Thanks for all the awesome reviews so far, and also thanks to crokettsgirl giving my muse a kick in the butt to get it out of its funk lol.

Chapter 9- Running to protect, but failing to feel

"But you shouldn't."

As soon as Tony had uttered the words he knew he needed to run, get away from here, from them. They knew too much already, he couldn't take their judgement or their pity. He wouldn't watch as his secret destroyed the people he had come to see as family, didn't want them to be hurt because he couldn't cope. But it wasn't like they needed him anymore anyway, they had made that clear. But…he still needed to protect them; protection of others was deeply set into him. It made him feel useful, if he failed in that too then everything would be over. He'd have nothing left, but if he left he wouldn't have to worry about hurting them.

Suddenly getting a burst of energy he tried to make his escape, pulling the wires off him he missed the very alarmed looking Gibbs standing near him. Wincing as he forced his lethargic body up and out of the bed, a pain shot across his stomach. He lost focus for a moment, then clearing his vision making his way off the bed and on to the floor, his legs gave way a little but he caught himself just in time. See! He didn't need help; he needed to get away from these people, to protect them, no matter the cost to him. Alarms started to emit a long monotone sound as he pulled the wires off him and yanked the IV out of the back of his hand. It didn't hurt due to the adrenalin coursing through his system, but even so, he knew he should have felt something. Anything but nothing.

He even should have felt something when Gibbs grabbed his arms, while turning the sound of the machines off so they wouldn't be disturbed, trying to stop him from leaving. For a second he thought he should have panicked at the memory of his nightmare, but then just as soon as an emotion came forward it was snuffed out, like the wind blowing out a candle. He'd gone numb, shut down, his mind only set on one goal. To run, to get away so he couldn't hurt them anymore, so his father wouldn't find out. If he did, they wouldn't be safe, he wasn't meant to let anyone know anything. It was the only way to keep them safe now. So he tried to escape the grip, tried with all his strength but they held steady, unyielding.

He saw that Gibbs' mouth was moving but couldn't make out the words, the blue eyes no longer held pity, they held fear, this was the only time he had seen that amount of fear from his fearless boss. They also held a reserved anger, but Tony had no idea who or what it was aimed at. Was it aimed at him? At the situation? At Tony being weak? He didn't know but it brought back his focus, he couldn't hear the words Gibbs spoke at first, but could hear concern within and also a hint of what he had missed for so long, compassion… but couldn't believe it was real so he concentrated on what the voice was saying. In some way it was soothing, strong and he wanted to believe it…but still he couldn't, his only goal was to protect Gibbs, protect them.

Gibbs could only watch with fear as Tony all but shut down in front of him, it practically tore his heart out again. How can his best agent have so little confidence in himself, so little care about himself? Gibbs cursed under his breath and the realisation that brought. Tony would run, thinking it was the best for the team, not even caring where he would go or what it would do to him. He knew Tony was protective of them all but didn't know it came above himself. He hated it. That was no way to live, no way to survive…but he had done that since he was twelve damn years old, fended for himself, but trying to protect others.

He tried to get through to Tony by grabbing his arms strongly but with affection, not anger. None of the anger within him could be seen bar a flash in his eyes. He knew that the younger man had seen it but hoped that he didn't think it was directed at him. All sense of time had stopped for him, all he could see was the vacant eyes of the person he thought of as a son, he hated that he couldn't seem to get to him, not once. He offered reassuring words, trying and failing to make the man before him believe that he meant something to him and the team. But all Tony did was stare beyond him, into the darkness that was his memories. For a moment when Gibbs had grabbed his agent's arms he felt him tense though he doubted Tony felt it. It was clear to Gibbs that this wasn't going to be easy to fix, but then he remembered some old advice. 'Northing worth doing was ever easy' and Tony was worth it. But… he had to fix years of hurt and doubts. Years of neglect, memories of everyone who had ever hurt Tony. For a moment he couldn't see a way out for Tony and it scared him…no terrified him, since when couldn't he fix anything.

