Thanks to all for the follows and reviews. This chapter gives a little more insight to how Carlisle is feeling, which obviously isn't good. Also, this story has no beta so sorry for any typos or errors you may find. I hope you are enjoying the story so far.
Again, if you know it... I don't own it. Still looking into the possibility of at least renting Carlisle for the weekend.
It has been three months since my beloved family walked out on me, leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong. Neither Bella nor Edward held the answers, and if they did they were not speaking. The tension in the house was nearly unbearable. I was constantly losing my temper, which was something that was completely outside my normal character. Even some of my colleagues at the hospital had commented on my sullen mood, causing the joke of Dr. Sullen to come about. I found no humor in it, but I also found no strength in my being to even care about the snide comments. Everyone knew I had lost my family, and that my wife had left me. After all, Forks was a small town and people had nothing better to do than gossip. I just wish it wasn't about me. But once again I found myself unwilling and unable to care.
Life became routine for me. I would go to work and come home and lock myself in my study until it was time to go to work again. I barely found the strength to even change my clothes. Edward and Bella tried to keep some sense of normality in the house, but it was next to impossible. I even found myself avoiding my precious granddaughter, who had always loved to seek solace in my study with me, pouring over books and television and typical things of someone her age, and some things even atypical for someone her age. I found no joy in anything anymore. It wasn't until an idea entered my mind that I heard the incessant knocking on my study door.
"Go away." I barked, throwing the book I was reading at the still cracked door I had never bothered to fix.
"I need to talk to you." Edward's voice sounded desperate, and for a split second I thought maybe they had come back, or at least called. Maybe they decided they missed me and came home. I got up from my desk and let Edward into the room. The look on his face told me none of my hopes had come true, and a returned back to my chair, turning around to stare back out the window into the blackness of the night as I had every night since they had left.
"You can't do this," Edward said, his voice full of pleading. He knew my mind was made up, and was here to talk me out of it. I sensed another presence and turned back to see Bella standing in the door, a look of what appeared to be shame mixed with sadness on her face as she took in her surroundings. My normally pristine study was in shambles, with books lying about the floor and papers scattered over the surface of my desk. The picture frames that had graced the shelves along the wall had all been either knocked over or broken completely. The shattered remains of the photographs were an echo of the feelings in my long dead heart. I looked from Bella to Edward and let out a sigh.
"And why not?" I asked, picking up some of my files from work, trying to send the message that I had already decided and that nothing was going to change my mind. "This is my life, and I can choose to do with it what I please," I stated calmly, scribbling notes in the file of one of my patients.
"Because despite what the others did, Bella and I care about you, as does Renesmee. You cannot do this Carlisle. Please."
"Edward, my mind is made up," I said, trying to stay calm. This was something that I found was a challenge for me now, which is something I was not accustomed. "I've spoken to Aro. I plan on making the trip in three weeks. I've put my notice in at the hospital, so they can replace me and then I am going to Volterra. Nothing you can say will change my mind."
"What's going on?" Bella asked from the door. I looked at her with surprise. I would have guessed that Edward would have shared my thoughts with her. I silently cursed myself for not being able to control my mind in Edward's presence. Had I been able to, neither of them would know the events about to transpire.
"Carlisle has made up his mind to go to the Volturi and be killed." Edward stated flatly. The shock took mere seconds to register on Bella's face and she bolted into the room and straight to me.
"Carlisle! No! You can't! What about Edward? What about Renesmee? We love you, and don't want to be without you." If she could, Bella would be in tears right now. I looked at the newborn vampire, and saw glimpses of her human self still in her eyes: the vulnerability, the insecurity, everything that made her Bella. Could I really hurt her and Edward like this? As much as it pained me to think of them going on without me, I knew they had no use for me anymore. The rest of the family didn't so why should they. My melancholy was only a burden to them now, and the least I could do for them was to ease that burden.
"Bella, it doesn't matter. My mind is made up. Besides, if I am not in Volterra in three weeks, then Aro has agreed to come here. It's done. I'm not changing my mind." With that I got up and left the room. I could not bear the looks on their faces. Was I making the right choice? Right now, I couldn't see far enough through my pain to know and I wasn't sure I could live the rest of eternity in this kind of pain. I descended the stairs and left the house, running at vampire speed into the nearby woods in search of prey.
It wasn't long before I had taken down three deer. It was more than I needed, but I found I couldn't control the aggression. I threw their now lifeless carcasses to the side, and sat down beneath a dogwood tree. As soon as the sweet floral scent hit my nose, I recognized my mistake in choosing that spot. A sweet, heart shaped face surrounded by flowing caramel colored hair entered my mind. What should have been a bittersweet memory brought back feelings of anger and abandonment, followed by resentment. I had long gone from the stages of denial, and found myself overwhelmed by fury. Off to my side, I heard a rustling in the weeds and with a snarl I threw myself at the hapless creature that had interrupted my peace. It was a mountain lion, and it decided to put up a fight. I had already quenched my thirst, and now found myself in a new situation: killing for the sake of killing. In all my years, I had never killed any creature out of anything other than necessity, but now I found myself toying with the beast. It should have alarmed me, but the fight with the animal relieved some of the tension I had felt within myself, and as I tossed its dead form to the side, I felt a small wave of relief wash over me. Yet another reason I could not go on living. If it were animals now, what's to say I would stop there and not take revenge on the human population? I was becoming the monster I had always feared becoming. Another reason why I had to end it.
I made my way back to the house to find it deserted, which suited me just fine. I didn't know where Edward and Bella had gone off to, but I really didn't care. I ascended the stairs to my bedroom to rid myself of my tattered and filthy clothing. I snickered to myself as I threw the shredded clothing into the trash and got in the shower, almost laughing at the thought of how Esme would have reacted to my appearance. I had never been anything but composed, but that was all gone now. Torn away from me when they left. They had taken my heart, my soul, and my sanity. I knew I was dangerously close to becoming the creature I had spent centuries trying to avoid, which was all the more reason to rid this world of myself. As I dressed for work, I decided that I had done the right thing in calling Aro, and I felt at peace for the first time in months.