Pull The Trigger Chapter 1, a naruto fanfic

disclaimer, I don't own Naruto, of course.

Pull The Trigger

Chapter 1

The cold is all he feels, and he's thankful for it. Because when the chill eventually recedes, and it does, the sensations of before seem all the more powerful. The harsh sting in his back, the ache in his arms, the cramped muscles of his stomach. Everything throbs with a ruthless intensity. Though all this is acceptable. The mind-fuck is what really gets him.

Even with his eyes closed he sees him.

With the shower off, in this sudden absence of noise, Itachi's presence is more menacing than normal. The damp water in the air clings to his skin and makes the temperature seem to drop below zero. Sasuke's hand reaches for a grey towel hanging just outside of his reach. The movement brings him way to close to his brother who grabs his wrist and turns the hand upwards, twisting it painfully. The hitch in his breath does not go unnoticed.

Knowing what is about to happen Sasuke closes his eyes shut, as if he were still four years old, when he still thought that in the darkness behind his eyelids he'd be safe. To bad that's not how it goes. He has to grow up now, he's not a boy anymore.

His brother is too tall and too broad for the small bathroom. When he is pushed to the floor, Sasuke's breath falters and he chokes. His arms are bent over his chest, fists curled against his brother's shoulders, a useless wall between them.

This is where he regains the use of his voice again and he tries to scream, only he can't. The only thing that escapes his throat is a groan of pain as his head is banged against the bathroom tiles. It's not a sob, those only come later. Sasuke refuses to show his brother tears.

Itachi's hands are iron on his chest and stomach. They feel cold. He takes him there. It doesn't take long, it never does. That doesn't make it more bearable.

Sasuke finally opens his eyes after such a long time that he has trouble adjusting his vision. Itachi is gone, as usual, he hasn't heard him leave. The drops of water on his body have almost all dried up. He's naked and shivering, lying on the cold tiled floor of the sober little bathroom.

He shakes a little and blinks his eyes, furiously trying to get a hold of himself. With heavy limbs he heaves himself up using the sink for support. The mirror is not friendly and shows him paler and more sickly than he is.

Sasuke's hands form clenched fists around the sink as he breaks apart. Shattering very much like the mirror itself, in sharp, clear pieces that deform him. It takes only a little while to piece himself together again and clean off the frustrated tear marks on his face. After all he's supposed to be used to it already.

He gets dressed and leaves for school.

School seems more unreal than usual. Sasuke can't concentrate, he feels as if though they aren't his feet that walk him through the hallways. Like they're not his hands that hold the pen.

Teachers have no idea how to handle him. He's not a bad kid, and he doesn't pull pranks or anything like that. He just doesn't do anything. His answers are short and to the point. He has no opinion of his own, if he does, he never says it out loud. His marks though are excellent. He outshines everyone in those no nonsense subjects like math's and physics. He horribly fails everything else.

In lunch hour he sits with the bad kids. They are four of them including himself, and some others who tag along but don't really contribute.

There's Karin who is beautiful and mean. Her hair is painted black and very long. She wears black rimmed glasses which she pushes up her fine nose to look down at people. Her voice is loud and unpleasant as are the things she says. People are scared of her, but really, Sasuke thinks, she is scared of people.

The other one is Suigetsu. He's dumb and almost as mean as Karin but in a less secretive way. He likes to talk about sex and which girls he's done or would like to do. He and Karin clash horribly sometimes but their personalities are alike. (He's in love with her). He would fail almost all his classes if it weren't for Karin who helps him out if she feels like it. Suigetsu also has a lot of admirers. Go figure.

The last one is Juugo who stays with them for the only reason that he's not welcome anywhere else. Juugo is huge. He scares most students and teachers. Most of the time he says and does nothing, but when his temper's raised and he snaps, there's no stopping him. He once almost killed a man when he was only 14. He also looks at Sasuke a lot.

Like he does now and Karin notices immediately.

'Christ Juugo, will you stop giving Sasuke the goo-goo eyes already.' She snaps.

Juugo blushes a deep scarlet and looks away.

