Chapter Seven – That Secret That We Know

One word. One word was noisily swimming about his mind, causing all function to cease. Pregnant. Austin was pregnant. Or, rather, she thought she was pregnant. That phrasing was key. As of that exact moment, it was merely an untested hypothesis.

Neither had spoken one word since Austin's stunning revelation. There was not one combination of words that could effectively assist in the coping with the given situation. Pregnant. Austin was pregnant, and carrying his offspring. The room was a tornado of mixed emotions, and neither of them had anything to ground themselves with.

"Have you... taken a test?" Normally bumbling, he found the words even harder to put together than a thousand piece puzzle of clear blue skies. Still, there was no point in having matching panic attacks without causation.

She shook her head. "I figured it out last night. I didn't even think, I just got on the first plane and came here. I was too scared to do it alone."

It was somewhat of a relief to know that she saw him as a source of comfort. But in his panicking and confused state, there was no true solace anywhere.

"I don't understand how this could have happened." It was not the logistics that confused Reid—he understood the functionality of the reproductive system. But he and Austin had used a condom. They'd been safe, in avoidance of this exact scenario.

The look on her face said that the same idea crossed her mind countless times in the last twenty four hours. "Really think about what happened that night.

So he examined the hazy fog of those memories, only for new details to surface this time...

–

"Can you get it?" She asks with a drunken giggle. The irony is not lost on her—the genius can't unwrap a condom. It opens, and both of them smile at each other, and start up again where they had been before.

A few seconds later, he hears the soft, barely there sound of latex ripping. Other possible explinations were innumerous, and possibly attributed to the drinking. But being an undying pragmatist, Reid assumed the worst.

"Did you hear that?" His voice was a raucous whisper in the silent room. "I think it ripped."

"What ripped?" Her lips were still attached to his collarbone, muffling every single word she spoke. She quickly realized what he meant, and immediately stopped. "Do you want to stop?"

He deliberated silently while she sat and watched. It was a very strong possibility that he was simply imagining it. Sex was not something that was hushed, and there were countless other possibilities (including his inebriation) that could explain

"No. I want to." He pulled her body closer, zealously pushing his lips against hers, as if to her persuade her. "Must've been the wind."

She believed him. And more importantly, he believed himself.

–

In that moment, it had seemed like such a logical explanation. Now, facing the full consequences of his hasty and reckless decision, he lamented his lack of diligence. That realization changed the possibility that Austin was in fact pregnant into a very likely reality.

"Oh." Before he had been clinging to the imprudent hope that it was just simply an egregious mistake. But now, his hopes gone, he had to face the reality: Austin might actually be pregnant.

"I'm so sorry." Each syllable was elongated and saturated with absolute remorse. As if this whole scenario was completely blamed on her.

He took a deep breath, desperate to effectively express what he truly felt. "This is not your fault, Austin. We both made mistakes, and I refuse to let you take all the responsibility." Looking to her, he noticed a tiny light—something resembling a dying spark—illuminating her face. Like the tiniest beacon of hope in a normally dark expression. Maybe he was doing something right. "There's a pharmacy nearby. We'll go buy a test and we'll deal with whatever comes later."

--

Gray clouds that looked like they belonged in a watercolor circulated the sky above them, ominiously threatening snow. Reid could feel the arctic chill growing inside him, numbing him to all feelings or emotions. His somewhat calm demeanor back at his apartment had quickly shifted back to absolute petrifaction in the car. There was just so much to digest that his ability to process had shut down.

Then he realized how selfish he was being. This entire time he had focused on the implications of her news on him, and failed to even think about what it was doing to her. How this was probably ravishing her on an even grander scale. It was selfish to think that he was the only one facing something so life-changing.

So he looked at her, looking for some sort of physical hint as to her feelings. Instead, all he could notice was how her face, unusually motionless and paler than he'd remembered, was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes upon. This was still the woman he'd anticipated seeing what felt like eons ago. And it became apparent that his feelings for her had not changed. His heart still pounded at the thought of her, and if the results came back positive, he would still care for her.

Her arm was resting on the armrest, laying limply, almost aching to be touched. In a brazen moment of weakness, he placed one hand on top of hers, and gave her a smile. She reciprocated, though her grin was small and tired. But she did not move her hand away from his, and even squeezed back slightly.

His heart thawed slightly at her touch.

