Not that Kind of Web-Show
by: muaaimoi
It's not Amy knocking when she opens the door.
It's Leonard. A flustered and jealous Leonard. Penny knows the signs.
He thrust the laptop at her face. Penny stares at the same webpage she was just on.
"What's this!" Leonard demands.
"Crazy people on YouTube." Penny says, because that is definitely what that is.
"Do you know what they're saying about you and Sheldon?" Leonard squawks.
"Unfortunately." Penny sighs. It is a mad, mad world out there.
"Can you believe these people? Just because it looked a little like you were looking at his junk, they think you want to sleep with him!"
Penny runs her fingers through her blonde mane, exasperated." Tell me about it."
Leonard frowns," You don't want to sleep with him right? I mean bigger doesn't mean better."
Penny's perfectly aware of that. Some guys with smaller dicks had managed to thrust hard enough inside of her that she felt them more deeply than a few others who'd been more gifted. Leonard is not one of those guys.
"I know." She says anyway. Because she's a good girlfriend.
"Oh." Leonard says, the fight draining out of him only to be replaced with a smug smirk." Good."
Penny rolls her eyes, then remembers that Amy's job lets out earlier than Leonard's. "Hey. Aren't you supposed to be at work?"
"Yeah. Don't worry." Leonard says, waving a hand."I got someone to cover my class."
"Wait." Penny says, holding a hand up."Are you telling me you ditched work and ran over here because people on Youtube think I want to sleep with Sheldon?"
"Um. No?" Leonard ventures carefully.
"Are you serious right now? Leonard!" Penny cannot believe this shit.
"I left because people on the internet think Sheldon wants to sleep with you!" Leonard blurts.
Penny just glares at him. His idiocy speaks for itself.
"I'm sorry!" Leonard exclaims."It's just he started talking about crowd consciousness and did you actually watch the episode? When he told you to open your legs and invite them in, what was that about? I mean come on! Catch me up here!"
The thing is that Leonard isn't actually asking about the episode. He's ranting. Justifying his jealousy even though he has no actual reason to be jealous. It's ridiculous. It's familiar. It's what happens every time anything remotely male gets close to Penny and Leonard finds out about it.
It pisses her off. Coupled with the current rage she's feeling toward Amy and the simple fact that Penny has never had the longest fuse...well, she explodes. Leonard gets the burnt of it.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Penny demands."That's all it takes? Sheldon makes a whack-a-doodle comment on a web-show and you go; hey? I bet my girlfriend is totally going to cheat on me! I mean all it takes is someone wanting to get into her pants and her legs spread wide open. Never mind that she's never given me a reason to think she'd cheat!"
"Penny-" Leonard begins helplessly.
"No! Penny my ass. You don't get to talk your way out of this one. You don't trust me. You never trust me! And you never will!"
"Pen-" Leonard tries again. But Penny is tired of his crap. She is tired of having to try so hard to be a good girlfriend. She is tired of having to resort to a vibrator for the first time in her life. She's just tired of being with Leonard. And she's done. Just done.
"We're through" Penny says, and she slams the door in his face.
He knocks for a while. Her phone rings. She makes a point of not answering either.
He backs off withing half an hour and Penny can't hold back the nasty thought that Leonard has never really had staying power.
She grabs some wine off her fridge and sips straight from the bottle. She's so angry. Not even mad, not the usual explosion of rage that yelling and screaming get out of her system. No, it's not a hot rage, it's almost cold, actually. Like all the bottled up resentment that she's ever felt for Leonard bubbled up to the surface and froze. Harsh ice over her usual temper.
Penny stews as she changes her Facebook relationship status. She feels like Leonard got off too easy.
But there's still Amy to deal with, and she has a feeling that Leaving the apartment will only get her ambushed on the stairs. Leonard's very good at that. He'd had a ton of practice long before they began dating.
Sometimes she still wonders how she'd ever over looked the stalking and creepiness. Sure Sheldon had been more intrusive, managing to figure out when her period came and everything, but at least he'd been up front about it. He'd never bothered to hide his weirdness. That was the big difference between Leonard and Sheldon. Somewhere inside of himself Leonard was really ashamed of being a geek.