'Honestly you're such a fag sometimes.'

She resumes her discussion with Suigetsu, presumably about some slutty chick he wants to 'bang'. Sasuke continues eating his lunch, but he looks up at Juugo through his lashes. Juugo is playing with his hands, his mouth moves as if he's having a whispered conversation with someone. His eyelashes are blond and long, like those of a cow.

Sasuke retreats inside his own mind once again. The only reason he is tolerated here at this table is because he looks like he belongs here: dark and handsome. And because Karin has a crush on him of course. He feels her eyes focus on him every now and then, like before with Juugo, she doesn't let anyone else close to him. Which is fine by Sasuke of course, who is only bothered by the attention of others.

The bell announces the end of the lunch break. The students all pack up and head for class. Though Sasuke's group stays loitering around the longest. It's like a competition, whoever stays last is the coolest, most bad-ass.

Just when they're about to leave the lunch room Sasuke is approached by a teacher. He puts a hand on his shoulder, Sasuke barely manages not to flinch.

'Uchiha Sasuke, your counsellor has decided to enlist you in an after school program to help you with your grades. I take it you're failing art, history, geography and English?'

He nods curtly.

'Son, there's been a little mix up. You were supposed to get this message earlier in the week. Your first lesson is directly after school. Is that alright with you, do I have to call anyone?'

'It's fine' Sasuke says.

He slides the hand of his shoulder and walks to Karin and Suigetsu who are looking at him expectantly.

'What did he want?'

Sasuke finds out later that he is either one of the very few people failing subjects this year, or nobody decided to show up. The classroom is empty apart from him, the teacher (who's looking bored out of his mind and sleepy as hell), and another kid. One that captures his attention.

He is small of stature but with broad shoulders and a sun kissed face. Bright blond hair and ocean eyes. The teacher asks for their names and gives them both a tic in his folder for showing up. The blond says his name is Uzumaki Naruto.

Sasuke sits down on the second row, and slams his pencil on his desk loud enough for the teacher wake up from the trance he was sinking in to. They are given paper, exercises and no permission to talk. Basically, all they are supposed to do these hours are fill out form after form with mind numbing exercises. The teacher doesn't do shit. He leans back and starts snoring after Sasuke's second paper.

As always he can't keep his mind on the work. He starts to drift away to the sleeping sounds and the soft scribbling of a pen. There's one bench between him and the other guy. He turns his face sideways and sneakily observes him from out the corner of his eye.

It seems that just like him he has trouble staying concentrated. His eyebrows knit together, he has one hand in his hair keeping it out of his eyes. They sit like that for the whole hour. Their teacher is glad when he finally walks them out the door. He says 'I'll see you tomorrow' and is gone.

They're alone in the hallway now, Sasuke feels an awkward silence coming up and is just about to leave when he's offered a hand. The blond smiles wide, showing all his teeth.

'Naruto.'

Sasuke shakes and says his name.

'So, he must have screwed up big time to get the after school class.' Naruto says, motioning at the door where their teacher ran of through.'

'Right.'

After he realizes that Sasuke isn't going to be a big help in getting a conversation going, he smiles embarrassed.

'I'm failing math's, physics and chemistry, you?'

Sasuke looks at him funny and turns to walk away, but he's surprised when Naruto just jogs up to walk next to him.

'You don't say much do you?'

'And you say too much. Just fuck off.'

Naruto just smiles and takes a deep breath.

'That's fine, I do talk a lot, I'll keep you company.'

'I take the bus.' Sasuke answers curtly.

'Oh, me too!'

As they walk out the gate Sasuke looks at their shoes. Naruto walks with big steps, one confident foot in front of the other. They sound exactly the same, if a blind man would pass by, he'd think they were one and the same person.

Naruto talks all the way. He says everything that comes to his mind. Though nothing he says is of very big importance and he knows it because he laughs at his own silly thoughts. Sasuke looks at his face and sees that the little smile is still etched on it. It's permanently there.

