Chapter 19- Pulling Him Back?

The torrent of thoughts, feelings, and emotions he was riding on was strong, some pulling him down, some up and some around. As if he was a buoy out in the deep blue of the vast ocean. Never getting a moments rest from the battering of the waves, never getting peace from the pounding of every action he had taken over the past few weeks, months…years? He was no longer sure how long he'd been fighting it all. The only thing he knew for sure was, he'd had enough, wasn't strong enough to tread the swirling waters anymore.

Every and each time he had made it to a point where is was actually comfortable enough to show who and what he was or was happy enough so that he could forget everything in the past. But those who forgot were doomed to repeat. Maybe, that is what he'd been doing wrong all this time; maybe, it was time to just stop fighting against everything, stop being so damn stubborn and pig-headed. But opening up was like trying to squeeze blood out of a stone. Theoretically impossible. But then, where did that leave him?

Simple enough question, wasn't it?... No, why? Complex answer. Answers and truths made you seem weak, vulnerable, and pathetic. Didn't it, didn't it?

Surely they wouldn't, couldn't want this new weakened version of Tony DiNozzo; but this wasn't the Tony they knew and had seemed to care about, this was simply, someone else to them anyway. Though he knew the truth, the practiced the façade and image of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, was the fake, the impostor. This new weakened one they now saw was and had always been him, deep down, locked in a box, pushed to the back of his mind unless insecurity, fault and guilt was left to fester and the inside exposed to the harsh light of the world.

Looking for the beacon he had been reminded of recently, it contained the last of his hope. Straining to look above the waves crashing and tumbling around him, he'd lost sight of that shiny beam, strand of light through the dark. He was seriously considering giving up. He'd fought so long. The last action had been the catalyst to this new nightmare and feeling. As if anything he tried to do would end up bad, gone, dead. Only having the same outcome. Him, left with nothing, no one…oh the oblivion that followed the in the depths of the sea seemed so encouraging at the moment.

But giving up wasn't in his nature, never had been. Even if it did look more appealing than this semblance of a world he constantly lived in. He believed in a few things strongly, others not so much. Having the opinion getting what you fight for, seemed more and more like a childish dream now, constructed in the hope that if you did everything you could then you would, eventually, reap the rewards, anything he did and had fought for had gone to hell in a hand basket or simple ignored and unnoticed.

Going deeper into his actions and thoughts he saw the cyclic nature of them. Anytime he'd gotten comfortable, he screwed up, and no one had wanted to fight in his corner anymore, he wasn't called a screw-up for no reason you know! What the hell was the point if it ended up in disappointment, guilt, or abandonment anyway?

Damn it, his anger rose but he was still trapped in the bubbling ocean, his limbs becoming heavy with over-use. But the reason for his anger, he didn't know. Maybe at his own faults, most likely. Maybe, at the unfairness of it all, since when had he been the laughing stock of the world. But that sounded rather like a difficult child who hadn't gotten his way. Yes, some people could argue that was who he was anyway but he and his team knew, and well, should know better.

His team, Ha!

That forced a laugh out of his already tired reserves. His team, no, Gibbs' team, don't respect the fact that Gibbs had him there for a reason. No, Tony DiNozzo was nothing more than what they had seen and they teased back. But they had a different intent and that was to hurt him, on purpose even. Why? What gave them the right to be mean, he was never mean to them. Why the hell had he been fighting for the approval of that sort of team?

Yet, of course, he knew why. The dark clouds rolled in over the horizon, looking around for anything to keep him afloat in his own personal hell on the water. The anger had faded, the guilt peaking up again along with the doubt. He'd known Gibbs had been trying to talk to him. But…but he couldn't, it wasn't that easy to trust someone who said one thing but acted a different way outwardly. He knew the doubts were his own but they fought with each other, he wanted to feel comfortable enough around people but didn't trust it could happen and that they wouldn't turn on him. I mean it wasn't like it hadn't happened before. He'd gotten used to it.

Surely, after this, loosing the victim; all his fault, that they'd blame him and leave him. While hope, in essence, had a stronger presence than the fear and doubt, he couldn't stop the doubt taking over, having learned nothing but that in the past.

Over the roaring of the waves, sounds of his own doubts and deep laughter echoed around the emptiness of the night surrounding him. Trying to shake away the laughter, he tried to swim in search for anything to hold on to again, if only to prove the laughter wrong.