Sheldon could not care less. Sheldon is perfectly happy being who he is, and proud of it.
It's a weird confidence. Penny's used to people like herself, those who are confident because they're liked. Sheldon's confidence is the complete opposite. He doesn't care how much people hate him so long as they agree that he's smart. And frankly? There's no denying that.
Amy's similar. They both have this need to be smarter than everybody else, to know more and rub it into other peoples faces. Sometimes she thinks it's the only reason they're together. To stroke each others ego's. Except that Amy does all the heavy lifting in that department if that's the case.
Penny's wondering how buzzed the pittance of wine left in the bottle is going to get her when someone starts knocking on her door again.
This time it is Amy. She knows from the happy, exited quality of the knocks.
Penny sighs, bracing herself for the pot of crazy to come and opens the door.
Amy's quick to assault her with a hug.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Amy chants as she clings to her, and Penny can only blink. Bemused.
"What for?" Penny asks, once she manages to disentangle herself from the over excited neurologist and sit her on the couch.
Amy beams at her."You even broke up with Leonard so as to not hurt his feelings when we achieve our goal! I've never been so touched. No ones ever broken up with their boyfriend for me before!"
Amy is beginning to sound choked up.
" No, no, no!" Penny exclaims." I did not break up with Leonard because of you. I broke up with Leonard because of Leonard!"
"Well I suppose it's convenient all the same." Amy says, some of her excitement simmering down." So what's the plan?"
"There is no plan! Amy, I am not sleeping with Sheldon so that he'll have sex with you." Penny says firmly. She would have said it earlier over the phone, but her brain had been too busy short-circuiting.
"Not even once?" Amy asks, giving Penny the kicked dog look that always caught her right in the heart strings." It's his first time, it wont last very long."
"No!" Penny said, standing firm.
"But why not? Don't you find him attractive?"
"Amy, you're not suppose to want your friends to sleep with your boyfriend. Actually, your suppose to keep other girls off him." Penny explained. Only in nerd world did that actually need explaining.
"Oh." Amy said, getting a thoughtful look on her face. " Are you sure? I find the thought of you and Sheldon engaging in coitus to be very arousing."
Penny gapes. She has no words. She just, she cant even-No. Just no.
Amy doesn't seem to notice, carrying on." In fact I was hoping that you would let me record the session for further study. I'm sure that I could learn a lot from your technique. Admittedly I would be very distracted by the sight of your gorgeous body writhing on top of Sheldon at first. But with enough viewing to desensitize myself of my initial reaction I'm sure I could analyze it clinically and learn from-"
"No!" Penny yelps. It's like her freaking catchphrase today." No way. I am never making a sex tape! Not this actress, hell no."
"It would be an educational vid-"
"No!" Penny snaps forcefully, making an X with her hands." No way in hell."
"Will you at least reconsider sleeping with Sheldon then?"
"No!" Penny still can't even believe she'd asked the first time." Amy, do you really love Sheldon? You keep trying to pimp him out to me!"
Amy frowns thoughtfully."I suppose it does seem that way now that I think about it...It's just, I-I really want to have sex Penny. I want to cross that final frontier and have my boyfriend kiss me every day. And to want sex when I get home. I want to be wanted. And I'm sure that if anyone could get Sheldon to like sex, it would be you."
For one very odd minute, Penny feels bizarrely touched, then reality kicks in and Penny thinks about what Amy's just said.
"Amy, I hate to break it to you. But that boyfriend is not going to be Sheldon. Why don't you just break up with him and find a nice guy who'll do all of that. You know, like Stuart. Whatever happened between you guys anyway?"
"Stuart doesn't have a Phd." Amy admits grudgingly." Sheldon has two."
"Huh." Penny says, she hadn't seen that coming." Well I'm sure Sheldon will still want to be friends. You can get your science on with Sheldon and you'd get to actually have sex with Stuart."