Naruto catches him staring and stops mid-sentence. The smile falters. Sasuke sees his face for what it is, still open and sweet but with a sadness around the eyes. After that Naruto resumes his story but his voice is softer now, and sounds more honest.

The days that follow are spent in much the same fashion. After school and after their last class, Naruto takes the bus with him. He talks and Sasuke listens, or doesn't listen, but at least they sit next to each other. Sometimes Sasuke answers his questions and this earns him one of those dazzling, heart-stopping smiles. Naruto, he discovers, is quite good at those.

Sasuke starts to notice him at school. They have kept Naruto behind one year so they don't share the same schedule, but he sees him in the hallways sometimes and their eyes meet like they have this big secret together. Naruto is often alone, sometimes bullied. When he sees one of the seniors spit on his shoes or trip him in the corridor something stirs inside his stomach, almost like rage.

Breakfast is always simple with Sasuke. He downs a glass of orange juice, gets some slices of bread, an apple if he sees them, and leaves for school. He's not that lucky this morning.

Usually Itachi sleeps late. He has a job as a shopkeeper that only starts in the afternoon. But Sasuke knows that's not how he really earns his money. Instead of sleeping in his own bedroom, he's crashed out on the living room floor. Head resting on the coffee table. Scattered around him are the little white pills that ruined him. His brother looks like trash. He was handsome once, some would say he still is, but compared to… He lost his shine a very long time ago.

Careful not to wake him Sasuke's quiet as cat, but he finds out later that luck is not on his side today. He almost drops the glass he's holding when his brother comes up behind him and says:

'That looks nice, would you make me some breakfast, Sasuke?'

Avoiding eye contact he smashes down the glass on the counter and rushes past.

'I'm late.'

Itachi is faster and steps in the doorway, spreading his arms on the wall, leaning forward.

'I asked you nicely.'

'Itachi, I'm late, let me go.'

Sasuke is till looking at his feet when he says that. He not brave, he's shaking. Fighting to keep his heart from being heard, it's beating so fast, so hard.

'Look into my eyes.'

Hands grab his shoulders and push him back over the table. They climb up to his throat, choking him. Sasuke claws at them desperately.

'Let me go, let me go.'

He thinks he screams those words but really he's begging him. Itachi leans over, bites his nose, turns him over. Fuck no, Sasuke thinks. He grabs the first thing he sees, plate, and whacks Itachi in the head with it. His brother stumbles backwards, groaning, clutching his head. But by this time Sasuke has already thrown open the front door.

He runs all the way to the next bus stop. Heart beating like crazy, he's trying to convince himself that that's because of exhaustion.

When the bell rings and announces the end of their last hour, Sasuke is weary to go. He lingers longer than usual and wanders the hallways. Outside the weather is damp, it's hot but the autumn sky is a depressing shade of grey. Naruto has buried his hands deep in his pockets and is walking out of the building. Behind the gates there is a familiar silver coloured car waiting. He has seen it before and just like those other times the windows are halfway down. He sees black hair and a straight nose. A beautiful profile.

In front of him he suddenly notices Sasuke who sees the car as well but just a fraction later than Naruto does. Sasuke reacts panicked and scared. Quickly he throws himself behind the wooden fence where the bikes are usually stalled.

Their eyes meet. Sasuke blushes a deep scarlet and shamefully averts his eyes. Naruto stops and is about to voice his confusion when he is called by the man in the car.

'Hey, kid! Have you seen my brother around?'

Naruto swirls his head back to the car and finally sees the man's face. A perfect copy of Sasuke's, albeit a little less soft and more matured. His eyes are sinfully dark as well but they lack the depth or the expressiveness of his younger brother's.

'Sasuke?'

'That's him. Have you seen him or not?' He asks in an impatient voice.

Naruto holds silent. He doesn't understand why but he knows what he saw in Sasuke's face. (Recognizes it.) He looks back at the boy pressed against the fence. His eyes are on the ground, black lashes resting on his cheeks, there is a grim and bitter frown on his lips.

'No, sorry, I haven't seen him.'

Sasuke's brother angrily kicks the engine to life and grumbles something inaudible. He drives away, leaving black streaks on the asphalt.

