just came back from skiing. I had a lot of fun but now I'm sore as heck. It snowed, though, and that was absolutely beautiful to watch.