Tony mind dredged through all his memories of the team, the supposedly happy and the dreadfully sad but it was like he was watching from the sidelines, like they were just figments of his minds hope, his minds need to feel wanted. He wanted to feel again, needed to, just to go on, but he was numb. He knew Gibbs knew it too; Gibbs couldn't have an uncaring agent. Those sorts got everyone killed and he couldn't rip apart the team that were like a family. Yet, he wasn't apart of it anymore. His minds fear of nothing forced his feelings out again, he tired to push them down, push them away but he couldn't. He was angry for them rejecting him but could see why they did…sad that he'd have to leave and run from the one place that he felt he belonged…guilty that he would hurt Abby by his leaving, she had always been there at the end of a bad day. Maybe, it was better she was miles away from him now. He could go and not have to see her face, not have to tell her he couldn't do this anymore; it would kill her to see him so lost, so pessimistic. Anger won for the moment.

"Why the hell do you care, I'm a liability to you now, you don't need me!" Tony shouted. He tried to ignore the sudden return of the pain in his body, making him feel sick. Gibbs' hands remained firm on his arms as Gibbs tried to piece together something to say to salvage this. Gibbs saw when the change happened and it pained him to see all the emotions coming through on Tony's face. He needed to fix this, and he needed to fix this now. He saw Tony's eyes drift away and saw shame written all over his face. Why shame? Wasn't Tony entitled to get angry considering everything?

"Tony? Look at me." Getting no reaction at all he moved on of his hands to his agent's cheek, turning Tony's head to face him. He needed Tony to see the look in his eyes when he said what he was going to say, needed for Tony to believe in something again. Speaking calming and with all the compassion he had.

"Tony? Please look at me." Gibbs watched the shock appear briefly but then it was replaced by a longing and fear. Upon looking into his agent's anguished green eyes, it was almost too much, but he knew he had to. If he didn't he would lose Tony. With his resolve stronger he ploughed on, still holding onto Tony as if he needed to contact as much as Tony.

"Tony, you're wrong," Tony flinched as if being hit but Gibbs continued, "I do care, you have never been a liability, you've always had my six. I've never doubted you with that. " he had one final point to address. "I. Need. You." Drawing each word out for there full effect, again the answer surprised him. Tony voice was so child-like a little piece of him broke.

"Why?" is was all but a whisper but it spoke a world of loss and need. Gibbs was almost done but he had one last thing to say, in hopes that it would fix something. Though he struggled with it he admitted to what he felt.

"Because," he took a moment to make sure he had Tony's full attention, "You are like a Son to me." Leaving the words to linger in the air, the tension in the room to Gibbs' surprise, increased. He couldn't say anything more than he had. The fear in Tony's face increased, he had heard him but…but the reaction Gibbs was expecting, he didn't receive and the response troubled him more. Tony trembled beneath his touch, his grip, he knew Tony's mind was fighting against something…But what?

Tony's thoughts came to a complete stop upon hearing the words he'd so longed to hear…but he still couldn't accept them, even though he knew they were now real. It made him feel worse, guilt burrowing deeper into his soul, tearing it out and shattering it, broken pieces lay upon the floor. The fact that now he would hurt Gibbs if he left, he was shaking from the force of it all as if any moment his body would shatter along with his soul. He needed to explain so Gibbs could understand, so Gibbs wouldn't get mad. He knew it was hard for Gibbs to tell him how he felt and he was just about to throw it back in his face. The tears that fell from his eyes were silent and told of the hope that had been rekindled but…but the fear was stronger. He chocked out the next words.

"B-b-but…you can't," he saw the shocked expression on his boss' face as he continued, "…I'm not…worth it…I'll only get you hurt." The tears now flowed freely down his face, he wanted to stay so bad with the hope he had gotten back…but he couldn't he needed to go. His body was weak from the pain and the emotion but he had to, needed to, to keep them safe. He pulled away and felt the immediate loss of the connection as Gibbs stood shocked. As Tony made his way across to the door slowly he saw the face of the last person he wanted to see. He couldn't see them, not now; he wouldn't be able to do this again. Wouldn't be able to confess, to say goodbye.

Gibbs made no move straight away. He turned just in to see Tony reach the door and meet a familiar face, one that was needed at a time like this. He could only hope the person would be able to help; it was his hope that faltered now...

TBC

Well I think this chapter turned out longer than I thought it would hehe, stay tuned for more. Can you guess who the person was?