Ooo another chapter, so soon hehe, thanks for all the wonderful reviews so far. I thought I'd treat you to another chapter. Warning: major angst. I told ya it wasn't over yet.

Chapter 7- One step forwards, two steps back

Even with Gibbs as his anchor, he still couldn't believe that it was real… why couldn't it be real?...why? What was stopping it? He'd seen the sincerity in Gibbs' eyes but there was always something eating away at any sort of hope he had had in the past, always something his father had done or said to shatter, to break everything. He could feel the hope restored but it never had been for long, never. If he got comfortable something would come and send him spiralling down again, into darkness, pain and always guilt for not doing everything he could.

This time it had been a simple abandonment that he had deserved, last time it had been… Kate? He knew he shouldn't feel guilty over that one, he had watched it happen and saw it wasn't his fault but what if?... what if he could have been in her place it would have been better, she deserved life more than he did. Didn't she? Didn't she? Why didn't he deserve it? He knew why, he had failed, plain and simple, failed in his duties as an investigator, failed his boss, failed in life. Why couldn't everyone see that? Why did they care now? Why did they ever? They all looked like they did, before when they had been looking at him laying upon the hospital bed. They had all looked really sorry, but were they? There was still that doubt in his mind, lingering like the smell of smoke after a fire. The fire burned him, hurt him, but at least he felt. He had been going numb to everything, to life, to everyone around him.

All he had at the moment in the lonely hospital room was the pain, pain of failure. The longing to trust again, trust in people, in things. Trust that he didn't think would ever be lost. But he was lost, so damned lost he couldn't find his way back on his own, not now, not after everything. He needed help, but admitting to needing help was a weakness, he hated weakness. The fear that had been put in him for giving into weakness was relentless, he couldn't admit to needing. Could he? Where was Gibbs to quieten his mind, to be his anchor, where? Had he said his part an thought it was over, was that it, just those words so the almighty Gibbs wouldn't be left an agent down, so he could dodge all that paper work. Was he just a means to and end? But he had no means left to fight with and couldn't see the end, couldn't see the hope that had long been gone. Where had his 'family' gone, did they think soothing words would be enough? Be the thing that brought him back from the brink that he had already gone over. Maybe, if they had been in time to watch as he fell from the edge and then there to catch him it may have been enough then, but…but he was so far past the edge he couldn't see it. There was no light to guide him to the edge again, no anchor to pull him back, nothing to tether him to the life he had loved.

Physically he would be fine, but the doctors hadn't had him awake enough to assess his mental state, he was sure if they did they would throw him in a padded room and throw away the key so he could shrink in on himself more, just a vessel, just another washout agent of the government. Another of Gibbs' failures, rejects? No…he wouldn't stand there to be gotten rid of, he would be gone on his own terms, his own way, but which? What would he do? Did he have the courage to leave Gibbs after Gibbs had said all he did? But where was Gibbs now? Where was anyone? Why hadn't they come back yet? He knew that they still had a case to solve and Abby and Ducky were miles away but still, he had hoped that one would stay no matter what. There it was again, the hope that Gibbs was telling the truth, Gibbs had never lied to him, had he? Not that he could remember.

He was so confused, didn't know what to feel, to think. His grip on reality slipping, ever so slowly, from where he needed to be, the point he needed to be at to function. Where were they at his second fall, who was there to watch at his emotions all crashed and collided within him… where? The fear, the pain of failure, and loss of the family he had made here. The hopes and dreams that were crushed had been for years until Gibbs had saved him the last time in Baltimore. He hid it at the time but Gibbs had saved him then, saved him from that exclusion…but, where had he been now. Who was there to save him this time?

But, that begged a different question, did he even want to be saved, by theses…these people he had called family. Could he let them in again like he had before, could he stop his self-enforced isolation, could his mind stop the protection from the hurt, from the pain he couldn't handle? The walls were gone but he still couldn't talk, couldn't become truly dependant on others to help him, but he needed, wanted, but he couldn't, not after that memory he thought he'd forgotten. His dependency on his own mother had driven her to the way she had been, they way he had made her, he knew, he believed in every poisonous word that came out of his father mouth. Still believed it now, even though his investigator logic told him it wasn't his fault. If he became close to them, they could hurt him, but more importantly he could hurt them, he couldn't do it, wouldn't do it. He still cared, even after everything they'd done, he still cared. That's why he had to leave, to get away from here, far away.

And, he hated it, hated that Gibbs and the team had decided to care, yet they couldn't help him, he was too far gone to be saved now. He was lost in his sea of doubt, fear and pain, and all alone, couldn't ask for help. He could try and swim but at the end of it all he would, and could only fail. But, currently it hurt too much to move, all he could do was cry, so he did. The tether broken, the anchor gone his grip released as he lost his hold on the reality of it all, of everything. At first it was only one single tear but the gates had been opened and he sobbed, he needed to release all the emotions somehow, but crying was weak and weakness hurt. Even as he sat there he hurt, from his past, his failure. Everything. With no way to see a future, no way to hope for anything better. Just nothing and it terrified him.

Tony hadn't noticed when Gibbs had snuck in the room, Gibbs watched as the first tear fell and the mask shattered, his agent shattered and he couldn't do anything about it, didn't know what to do to fix it. He knew that it wasn't just the exclusion from the dinner party; it was everything, his whole life. His agent needed help, but wouldn't ask. Why wouldn't he ask, he never did. Even when he had had Kate's blood on his face, he had been there for everyone but himself, he gave so much to others and to him it looked like he got barely anything in response except, Abby looked after him when he couldn't look after himself, this was just the straw that broke the camels back as the saying went. He found himself wondering what Abby would do, or say in this situation. He knew straight away that his agent needed to feel something real to hold on to, he couldn't watch anymore as Tony cried all alone in his isolation. So he did what he felt was right, what he would of for Kelly all those years ago. He was amazed at how right it did feel, how much he had missed caring this much. There was no way in hell he was going to give up on it now, not when he had only just admitted it to himself. Even though he had known for a while, he'd just been too scared to care that much, more so after his agents getting getting locked inside that damn container.

He got up carefully onto the bed, minding the wires and IV, ignoring his agent's weak attempts to fight back and force him away, and he just held him. No words needed, just to know that someone was there for him when he was done, when he had cried all the tears away. Gibbs could only hope that they caught the guy that had hurt his agent, making him feel like a failure because he had run. Gibbs could only wonder what was in his agents past to cause this, why hadn't he dug deeper than his background checks before. He knew answer though; his agent was good at hiding in plain sight, but now he needed to know. He thought briefly that Ziva could help him seen as she would already know what he was looking for. Of course though that was only a last resort, and only if Tony wouldn't tell him himself…

TBC

I know a big angsty chapter but it randomly came to me lol thought I put it in, don't know how well it went though. Hehe. Please read and review.