The pharmacy was fairly empty, which given circumstances. Adult contemporary radio was humming softly in the background, singing about the grandness of love. A bored college student sat behind the cash register, noisily smacking her gum and flipping through some fashion magazine. Austin and Reid, the only customers in the store, slowly strode towards that back aisle. At some point in the walk between car door and down the pharmacy aisles, their hands had become separated. The chasm between them grew with every dreadful step. Eventually he had separated from her, and found himself staring at one small box, sitting at the end of an aisle. One small box had managed to enthrall him so deeply, opened his eyes, and forced him to remember what he had felt only a few hours ago.

The small box in his hand, he quickly approached the cashier and purchased it. He slipped it in his pocket with the receipt, and caught up with Austin when she had reached the pregnancy test aisle. One small purple box rested in her trembling hands, and the look of sheer terror on her face said more than any words could.

She said nothing as they walked towards the checkout. Neither did he, for that matter. They'd long passed the point of having anything to say. He contemplated grabbing her hand again, but the lone empty hand was clenched tightly into a fist. And unwilling to admit it was simply a coincidence, he dejectedly kept his hand in his pocket.

He handed the cashier his credit card before the young girl even had a chance to scan the test. Knowing Austin, she would try and pay for herself, without intervention on his end.

Purchase in hand, they return to the car. Reid opens the door for her once more, and for a second they linger. Looking deep into each others eyes, as if some answers were hidden deep inside them. One hand in his pocket brushes up against the small cardboard box, and in a flash of remembrance, he pulls out the small box of candy hearts, and musters up the best grin he could manage. "I can't believe I almost forgot it was Valentine's day."

She wants to smile. She wants to pull on that charcoal gray sweater vest limply hanging to his frame, and kiss those pouty pink lips, pretending like nothing is wrong. She wants to be blissfully happy because she's with her boyfriend, and there is not a single cloud above them ruining this moment. But those dark clouds are circling above them, and she has been so distant with him that she's lost all courage to make a move. So instead, her eyes moisten with tears. That tiny box of chalky hearts was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for her. "Thank you."

It was Austin who grabbed his hand on the drive home. And for a second, both of them forgot the contents of that paper pharmacy bag sitting on Austin's lap.

–

Eyes permanently attached to the light oak door leading to his bathroom, he sat at the edge of his bed and waited. At the time it seemed like a gallant gesture to give her absolute and total privacy. But now, trapped on the outside, he felt totally useless. Each second seemed longer than the one it followed.

Eventually impatience overthrew his noble intents. He stood up from his perch, and made his way towards the bathroom door. Just as he raised his fist to knock, the door swung open. Her eyes were swollen and red, and when they met with his, she let out one sad little whimper. Suddenly and silently, she grabbed her coat and ran out of the apartment.

It left him with two options—knowledge or comfort. The way she rushed out like that, it clearly said that she needed space. Pursuing her could prove detrimental to whatever feelings she had for him. And not following could drive them further apart. This was the conundrum that had led to years of celibacy.

Determining from what he knew of Austin, this time he chose to seek answers and give her the space she needed. In the bathroom, sitting at the bottom of a barely-filled trashcan, lay one used pregnancy tests. He crouched down, and instantly noticed two lines.

He fell to the floor—every last hope that he clung to, that this mistake had not produced such dire consequences, slowly drifted away.

She was pregnant.

–

Pregnant. It seemed like such an implausible concept at first, at least that's how she deluded herself initially. When her nausea faded as the day went on, only to resurface in the morning. When she realized that her clockwork period had skipped a beat. She continually told the nagging part of her that knew, it just wasn't possible.

Now, she had an alarming amount of proof that it was not just possible—it was a reality.

Walking along an unfamiliar road, in a strange town, nothing seemed to register. Snow trickled down from the dark grey sky, and she could barely feel its coldness. All that she could focus on was the solid fact that she was having someone's baby.

Her experiences with mothers were not great. Her own mother had an innumerous amount of problems that trickled down to affect her life and her sister's life. The things that she had been subjected to as a child certainly made her question her ability to give a child a stable environment. Sure, Charlotte had gotten some of the things right. But the differences between her and her sister were very stark in juxtaposition.

It wasn't that she was vehemently opposed to children. There had been fleeting moments where she'd considered growing up, settling down, and having a kid. But they always flittered away like daydreams tended to do. She had to always be realistic. There was no way she would be able to support a child.