Sasuke lets go of the air trapped in his lungs. Relief takes away the heaviness on his heart and uncorks his bottled up emotions. It takes his everything not break down. He takes one shaky breath and walks away before the flood finally does break through his defences. Naruto calls after him but Sasuke plays deaf.

."Why did he come to school? He never does. Can only think about what happened that morning. There's no question, Itachi is pissed, more angry than he's ever been and someone is going to get punished… Other complications, Naruto. He wasn't supposed to have witnessed that. What's he going to think. Naruto's not stupid, people might think he is, but he's not."

When he finally gets back to Itachi's place (He refuses to call it home, but that's what it is) it's already getting dark very quickly. The surrounding flats and apartment buildings are grey and lit by bright uncomfortable tubular lights. He hates walking under them, every time he does he feels like they light him up and lay bare the dark spots.

He takes the stairs because he'd rather walk a thousand steps than take the elevator and be trapped. When he gets of at the 7th floor it's only a couple steps to the door. 703 is written in impersonal black letters above it. Forcing his heart to slow down he gets out his keys and tries to open the door. The key doesn't twist.

It only takes a moment to register but when he does he puts the key in his pocket again. Itachi must have changed the locks. But why would he do that? Stupid question, Itachi never does anything with a solid reason, he's sick in his head, he doesn't need any.

Sasuke is surprised to find that a part of him is actually relieved. Sure he's got nowhere to stay for the night but that better than the alternative, in some ways at least. He feels unrestricted, for once.

He takes the stairs down again and starts walking towards the bus stop for some reason. He doesn't plan on taking the bus, he's got no money, but he figures that if he stays around the house it might seem that he's desperate to be let in. He's not desperate.

As the evening grows darker, the temperature drops and the good feeling from before vanishes. He's sitting on the puke coloured bench by the bus stop. The roof and walls protect him from the cold wind but they smell like urine. Sasuke pulls his knees up and hugs them in attempt to stay warm. He's nauseous but hungry at the same time.

About 4 buses have passed him already, this tells him two hours have gone by. He's got no watch but he knows that he usually gets back by seven. He keeps his mind busy like this. It will not be enough to get him through the night. There have not been many people around. Most arrive 5 minutes before they leave again with the bus, taking their depressing presence with them and leaving the quiet to Sasuke himself.

He's awakened from his thoughts by approaching footsteps. He doesn't raze his gaze but when the feet, clad in worn orange sneakers, stop right in front of him he looks up. It's Naruto. How could it not be him? The most unpredictable person he knows.

'What are you doing here?' Naruto asks him with a faint smile on his lips.

'Nothing.' Sasuke replies.

'Isn't it a bit too late to do 'nothing'. Aren't you scared you'll get mugged or something?'

This has him raising the corners of his mouth a little. Scared? He's scared all the time but not for being mugged.

'Do I look like I've got anything on me?'

Naruto travels his eyes over him then, faded jeans, salvation army coat, schoolbag looking like it's held together by cellar tape and rope.

'Ok fine then, so you won't get mugged, but I bet you'll get raped sitting here all alone.'

Sasuke's smile disappears of his face completely. He puts up his wall again, staring straight ahead.

'Just leave me the fuck alone.'

Naruto turns to sit next to him on the small bench. His coat makes a pleasant rustling sound as he leans over to rest his chin on his palms.

'You can't stay here all night, I know you need a place to crash. Do you want to come with me?'

'I don't have money for the bus.'

'I do.'

Sasuke sighs, he really hates to do this. He really hates being here. He hates a lot of things in life, like how he can't afford to refuse the offer because frankly, spending the night by a stinking bus stop is something he'd rather not experience. He nods.

' Alright.' Naruto says.

They get on the bus shortly after that and Naruto pays with what cash he has left. Sasuke doesn't say much , but Naruto does. Like how he likes getting home late because then, after a long day of working he sleeps good.

