One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

By: LightStarDusting

Prompts: Mike Dexter

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A/N: His tongue, your cheek. Your tongue, his cheek. Whatever. Happy birthday, Nina! Even though you don't know me, I know you. And yes, that was fully intended to sound stalkerish. But really, how could I not know you!

Forks High School hallway

"New kid."

"New kid is SMOKING hot."

"I'm lucky to share the same first name as the new kid," Mike Newton thought aloud.

"Mike Dexter is a god."

"Mike Dexter is a role model."

"Bell-UNGH! That's one fine looking ass!" Mike Dexter slid his hands down the back of Bella Swan's jeans and grabbed a handful of each ass cheek, "I'd definitely lay pipe in THAT!"

"Mike Dexter is an asshole!"

Forks High School cafeteria

The news about Mike Dexter's arrival spread around the school like a venereal disease.

Bella sat at the table with the Cullens and watched the ridiculousness surrounding the arrival of the new kid. She hadn't yet gotten a chance to tell Edward about "the incident" but the fact that he drove her to curse was a bit embarrassing. Her cheeks flushed pink, and not just the ones on her face.

'WHAT'S UP BITCHES?" Mike Dexter bellowed as he sauntered into the cafeteria. Students swooned left and right. Edward sighed and leaned forward.

"Holy crackerjacks! Is he serious? Edward, get a load of this…" Bella turned to look at her new boyfriend. She was stunned to see that like the rest of the Forks High student body, he looked enamored by Mike Dexter.

"Edward. Edward? Are you okay?"

"His thoughts are vapid. But he's so pretty, it doesn't even matter. I think he might even been prettier than WE are. And he's not a vampire," Edward started running his hands through his hair frantically his hair when Mike's eyes slid to their table.

"What is wrong with you, Edward? He manhandled me in the hallway this morning! He seems compl-"

"Completely WONDERFUL, that's what he is! So very pretty. Can you imagine what he'll look like when he sparkles?" Alice shared the vision she had with Edward and he gasped in delight. Yes, gasped. Edward. Bella couldn't help but wonder what in the Forks was going on?

"Rosalie, will you go speak to him and invite him to our house after school? He'll respond best to you," requested Emmett, not taking his eyes away from Mike Dexter.

She smiled a wicked grin, "Of course. He'll be coming home with us."

Parking lot at Forks High School

Edward, Bella, Alice, and Jasper stood in an empty space near the front of the school.

"Looks-wise, he reminds me of Carlisle. He's definitely not the brightest bulb but when you're that attractive, who the cares much about brains?" Edward, Alice and Jasper were completely under Mike Dexter's spell.

Bella couldn't help but wonder what was so appealing about Mike Dexter. Yes, he was lovely to look at but his personality left much to be desired. And speaking of desire, she wondered if she could talk Edward in-

"Swan doesn't get it." Edward's voice snapped Bella out of her musings.

"Swan? SWAN? Edward, did you just refer to me by last name? We are not football teammates here!"

Rosalie walked toward them with Mike Dexter and Emmett trailing behind.

Bella looked incredulously at them and wondered if someone had spiked the animal blood punch bowl. "What is wrong with you, people… errrr, vampires? He's like one of those Hollister stores in the mall. Gagging you with the scent of douchebaggery."

Rosalie's eyes scanned down his body. "Mmmmm, I'm sure that's not all he'd gag you with."

"Have you all lost your ever-loving minds? I can't stand to be around this or HIM. We are really going to have to rethink our relationship if you are all so willing to turn him and make him part of your family." Bella had enough. She stormed off in a huff toward her truck.

Cullen's house

The door to the Cullen house busted open and broke off the hinges.

"Don't worry about that now! Where's Carlisle? He should be done with his rounds and at home for the rest of the evening!" Jasper was excitedly searching the house like a child looking for hidden Easter eggs.

The door to Carlisle's study swung open and Carlisle strutted out, his white doctor's jacket flaring softly around him.

"Carlisle, we'd like you to meet our new friend, Mike Dexter."

"You got any beer here?" Mike Dexter asked as he started looking around.

"That kid is DAMN good looking! Look at his bone structure. His physique is astounding," Carlisle studied him closely.

"He is such a pretty human. Can you imagine what he'll be like when you turn him? Please, Carlisle. He's so beautiful! We need him!" The five musical voices pleaded in unison.

"Well I don't know. I have to say that this is quite the conundrum. I don't usually turn people if they aren't close to death without any other option."

"But Carlisle, Alice already saw him as a vampire!"

Carlisle held up his hands in surrender and carried on, "However, I think in this case, I am going to have to make an exception."

Mike Dexter was wandering around the house, looking at random things on the wall and trying to catch the dust particles that were floating in the air.

"He really is a special one, isn't he?" Carlisle stated matter-of-factly.

"You could say that," Edward smiled.

Jasper looked around and realized Esme wasn't there. When he asked of her whereabouts, Carlisle shrugged.

"She's away at some gardening retreat or something. Let's focus on the here and now though. We might as well get a room set up for him. Before he's turned, I'll have to kiss him."

"WHAT?" the five Cullen kids questioned in unison.

"Oh yes, I have with all those I've turned. There's something incredibly sensual about changing someone into one of us. I've always kissed those I've turned to make sure that they'll be able to handle all that our lifestyle has to offer. My lips can tell this."

"You have magical lips, Carlisle? Why don't we remember this?"

"Yes, you could say it's my special gift. You can't remember because it's too close to when the change occurs. It's only natural that your mind would block that sort of thing. But yes, all of you whom I've changed, I've had the intimate experience of kissing as well."

Carlisle walked over slowly to Mike, pushing him down onto the couch behind him. His non-existent pulse raced at the thought of sharing a lip lock with the fine specimen in front of him. He pushed Mike's hair back and leaned toward his doppelganger's mouth. Carlisle slowly licked his lips and leaned forward to lick Mike Dexter's lips.

"Dude, I'm not into this. I like smoking hot pussy! I'm not a fag! I mean, there was that one time but… what the hell is going here?"

*Fade to black* (there WAS a word limit, you know?)

Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it!

Thanks to the fabulous movieblonde for beta-ing (and her first time at that).

Disclaimer - Totally stole lines from Can't Hardly Wait. But you knew that. Twilight's not mine.