'Give it up; you'll only fail worse later on, may as well stop while you're behind.'

"No." he spoke, his voice rough from disuse and the freezing air around.

'Damn it DiNozzo! Fight!'

That voice, strong, firm, concerned? Maybe? Had brought the light back, only a tiny strand but it was back, but it was flickering. Something was holding it back, holding him back. He could feel the resistance to believe within his own body.

He would quite literally give anything to believe in the concern within the voice, really he would…but, nobody had proven past experiences wrong. Oh there had been a few close to proving them wrong only to have it taken away again. He'd allowed himself to get attached and hated it but needed it; he knew he needed just as Gibbs needed that attachment, no matter how much it hurt them.

Being an ex-cop and now a federal agent he needed to be able to read people and what he had read had only proven his past right, the way they'd seem to act would contradict what they said. And it scared him that they hadn't been genuine in what they said which meant they were lying about something and his own mind would tend to believe the worst.

Oh he knew that he could lash out when he wanted but that was only to stop them getting to close, but then pushing them away was only forcing him further in to his own fractured mind, back behind the walls he'd created long ago. He was in charge of his own reactions, wasn't he, yes, they weren't learned reactions, but he was still in control of them.

Was he self-sabotaging, even if he didn't want to? Even if it meant he'd stay all alone in this hell. But he didn't want to stay any longer; he was tired of being alone, tired of everything. Maybe just one last chance, maybe, he'd let them. Did they deserve it?

Maybe.

Would they show him the same treatment as before?

Maybe.

But the constant voice telling him to fight, Gibbs' voice was strong, concerned. The marine never did anything he didn't want to. All this was over riding the laughter and waves and they calmed. The light grew a little stronger on the horizon. He was exhausted, just wanted to believe again, he could give them one last chance, because that was his nature. He wasn't one to give up, hadn't then and wouldn't now, not when there was still just a strand of hope.

Gibbs' voice was becoming stronger and louder, crushing the waves and bringing the light closer. Blinking the darkness he found him self back in living world and lying on one of the autopsy tables. His blurry vision clearing he saw the whole team in the bright steel room.

Abby looked distraught, pale, tears staining her face. McGee holding on to her for her support as much as she needed his. Ducky was watching over everyone like an uncle or grandparent. Palmer looked very uncomfortable staring around, wondering what was happening. Looking to the other side he saw Ziva watching him silently, a look of understanding and ferocity on her face, one that said she knew what was bothering him and wouldn't talk about it until he let her. He let out a brittle smile for her, her eyes softened and smiled a little back. Looking on both sides again he panicked a little, where was Gibbs? Why wasn't he here, he heard him, hadn't he?

His breathing hitched a little and he tried to get up, wincing at the pain it caused he suddenly felt a hand on his chest.

"Calm it DiNozzo." Ordered a very familiar voice. Clearing the fog that had clouded his vision upon his movement he asked what he usually did when Gibbs creeped up on him.

"How did y…" He was stopped by a glare, one that he was used to but gave him a look over before silence erupted throughout the room.

Nobody knew what to say, what action to take, as if waiting for something to happen….it didn't and the tension only increased, the only sounds in the room were sounds of breathing, Tony's being a little louder than the rest.

Getting uncomfortable with the stillness, Tony made a move to get up but was stopped again by Gibbs.

"Where do you think you're going DiNozzo?" he asked firmly as if nothing had changed, but it had and they all knew it. This is what Tony hated about looking weak after showing a certain image for years. The change. Shrugging Gibbs' hand off him Tony started moving towards the door, everyone looking on in shock at his actions but not knowing what to say.

For some unknown reason, anger reared its ugly head within Tony and the only answer they got before he left was filled with a dark seething they had never heard in Tony before.

"Away from here." And they could only watch as he walked away from them all, pushing them away. Again.

TBC

Hmm what is going to happen now, how will they fix all this, why did Tony leave in the first place when they were actually trying to help him? I think just one more chapter to round all this up. Thanks for reading so far and all the reviews. I was actually thinking of a sequel the other day to this as it is before Gibbs retires, it seems such a shame to go through all this and then to know what is going to happen next, would you like the idea of a sequel then?? Let me know. Thanks for reading.