They get off in a part of town that Sasuke doesn't know but looks familiar. It does so because he recognizes the same ugly concrete flats with their graffiti covered walls. Maybe the only difference is that this place looks even worse than where he lives. The streets are broad but littered with filth. There are no people around.

After the second broken lamppost Naruto makes a left turn and leads him to one of the smaller buildings, not a flat but a very big house. On the red brick outside there is a copperplate, but Sasuke can't read it what it says with this lack of light. Naruto follows his gaze.

'This is a kids home.' He says while getting out his keys.

The door jams.

'It's called Gravings Shelter for Children. Orphanage.'

With a firm shove of his shoulder de door falls open. Naruto turns and looks at him apologetically.

'They don't want me to bring people home, so I'm just going up to check if the coast is clear.'

He walks up the stairs in the big hallway, disappearing round the corner. He comes back again and waves for Sasuke to come up.

Sasuke follows him through a corridor with blue painted walls. There are cracks in the paint, the floor is streaked with mud. The lights are off. There is one single window in the farthest wall. This almost makes him feel at home because Itachi's place looks exactly the same. Then he registers how terribly fucking sad that is.

Naruto pulls him into room 7 on his right. He pulls on a string and turns on the light bulb hanging from the ceiling. In it's weak light Sasuke can see a small sober room with one iron framed bed and a small cupboard. The floor is full of cardboard boxes and from the walls pictures from newspapers and magazines hang.

'I know it looks like shit but I've got a bed and a heater. Everything you need.'

Sasuke turns to look out the window and notices cardboard on the windowsill..

'You don't even have curtains.'

Laughing throatily Naruto replies 'I know, I swapped them for the heater.'

Sasuke only just looks at him, but his eyes are soft.

'Have you got a shirt and shorts I can sleep in?'

Naruto nods and throws him something from out the cupboard, then he goes out to brush his teeth. Alone in the room Sasuke sits down on the bed. He pulls on the grey shirt. Then he can't help but think, there's only one bed. Is he going to sleep on the floor, am I? Are we going head to toes? Will he want to share? O god what if he does?

Sasuke closes his eyes and tries to calm the snakes in his belly. When he opens them again, Naruto is standing in the doorway. Blushing at getting caught staring he closes the door and sits next to him. From the corner of his eye Sasuke sees his chest move up and down as he sighs.

'Sasuke…'

Surprised by the way his name is spoken, soft and sincere, Sasuke's heart skips a beat. Is he going to say something? When it finally does come, it's not as bad as he thought it'd be.

Very slowly Naruto scoots towards him and touches his face with the tips of his fingers. He draws cool lines towards his ears and then very softly traces those lines with his lips. With slow but deliberate movements he slides himself across Sasuke's lap, all the while kissing his face with surprising tenderness. His hands comb through his hair as his movements grow a little more desperate.

Sasuke remains passive. He lifts his head and leaves his throat to Naruto's mercy but his hands don't move from their place on the sheets. With his eyes closed he can't repress the thought: Naruto's not a virgin anymore. He knows what he's doing, he's not clumsy. That's fine, only fair, he's not either.

When Naruto slows down his movement and kisses the corner of his mouth Sasuke grabs his shoulders. They look into each others eyes and in the dark blue melts in black.

Sasuke flips him over, pushes his shoulders down into the mattress. Naruto holds still, doesn't fight, but then leans forward and licks his neck. The other pulls away immediately, straddling him. Sasuke pulls of his shirt and drops it on the ground. He's not shy anymore, nor is Naruto innocent. Everything is ruined already, so there's nothing left to break. 'Why hold back?' his head tells him. Naruto won't mind.

'Turn around.' Sasuke whispers in the dark.

Rays of light breaks through the cracks in the cardboard that morning. They fall on his face and wake him up. Sasuke turns his head. Naruto is lying propped up against the wall, one hand near his mouth, the other above his head. His lips are parted, blond hair sticks to his face., over his closed eyes. He looks like a girl, almost, but more like an angel, or a child.

Sasuke gets up quietly, searches the floor for his clothes. When he's dressed again he looks back once more and almost doubts. But then he turns, leaving for school.