" Wouldn't that be cheating?"
" No! You'd have to having sex with Sheldon for it to be cheating!" Penny will never understand geeks. They maybe her closest friends, but she still wonders what planet they grew up on most of the time. Because it sure as hell doesn't sound like earth to her.
" Will things be different? For us I mean. Will we still have girl nights and brunch if I break up with Sheldon?"
And suddenly Penny gets it. It's like she waded through the insanity and finally got to the other side. It's just like it was when she broke up with Leonard the first time. Who gets custody of the friends when your not a couple anymore. It's Sheldon's confusion about his place in her life all over again.
" Hey, I'm your friend even if you're not Sheldon's girlfriend alright? We'll still hang out all the time and have girls night and stuff with Bernadette, okay?"
" Okay." Amy says, and her voice comes out small.
" Just think about what we talked about." Penny says. She really does want Amy to be happy, and Sheldon just isn't that boyfriend.
They're both silent for a while. Penny drains her wine bottle and Amy gives a deep sigh.
"I think I need to talk to Sheldon then." Amy says, sounding somber as she stood.
"I think so too." Penny agreed, rising to open the door.
"But are you absolutely certain you don-"
" No!" Penny snaps, and shuts the door.
She stares at it blankly for a moment before looking back at her kitchen. The alcohol shelf she usually keeps well stocked looks pretty dry. Penny thinks about her day for a minute and opens the door, screw Leonard, she needs some alcohol to deal with all this.
That should have been the end of it.
Sure Penny isn't with Leonard anymore, and yes, Amy did end up braking up with Sheldon. But it shouldn't actually change things between Penny and Sheldon. They've both been single people before, and it hasn't affected their relationship. This shouldn't be any different.
Except for the part where it is. Because somehow it does. It changes things in Penny's head, wires that shouldn't touch are crossed, and all of a sudden she feels awkward when she's alone with Sheldon.
Penny really hates that stupid web-show...And Amy, Amy and Youtube, because the whole having wet dreams starring Sheldon thing? So not her fault. Certainly not something that would have happened if she hadn't gone on Fun with Flags.
X
So down go the Lenny ands Shamy ships.
And once again, Shenny shippers, this bit is not for you;
Lenny shippers, you're up.
First order of business; Leonard is the most boring character in the show. If you find him to be relate-able and the only 'normal' guy on there, good for you. Hopefully the implication doesn't go over your head. If it does? Let me spell it out for you. YOU ARE BORING! That's honestly the worst insult I've got. At least despicable people are interesting.
Even canon Penny agrees on some level because she admits she's bored with her relationship. And I hate that. I love Penny. I love her for her passion, her character, her sense of FUN. Note how all of these things don't have anything to do with Leonard? I hate Lenny because being with Leonard makes Penny less. End of story. There's really no arguing that. It's pretty blatant.
All Leonard has going for him as a boyfriend is availability. He's always there for her, you Lenny shippers cry. Guess what? You're cheering for a doormat. Being a good boyfriend to someone doesn't mean that you should be with a person. That's just not how relationships work. It takes two to tango, if you really cared about Leonard I don't think you'd want him to be with a girl that took years of dating to say I love you. Except that Penny is awesome, so of course you do. But showing up to the draw and stuffing the ballot doesn't mean you deserve the prize.
As someone who has fallen for the whole 'Gasp! Guy friend must be special because he's always available' thing, let me tell you, that relationship is hella-hollow.
I could go into the usual points for why Leonard is a douche, because on some level I agree that he is, and his occasional douche-ness is pretty much when I notice him. But I won't. Because if he owned up to it and was notably hate-able, I might just like him better. I like Will Wheaton more than I like him. As it is, I can barely bring myself to write about him. I edit him out of my stories as much as I can. The most attention he gets in anything I write is as a plot device, like in this chapter. So gripe all you want. Don't care.
Rant over. Thank you for those of you who reviewed! We are getting to the last and finally smutty chapter. I hope you guy's enjoy the rest of this!