Hehe I do love the fact that this has gotten 100 alerts so thanks muchly to all those keeping track of this story so far. I'd love to know what more of you think but I just happy knowing your there. Thanks to all the reviews so far too. On with the next chapter then…
Chapter 5- Running from the dependency on others
Having a goal in mind he concentrated fully on finding out as much information as he could, he wouldn't fail, not again. To the outside world he worked well with everyone, he was good at getting information. But, when the attention was turned to him and the questions became too close to what he was trying to hide, he changed the subject, keeping them from asking too many things, keeping them away from who he really was. Away from how pathetic and worthless he was.
There was one thing bugging him though, why did Gibbs send him on his own? Yes, he did do his best work when there wasn't an audience around but what if the guy was a dangerous suspect? What if Gibbs just wanted him gone? Had Gibbs just been faking concern? Did he really even care? He wanted to believe, to hope that it was Gibbs' confidence in his abilities at getting information.
Since when had he cared what anyone thought about him, he'd done just fine on his own since he was twelve. When had he become so dependant on others that he couldn't function on his own. He was a grown man, why couldn't he function anymore? Had he really dealt with what his own family had done, or had he just been hiding it behind that damn façade of his? Again though he knew the answers, he wanted a family, one that would care. But, even the one that he had found didn't care enough to know him well enough to know that the exclusion hurt him so. Abby like a caring sister had felt bad at first but then forgotten thinking he'd get over it. Gibbs hadn't said anything, thinking he'd deal with it in his usual way. Ziva smiled at him in a way that showed him just how much she didn't care that she'd managed to hurt his feelings, thinking he didn't have any to hurt. McGee, like always just looked too smug for his own good, thinking about how he had gotten on up on Tony for a change.
He was angry at himself for letting it all come down to some that in the grand scheme of things was only small. He was angry at them for not including him, even though he needed them. Angry, at losing the little control he had left over his own life. What sort of person needed to be needed like he did. That's right, a weak one damn it he scolded himself. His father was right, had always been right. Now, Gibbs was trying to get rid of him, of course he was, Gibbs didn't need or want to look after someone so weak, his marine side would have cast him out years ago, so why had Gibbs even hired him in the first place? To give him hope? Had his father hired Gibbs on purpose to show him how weak he was? Was he so stupid that he hadn't realised until now? Could he really trust Gibbs or the others anymore? Were the others in on it too?
Shaking his head to clear away all the thought that had suddenly crept up on him, Tony realised that he was outside of the stated address. He hadn't been concentrating on anything, people gave him odd looks as they passed, he wondered how long he had been thinking. This wasn't good, despite the fact that he didn't know that he could trust Gibbs he still had the need to solve the case, just to prove that he could do something. Still had the need to prove himself to Gibbs. Did he really need to anymore though? Was it what he wanted anymore? What exactly was it he wanted?
The sun trailing across the sky, intent on setting took the light away along with his last remaining hope. Leaving him in the dullness of dusk, a haze was created by the remains of the light, leaving his view of the world distorted. Not feeling the light breeze through his hair, becoming numb to reality, the anger from before fading with the rest of his emotions. He stepped up and knocked on the door of the man he was to question. He would at least see this investigation through, even if it was the last.
About an hour later…
As his vision darkened and he clung to life, he wondered why he was struggling to stay awake, he'd failed. No two words about it. He'd done the one thing that he'd hope he'd never do, he'd failed Gibbs. So why was he still tethered to life when there wasn't anything for him to live for. He'd let the bad guy surprise him, let him get away. The last case he had wanted to complete before he left again, to start somewhere new, and he'd failed. That's all he was, a failure. His fathers smirking face popped up in his mind sneering at him, taunting him. Telling him just to give up. Yet he still clung.
He reached a shaking hand for his cell phone, his decreasing breaths coming harsh and shallow. Pressing for the speed dial and waiting for the familiar tone of his boss' disappointment, his breaths becoming shallower with every second that passed, the darkness creeping more into his vision as he was left alone to his fate. He knew that in the end he would have been alone…but he'd hoped that someone would miss him. They hadn't the last time, so why would they now?
"Gibbs." Said the terse voice.
"B-b-boss…I'm sorry… I f-f-failed…" the words coming out ragged. He had wanted to say more, wanted to tell them what they had done, but he had no more time. The phone slipped out of his blood covered hand; he didn't have the energy to pick it back up. The last thing Tony DiNozzo heard before his vision darkened was his own laboured breathing and his boss' panicked voice.
"DiNozzo! Tony? Can you hear me? Tony?"
TBC
I realise that you will all hate me for leaving it there but it just came to me as I was writing the chapter. There will be another chapter maybe more. I am really sorry about it. I do hope you will stick around for the next chapter that will be out later today.