Then again, things were different now. This wasn't just some average dirt bag that she tended to fall for. Spencer Reid was a great guy, and she really cared for him. She had never really felt like this about anyone before. And the absolute last thing she wanted to do was trap him in such a selfish way.

But could she see herself—could she see them—having a child? Could she do this?

–

Could they do this?

Statistics and facts flooded his confused mind. The longer he tried to imagine raising a child, the more terrified he became. Had he not been abandoned by his own father and spent his entire life caring for his mother, it still would be difficult for him to imagine that future for himself. With his career, being away constantly solving cases across the country, he could not envision being a strong parental unit. Then there was his family history

But he knew that this could no longer be solely about him. This was about her, and it was her decision. His job would be to support her, no matter what.

It seemed so strange, that in the collection of his opinions, he had always remained distant. His views on the subject were always theoretical, and never really intended for practice. Now, facing this life-altering event, it felt odd to put his opinions into use. It was pretty damn close to love, what he was feeling for Austin. And no matter what she chose, he was going to stand by her through it all.

All he could do was wait and see if she would ever come back to him.

--

The clock was inching towards the 10:00 mark when he heard a knock at the door. His heart was on the brink of nearly leaping out of his chest. Every minute that had passed since her abrupt departure had wreaked havoc on him. Disastrous premonitions flooded his mind, as he imagined every little thing that could have been happening to her. When he opened the door, his tired eyes saw the most beautiful sight before him.

"Hi." Her voice calmed him like a soft lullaby. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." She could have anything she wanted.

"I'm sorry for running out on you like that. I panicked, and I just needed some space." Both of them stopped when they stood in his living room. "Thank you for being so calm today. I feel like I've been falling to pieces, and you've just been so good to me."

If she only knew, he kept to himself. "You know I'd do anything for you."

"I was sitting at a park bench..." She spoke incredulously, as if she'd just walked away from a car accident scot-free. "And I was just bawling my eyes out, because I was so confused and scared..." His stomach twisted in guilt. He should have been there to comfort her. But now wasn't the time for castigation—he had to listen. "But this sweet little old lady came up to me, and asked me what was wrong. I couldn't even speak, I was just sobbing. And she took me in her arms, and told me that everything was going to be okay, because God never gives us anything that we can't handle." Her voice had grown, trembling only slightly. "I'm not really the most religious person, Spence. But there was just something about what she said that…gave me…hope, I guess."

Admittedly, his views on religion were far bleaker than his girlfriend's. Still, he waited for her to continue in dutiful silence.

"I think I'm going to keep the baby, Spencer." She whispered, new trembles in her soft voice. "And I just want you to know that there is no pressure on you at all. I can handle this myself, I can raise this child and I'll do it alone if I have to."

Suddenly all the certainty before that he would be supportive regardless of her choice caught in his throat, leaving him speechless. He simply did not have the right words to tell her.

She had only waited a few seconds in silence before continuing on without him. "But know that this doesn't change the way I feel about you." She reached out, fervently grabbing his hand and holding it tightly. "I'm falling for you, Spence. If you still want to be with me through all this…" She wandered off, and quickly regained control. "But I don't want you to stick with me just because you feel obligated because of the baby. I want you to stick around for me."

That thought had never crossed his mind, in all honesty. He had never felt obligated to stay because she was pregnant. He felt obliged to her because he felt incomplete without her.

He brushed her cheek with his left hand. "Trust me--I want to be with you." And it was so genuine and sincere, that there was no reason for her not to believe it.

At that, her eyes flooded with tears of joy, and an escaping giggle was marred by a sob. And even though she was crying, her resulting smile, for the first time all day, was pure and did not have a hint of sadness in it. He swooped in, tenderly pressing his lips against hers.

For the moment, things seemed perfect. Neither fully understood at the time what they were getting themselves into. But just for that moment, as they were kissing in the middle of his living room, it was just enough for them to be happy.

While I wish it would not have taken me almost two months to post this, I really had no choice.

This chapter has been "written" pretty much the entire time, I just lacked the time to type and post. That's what college will do to you--rob you of your free time (and your sleep. ;) ) So I've made this chapter super-long to make up for it.

Also, I'm on twitter now (I caved.) .com/CriManSqua. Check it out. ;)

Thank you THANK YOU for all the support and the reviews! I promise to update when I can. :D You guys all rock!

~IWillBeThereWhereYouAre